So reason 879 I should have disengaged more

I have to admit I've been avoiding blogging about things here. Mostly because I realize it's been a slow moving train wreck.

Eldest SD went into an eating disorder clinic in March. I was told she was doing better in April when I let her (18 YO to be 19 in July) move in. It was medical, I was told and she couldn't live with her mom ( who she got into multiple fights with in the clinic in front of the doctors). Crazy Pants is truly part of the problem...

Queue several months of frustration with living with a teen who doesn't care about house rules, how to live with others, etc.

It was minor stuff that never ended: leaving lights, fans, windows open when she would leave for days on end to be with her BF, showing up to do many loads of laundry without cleaning the lint trap or providing her own detergent or fabric softener, refusing to help us with small requests (go pick up fast food we paid for as a treat for all of us because she was tired from watching YouTube videos) while living rent and responsibility free here with us.

A few weeks ago she did get a job at our local pool, but only works a couple days a week, while spending several days a week at BF family home where again she is not held accountable for living there rent free.

Adding to this, this weekend the middle daughter went to work as a lifeguard at our local pool too with the idea she would work a couple days a week while hanging with her boyfriend the rest of the week.

I did put my foot down on boyfriends here. That's a hill to die on for me. No overnight boyfriends, period. I'm not waking up to strange men in my house.

So tonight, my fiancé and I went out for a rare night out to see friends play in a band at A socially distanced venue.

We got back at 9 pm, the kitchen was a mess. The girls had made a ton of dirty dishes stacked in the sink (Again knowing we had stessed ants and with an empty dishwasher they could have loaded them in), Multiple lights were on in multiple roomsand they had went upstairs to their rooms. They also had not fully closed our main gate to keep our dogs in. We had been over that multiple times in the past.

I admit I went off to my SO. I have asked repeatedly that he address these things with his kids and have been told he had. But clearly not. So while I was pissed at the mess, lack of respect, etc. he admitted he had done nothing. But the girls heard what I said. They yelled at me for being a horrible person and the kids left.

Basically because asking to have kids keep after themselves at 19 and 17 YO was too much.

It was made clear by my fiancé that I was to continue cleaning and catering to the steps, when we were already having an ant problem, with no commentary from me.

I'm just done. While they were here he kept asking me to stop saying this was all unacceptable. But I feel since March I've been telling him that the eldest SD has been treating us like sh!!t by not cleaning her room, leaving for several days with her lights and fans on. Using our resources without any acknowledgement or thanks. So today I told her and her sister that it was unacceptable.

On top of it all, they did nothing for their dad for Father's Day. They've been here for two days with no word or thought to the holiday (while he has paid for them to have weekends at the beach, private schooling, plus all their wishes granted!)

So when they left a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, after asking they fully clean up due to ants. I lost it.

The end is they feel I was unreasonable to ask for some accountability and they have gone back to crazy pants BM.

Fiance is sleeping on the couch. He didn't back me, although didn't back them, but I don't care! I can't continue to bend over backwards for kids who are just users! If fiancé can't have these conversations for months, he can't expect me to stay quiet about being used!

Thank you again for reading all this! Sometimes it helps to be heard!

Aunt Agatha's blog
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Bummer

I feel bad for you. The only positive note is they went back to BM. All teens are irresponsible but these 2 are particularly immature and thoughtless. And, I hope they are on birth control.

Fiancé? I wouldn't be going

Fiancé? I wouldn't be going ahead with the wedding if I came in last to leaching lazy skids. This is an eye opener for what married life will be like. Signing a document won't magically fix these issues two decades in the making.

Oh trust me!

The pandemic delayed things last year. But I am in no hurry to be tied to these kids! There's a lot we will be discussing this morning. I just do not understand how he can think anyone would put up with this! I didn't want the eldest daughter here in the first place because she has stolen from us before. But I was suckered into believing she needed to get out of her mother's house.

But since she has been here? It's been laziness, taking our laundry out of the drier and dumping clean clothes on the floor without giving us the courtesy of letting us know she was doing her laundry (another thing Dadeee had to talk to her about). Honestly I am so done.

As for eating? She has gained 3-4 lbs since March, She needs to gain 15 + lbs. She has only been working part time the last few weeks. The rest of it has been spent running around with her BF, who she makes fun of lbehind his back for being in community college and not a university like she is. It's clear she's using him and his family when she stays there. She had broken up with him prepandemic, but has used him and his parents house as another place to stay. She did take them out to dinner recently as a thank you because she realized 3 nights a week was a lot. But still acted entitled to use my house as she saw fit with no thanks nor common courtesy.

Thank you all for hearing me! It's not hard to be a decent person. But I find it unacceptable to be a lazy person, not say thank you and be a user of other people.

And when they left? All their lights were on!
.

So sorry to hear all this, AA

So sorry to hear all this, AA. I had similar kinds of things when the SKIDs were coming EOW, lights and appliances left on when they weren't there. I used to go in and turn everything off, but this is not the answer. Your SDs are well old enough to be told a thing once and do it. Your man is being a spineless knobhead, I'm afraid.

Understatement ...

" Your man is being a spineless knobhead"

And in her room

Where she - again as a 19 YO - has been told no food or soda as recently as two weeks ago because we found open food sitting around when once again she wasn't home. She is repeatedly irresponsible and in the past hid 5 half empty soda cans in her closet, all manner of food hidden, vaping equipment, etc. so hence the ban.

This mornings finds in her room, photo documented so Dadeee can't deny it:

- a knife, spoon and fork (dirty)

- a small bag of empty junk food wrappers

- two half eaten candy bars shoved in drawers

- a full soda bottle

- a half eaten pack of chocolate covered Oreos

- our IPad on the floor

- make up shoved uncovered in a desk I was letting her use, leaving powdered make up everywhere in the drawers

- a bright red hair dye kit

- red hair dye on the chair in the room and on the white wooden bed frame

Dadee and I are having a long talk today. I am not doing this. She has repeatedly been told no, but she just can't be respectful to her father or I.

It's not even clear how she can have all this junk food/remains and still not be gaining weight.

In any event, I don't care she can't stop fighting with her mother (part of the reason she came here this spring). I told her last night - in not my finest moment - if she is having problems getting along with others she needs to take a look at her behavior, because she is the common element at both houses. Yes her mother is a loon, but even my SO has pointed out she is rude and goads her mother instead of just keeping her mouth shut. We know this because the kid sends Dadee text fights she has with her mother, apparently because she is so proud of her poor behavior. He has told her it is still her mother and she needs to be more respectful.

Thank you all for listening. It's not going to be a fun day for me, but frankly she has dug herself a massive hole, and I can truly say I am done with her living in and abusing my house based on this repeated poor behavior.

how can she have all this

how can she have all this junk food/remains and still not be gaining weight

Binge and purge.

You did the right thing. If

You did the right thing. If your fiance can't support you over his lazy, entitled daughters. Then he can get his own place and live with them and their filth.

That behavior would drive me insane too.

Isn’t it interesting, that

Isn’t it interesting, that teens can have any number of arguments with their bio parents, huff and puff, then storm off to their rooms? However, when a stepparent utters a word of criticism it’s WW3 and off they go!

BTW, did SD stick it out at university?

Yes.

She finished her first year. The first semester was on campus, but essentially locked down in the dorm (which was actually a nice apartment). The spring semester was remote, which is when she moved back in with her mother, continued her years long fighting with her mother, stopped eating, vaped a whole bunch and ended up in the hospital. Then her move here full time in April, although again, didn't work until a few weeks ago and hung out with her BF several days a week. It was honestly a relief to not have her around every day.

So yeah, good for her for finishing her first year. She really does need to grow up though and stop this nonsense. I even asked to put motion detector lights in her room and hallway to cut down on this electricity waste, which has not happened.

I even asked to put motion

I even asked to put motion detector lights in her room and hallway to cut down on this electricity waste

Why should you have to do that? Absolutely unnecessary and just accommodates them. A better way to cut down on the waste, is to not let them come back.

You have given your SO the chance to talk to them and put a stop to the nonsense and he lied to you about it. I would be done with them (and him, too, if he doesn't like it).

As far as they are concerned, your SO not backing you, did mean that he backed them. He didn't express that they did anything wrong, so...

I wouldn't let either of them back in my house.