How to disengage without feeling like two separate families
Disengaging has really helped our family. I miss the feeling of togetherness though. Not that I even like spending time with his kids most of the time. The youngest one I don't completely disengage from. DH still does the main parenting things but I help out and feel comfortable being motherly to him or disciplining him. I don't mind being around him as much as the others and my kids get along better with him.
It's the two older who have shown little respect for me in the past, run to call HCBM when I've tried to discipline, and can be very rude to my own kids. I am polite to them but I do not enjoy even eating meals with them. They both monopolize and talk in loud voices. Trying to play board games, bad experience. Trying to watch movies, they won't stop interrupting. Trying to do family activities, they fight and ruin it. And they are embarrassing to take out in public.
For my own peace and sanity I try to avoid spending any additional time with them that is it required. Other than DH trying to work on their behaviors, which he is, but he can't completely transform them overnight. Should I try to put myself out there more? Try to plan family things together? Or just keep things as separated as can be? I just miss having a family that feels like a family. When just mine are here it is great, but it feels almost unnatural when his are here.
I would keep things separated
I would keep things separated until DH gets a handle on his kids' behavior. You say he's "trying", what does that mean?
If he is there and notices
If he is there and notices his kids being loud or doing something bad, he will speak up, in most cases. I feel like I just see so much more. I wish I didn't. He can be very oblivious. And he's not out much, he's either in house somewhere else or nearby and just doesn't see it chooses not to. It's also things my kids tell me they've said. Which again I can't just side with them but I believe it because of past experiences.
At the dinner table he needs to keep reminding the older one to calm down and quit talking so much. He does have some behavioral issues. But it's not easy for him to learn and the other kids maybe get ignored because he's focused on this, and then it is hard for us to have a normal meal.
Being in the car and the kids keep chattering non stop and then fighting, he says stop but no consequence. I finally lose and it yell. They are finally quiet but call their mom after I said their phone being taken away. DH doesn't really have my back in supporting me. So yeah, maybe it's his loss that he can't or won't really discipline and won't completely support me and this is just how it needs to be for now.
In other words, he makes
In other words, he makes pithy attempts at being a parent in the hope someone else will step in and take charge of the situation. Pathetic.
Yep, that's what I figured
Yep, that's what I figured "trying" meant. An occasional reprimand with no consequences. As the famous expression goes, "There is no try. There is only do or do not."
OP, keep things separate. If your DH wants a more blended family, he can stop ignoring his kids' bad behavior and do something about it.
Unless DH gives a consequences
To his kids. Like being grounded, lost of phone, internet ect. He just playing there games. And nothing is going to change. Actually he just doing the same thing as SK are doing.
I would see thing change. Before I would do anything
No.Keep things as separate as you are able to. Adopt the mantra
:"Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys." He will reap what he sows.
I know it's tough when kids are small, but he assumes ALL PARENTING responsibilities and engages in their care and interactions. You didn't create this mess, and they are NOT YOUR KIDS. If you invest time in them, you will likely end up like many women on here who've lost themselves with investing their time, energy, money and more in these brats, only to be made to feel like "nothing" as these kids grow older.
STOP IT. Do not DO ANYTHING FOR THESE KIDS. Daddy shops for birthdays, Christmas or whatever. You sit back and enjoy life. When they go to BM, you and DH have "date night" or whatever trips your trigger.
BTW-DH IS YOUR PROBLEM. Hollow reprimands, zero consequences and no consistency all while not having your back are a recipe for divorce. He MUST STEP UP AND PARENT HIS KIDS, but HE ALSO MUST BE YOUR HUSBAND and have YOUR BACK. This is not a Check "yes" or "no" or optional.
Save your sanity.
I've given up on feeling like
I've given up on feeling like a family with Skids. They come to our home and one of them spends the entire time complaining that we don't pay for enough for him (and telling us how much BM pays for), complaining that he is bored, complaining that DH is not doing enough to entertain him, crying (sometimes literally) about how DH is so mean to BM, and texting BM non-stop to tell us all the things he doesn't like about our house. With that in mind, it's diffcult to see him (and his brother, who is not as bad, but still treats our house like a hotel where he should be entertained) as anything more than a punishment to be endured EOWE and a complete disruption to our home. I feel like I just bide my time when they are here, until they leave and DH and I can resume our family life.
Time for the spread sheet for
Time for the spread sheet for this idiot kid. Show the comprehensive support paid for him by his father. Ever penny. Also include any supplemental costs that hid dad covers. Including, travel expenses for visitation, any medical costs not covered by insurance, etc, etc, etc....
The SpermClan tried this same crap with my SS. They layed guilt on him over how the CS they paid bought cars, houses, expensive vacations for us, etc... So, my CPA bride went CPA on them. When we sat SS down to review the financial facts, his eyes opened to the size of dinner plates, and he got very irritated over the lies and crap slung by the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
With failed family progeny like those that you describe the full unabridged review of the facts is really the only way of undermining the foundation of bullshit that their mother has created. Ultimately this will give them the ability to protect themselves from her crap as they progress into adulthood. Keep the spreadsheet updated, review it as necessary with them, and throw in a review of the Court Order, Divorce Decree, supplemental county regulations on visitation and support, and state regulations.
The more you tune the kids with the facts, the tighter you build the box around both the kids and the BM which forces them tone down their toxic and vitriolic crap.
Total confrontation of this kind of crap works in my experience.
Give it a try.