Manipulative SD pulls the "Don't say I never come and see you!!" line
Just wanted to share the latest in the saga involving precious princess SD21.
[Disclaimer: I know that it is going to sound like I haven't learnt and that I am not listening to the advice I have been getting, but I have learnt and I have listened, and I have weighed up all the pros and all the cons and things have been fine for a number of months between us following some hard coversations.]
The last 5 months we had a blissful reprieve from SD because she's been busy with her new boyfriend. I'm not sure what happened with the boyfriend but suspect her shiny new toy is no longer so shiny so now she's back pandering to daddy. Daddy can't say no to his princess.
So last night SD is texting SO "can I come and stay for a few days". I just looked at him and said for him to do what he wants. The preious week we had a massive fight about it so I wasn't going to get into that again. He later showed me the text exchange which went something like: "This week is chaotic with Unsureofthis' daughers both in the house, so it is not ideal". Yay! I thought. Then her response "Fine, but don't say I never come and see you!!". Super manipulative to which he immediately budged and texted back somethig about how he needed to buy something for her that he had promised and could she come for dinner during the week instead? No response. Cold shoulder. He now needs to be punished.
My therapist, who I am now seeing on a one on one basis (gave up on the couple therapy), has urged me to take back my power and set clear boundaries. There is no need for us to break up, but it is important that the manipulation is kept away from me as I am losing any affection and attraction to my SO when I watch it play out before my eyes. It gives me the biggest "ick" factor to watch him try to impress her and for her to be in a tiny little singlet and little shorts with boobs and butt hanging out everywhere.
Most weeks we fight about this when she wants to come for sleepovers but other than last night it without fail ends in me thinking I'm unreasonable and her ultimately staying over. She stays with us to save petrol money by being closer to university and sometimes to get help with uni work - not to spend time with her dad. It is all about money and using us and she couldn't care less if SO's and my relationship is the collateral damage, or if my daughters are impacted by having an extra adult in the house. He gets wild, crazy eyes if I in any way prevent his precious daughter coming to us, saying that he doesn't care that she uses us as long as he gets to see her. He has thrown in my face that he can't see his children as much as he likes because my daughters and I don't like SD. I should add that I encourage him to see her outside of our home and also to invite her over for dinner. It's not that I don't want to see her, it's the sleepovers I don't like because she disrupts the household (it's a small house).
I am again developing severe anxiety as a result of this and I am taking action this time. It is going to sound like an ultimatum but according to my therapist there is no other way around it: for him to move out temporarily (it's my house so I'm not moving) and we can be together but live apart for the next few years while all children launch and we can spend the next 30 years in loving bliss. Ha! I know this is the fairytale, but the idea is that he can then carry on being wrapped around her little finger without me being forced to watch it and be repulsed by it, and more importantly, I will not feel used by her.
I am not really sure of the point of this entry other than to vent and maybe also to ask if anyone here has moved apart because of manipulative or disruptive steps and successfully kept the relationship intact despite not living together? I know my SO should see his child and spend time with her for sure, but I have no desire to collude with him on this anymore. I love him and I don't want to leave him. He is lovely to my daughters and we have good conversations and do fun things together, so he does have a lot going for him LOL. He also has 2 other children who I adore and respect.
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Comments
You will have to keep us
You will have to keep us posted. I have been right on the fence lately about doing the same thing.
It's sad but I know my relationship would be much more fulfilling if we only saw each other with no SKs involved. He is a such a different person when they are not around.
If nothing else we need to
If nothing else we need to know that we have options. Having separate households would solve so many issues but no doubt create others - like drifting apart and perhaps loneliness by not having the other person around all the time.
It is so unattractive to watch a normally self assured male turn into a pining puppy dog around his child. My children don't like his behaviour when OSD is over either because he changes so much. He doesn't think so of course.
Hi Unsureofthis
Hi Unsureofthis
The short answer to your question is that I'm not sure that separate households will work long term. Although it does protect you and your kids from any disruption.
I've been following your posts with interest as there are similarities between your situation and my own. I have one bs23 and 3skids osd23 ysd18 and ss13. As you can probably gather no problems with any of them other than Osd23.
I've been with my SO for 5 years. 2 years ago I sold my own house and my son and I moved in to his home while we looked for a place together. My SO has 2 BMs and while the 2 younger skids are not around much due to distance the Osd is over staying at SO at least 3 days per week over every weekend.
Osd is very spoilt and entitled (sounds like a dead ringer for yours!) and without blog hogging needless to say it became clear that I would never be my SO priority as when there were any issues he always took her side. Ultimately I decided to move out and bought a smaller place just for my Bs and I.
At the time I hadn't discovered steptalk and wasn't aware of all the pitfalls associated with skids and weak SO/DH. I just blamed myself for not being understanding and patient enough but I knew deep down that if we blended households it was just not going to work out for me anyway.
We carried on seeing each other with us both staying over at each other's houses here and there every week. And we broadly had a plan to buy our own place together once the kids had launched.
As time moved on it's become apparent to me that this will never happen. There is a launch plan in place for my BS (who has some mental health issues) once he completes uni.But nothing for Osd just excuses by SO. She has a wealthy mother who would help her out somewhat to launch but she's waiting to meet a walking wallet type boyfriend before she'll make any moves.
Ultimately I blame SO for Osd poor behaviour and failure to launch and I think I dodged a bullet with refusing to buy a home with him while she was still hanging around.
I should've called time on the relationship long ago if only I knew then what I know now thanks to all on Steptalk!
It won't work unless you have your DH onboard and I regret wasting 5 years of my life on someone who didn't have my back. I have now decided to end the relationship.
Hugs and I hope you reach the right decision for you.
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you have wasted 5 years on your SO. I'm coming up to 5 years soon too and my gut tells me this is the fate that awaits me as well.
It already frustrates me that I had identified the red flags early in our relationship and completely ignored them. I wrote about the preferential treatment of my OSD in my journal (before I found this site) after only a few months of dating. We broke up briefly as I thought the reason for his odd behaviour was that it was too soon for him after his divorce, but looking back it was all the same issues then. My therapist said to me that she will continue to use and manipulate him for the rest of his life but as long as I don't see it it should be ok. It gives me the "ick" factor when I see it, but perhaps ignorance is bliss and as long as she's not using me, only him, it may work.
Hearing your story confirms that it is a hopeless situation. Moving apart could well be a nail in the coffin. His loyalty to her will never change and all it does is drive us further apart. The two of them will be thick as theives whereas my SO and I will revert to being boyfriend/girlfriend. And what would others think? This is a big one for my SO - what others will think. He likes to portray us as one big loving Brady Bunch.
I fear even bringing this up with my SO will irretrivably damage our relationship as he does not see any problems with his SD's behaviour, and is convinced that she wants to see us and is the sweetest, well meaning creature that walks this earth. In his words she would be crippled with anxiety if she knew the fights it is causing between him and me. He is so deluded. This is why I have to make it about me and not wanting to be used any more.
Thankfully you didn't buy a house with your guy. One less thing to stop you from making the next move. Keep us updated on your decision to leave.