SS Cut me out, wife leaning towards separation
I posted a couple of years ago here. My stepson is 16 and have been in his life since he was 5. It has been such a struggle because his father is a narcissist, manipulative, and has brainwashed him. He has always wanted to live with his dad full time since before I came into the picture, and as of two years ago changed from 50/50 to living there full time.
Through avenues of therapy with my ss and individually, we have tried working on our relationship through years of me making comments about his dad or getting mad and snapping at him and he with behavioral and emotional outbursts.
There have been ups and downs the last couple of years and more ups for sure compared to recent years.
A few days ago he completely blew up because I made a comment completely unrelated to him that triggered something, led to swearing and saying I'm the reason he never comes over and has now cut me out. My wife and I have two toddlers. She says she is open to us staying together but if my ss wants to visit I need to go for the weekend. She is not willing to commit to us in the long term saying if he ever wanted to move back in then we would need to separate because she is putting him first and will not ask him at any point to try and re engage with me. Looking for advice on what to do
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I would separate from her
I would separate from her temporarily and see how you both get on. I'm not sure I could stay with someone when I was chucked out of the house every other weekend and would potentially be put on the street at the whim of a 16 year old.
The temporary separation will show each of you if that is what you really want and help you both work out priorities and if living separately could work for you both.
I might consult with a lawyer before moving out even temporarily to check if it would affect any future claims on the house or custody time with your toddlers in the case of divorce.
I'm not sure how separating
I'm not sure how separating would work. She told me counseling (which we have done before) or taking space won't change her boundary of if her kid wants to come more often or even move in, then it's him over me kinda thing
Disengagement is your friend
Disengage from SS completely. Do nothing to support him and put ALL your time and attention towards your bios.
Imediately, like as in TODAY, get thee to a lawyer! This situation has been simmering for years. I read your previous post. Your wife is telling you she doesnt consider you or her other children her priority. Believe her. Go to a top lawyer and find out what your options are.If she leaves you, you need to consider custody and child support and spousal support. Division of assets.
Your children need you to be on top of this toxic world you and wife brought them into. You will need to either:
1. suck it up powder puff. Cater to your wifes failed first family attempt, to keep things peaceful
2. Play the long game and stay as long as your bios are minors.
3. Get out of dodge and create a new life without toxic failed first family attempts and ss worship.
She doesn't see it as she's
She doesn't see it as she's putting her kid over ours or me because our kids are 'emotionally safe' whereas her kid is not. I am willing to play ball but she's saying that if he wants to come more or move in it's him over me
You are in a bad spot
Your DW is putting her DS ahead of you and your kids. I don't know what to do with a woman with that mind set. Going away for the weekend with yiut bio kids , could be a good think. You can plan a amusement park day, zoo day, museum day. Just have a input in the weekends SS is coming. You want weekends that YOU can do things. With your bios . Unfortunately SS may get upset that he visits in his mother and you are at a baseball game
That's what we are trying to
That's what we are trying to work on now. He only visits one weekend every two months on average and her line of thinking is by letting him know I can leave whenever he needs he will come around more often. Maybe he will maybe he won't idk. But yeah working on what that looks like because I don't want to not see my kids for a whole weekend every time
Read the recent blog on why
Read the recent blog on why it's important to put the couple first, not the children when it comes to the nucleus of a family. Worth a read.
You Have a DW Problem
Yes, your SS has issues and is causing problems BUT only because his mother allows it. I'm guessing he's aware of her stance and uses that to his advantage. You say you've been in therapy. Have you and your wife been in counseling? I seriously doubt ANY qualified therapist would support your wife's stance with her kid.
Personally, I'd opt on separating and taking MY kids with me. And as CLove said, regardless, get yourself to an attorney ASAP to protect yourself and your bio children. With her mindset, I'd have major concerns about my children staying with her as she values her first child much more than these and has clearly shown her lack of concern for them.
Best to you.
EDIT: After reading other's comments, I strongly suggest you get to an attorney before doing anything else, including following any of those stupid directions of your wife. As someone said, leaving for the weekend could "bite you in the butt" so to speak. I would NOT let her know any of your plans.....but you definitely need legal advice to navigate this situation properly. Especially for your bio children.
We have been in therapy her
We have been in therapy her and I mainly for general communication and stuff. Him and I did therapy for a few months but he stopped trying after a while. Looking for what you mean with the legal advice and how leaving for a weekend would hurt me
If she thinks you left and
If she thinks you left and "abandoned " her and kids she could keep them from you with legal means. Get to a lawyer and find out your rights.
Think Long Term
She's already threatened separation or divorce. If you leave every time he visits, you lose anyboosition on custody of your children and house. Since your house is their habitual home, and if you leave the toddlers with her when you vacate, you will set her up to be the primary parent, and the kids need to stay with her in the home they are accustomed to. Which means you lose them and the house until the lawyers and courts finish it all. Get a lawyer fast.
Then, with his/her advice, set yourself up as the primary parent. He visits? You pay for a hotel for them to stay at. Help pay for a vaction for just the two of them, the kids stay with you. Or put your foot down and just refuse to leave. But be sure she hasn't set it up to take your kids and home out from under you! Disengage as much as you can, but if she insists that SS comes before everyone, someone needs to look out for those toddlers and for you!
I wouldn't stay with someone who badmouthed my kids Dad. If years of counseling haven't taught you to be polite (you can be honest and polite if a lie needs refuting), I don't see it changing in the next few years. Which means your wife is caught between her husband and her child. She's choosing the child. If you can find a way of living together peacefully, that's the best solution! But it looks unlikely. A lawyer for you, and couples counseling sounds like your next steps.
Why should he pay for her to
Why should he pay for her to see her son? I am sorry but if the 16yo wants to live with his father due to his behavioral issues and wants to cut off his SF who did nothing but try to enforce rules and some decorum, then she needs to pay to see her child or go live with her ex
I am cut off and have cut off my OSS21 after he put his hands on me and I will not pay for my husband and his son to go on a happy vacation and enjoy their lives just because he cant stand me and doesnt want to be in the same house as me.
Also about badmouthing the bio parents, most of us stepparents are badmouthed by them to stepchildren who are told to disrespect us and not listen because we are not their parents, yet we stay with our partners. Over the years, i have been called and told multiple awful things by children who parrot their parent but because I am a step, I am told to ignore or endure. Well guess what? I ended up responding to the disrespectful child with a piece of my mind on his mother and it was well deserved
Bio single parents who are upset that we badmouth their exes but wont do a thing or lift a finger when we are constantly put down and bad mouthed by their trojan horses aka stepchildren
Why pay?
Why pay? Because it sets a precedent that he is the primary caregiver. If he has receipts that shows that she often takes off on vacation with her son, leaving the smaller two with him, obviously, she trust him with a smaller two, which should go along way towards ensuring he doesn't lose custody. If he can further prove that she flakes out on the little two often and he's usually in charge, he may even get primary custody. It sounds as if she is ready (and she thinks able) to kick him out probably planning on taking all three children and the house with her. Although that is an assumption on my part. If he doesn't think that he can find a way to peacefully resolve, I would do everything I could to protect my ability to parent the toddlers. And if that means setting up vacations and spending a little money right now, it's money well spent rather than lawyers to enforce custody later. Like I said. I would be talking to a lawyer, and finding out what his best strategy is. if everything is set up now that he's fine, then, no worries he can put his foot down firmly and refused to leave and tell her to take a hike to see her son elsewhere. But if he's not in a firm position, playing nice in order to set him up for a future Victory is not a bad idea .
Because you have two kids, I
Because you have two kids, I will not advise to separate and create another broken home with children who have a bunch of emotional and behavioral issues and who will be brainwashed by mother and older half brother to hate you and cut you off
You have to play the long game until your children are old enough and your bond is strong enough to not be alienated.
I would suggest to agree to his visits during your absence but she must inform you in advance and if its not convenient for you to leave then they have to reschedule at your convenience since you have to be the one leaving and finding accommodation.
I would also make it clear that your children will be leaving with you and would not be left unsupervised with the her hateful son.
If she cannot abide by these rules, just let her know that she can see her son outside of the home in a space that is not share with you and your children. This is your home too and there is no reason for someone living with his father full time to dictate when and how you can be at your home or not
I would also let her know that moving back in is out of the question but she is free to leave the children and go move in with her ex and her son.
Cut your losses and that no good child of hers
I have dealt with this in the past and if you dont tread lightly they will play you and abuse you and control your home
We are still in the process
We are still in the process of hashing out details. She is saying she would want our kids to stay sometimes because SS wants to see his brothers (and I am sure she wants to spend time with all three kids). However I made it clear that cannot be every time as I want to spend time with my kids too. I am hopeful this is temporary and with time they both cool down and are open to change but time will tell. Until/if then, I am at a loss
YIKES!
I highly encourage you to read my latest blog called "Your Kids Should Not Be The Most Important."
You will feel validated in everything you feel because you are not wrong here- SHE IS. Kids should NOT come before your spouse. It is unfair for her to treat you that way and this is why many single parents fail to find good partners because a partner should not have to sign up to play second fiddle their entire life from the one person that should always put them first.
SHE is the problem in this entire scenario. I'm not saying you guys can't work this out but this is unfair to you and not honoring your relationship and the vows you took if she is unwilling to change her stance on this.
I would be happy to read it
I would be happy to read it and even show her, however there is no scenario in which she would agree to that. She had a rough childhood and stuff with SS' dad went bad when he was young so she has the mindset of kids always come first
Her son doesn't live with you
Her son doesn't live with you, by choice, he lives with his father. When he does show up, he causes nothing but trouble and probably upsets the little ones. If your wife wants to see him, she can do that elsewhere but not in your home. It's her problem to solve and kicking you out for the weekend, from a home where you pay the bills is NOT the solution.
For all the years before my
For all the years before my wife and I had kids, so he was like ages 5-11, without missing a beat almost every week (it was every other week) he came over, it was some combination of I hate it here, I want to live with my dad, everything is better at his place, etc. Glorified how his dad had zero expectations, rules, accountability, etc. Since kids, it has died down a little, but more so just being aloof when he is here and in his room. My kids seem to really enjoy his company.
Your wife wants to break up your family and cause
A broken home situation with 2 toddlers to cater to teenage ss who in a few yrs will be an adult? That shows where her priorities are. She's failed at parenting and raising 1 kid well and now would like to do the same with remaining 2. The toxic cycle of dysfunction never ends.
i made it clear to my husband that although he was married to batshit crazy exwife and bred 3 kids with her, that toxic cycle of dysfunction ended with the divorce. None of their toxuc abusive crap entered our household and family unit. The moment it did, hubby was forced to address ss behaviour
it was a struggle, ss was 16.5 when i married his dad, 17.5 when our daughter was born and 19 when our son was born. Sd's were 23 & 13 when our kids were 2.5 & 1. The first 3 yrs were tough and alot of addressing issues during the 4th. My husband had no choice! I told him i would not expose our kids to this crap, abuse, bad behaviour of skids and their ultimatums that hubby choose them over me and our kids meaning they (especially sd's wante hubby to divorce me). My husband told his eldest daughter who was 24 at the time with a boyfriend of 5-6 yrs already from uni, that she would always be his daughter but i am his wife, his present and future and he is building a life/family with me and very happy with his life.
with all the crap i dealt with from his kids from exwife, his exwife trying to control me like a yoyo, never did i ever give an ultimatum pick me over them!! I just stated if they were incapable of behaving like civil respectful and pleasant human beings, then he needed to manage that relationship outside of our home.
ss changed slowly and made an effort. Our kids know he is their brother but looks different. I have explained they have the same dad but different mummy. They know his mum abandoned him over a decade ago. Sd's my kids do not recognise them as sisters. They chose to not be civil and play victim. We have not had any contact with them in over 5 yrs.
hubby told his eldest 3 kids that their own mum abandoned them for her new hubby (affair guy) and if hubby were gone tomorrow, their mums own family wants nothing to do with them or their stepdad and step siblings. So they are knowingly making themselves loners and alienated when i and our 2 kids are the closest family they have and they'd rather kill that relationship over petty vendettas just because we exist and hubby loves spending time with us more. Instead of looking at themselves in the mirror, thensd's chose to remain the same.
I think you should get into
I think you should get into counseling with your wife. It's not not normal for her to push you out of the home because her son threw a fit... her message to her son is that in your home.. he respects adults.. if he has a problem with something you said.. then it can be discussed.. respectfully.
What was it you said exactly that he thought somehow was aimed at him? and have you had other instances like the name calling a few years ago? where maybe he does feel you going after hiim?
Ideally, you can coexist in the home.. even if it means neither of you spend much time with each other.. that can happen without you moving out.
I would tell her that if that's what she wants.. she can move out and spend time with her son for t he weekend.. how does that strike her?
I'm wondering where the
I'm wondering where the toddlers will be when OP is vacating for SS?
The blow up happened upon a
The blow up happened upon a comment I made to my MIL in response to her snide remark of why we hire house cleaners, me stating that we can afford it I am assuming my SS took it as a slight against him, as he and his father live in a poorer condition. However, nothing was said about him, it was about responding to my MIL. I have made comments off and on throughout the years about his father, about things that were not how they should be, or are wrong, at times out of frustration that my SS didn't see the BS right in front of him and other times frustation that he isn't taking a path that would so clearly suit him better.
It sounds to me like your
It sounds to me like your wife wants to separate from you but still wants you around to help with bills and the little kids.
What makes you say that?
What makes you say that?
She is happy for you to be a
She is happy for you to be a part time presence in your home/relationship and she prioritizes her son over you without any room for compromise which to me shows someone who has no care about your thoughts, feelings and wellbeing. She has drawn a line in the sand and is willing to loose you over it. That suggests to me that she has mentally stepped out of your relationship on some level.
Of course I'm not in anyway qualified to make these judgements and only have your words here to go on so take my thoughts with whatever size grain of salt you feel is apppropriate. These are just my thoughts.
Oh hell not. Do not leave
Oh hell not. Do not leave your home. Tell your idiot wife to GTFO and go visit her shit failed family spawn somewhere else. Do not let her take your kids to visit that dickhead 17yo.
If you stay together? WTF is that. Take your young ones, move out of state, get emergency custody there, nail her ass for CS and get on with life.
She raised this POS. You do not want her raising your children and you do not want them exposed to her and her idiot failed family any more frequently than neccessary.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you, take care of your LOs.
Thanks for the feedback
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I posted a new blog with an update if any of you would like to provide insight. Thanks again