The semi-awkward funeral & the refrigerator
So, yesterday was really intense. A funeral happened. A good friend of DH, who he grew up with and DH's daughter (SD15.5) and his daughter are really close, and go to school together. We both took the day off and So did SD15.5 B/M. We get there and go through the protocols (everyone wearing masks, a temperature checker, write in the book, hand sanitise) settle in, turn around and "behold" there is Toxic Troll in her "cold shoulder black velour with rhinestone stars" outfit, in all her shameless glory. Introductions went around, and the wife of the deceased you could tell was in an awkward space. A month ago, we were on the phone and she mentioned how she is "only friendly because the daughters are friends, but other than that she doesnt think much of her as a mother". In fact, this woman was instrumental in Dh's divorce, as was the deceased. They connected DH to a friend who is a paralegal and did all the paper work and filing. So Toxic Troll showing up was all kinds of awkward.
There was music and singing and prayers, and then the "acknowledgments". This guy was everyones "best friend". And Toxic Troll, several years ago, maintained that this guy came around and spent 3 plus hours hanging around a few times. And she said he "made some moves on her". Hes been with his partner for 17 years. So, Im in between Toxic Troll is a liar, or there is a grain of truth in there. Partner and Toxic Troll have the same body type and the same name. Hes been known to stray a bit, in fact once with Dh's niece. Yup. Imagine being at this guys funeral and everyone is crying and you know hes a cheater, and Toxic Troll in her rhinestone outfit is one of his sort of affair partners.
And of course, SD15.5 has to sit with her mother "to comfort her in her sadness". One of those fun parts of step life that everyone gets to enjoy, the whole "dad has someone but mom doesnt so I have to be her support system". Leaving dad in the dust basically. But I digress.
So, lunch with just he and I because COVID, and TT and SD15.5 stayed behind to join the others in the after reception/lunch.
And then our new-to-us refrigerator happened. DH has someone he does sidework for, who is moving, and needed to liquidate quickly, so we got a super awesome deal. We got a uhaul and hauled that big huge sucker into our super tiny kitchen. With lots of swearing and pleading, it fits. And its glorious. Sd had to stay with TT and had a bit of an attitude because she didnt have her charger with her, because she left it behond at our house not knowing that her choice to hang with her mother would result in our "ditching her" sort of.
That charger is important because (yeah I know) I checked the phone records, and shes still logging about 10-15 hours a day on weekends, 5 plus hours on school days, and her charger is instrumental for these phone calls to happen. Oh well!
At the funeral I chanced to chat with the deceased Ex stepson. This man on the youngish side, told me that he called the deceased almost every day for advice and just to vent. And did some work with him. That he didnt spend a whole lot of time because of when the deceased separated from his mother. That stuck me, because another aspect of steplife is what happens if death occurs. I mentioned to DH that "if anything happens to you and you die, I know that Ill never see SDB/M ever again". He just looked at me, with a serious look on his face, and got very quiet. I think it was a moment of truth thats not comfortable for him, because me knowing this gives me less incentive to invest in her. I dont know.
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Oh man
TT makes me chuckle. Black velour for a funeral, check. With rhinestones, like WTH! LOL
Why on earth would TT spread around that she was cozy with the deceased man?
You know Id bet the farm that many SM's have little or no interaction with skids once their partner passes on. Im talking the toxic skids, the kind that cause you to drink.
SD15.5
We have a very cordial relationship bordering on friendly. A few times as a young child she said "I love yous".
But the sad fact remains that if anything happened to her father, out of a sense of duty or whatever, shed let me go. I feel like Im not valued at all, really. With SD22 FF it would be a relief to never see her again.
Yeah, big rhinestone STARS, because she is a star right.
She mentioned the cozyness several years ago and it was to Dh, so she could make him jealous...I dont know the veracity of things because TT lies and re-writes history so much.
Clove
Fill your heart and mind with things that bring you joy. Its a sad reality the way many a skid see the SM. Knowing this put all your energy to where its valued. Backstabbers loss if that would be the case. I mean seriously her role model is TT? Face palm. You bring so much good to the table. Maybe one day SD15 will realize that. Until then you do YOU.
Blessings
YES
Any time I waver from that, I just need to re-focus. Its just me if anything happens to DH. I have no bios. Just a younger brother and a niece and nephew. The funerale really tore at me and revealed the depth of my vulnerability.
Clove
Funerals have a way of making us reflect.
Clove you have more than you realize. It hurts when we think we could have a family with steps, especially with no bios. Ya know what I am bioless, have a cray cray family , but I try to look to the positive. Its hard but count your blessings.
Hugs
Trying to
counting my blessings as we speak
Steptalkers are blessings 
Death Has Impacted Us
I'm a realist and have the ability to discern the future simply by looking at people's actions. Many times, I'd tell DH...you need to do some work with YOUR family/kids....the future will bring grand children and it will bring illness (as we age) and it will bring death. Do you want us in this place when those things start happening? No one listened to me.
DH now has grandkids that I have no part of. This severly impacts his seeing his kids (they live across the country). Had we all been in relation, we'd visit much more. As it is, with me being completely disengaged from his kids, he goes out maybe once a year for a whirlwind visit.
BM died in 2020. His kids were local for a week and since they aren't allowed in our marital home, DH got to see them at the funeral and then a day visit at his ex SIL's house (the one who berated him constantly). It was super uncomfortable for him but as he has ownership in the StepHell issues, that's on him. I never once saw his kids.
I've already told DH...should I die before him, his kids are NOT welcome at my funeral. My kids have been advised and agree. If DH dies before me, my last time to see his kids will be at his funeral. After that, I will NEVER see them again.
There is also another topic, CLove. That of sickness. DH is older than me and has health issues. I have a tentative plan in place should DH go into the hospital and they need to be told. Sadly, it doesn't include constant updating and that is going to be a hard thing for them to handle considering they live 2k miles away.
It's unfortunate but most of these toxic behaving SKs don't think past their noses. They only think for the minute and how it benefits them right then and now. When reality hits, it hurts (they might not admit it but it does). But again...they made the bed, now lie in it.
I wish we could share pics here. I NEED a photo of that "funeral" outfit. LOL
ducks in a row
Im always telling people they should get their ducks in a row. Time for me to follow my own advice.
Her fun-eral outfit is burned into my brain. I couldnt help but notice her curled hair. Because she likes to tell people that DH forces me to curl my naturally curly hair to look like her.
I havent even thought about SD22 Feral Forger and my funeral...she would not make it.
TT is really trashy
To show up at that funeral. Yikes.
Yes.
Boundary Bustin is her thang
funerals and after
If DH goes before me, have no expectations of seeing the SDs or grandkids after DH dies. We barely see them now. Once they realize there are no $$, all contact will cease.
I do worry about if I go first. DH has some medical issues and will not be able to live alone. He will need to enter assisted living. Someone will need to organize that. OSD is not capable of understanding what would need to be done. I spoke to YSD about the scenario last fall, and other than speaking to him for a few minutes when DH dropped off Christmas presents, there has been no contact. YSD hasn't talked to him or asked me how he is doing. That does not bode well.
My kids keep telling me not to worry. That if YSD doesn't step up, they will. That's nice of them, but it should not be their responsibility.
If I go first
Dh is covered. My work povides life insurance and our mortgage is so low he can cover it by having someone rent a room.
Its time to make my own funeral arrangements and his too...wills, power of attorney.
Plans
Clove, I know you're kind of mourning not having bios for your old age but, let me tell you, I have 2 bios and I worry, too. I love my bios and they love me BUT they are both way different from me. Too long a story to go into but I would never live with either, no way. They both have some petsonality traits of their dad and I lived it once, never again.
I plan to go into an assisted living community, my mom had a very favorable experience there. Maybe it will be one near one of my bios, probably. As far as the SKs go, I saw how they treated their SD after BM died. That's enough for me.
I am. Sort of.
Im more just realizing that my "emotional investment" is going down into a void of nothingness.
Thank you for the perspective
Im sure that assisted living would be a good place to go. I dont see that for us...
Of course SD had to stick
Of course SD had to stick with TT at the funeral. SD knows what would happen if she didn't. You know where SDs loyalty is.. try and not let it destroy you even though it hurts.
SS17 came with us to one of SDs basketballs games 3 years ago. BM was with her husband so not "alone." SS came back and said BM started crying because SS said he was coming back to sit with SO and I.
That was the last game SS17 came to one her games. BM ruined it for him. SS17 is very much into basketball and plays himself. There he was 14 trying to support and help his 11 year old sister and BM (LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES) made it about HER.
SS17 tends to just avoid these situations so that's why he stopped coming.. didn't want to deal with her drama.
Sad situations.
My husband has told his eldest sd a few yrs back
That since their mum pretty much neglected them and they have no relationship with her apparently but they still choose to shun us and be disrespectful that sd needs to understand as it is currently, if hubby is no longer alive, they have no one because i will go my own way with our 2 young kids and skids will be on their own and their bio mum not a care or concern for them and thats on them.
They chose to be disrespectful rude etc and the fact none of us wants to be around them and what hubby told them, out of everyone, i'm the only sane individual in their immediate circle capable of being a role model and they've burned any and all bridges of a relationship.
its not my job to parent or guide skids, if i did it, it was out of good will or pitty but their disrespect pushed us to want no relationship with them