Shocked at DH comments
I've posted a ton of blogs on here about SD12 behavior and attitude. Mostly trying to get a guage on what is typical teenage behavior.
Well, more drama with SD12 came up the other day. This time involving SD having an argument with BM. DH was telling me the *long* story and proceeded to say: "Well I'm not saying that SD12 definitely has a personality disorder, but she has traits of one... and her BM does too. But BM doesn't help the situation." OMG, FINALLY! I feel like DH will have a moment of realization... then take two steps back.
DH was on the phone with his Dad the other day and I overheard him asking how SD12 was doing. DH proceeded to tell his Dad (SD's grandpa) that she was doing so great going to youth group and going on mission trip this summer with some friends. *eyeroll* It's as if he wants to present a facade of SD12 and hide the whole truth. Idk why, it just gets on my nerves. Why not be honest with your own parents and just flat out say the grandkid is struggling? I don't get it. It's like DH tells me one thing, and then everyone else another. UGH.
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It's called pride. And him
It's called pride. And him admitting htings about her was probably at a moment of weakness. Either he didnt mean it or if he did mean it if he loved her he would follow up and do something about it.
OMG! Yes! Two years ago when
OMG! Yes! Two years ago when DH and I first started counselling, I told our therapist that "DH will give me a crumb and then snatch it away from me." That was in relation to my conditon on not divorcing DH was that I really need for him to start telling me in very specific wording that he does see things that SD does and that DH's response to them, impacts our marriage. An example is that DH mentioned to me one time that "she walks around acting like she hates people." I wanted to yell "finally!" He's seeing her for what she does. Then, two days later, he starts going on about what an introvert she is and blah blah blah and how she's always hated being the centre of attention. Excuse me?!!! This is a chick who posts constant selfies. I mean constant. I'm talking at least 20 a day. Body shots too. She posted several pics of herself on social media of herself topless. Yes, bare boobs hanging out because she wanted attention. And she hates being the centre of attention? Luckily DH finally stopped "taking it away from me," because I think that was a huge need for me and I'd be long gone by now if he didn't start "letting me have it."
Right!? Glad it's not just me
Right!? Glad it's not just me. That's exactly what is it.
My DH used to do that too He
My DH used to do that too He would speak out of both sides of his mouth about SD and BM. At first he would complain about BM but then end it with but she's a good mother...
He never had anything bad to say about SD when we were first going out. It was all rose colored glasses about everything and the mental gymnastics he used to turn any negative behavior into something positive was pretty laughable. Like when we were watching a neighbor kid SD would always take the first turn or best seat or whatever better version of things that they were doing. DH said that she was being assertive. I thought she was being a selfish little jerk.
Over time though DH became a lot more comfortable saying negative things about SD of course I could never agree with him or he snatched the come away and go right back into the false positives.
Finally now I think DH trusts me enough that he can be completely honest about how he actually feels about the SD situation. It really was a long and slow transformation but now he's not afraid to talk about the ugly truth with me. He still will say nothing but positive or at least neutral things when we are around other people but when it's just him and me he is honest.
I think the "crumb snatching" is a matter of trust and embarrassment. Your DH doesn't trust you enough to be completely honest with you about the situation because he's embarrassed about his kid. Inside he knows the truth, they all do. But he's got to get over his shame and denial on his own.
EVIL4
I so wish my Dh would acknowlege that SD hates people and is very snarky! She just made fun of one her former highschool classmates becuase he went off to college this past fall to become a lawyer and has since changed majors. She basically made snarky comments about how she knew he wouldn't be able to become a lawyer. Umm how about how her boyfriend swtiched from wanting to become a Physical Therapist to now wanting to be a cop and she is going for Sonography becasue it looked easy.
I remember you've mention
I remember you've mention your SD saying nasty things about her peers before. Also, what about her original plan to take a 9-month course for a job that wouldn't even allow her to make a living wage? She doesn't have room to talk.
SD makes fun of other people,
SD makes fun of other people, but has not room to talk either! She doesn't understand "if you don't have anything nice to say..."
Ginger, your SD must not be
Ginger, your SD must not be very informed. You can be accepted to law school and become a lawyer with any undergraduate major. My parents are both lawyers - one majored in Chemistry, the other in Accounting and Economics. I have friends who went to law school after majoring in Early Childhood Education and Kinesiology. It doesn't matter - best to major in something you enjoy and can do well in. At least if she has to make fun of someone she should have a good basis for it.
YEP.
Same here, except husbands father is deceased.
But to his friends and family, he will build them up bigger and better than they actually are because of course they are an extension of him and his wonderfulness.
Your SD may or may not be a
Your SD may or may not be a narcissist, she's at a bad age and most 12 yos are azzholes. I'm cynical and don't love her, and even I can't rule out the remote possibility she may recover from her azzholery. DH loves her, so his hope is even stronger.
My SD19 is a narcissist, but I don't discuss it much, even with DH. It makes him sad, and now that's she's out of the nest, the only thing he can do to correct her is not coddle her. So that is the extent of my wishes regarding the two of them. I know what I know, and I don't need DH to validate what I know. The best way I can fight her is to make our lives together so positive and happy, he doesn't have time for her negativity. DH doesn't need to hear how much I hate her. If I need to vent I come here or talk to my BFF. She is also a SM, so I'm lucky in that respect.
What I almost never do is share my opinion with DH's extended family. His parents are elderly and frail and I don't think they have much time left on this earth. I keep things friendly, light, and pleasant with them. There is nothing to be gained by telling them what I know. They are in no position to make any difference with regards to who she is or her behavior. When they leave this earth, I want them to do so peacefully. The truth is a burden they do not need.