Lord of the rings cash grab
So, as you well know, Feral Forger SD24 is a MESS. How much of a mess, well, husband has a front row seat currently.
Shes now moved AGAIN (they sold the house) and needed rent money to the tune of $800. Husband when her first told me sometime ago, a week or something, said he told her firmly "no".
But of course thats just when the negotiations begin. She found the "sweet spot" at $400, and was busy shuttling her to the bank and back for the remainder because of course its now the 1st.
Afterwards, he came home looking depleted (money wise and emotion wise). He was really stressed out seeing her.
He said she smelled really bad. "like what?" Like BO. And she looked dirty and was wearing 'booty shorts" in the cold weather.
He told me he told her its just a loan, but we all know how that goes.
"Did she at least thank you?" Nope.
He just looked really beaten. I thought about all the advice given regards this kind of thing, the marital assets topics and the enabling to disable, and the "tough love burning platform" and the "well she should have been nicer!" and all of that.
We talked about her living in garbage and how shes always surrounded herself with trash. Each time hes helped her move there was a lot of cleanup involved.
Folks, he pities her, much like Frodo pitied Gollum/smeagol. In turn I pitied him...
- CLove's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Absolutely painful to watch
Absolutely painful to watch the train wreck - how frustrating CLove - the whole thing is terrible and I can NEVER wrap my head around why these DH's don't get IT. You are making it worse dolling out this cash...yet they do it because of guilt. It's maddening.
Im a slow burner type
Im just now remembering that we are holding off paying our mortgage because we have to wait until he gets paid and can deposit roughly that amount into our house account. Ill need to discuss this.
edited to add:
I read comments and pushed husband about house account being short. He immediately transferred more.
and I reminded about property tax coming up very soon.
Pity Fog
The pity fog is wearing off...turning into anger fog.
I need to release this here, probably...
This would make me IRATE.
This would make me IRATE. What the H*** is he thinking?
I'd tell him it's just like
I'd tell him it's just like the airplane spiel -- put on your mask before helping others (including your young child). It's pay your bills before paying other's.
Does he think FF will give him money if the house is about to be forclosed?
Ff
FF couldn't even say a thank you. Even when he moved her down from northern part of state 6 hours round trip.
Anger Fog replacing pity fog
And Im ready to go full Mount Doom on little miss victim poor me, now gimme.
How dare she not even say thank you. What a b!tch, I hate her right now. And If I say anything it will cause conflict.
"Yur not my dad, ur just the sperm donor, good for money and a hug once a year".
"Clove yu took my dad away from me, I hate you effing horrible monster!"
I seriously dont know what to do, except keep quiet until my anger subsides and I can be rational.
Don't misguide your anger.
Don't misguide your anger. Yes, FF asked for the money BUT your DuH was aware that it was needed for your mortgage so rain your wrath on HIM.
And it needs to be acid rain.
And it needs to be acid rain.
Look.. Clove.. you know full well he knew that the mortgage needed to be paid. He paid his daughter before he paid your joint obligation. Today is the first.. and all that BS of 'grace periods".. no.. most people have their mortgage due on the first.. THAT is whenyou pay it. (not when the "late fee will be assessed if payment is recieved after the 4th ).
I'm angry.. at him.. but also with you.. because you have not told him clearly that you expect him to not pay her.. before he pays for household obligations..
You give him enough rope.. you don't draw lines in the sand.. you get wrapped up in the emotional part about whether that girl is talking you down.. like who CARES ...???? I care if my husband is basically putting our finances on the line.. for whatever reason... beer with BB.. clothes for PS.. or money for FF.. none of that can come before his obligations.
I think your husband is a pretty crappy person to do this.. clearly he is immature and it's like you overfunction for him so much.. he is acting like a child.
ESMOD's comments are coming
ESMOD's comments are coming from a place of love and care. You DH's actions are coming from a place of no love, care or prioritization of you and your basic needs. I am totally pissed at him for you. This is the hill to die on.
I know it's harsh... but you
I know it's harsh... but you had to see the writing on the wall that he was going to come to some point of helping her.. it was pointed out on that blog.. and you admitted it I believe.. so you did "let" this happen.
I think that you sometimes just sit there and silently will people to do the right thing.. they rarely do and you are let down again and again. double secret unspoken tests rarely work out.. assuming he knew what you wanted when you weren't clear is what allows this to happen.. he had enough wiggle room to put you in a bad financial spot.
And.. with the issues at work.. while they may appear to be going your way.. clearly your job is not 100% an assurance.. even in the best of situations.. there could still be blowback on you.
I pressed
This afternoon I pressed him about getting $$& into house account for mortgage and immediately transferred the $ we needed to pay mortgage.
i added about prop tax in April that we include in our deposit amounts.
im definitely listening!
I love Lord of the Rings.
I love Lord of the Rings.
Anyway I think your DH needs to be told that while she is his daughter and he may "pity her", he has to understand that she has made her own bed of filth. He also has to be reminded FF has been very nasty to both of you and that while HE may want to shovel household money into that bottomless pit with only insults for thanks, YOU feel differently.
Can you be honest with him? Can you say she hasn't been nice to you. She hasn't done anything to straighten her life out. You help her today and she will just need more help tomorrow. Understandably therefore you have zero desire to spend hard earned money on her.
I cannot articulate
I can't say exactly this without guilty dad getting angry, misguided anger, sure...
im going to have to simmer on this.
I told you this would happen
If the answer to $800 was no, she found the number that produced a yes. I feel for you, Clove, I've been there.
Yep
Which is exactly why I posted about it.
I can't subsidize like you and your dh, I just can't.
even if I had the money to do it, I would not.
Thought process
I was further down the road than you are when I accepted the fact that SD62 would not be able to support herself on disability. I realized she would always be coming for money. And, she's his daughter and he'd never let her fall thru the cracks. I'd burned out on her living here. I had to realize we would be subsidizing her. It was a question of how much. I separated our finances. Then I proposed an amount to DH that we'd pay (not to her but directly to the payee). He was grateful and agreed that it would come from his income and further, nothing additional would be put on our charge.
If we hadn't done this, and if DH hadn't abided by our agreemen which means he has less, we would have had frequent emergency $ requests, she'd have been evicted from place after place and we'd all be living a more stressful life than we do now.
Not perfect but that was the thought process. You know what I always quote, "Mental health is an ongoing dedication to reality at all costs"
TBH i would probably rather
TBH i would probably rather pay a set amount of "gtfo money" every month than deal with the constant drama, lying, amd begging, too.
This is how your relationship
This is how your relationship survives by accepting reality and finding the compromise that works for you both. Very wise.
Clove this is so sad. These
Clove this is so sad. These SO don't understand the meaning of household money and how them constantly doing for their children comes into play. They train the kids to know they will always be there to hand out money even when the kids have no respect for them. Or maybe this is what you do for your biological children no matter what and I just don't understand.
I don’t agree
I do not agree with the no matter what.
i did add comment "well hopefully no more daddy bashing to your family or sperm donor comments"
I think you MUST divorce
I think you MUST divorce yourself from the need for gratitude from FF for what her father does. You are WAY TOO hooked on her lack of gratitude and her slamming her dad.
Let it go. This is who she is and it's her relationship with her father. You need to give up on people showing gratitude or being of good character.
She's not. She's not had good examples - she was not trained properly. It's the fault of BOTH of her parents. Your husband's behavior is PROOF that he's not parented her well. Yes, BM was a major influence, but your husband also failed.
FF's behavior is a reflection of her poor parenting. No one instilled good morals in her. She didn't receive good examples of strong character or the proper discipline.
LET IT GO. You're the only person in this scenario with your guts in knots.
What you can't control:
What you CAN control:
DH needs his hand after
DH needs his hand dipped in the lava after having Golum canibalize is fingers just to back up the lesson on treating Golum as anything but the POS Golum chooses to be. As tragic and hopeless as FF is, she is what she is because she chooses to be. DH "helping her" is anythign but helping. He needs to let her rot in her self created stench and freeze in her hot pants until she can sink no further and pulls her head out of her butt.
As painful as that is for him. His intervening repeatedly and facilitating more the same from her, is hurting you, and your marriage. Not to mention it continues to hurt FF and even PS by supporting the crap. FF won't change until he stops rescuing and she has zero choice. PS has seen this her entire life, and is going down the TT and FF example path.
FF needs to repeat the pain until it hurts so much that she stops. One way or the other. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I am sorry that once again DH has invited the Golum stench of FF back into your lives and burned another $400 in that wasted effort.
Weird ways
I suspect in a weird way I wish she would get worse and meaner, so it becomes ridiculous to help her anymore...
I get it. I believe that this
I get it. I believe that this is a highly likely forecast.
Though sad for DH and for you. As much as we, parents/Sparents, etc... fwish and hope or kids to be good people many of them are not. As much sw we hope that they learn and grow. They don't.
CLove, don't get mad or bi
CLove, don't get mad or bi!chy - this only grants your H room to play the victim. Remain cool, factual, an UNemotional.
The mortgage is due, you need X dollars from him. Don't even mention FF or the "loan". If he needs to sell a car, boat or some other toy, then suggest he get busy.
Over the years, this WILL happen occasionally as daddee guilt kicks in. So you need to be consistent in your stance, applying consequences dispassionately regardless of whatever the SD drama du jour may be.
If you show emotion, you've lost.
EXACTLY
This is exactly what I need to read, and do.
this "thing" happened and I need to not react emotionally or it will regress our relationship back to the not so good old days of arguing about feral forger.
So, I rant on here. And hope she treats him even more like crap.
I read comments, and pushed him about not having the money in house account to cover mortgage. He immediately transferred the money "owed" for his half.
for good measure I reminded about property taxes coming up just in case he wants to "forget" about the "loan" he made..,
I always think when my SO
I was like that too if the kids keep getting worse then he will see it but unfortunately in my situation my SO kisses their behinds even more.
Makes me sick
It just makes me want to leave.
I am trying to leave and it
I am trying to leave and it is harder then it should be. I have had all I can take.
always emember when you over
always remember when you over react to his glaring act it allows him to use your anger as a distraction. he can then get mad at you for being mad that he blew a large wad of cash on a waste of air. if you cooly reacty by letting him know he needs to figure a way to replace that $$ because there are bills to pay.... he is left with no way to play victim.
He said she smelled really
Its one thing to have offensive body odor or dress skimpy in cold weather....but to sashay around in shorts with ass falling out in front view of your dad (whilst begging him for money)... is on a whole nother level of wtf?!?
I don't know her and I could be totally wrong but if she didn't have the common decency to spruce herself up in front of her own dad then it could be possible that $800 went to support her liquor/drug habit (or some other addiction) or her pimp
Also if you wouldn't agree to $800 leaving the household in such a questionable way then imo he shouldn't have done that. She's an adult now and nether one of you are obligated to financially support her poor decisions.
We out out to eat with the
We out out to eat with the SKs (forced them to go for a birthday ) SO was mad because i barely talked. I couldn't even look at SD her breasts where hanging out of her shirt. I told SO this and he said he agreed but what could he do. Um tell her to put a different shirt on. Whatever the style is I don't care you are with your dad cover up!!!
told SO this and he said he
RIGHT! Like why are some parents so scared of these kids especially ones that don't pay any bills?
This really sounds like FF is
This really sounds like FF is on drugs.
I was wondering if this was
I was wondering if this was the case.
My sister was like this, too
Back before her health went all to pieces, my sister was fairly normal. She was very heavy but she had a job she liked and we'd occasiinally meet for lunch but months might go by without contact.
One day, she called and asked for a ride from work, car trouble. When she got in the car I was so surprised, she smelled and didnt look clean. That was the start of her mental health and prescription drug problems.
might be on drugs
and/or alcohol.
Who knows, and I dont really care at this point.
I can understand DH doesn’t want his DD living in the streets
Selling her body to live. But your DH is not financially in the white knight place. He taking money from you, your household, you are late on payments yo support a adult SD. The unfortunate fact is SD is never going to change. She will always be short of money for something. Then if you get GK. She will need more money.
'you two must get on the same page on SD. Are you financing her drug / drinking. Use ? DH must get a second job to get money for SD. Has to be skin off of him. Not you.
Right!
Right!
Im sure op would be more likely to agree when there is more than enough to spread around but if helping adult kids comes at the detriment of one's own well being then it's not a good idea at all.
even if
Even if I won the lottery and was a mult millionair-ess due to her continued abusive behavior towards myself, husband and powersulk, I would not give her one penny. I begrudge everything husband has done to help her, she has bad character and zero appreciation.
No matter how financially
No matter how financially flush someone is, even a $Billionaire, not one penny of good money can or at least should go to these types.
Not even for food, shelter, clothing. One penny of support in any form frees a penny for them to waste.
We learned this lesson when we paid the deposit on an apartment for my DW's Unicorn Cousin when she called crying about her DH being abusive and she and their two boys had to get an apartment. We paid the apartment complex directly due to past wasted help we provided with her that she promised to pay back. Not one cent did we ever get.
She backed out of the apartment before signing the lease and the complex refunded the deposit that we paid the complex ... to her. The next weekend she was at the beach with her HS BFFs for a girls weekend. That she had no money for, other than our money.
She would call crying, begging for money, or for DW to cosign loans, or sign for her school loans so she could get her Masters, ....nope, nope, and nope.
DW struggles with guilt since Unicorn Cuz passed from cancer a year+ ago. For any number of things that DW might could have done to help Uni Cuz. She gets over it pretty quickly. and knows that any money to Uni Cuz would have been detrimental and ... a waste.
Other examples are my SIL and BIL1's Bovine Bride. Any money they get... tattoos, piercings, pool league dues, some stupid purchase. Either just after or just before starting to cry and beg for help.
Same with Uni Cuz's niece. She has 3 all out of wedlock children by two baby daddies. Deifies her status as a mommy, demonizes men for any number or reasons. Does major contouring make up methods and photoshops pics on her dating profiles then cries and gnashes her teeth when she shows up 100#+ heavier IRL than in her profile pics and her swipe right dates do not call her again. She complains about being broke but at least has not targeted us for guilt money.
No support that frees up one Cent can ever go to these types. No matter how hard it is to let them go hungry, be cold in the winter, hot in the summer, wear reeking worn out clothes, etc.... Of course... they cannot be allowed in our home either.
A drop off at the homeless shelter is the extent of help.
IMHO of course.
Though it breaks even my very cold Grinch heart.
sold a car
husband sold 2 cars and was flush with cash. That was supposed to bring his credit card balances down, go into house account. So instead he gave $400 to a low character b!tch, tried to short the house account and pay down cc balances. I pushed him to put more into house account.
I think he understands Im p!ssed, because he now is offering to buy us Melissa Ethereidge Jewel concert tickets.
He tells me that he told her he wont be doing that again, no more money.
I hope he follows through. He is just teaching her she can treat us badly and we will roll over and take it.
She needs to move to the
She needs to move to the homeless camp and keep crashing and burning until she hits bottom and starts to figure out how to start her climb into viable adulthood, self accountability, and hopefully a journey to at least a better than scumbag level of character.
I sustepct that
I sustepct that husband gives her money, knowing that she will not pay it back, but that he wants to seem like a 'good dad' and hopes that maybe she will stop the Daddy Bashing and basically leave him alone for a while. Funny how owing money makes you more scarce.
Hold the phone. Your H was
Hold the phone. Your H was going to buy Melissa Etheridge tickets as your consolation prize after he gave some pay-down-the-credit-card money to FF? I'm amazed he's not a billionaire. *dash1*
yep.
$$ burns a hole in his pocket, but his credit scores are good, and hes paying down his cc debt too.
We shall see, if he follows through. Hes 10 steps forward 8 steps backwards as of this weekend.