Has anyone ever stayed with OH but moved out?!
We're not getting on with all the BM stress. The house is in my name. I bought it a year ago so we could live near SKs schools. I could downsize and buy a place for me and BD, possibly have no mortgage and give up full time work allowing me to watch my 11 month old grow. BM is toxic and I just want to protect us from her. OH could get a little place or live with his mum, the kids' nan, during the half of the week we usually have the kids. I could just be around for the days out and fun stuff. They could come round anytime. But covid has given me time to think and I've recognised that I do way too much and feel like I've given up too much. With the kids currently staying at their mum's full time due to covid and the eldest SK starting high school in the autumn/fall I think now is maybe the time to consider doing this. OH could live with me other half of the week, rent-free if I don't have to have a mortgage. I'd get quality time with BD, him with his kids. I wouldn't feel totally overwhelmed and stressed out all the time. Apart from convention and BD not seeing her dad three nights a week are there other strong reasons why we shouldn't do this? I feel like I've lost my sense of identity and the arguments are really getting me down. Please don't judge me. We're having counselling which I managed to arrange. Doing all i can but the stress is that much that I fear for my physical health and something feels like it has to give.
Do you think your OH would be
Do you think your OH would be on board with this?
When things were at their worst with my step situation I proposed moving to my parents house with my kids until Spawn finished school. It would have been only one year since she was 17 and starting her senior year. DH adamantly refused and said he would rather be divorced. So instead I told him Spawn could not be in the house unless he was. DH has a very active social life and soon found it cumbersome to have to take Spawn with him to every activity. Shortly after that he allowed Spawn to move in with her maternal grandmother. She barely graduated and I never had to see or deal with her again.
I think he might have to get
I think he might have to get on board if he doesn't want us to split up. I feel that desperate. I like my SKs but BM related stress has been making me ill and more than anything I just want her out of my life, and also to have a life back.
I told him Spawn could not be
I had to do the same thing with when ss was 29. He decided to quit his job, be homeless, and extend his adolescence as long as possilble. After a few weeks of being constantly stoned and not trying to look for employment I told DH that ss has to leave the house when he(DH) goes to work and can't come back until DH comes back. ss's job should be to look for a job. It literally took one day for ss to move out!
I kicked my DH and SD out,
I kicked my DH and SD out, but it was because SD is toxic.
There are things you can do to mitigate BM's bullcrap. What is she doing?
Constantly criticising us in
Constantly criticising us in emails. Shit stirring. Last year less than two weeks before I gave birth she started something with me and then sent my OH a late night email implying he wasn't over her. Generally being a dick. She's shameless about it. Excuse my language. Trying to convince SS10 and everyone he's got autism when it's just that he behaves badly/acts out when she is starting things with him because she loves confrontation. Constantly trying to make exceptions to our informal shared care agreement. Constantly implying that we don't do enough. I can cope when I'm feeling ok but she's too much to cope with when I need to deal with the rest of life's challenges. We work hard to maintain boundaries but she constantly tries to push them; it's exhausting.
Yes
The simple answer is yes, it can work out. There are/were some on here that did just this.
HOWEVER, there are some things that DH can get in place, too. Like an airetight CO. LIke only using email, Our Family Wizard is one that is court-ordered and monitored as well as admissable to court. Documentation of things. Standing up to her, and going grey rock as well asblocking her when necessary.
Thanks. I just don't want to
Thanks. I just don't want to miss my daughter growing up for all BM's drama. Some of these tactics we already employ but yes there's other things we could do. I think a lot of how I'm feeling right now also has to do with what I feel has been a lack of action from OH. But we've had a lot of difficult stuff happening to us in the past year and I do love him. I just refuse to have a miserable life because of this woman.
If the DH's and SO's we talk
If the DH's and SO's we talk about would do the things you describe, i bet this site would be mostly about parenting and other more "normal" things. You have described a recipe for boundaries with BMs. The DH's here either love drama, or are too scared of their BMs to do those simple things. Make a schedule and follow it, at least 90% of the time. Seems so easy. Don't text and talk to BM behind wife's back and make plans with BM without her. How hard is that?! Keep it short, to the point, and only about the kids. Plan things around the CO when possible to minimize last minute changes in the custody arrangement. Seems like it should be common sense, which is why i think some of these bioparents just want to keep the drama going.
My situation might be a little different
i am finishing my university studies in my birth country which is a 5.5 hours overseas flight away from hubby and caring for our 2 kids aged 3 & 4.5 on my own. I should be finishing my studies end of next yr or mid 2022 basically when both my kids would be in fulltime school.
hubby bought a home with his savings for us. Home environment was not good and because he is so dickless in handling skid issues (especially ss22 who lives in our marital home) and actively emotionally abuses us daily, total disrespect, home life is so hostile. Add to that sd miniwives aged 14.5 & 24.5 and psycho exwife using sd’s to create issues with us, i told hubby i would not remain in that home and be told to live in it if ss were there.
So the home purchased in my country is in my name only so skids cannot touch it as bio mums new drama is having eldest sd24.4 actively pester hubby that he owes bio mum a home and must transfer a home he purchased after the divorce into skids name only. Basically erasing the fact me and our 2 kids exist. So it starts eith this one thing and another and another.... then one day hubby dies and me and my 2 little kids are kicked to the street because bio mum and skids are capable of lying about fake wills and running off with hubbies estate... I don’t want to deal with that drama and told hubby if he wanted me here as his wife that he better protect us now. Him telling me to suck it up and this was between him and god for failing us and not protecting us against having to deal with this nonsense of skids and bio mum will end in us having a divorce because i would never remain in such a relationship. In a way it did force hubbys hand to protect us from demonspawn...
skids are not welcome in my and hubbys home, this is my hill to die on. Since skids actively treat us and say we are strangers and guilt trip hubby for us existing and creating wedges in our marriage, they have no business coming to my country or home.. for now hubby is on board but disney dads are easily manipulated and guilt trip by manipulative bullshit of skids that they’ve been abandoned etc so i will enforce it.
obviously since covid has banned international flights, i have not see hubby almost 4 months now and it’ll be about 1 year at least before he is allowed in my country. We had planned to fly back and forth every couple of months and have had 3 flights cancelled and hubbys flight for end of next month was also cancelled...
covid has made me resent skids even more, ss lives at home with hubby and completely ignores hubby and doesn’t acknowledge him and he lives rent free. It was my till covid lockdown that hubby started feeling what i lived daily for 4.5 yrs. hubby wss always at work so could ignore the fact of us being shunned and the hostile negative environment when ss was home.
now he cant and it was about 1.5-2 months ago that hubby snapped at ss. I was angry and upset me dealing with full time studies, speech therapy on my own for both my kids, home renovations and kids being homeschooled at one point and i felt so lonely like a single mum. Hubby knew how i was feeling and i was asking myself what am i getting from hubby currently except him being an atm sending money every month for me to do the hard work and he take the credit. It just happened that week that ss didn’t acknowledge hubby all day and hubby lost it with him asking “why you like this?? You can’t even say hi or acknowledge me?? Its so rude and disrespectfu!!” Ss just stared in silence with no emotion or guilt...
this is the dipshit living rent free and hubby is too guilt tripped to let him move out. I have made it very clear skids disrespectful behaviour and treatment of us, hubbys lack of proper parenting and putting our marriage first and instead allowing skids to cause multiple issues is why our marriage will not work and since hubby is sabotaging pur marriage by allowing ss to remain in our home out of guilt because you know crumbs of a shitty relationship is better than none from a disrespectful little shit, so i told hubby we can get a divorce or he can get a new home for us to live in. Option 2 made sense because we got a great deal on our home in a great area and it was a great investment and hubby wanted to diversify his investments as there is alot of corruption in his country that even pension savings aren’t safe from being stolen...
as hard as it is on my own with my kids away from hubby because of covid, its a million times better than being subjected to the abuse by skids.. we have a toxic free environment here while hubby is living in such a toxic environment with skids.
ss claimed he wants to apologize for a fresh new start (he’s so full of shit and incapable of an apology). Any apology is 5.5 years too late
I applaud you being firm with
I applaud you being firm with DH and with SS. That he is starting to take steps to be firm with his elder failed family children regarding their behavior is a good thing.
He does not owe his X a home and he does not owe his prior failed family children an investment property either. His X and all of his children should be expected to be self supporting as adults. His prior family children will hit that age requirement long before your children will. The period between now and when your young children reach that age does not mean that the Skids should have a free ride/gravy train as adults.
Good luck and congratulations on your approaching university graduation.