Feeling Disturbed — But Am I Overreacting?
Lately, DH has been much better about holding SS13 accountable for things. Not that it works (BM is so permissive that it's an uphill battle). But at least he does something when SS lies, breaks a rule or falls behind in school.
Earlier this week, DH got an email from SS's English teacher telling him that there had been an incident in class. SS touched the leg of a girl in class and she smacked him in the face. Both were sent to the office. It turned out that that's not exactly what happened. Both kids told the principal a different story. The girl is a friend. He noticed her phone sitting on the edge of her chair and snatched it and she playfully smacked him. So, they were goofing off in class, but no inappropriate touching. Both got a stern talking to and that was it.
What bothers me is DH's reaction before we had the full story. He got all defensive and didn't seem to think it was that big a deal if SS touched a girl without her permission. I got kind of mad at him, telling him that's exactly the kind of behavior that needs to be stopped immediately if it happens. Doesn't matter if it's relatively innocuous or was done without fully understanding all the ramifications. You come down like a hammer -- it is never ok to touch another person without permission (or for them to touch you.)
Miracle of miracles, BM was actually on my side and said she was all set to put in a major punishment until it turned out to be nothing.
Anyway, DH's blasé attitude upset me. And there is a pattern. DH will get onto SS if he breaks a rule at home. But if he gets in trouble anywhere else, it's like he twists himself in knots to try to find a way SS is being unfairly treated -- either what he did wasn't something he should be punished for or the punishment was too strong.
Yesterday, SS got in trouble again in the same class (different teacher -- I think a sub). Apparently he got up without permission to throw something away and got five days of lunch detention. I agreed with DH that it seemed excessive, but pointed out there's likely more to the story. (Like maybe the whole class was being disruptive and he was the last straw -- or maybe he'd been warned and did it anyway.) Who knows. But DH's knee-jerk protective reaction to any time another person calls SS out on something (no matter whether it's justified or not) rankles. And his NBD to potential inappropriate touching really sets me off.
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Next time you and DH are
Next time you and DH are getting frisky shove something where most men don’t want something shoved, I guarantee you he will understand consent pretty quickly after that. Unless he likes that then I guess yank on his dingle dangle hard and he’ll get the picture about inappropriate touching without consent.
Ask your DH if he really believes that a person would risk their whole career to target one kid, his kid? I mean if his kid is so innocent in all of this then that teacher is taking a huge risk in their career to target just one kid. Also, if your DH really feels his SS is such a victim then he needs be going to the school and talking to SS13’s counselor and the VP and Principle about this teacher. Since I know your DH won’t do any of those things then next time just ask him when he’s going to start homeschooling his fragile bullied child.
He's definitely pulled the "I
He's definitely pulled the "I think the teacher is targeting my kid" card before, but not this time. The phone/nontouching incident was the regular teacher. The getting up without permission was a substitute the next day. Different people, but same class.
Anyway, he's cooled down now and has decided I'm likely right that there's probably more to the story than just "SS standing up to throw something away without permission." He says he's going to drop it and just let the detention stand without asking for more details. Says he doesn't want to be "that parent."
This is a long-time pattern with him and it even caused a blow up with my sister once. Maybe he's actually finally mellowing and becoming more reasonable? Doubt it, but it would be nice.
It's the BPs commandement
"...DH's knee-jerk protective reaction to any time another person calls SS out on something (no matter whether it's justified or not) rankles." Excessive protectiveness is the BP motto. I see it repeat itself in these posts and obviously at home.
My SS19 had a job a few months ago as a building front desk security. But in his mind, he could get there past the hour and there would be no consequences for tardiness. Two months later he was fired. I had warned that his tardiness to such a job was not going to go well. I was dismissed. SS got fired, and blamed his supervisor saying that the guy had a grudge against him and was unprofessional for firing him blah blah blah... My SO was all up in arms, saying what a terrible supervisor, that he gave no reason to be fired, yadda yadda yadda... I just said to SO, "your kid was late all the time, what do you expect in a job that has schedules and rotations?? People need to be there on time". Got a blank stare from SO and then finally the "yes you are right, it must have been because he was late most of the time to work" UGH!! What does it take for these BPs to take of their blindfold with their hatchlings??? But, then your hear them criticinzing other people's kids and the rest of the world and you think "wow, they do know right and wrong, they do know about discipline, respect and responsibility, but WHY it DOESN'T apply to the friggin' hatchlings????!!!"
YES IT RANKLES!!!!
Exactly!
Parents like this wear me out. A former coworker of mine once said he never acted up at school, sports or anywhere because his mom told him, "if someone tells me you misbehaved, I will believe them and whatever punishment you get there, you get double from us." That attitude no longer exists with most. I'm grateful my sisters are more old-school when it comes to their kids' behavior. They love them, but can also see clearly "yeah, I could see her doing something like that. We'll handle it."
How it should be!
How it should be!
I attended college just
I attended college just before and at the same time as my two older kids. A few times they tried to tell me that a professor was not being fair or was a jerk or made excuses for missing an assignment. Unfortunately for them, I knew they were full of crap and I explained to them that I know how the student interfaces worked AND I knew that the professors gave a details syllabus for every class so there was a strictly defined way to succeed in the course. They didn't like that I called BS on their BS. bahahahaha!!
It's a tired old stereotype
It's a tired old stereotype where i live. Some young adult or teen gets arrested for something heinous and there's always a parent or grandparent crying "He's a good boy! He never did anything to anyone!" Their denial may be why it got to that point.
But your DH thinking effects his DS
Your DH not understanding that people including his DS had to be at work on time is a major thing. The person who just work the shift before wanted to leave. First time DH heard DS was late he should of parent his son. Telling him the importance of being on time / early. But he didn't.
Rose Colored Glasses
Ahhhhh, the ol' Rose Colored Glasses that some parents seem to have sewed onto their face. "NOT MY KID!" *eyeroll*
I've had my fair share of this with my own SD 12.
What I've learned is sometimes you just cannot tell these parents anything about these kids and sometimes you just gotta step back and let the world burn down around them and let them face their own consequences.
It is so entirely cringy to watch, I totally sympathize with you. I have called my DH out on stuff like this before with SD12. Sometimes he agrees and retains it, some of the time he fights it a bit or tries to change the subject. Either way at the end of the day I just tell myself "His and SD's mom's mess- not mine."
It's hard to watch those we love in delusion or denial because if you're anything like me, it has made me question my DH's judgment from time to time.
I hope you can find some comfort and validation through some of my words. So sorry you have to deal with this frustration.
You've summed up the feeling
You've summed up the feeling perfectly!!
Rose Colored Glasses... let the world burn down around them... entirely cringy to watch...delusion or denial...question my DH's judgment...frustration.
My question to myself sometimes is ... why have I stayed in this, if I know no matter how old the SSs - the situation will morph but the glasses, the burn, the cringe, delusion, judgment and frustration will essentially be the same -
Thank you. You capture it
Thank you. You capture it exactly.
Part of my frustration is that I don't think SS is, fundamentally, a bad kid. I do think he has a good heart, is smart and has some talents. But the way he's being raised threatens to dim his potential. Much of the time, DH holds him accountable. But as soon as someone else calls SS out on something, DH lurches into defensive mode. BM is even worse. (Though, to be fair, she was ready to come down like a hammer when she thought he'd touched a girl without permission.) This does him no favors.
This kid legitimately believes he can and should do/have whatever he wants. If told no, he will cry or he'll just sneak and do it anyway.
I've told DH for years, it might no always be candy bars he's hiding. And the day is getting closer when there may be bigger worries. It would have been better to nip it in the bud when he was 6 and pulling this crap. One more school year and he'll be in high school.
Well same here, and I believe
Well same here, and I believe in most of our households - SKids are essentially good at least my 2 SS twins are but then again...
My case is similar - SS19 believes he can get away with anything or do how he pleases, my fear is what comes after the dumb kid stuff he pulls off without barely any consequences...