DH now wants help and other funny very short stories
HA, Im working towards a theme here folks. What it is exactly I have no idea, but another short story:
I had sent DH a little screen shot of a letter from a teacher - SD's Chemistry teacher. You see this week is parent-teacher conference, SD15 is interested in a science-based career and shes gotten a progress report in the class stating shes got a B but "she can do better".
SO when I saw this on the PR, I briefly mentioned the comment and let it go. Forgot all about it.
Last night, DH mentioned "oh I never saw this email", and it lead to a discourse on how I no longer have any access to grades through parent portal (they no longer use it) and how I also do not go into the google classroom so all hes got it progress reports emailed and parent teacher conferences.
ANd NOW of course he wants me to help "set him up". I reiterated that I no longer do THAT, but when I asked the school previously why no parent portal I was directed to access the students Google Classroom, which I had been doing all along, until I didnt. I told him all this, and his response was classic him: "thats all bs". To which I responded "ask your daughter to set you up with her google classroom credentials, its EASY"
I told him "No its NOT bs, its what I did when I saw that SD15 Backstabber was failing - I got into parent portal and google classroom and I could see what her grades were at the given time as well as what was assigned without due dates and what was assigned and not turned in. I did that when she had over 25 missing assignments and how do you think I even knew about that????????????? And created a prioritized list???? How did I do that???????Click, Cick click click, easy as freaking PIE." I was so mad, folks, I unleashed a bit. Then just calmly said "I guess Im still mad about being called a 'creeper' by Toxic Troll because I was PARENTING her child."
DH, to give him some credit, simply stated "well youve done more for her than her own mother and been more of a parent than her own mother EVER has..."
So - bonus question if youve read this far and are so inclined:
Sd15 backstabber (yes Im back to that for this post) failed her freshman art class. I bought her supplies because she said she couldnt turn in any work it had to be "drawn" without digital. Then her main teacher came back and I guess she could do some digital. Anyway, after School-gate where I was accused of harrassment and being a 'creeper' on parent portal, she stopped doing any of the work and failed anyway after getting A's. I was told that "art isnt important for graduating, its just not a big deal".
So, THIS year she signed up for ceramics. And has an A. And as a reward DH took her to get headphones. So she can
REALLY check out when with us...lol.
Question: Why is art NOT important, and ok to fail, without repercussions, but Ceramics IS important enough to reward an A in? Am I thinking of this wrong?
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Comments
You are correct
Art is important! If I am correct, you need elective credits to graduate. Now, maybe your SD has enough electives, however, it will affect her GPA for college admission if she chooses to go.
Aside from all that, it is the other life skills SD is missing. Deadlines, work ethic, attitude!! All those matter in any job she chooses to get. And when you can't pay your bills or be at a job, there are consequences...as there should definitley be in this case. DH should be the one to enforce that and learn how to get on those sites.
Hes not going to on his own
And Im halfway there to just "oh well, whats on for dinner?" anytime school is even mentioned because it makes me so mad.
Why does it make you mad
Why does it make you mad though? What exactly makes you mad? Her not having grades you want her to hsve? DH not being a good parent? That is who he is. That is who you married. So what he doesn't check her grades? Why does it matter so much? Which part makes you mad?
Anger issues
All of the above are making me angry.
when I unleashed the biggest part at that moment was his comment "its all bs".
So why the he!! did I spend over $500 on incentives and supplies? Why did I spend the time? It was all a huge waste and to top it off I got ridiculed and put down via text.
Well that's a good question.
Well that's a good question. Why do you do that? Over 500 on supplies or insentives for a regular high school class is unreasonable. It's not needed to succeed. And I am an artist. I know you aren't trying to buy love but you don't need to do any of this. You can show love and care in other ways. Just teach by example. You are a good person so just continue being that. They won't treat you better for doing all these crazy extra things. Back off and get busy with other things.
A: Stop helping your DH, he
A: Stop helping your DH, he is using weaponized incompetence so he can continue to be lazy and not parent
B: You are required to have so many electives to graduate, I think for our school district you can flunk like two classes over the four years before you are ineligible for graduation and have to take summer school or make them up.
C: Stop helping your DH, he is a grown a$$ man who created two children, she wasn't alone in that process and he has done nothing to help them.
You are perfectly right
Im stepping down. Im still too mad to separate myself.
Yes, what advice.only said
Yes, what advice.only said above. Stop helping DH, he's on his own. If in 2021 he can't figure out how to work Google, then he'll have to call the teacher, the old-fashioned way, on the phone.
Also, Ceramics IS Art. They are both art classes. SD15 was just being a teen because she wanted to get you off her back. Personally, I'd stop asking her anything more about school.
Activating Toxic Troll
Thats just being a teen.
GRRRR that wouldnt happen in an intact family of bios. Its manipulative in the worst way. Im still angry, and its all been coming to the surface lately.
It most definitely can happen
It most definitely can happen in an intact family of bios. Kids pit their parents against each other all the time, it's just easier in a step situation when people hate each other.
Yes I know kids pit the parents against each other
BUT its resolved and appropriate measures taken instead of false accusations, child custody threats and all the freaking put downs and demeaning.
TOTALLY different levels of suckage in step parenting situations.
Teens are manipulative with
Teens are manipulative with bio parents too. It certainly could happen. I don't think your SD is that different from how many obnoxious teens are lol My own was a pain in a neck. I don't think SD is an issue. Her parents are
the BIG difference
is her activating Toxic Troll. Sure they are manipulative. Sure they play the "parents" against each other.
But Ive been demeaned and diminished at every turn the past 8 years and only had the best of intentions and its now coming to the surface. This "righteous anger" is just bubbling to the surface exposing all the years of emotions all at once.
But they aren't treating you
But they aren't treating you better because you do all that extra stuff. So you might just stop. And it's on your DH allowing BM and SD treat you poorly. It's on him. You have to take it all up with him. Anger should be aimed at him.
You still haven't stepped
You still haven't stepped away from this school issue, and that's okay as long as you aren't pretending you have. He is still not doing anything and pretending he's helpless.
YEP.
I dont have any ore credential and access, I no longer contact school officials.
Im out of it. I FEEL like I have stepped away. I dont know what more I can do...?
Well...What could you do? You
Well...What could you do? You just sent screenshots of letters her teachers wrote. He is the parent. He needs to find the way to have access to whatever is that he needs as a parent including whatever letters. You then explained what he needs to set up in order to monitor his kid. You could stop all this.
He is a grown man and could figure out how to do it or he could call school counselor and they'll help him out. Or he could call her teachers. He could do what parents normally do
Honestly you didn't step away. And it's ok. It's not easy
Point taken
That was what the discussion entailed - that I had ALREADY set him up he simply chose to ignore it. With no good excuse.
I highlighted that.
I only sent the one letter as part of the highlihgt of "there are some important pieces of info and if you want to PARENT, then you have the tools".
You sent him a screenshot of
You sent him a screenshot of a letter? If it was a snail mail letter, could have just left it for him to open later.
I'll admit, I looked at SS's portal all the time - but, not with the intention of helping or getting DH to help. Mostly just to see what was happening and a bit of schadenfreude.
CLove Honey, this is not The
CLove Honey, this is not The Way. You're backsliding.
And that pat on the head your H gave you? The ole "You're a better mom than BM"? It's right out of the Non Parent Playbook - just a lure thrown out in hopes you'll bite and reengage.
Leave them to it. You know your H's tricks, you know nothing you do will be appreciated or change the ultimate outcome. I say this with kindness - Give yourself a hard shake, AND GET BACK IN YOUR LANE.
I thought that was
a sincere comment. It wasnt? I wont renegage. I tried healing a few weeks ago and took SD15 backstabber out for an afternoon of live music in a garden setting with pizza. And she was texting friends the whole time and walked off to take phone calls.
Added to the fact that shes holed up in her room the entire visitation - there really has been no healing and no connection and no desire to re-engage at this point.
Im back in my slow-lane to my own place. We definitely are not car-pooling to the same destination...
It's both true AND
It's both true AND manipulative - if you fall for it. If your H knows that you respond to validation/approval, buttering you up can't hurt and might make things easier on him, so why not say it?
Never forget CLove - your H is a recovering addict. Addicts by nature are skilled at lying and manipulation. It can become a reflexive behavior. Just don't allow complements to sway or distract you.
Even in intact homes, there
Even in intact homes, there are dads (probably majority) that leave ALL of that checking to their spouse (the childs mother)- men 'assume' their current wives will do the same, make life easier for them, w/out ever worrying about making life easier for YOU (as in saying you have no authority to impose anything). My DH was also a very lazy selfish parent, he never checked any of that stuff, I only did for a year or two tops, then let it go. It was up to SD to tell him about her grades and he believed whtaever she said. I also got angry because I wanted him to care about these things, and he didn't. Oh but he sure as hell spent tons of time criticizng bm's lack of parenting.
Unfortunately we married crap fathers - and that is the result. Just have to let go and let be what it is. Look at my SD, now knocked up and jobless and moving across state at 20 lol. It can be great for you too LOL
No authority
Ive been letting go of responsibility as well. I do not offer any shopping trips for winter clothes this year. I do not offer to cook with her. I do not offer rides anywhere any longer.
DH is a total lazy parent. And I hate that!
Well there is no direct
Well there is no direct correlation between obsessively checking parent portals/ checking kids' grades every minute and how successful kids turn out. My parents didn't check mine and I didn't check my DD's. Yup. Everyone is college educated professionally employed and successful. Never have been in any trouble
Clove bought her art supplies and devised plans how to pass and checked portals and SD still failed art. I knew an aunt who checked her nephews grades every hour. Literally. Non stop. Major obsession. He still was trouble. No direct correlation here.
SD now doing the same or in fact better than when her grades were checked every day and everything was monitored constantly. Again, because there is no direct correlation between how much you check their grades and how well they do
Checking & Correlation
1. I checked only so I could nag. Just calling it out, she was making A's in everything. So no - her grades are not better. This was a progress report and obviously the A in art is not important. i dont check just to check and I do not check anymore period.
2. Checking to make sure she isnt failing due to lack of turning in assignments vs lak of subject understanding is a valid discussion point. LAST year, it was simply lack of doing the work. This year? Dont know and dont care.
So - I totally get your message - checking the parent portals and classrooms in and of itself does nothing. But instilling a sense of accountability - THAT was the goal the entire time.
It's a valid discussion point
It's a valid discussion point, grades and stuff. But as much as you'd like it to be, it's not for you to have that discussion. No one appreciates or learns from it. Your Sd doesn't even shower or eats right, her grades is the least of troubles here. It's sad but that's how it is. If you have a desire to help children succeed there are plenty of parentless kids. You could volunteer in children's home, shelters, foster kids or be a Big Sister. You can make a difference. Your SDs have both parents. They aren't good parents but those are the ones she got. They are the ones in charge of this nonsense
Agreed
Looking into that actually.