Munchkin SD14 and schooling
Lets just say that distance learning and Munchkin SD14 are not the best of friends. She normally is an A and a B student. Her current challenge has been logging on to the zoom classroom meetings and classwork.
Last Friday *yes the 13th! she was notified that work assignments are missing. She was with us all weekend and nothing was completed and submitted Friday, nor during the weekend although she kept saying she as going to "work on it". I am emailed notifications, no one else is. So I then got another on Monday, which is when she went back to her mother Toxic Trolls house.
Now, last night (Wednesday night) I get another notification for the same thing. I do what I normally do - screenshot and text DH and Munchkin. Because she is at Toxic Trolls, he feels that there isnt anything he can do to provide repercussions. If he calls and lectures sternly, he will be accused of being abusive. So he does nothing. This riled me up.
In response to her "sorry Ill do it now" text: (tell me if its too much involvement...)
Ok. I really want you to do well. I dont want you to fail your classes. It will hold you back from achieving your goals if you fail classes. If you have a poor academic record it will hold you back.
She wants to go to college. I wanted to give her repercussions. High school we are not going to hold her hand, its all on HER. If she loses out on grants or scholarships because grades, then she will have to figure out how to pay for it on her own. I mean, if shes having problems NOW, its not going to get easier. She has classeshalf day and nothing on Wednesday. What could be easier than that????? And college will be a cake walk.
I feel for kids doing the distance learning - they have to be more self-regulating and more accountable and more disciplined. Shes not any of those things, unfortunately. Shes a smart kid, but lazy as all get out.
Was I too harsh? Was I too involved. As of today, she hasnt responded, but its always like that. Her mothers apartment is this dark void of nothing that she disappears into.
Edited to add a new question: Do I simply forward the emails to DH and Toxic Troll without mentioning anything? Or do I let everyone know what I am going to do?
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I personally think you are
I personally think you are more emotionally invested in her success than both of her bio parents... but.... If you continue to do everything you can and she doesn't succeed (getting grants, getting into college) at least you won't have any guilt because you when above and beyond.
It appears that way to me too
And Ive been told I should back off and Im "too much". I get so very frustrated and am hoping she launches and learns from her sisters mistakes. Feral Forger SD21 has no drivers license and no college. Supposedly she is working as a waittress (hello COVID shutdowns...) Im hoping that Munchkin really steps up her game but there really isnt much I can do.
I myself went to college and loved it. And I myself also was held back from achieving certain things due to my scholastic performance.
After this, however I am withdrawing from further comments.
I don't think you were too
I don't think you were too harsh. I do think you're probably too involved. Her parents don't care. You're just going to drive yourself nuts by caring more than they do, and you'll never reap any benefit from it. Let her suffer the natural consequences. Better to learn the difficult lesson now than when she's further along and it matters a lot more.
REALLY
Super sound advice. I keep putting energy there and keep getting disappointed. Which is what my DH is afraid of for me. And its all good points.
I did complain to DH that this was the suckiest part of steplife. We are asked to care for these children who are not ours and we did not make, but only to a point.
Yes, she will need to learn the hard way, because its not going to get any easier than what she has right now...
How come her parents don't
How come her parents don't get these emails?? I understand you want her to succeed... most of us DO want this for skids. As for missing school work.. that's her parents job to monitor. When she is at your house you can help her, ask her about grades etc but it is NOT your job to stay on top of her.
I used to be on skids PowerSchool until court in 2018 and BM got me blocked from everything. (I still get some of SDs general team emails because BM didn't call the elementary school)
SS17 is barely passing school right now. I haven't asked this kid in years about school. Not my job. I however, help SD with work and I have conversations with SS16 about the importance of grades. They are both good students so it isn't really challenging with them.
Personally, you need to have a convo with your DH about you not taking all the school stuff into your hands. It is his and trolls job.
My SO does his best with SS17 but, he is extremely challenging. The distance learning isn't doing him any favors either.
I know if I were still in that looking at SS17s grades I would be going insane.
Be a positive influence on her but your DH really needs to step up the parenting roll and take that off your shoulders. It's not fair.
Based on this
And others advice I will be sending emails to DH's and Toxic Trolls account.
I don't think you need to be
I don't think you need to be sending emails. I think mom and dad have to obtain this information from the school themselves. School can send notifications. Parents are capable of obtaining the info if they cared. They don't. Now maybe you can still do it with your DH, like trying to get him to care. But it's pointless with BM. She is capable of obtaining school into herself. She doesn't care. You have zero control over what BM does or doesn't do and you have no power in making her care. If you want to help SD with her education, sit down with her and help her with school work. You can't make mom and dad care.
I don't think you understand it. You keep saying: It's her job. Well it's also dads job. yes it's their job but they don't care. You can't make them care. It's not that we think BM shouldn't care. She should. But you not gonna make her. It's pointless sending her screen shots or emails. Not gonna happen
Your message was fine
I think your email was fine, not too little, not too much. But for awhile, I wouldnt say anything else. I agree with the poster who said to let her experiences the natural consequences, ie, poor grade, perhaps failing a class. I also agree that she has some immaturity in the self-motivation area. We know shes a people pleaser. Im sure pleasing the teacher is a big factor in her normal schooling success.
The bottom line is she is the only person who can make herself do better, no matter how much we parents worry and want to help. The toughest part of parenting is standing there and watching them make mistakes they could avoid if only theyd listen to us. Hang in there, Clove.
I deleted
I had a whole giant text detailing what I was going to do and how frustrated I am. And then deleted it.
Its tough having to watch...and keep quiet. If that were my kid I would be checking on the assignments being submitted and have her log in credentials to check up on grades. Its all online and there.
I didnt check on assignments
I didnt check on our 5 kids' asignments and my mom never checked on us. My job was to be their mom. Their job was to go to school. I guess thats old fadhioned.
Distance Learning
Puts more responsibility on the kids, I feel.
I dont have kiddos, so all my "if this were my kid" is in theory only...lol. Who knows what the heck I would have done. It comes down to her being really lazy. And she doesnt have a teacher she wants to please. And theres no one holding her accountable.
Trying to think how to express this
My DH had one expectation: all 5 had to graduate from HS and they did. In a perfect world, they would have all gone to college and been fabulously successful. SD, average intwlligence, went to beauty school. OSS, very bright but insecure, went to work in the factory where my DH was plant superintendent. DS get his GF pregnant and went in the army. DD went to and graduated from a prestigious art school. YSS floundered for awhile. Flash forward: DD is dependent on us. OSS is an independent contractor and doing well. DS is making 6 figures working in telecommunications. DD is a SAHM but has made her $ on real estate. YSS a is a very successful salesman.
I go thru all this to say: they are going to do what they do, regardless of what we want.
Yes
Part of my frustration as well as motivation is that I made all her mistakes and it held me back. But, like you stated "they are going to do what they do, regardless of what we want'.
I just want her to be happy and successful, not a slug that doesnt launch.
Part of parenting is to
Part of parenting is to eventually accepting that our kids are who they are and it doesn't always match what we want. It doesn't mean we shouldn't help them but it means that we need to know when to back off.
In your case when SD is at her moms I don't think you should send her or her BM screen shots or emails of her grades. And you certainly shouldn't be sending that to BM. I'd be completely taken aback if my DDs SM did that. Not your place. That's moms time. If you want to harp on about her missing work, wait when she is in your home. And if she does no school work at your house then obviously it's not just BM's house where she is being lazy or isn't monitored.
When she is in your house you could suggest to sit down and do school work together and you can help but you need to stop being the one receiving school info. You need to enter your husband's info in school so he gets that stuff. He is so uninvolved it's appalling
Now you can get colleges degrees and be successful in life and not be a stellar student. There are many ways to get into colleges and many ways to be successful.
If your SD doesn't get scholarships she could go to community college first and then transfer to university, and she can go to community college part time. Work and pay for it herself. It's cheap.
One of my nephews went that route and the other went to traditional college. They are both engineers, both make similar amount of money and are very successful. No one cares how they get there.
You need to chill and stop stressing. SD will get where she is going one way or the other. Might not be your way. But even with our own kids they find their way.
BM
I recieve the info on missing work and assignments as well as holiday schedules. I think that Toxic Troll should be involved with childs schooling. Shes the mother, not I. So what if its "on her time". Isnt being involved in her schooling part of the whole "mother thing"?
Im not being sarcastic, just confused. How is wanting the BM to be informed messing with her visitation time?
Yes, Ive mentioned community college to her as an inexpensive way to transition to college. Im pretty sure thats the route she will end up going.
I had a sit down with DH last night. He can tell I am frustrated hes not following up to make sure she is completing the work.
He still needs me to be sending him screenshots so he can tall her "do your work". To me it doesnt make sense to say "do your work" and then not confirm "did you do your assignments?"
His angle is that he can only do these things when she is with us on our week.
Which brings me back to "Toxic Troll should be doing this on her weeks, then".
Yes kid should do work on
Yes kid should do work on moms and dads weeks. But she doesn't. You can't make this BM do what she needs to do. Yes ideally parents would be involved. But they both are not. You keep saying that's how things should be. But that's not things are in this kids life.
you said kid didn't do work in your household, then went to BM and isn't doing it there either. You can help her when she is in your home. You can't control what she does in BMs house
I also think that dad needs to be getting info from school. I don't know why he doesn't. BM should too. But you can't control what BM does. You aren't married to her. Try to help SD with school work when she in your home. But then again you said she is A student so I don't know why you are so upset she missed assignments
Also mom and dad should be receiving the info from school directly. It's their responsibility.
She WAS doing really well
But her missing work has changed things. Shes not open with me about current grade situation.
I agree. Im just backing off. Its really not my business.
It's perfectly fine to help
It's perfectly fine to help her with school work when she is with you. I helped my niece and she isn't my child either. But if she isn't open with you about her school work and doesn't want help, then I see no need to send BM or her emails or texts about missing work. They should be getting that info from the school themselves and they are capable of doing so
Being involved in child's
Being involved in child's education is mother thing. Of course. But it's not something you can demand or control. You can't even make your DH to get involved in parenting and do the right thing. How can you make this crazy woman do any kind of parenting??? You care more than both parents and it will cause you health problems if you keep going like this. It always back fires at you. Then you are upset and want to disengage. It's always same pattern.
We are having similar issues
We are having similar issues in our house with sd12. I see nothing wrong with what you said, I have said exactly the same things to sd12, we even spoke to sd's teacher this week who said essentially the same thing to sd too.
It is so hard to to assist with these kids when they are in our lives and we can see so clearly how and where they need assitance. My husband is not bad and does do some stuff, but often I find myself prompting him to step up and often it is just easier to do that myself. He lacks the ability to be consistant and tries to parent to the level of maturity where he expects sd to be, not to where she has proven to be right now.
Just do what feels right for you. We all have to accept that it could blow up in our faces sometime and it could be all in vain at some point in the future, but at least we tried.
I think...
After thinking and talking it out here, that I am realizing DH only feels like he can parent her schooling when she is with us.
Which frustrates me and makes me mad. Toxic Troll made this kid. Do the work, Toxic Troll.
So, DH will get screenshot from me, and call her and tell her "do your work", but not follow through with "Did you do your work? You cannot do xyz if you do not finish it by tonight". Plus, he doesnt feel he can do this when she is not with us.
He is trying, but he feels like he cannot parent effectively because Toxic Troll will not work with him on ANYTHING.
Which is why I sent them to Toxic Troll. Im mad that we have to do it ALL, working full time while she sits on her a$$ and does NOTHING.
But -she's NEVER going to do
But -she's NEVER going to do anything. She is who she is, and she isn't going to become who you want her to be (TT). Save yourself the stress of trying to control someone you have no control over, and figure out what you can do in your own home - but even that's limited because you aren't the parent.
TT doesn't value education like you do, not everyone does. Not all parents put time and effort into a child's education. That's YOUR view of what mothers should do, not TT's. You sending her the assignments and updating her isn't going to do anything. If she cared, she'd look it up herself; and she's clearly not a person who can be shamed into doing anything, and most certainly not by her ex's wife.
My DH did everything he could to help SS be successful in school, but BM didn't/couldn't/wouldn't push him to do what he needed to do, and she's a freakin' professor. It's not in her to really care about anything like that even if she pretends she does (and boy, did she pretend). Both of SS's parents are professionals and he barely graduated from high school and bombed out of Community College. He took BM's easy route and there was nothing DH could do, once he became a teen, and with BM in control.
There really is very little you can do to make Munchkin's life go as you hope it will.
Toxic Troll barely graduated high school
No, she would take the kids to the mall and make them miss school.
Almost 7 years in. You would think that I would know better! Its a darn shame I have no bios of my own to "helicopter" over.
Thanks Tog.
I have a similar situation
I have a similar situation here. I have made it a point to stay out of it this entire time. I am now regretting getting involved at all. SD 12 literally has a zero average this marking period. SO begged and pleaded with me to talk to the school for him. Like an idiot I did. I had arranged for her to be in person 4 days a week and to receive 1:1 tutoring with her teachers every Friday online for help with her homework.
Well all it took was 2 days of SD begging daddy to not make her go and instead of him putting his foot down and telling her this is a consequence of her choosing to do nothing. After being told again and again. He starts feeling guilty and is considering not making her go!!! Then says he doesn't want to have to fight with her about it.
I just shook my head and told him that if he is okay with his daughter failing and he feels that a 12 year old is capable of making life decisions then that's his choice. But, I am not ever wasting my time getting involved again, he is on his own.
That would make me really mad
These kids are being set up to fail. And then the parents wonder what went wrong.
Its all these incremental steps towards mediocrity/failure to launch.