I need a sense of security. What should I do???????
I discovered this sight in the depths of my despair after signing a one-sided pre-nup 48 hours prior to our marriage almost 13 years ago. I fired the lawyer that allowed me to sign the heinous document, and unfortunately did not take the advice of the new (Very Expensive!) lawyer who advised me to move back to my rent-stabilized apartment until he changed the pre-nup.
So here we are - almost 13 years later. I am 76 and he is 74. We have a good life together and get along very well on a day-to-day basis. When we got married, I had a thriving business, my own savings, and an apartment that I could always afford. I was not against a pre-nup. I had planned on selling my business for a lot of money. I no longer have the apartment, my business collapsed as a result of Covid and other issues, and have been involved with an on-going lawsuit with my former business landlord which resulted in both business and personal bankruptcy. This nightmare is finally over after 7 years and I need to get my remaining finances in order. I have enough money to support myself comfortably in our marriage.
My husband is very financially secure and has one son. Our finances are completely separate. He has helped his son buy a house, shares a bank account with his son, contributes to his grandchildren's education, and has set up a trust for his grandchildren. On the other had, he refuses to give me a life-estate in the apartment that he owns. The only monies I will get from him (should he pre-decease me) are his social security and his pension. These are mandated by law. He was able to convert his 401K (legally) without my signature behind my back to a generation skipping trust.
I could not deal with these financial issues during my lawsuit and bankruptcies Now I can. I am very much afraid for my furture should he predecease me. There is now way (even with his pension -btw- I will only get 75% of his pension) that I can live the way we do now. His son will own the apartment and could decide to evict me.
Clearly my husband is more concerned about his adult son than he is about me. He has enough money to take care of all of us.
If I leave him, where do I go at my age? Also, I am not unhappy with him. I am just disgusted by his behavior and want to get him to do the right thing. We are presently both in good health.
Any ideas?
Here is to his predeceasing
Here is to his predeceasing you and you getting his SS and Pension. That... would be just. Considering his behaviors in all of this.
I would be having him pay for everything. Keep and preserve your resources in the event he predeceases you. With the recent publication of US life expetency by gender, he is approaching borrowed time. You, are not.
Take care of you and enjoy the good characteristics he may have.
I would be having him pay for
THIS.
Get ALL you can out of him now so you don't have to worry as much later. Use whatever money he gives you now to leverage into investments etc.
Change your will and leave everything to your dogs and charity.
Eff him! And not in the good way ... close up shop IF ya know what I mean.
Have you had open
Have you had open conversations with your husband about these things? Do you think talking them through with him and either a financial planner or a therapist who specializes in couples finances might help him to see things from your point of view?
We tried therapy
During the 1st year of our marriage we tried therapy and tried to revise the prenup. He was not open and honest during the process and eventually walked out when the therapist confronted him with his untruths. He is extremely generous toward his son, grandchildren, and to charity. Additionally, he won't share information about his finances with me. When we were dating and even living together, none of this was an issue because we both had our own money. My situation has changed and he has blinders on.
It has been a decade since
It has been a decade since that therapy.
It sounds like it would be worth a shot to revisit this. Tell him that you are afraid. That your resources and options are not the same as they were when you married him.
Lay out the reality for him.
1. If you pass, there is no guarantee that I will be able to live in our home.. even for a month after I have lost my husband. Is that truly what you want to happen if you are no longer here? You want me to become immediately homeless while grieving your loss?
2. You may not be aware but my financial situation is not the same as when we got married. I don't have the business.. and other financial resources. If we were not together... I would live a much more difficult life financially.. and if you pass first.. I stand to suffer a great reduction in my quality of life.
2. If you pass first, I do not have the resources to purchase a home anywhere near comparable to the one we share. What do you think my options will be?
If you have a good relationship.. having this conversation may still be tough.. but it is necessary.
Lay out for him that if he passes first, he is leaving you vulnerable.. and is that his outright intention? because if it is.. he is not the man and partner you thought.
If he goes on with the.. "oh.. buddy won't kick you right out.. haha".. you tell him that legally he CAN.. and without dad around.. he could.. that you would be more comforgable with some LEGAL standing to stay in the home.. at least for some time to be able to grieve and figure out what you will do.
Girl take a note from Anna
Girl take a note from Anna Nicole
Wear something enticing and put that tape recorder in your "rosebuds"
Those overgrown step kids will fight you in court. Keep ALL your evidence and verbal agreements
*consult with attorney bc I'm not a licensed lawyer
What is his reasoning for
What is his reasoning for refusing you a life-estate? Doesn't he care that his wife could be homeless?
He won't give me a "life
He won't give me a "life-estate" upon the advice of his lawyer - so he says. The reality is that he is preserving his son's riight to sell the apartment .
Ok.. that's fine.. he wants
Ok.. that's fine.. he wants to preserve that asset for his son's benefit.
What about a limited ability to stay in the home? Can I have 2 years.. 12 months?
What about setting asside an anuity/income stream so that I can afford to buy or rent a new residence after my time is up?
What do you imagine I will do.. if you pass and I'm in my 80's.. unable to work to generate enough income to find a home?
I agree with Rags. Hoard your
I agree with Rags. Hoard your money now, while he lives. If the apartment is his, pay nothing toward mortgage, taxes, utilities, cable, phone, etc. Buy only what food YOU eat. Tell him you are saving for the day you get evicted from your home. Rent and mortgages are expensive.
100% agree with this. You
100% agree with this. You shouldn't be paying anything towards something he and his son are benefiting from. Full stop.
Have you expressed (in detail
Have you expressed (in detail) your concerns to your husband? Have you explained YOUR finances in detail to him? Does he have you as POD/beneficiary on any bank accounts? If not, can you ask why? Can't you have a discussion about your financial well-being if he dies? Can't you all set something up so that his son only gets your property once both of you are gone? Does he have life insurance? You really need these answers! Does your H mistakenly believe that you will be a-ok if he dies? If so, he needs to be woken up.
This seems so irrational and
This seems so irrational and illogical. His son is well taken care of, and granting you a life-estate in the apartment does not take anything away from the son--just postpones his ownership.
It's really hard to combat an irrational position. I guess I'd start by getting him to explain the need to take care of his son before he takes care of his wife. It should be the other way around.
Would he listen to a financial advisor? An estate lawyer?
This would keep me up nights and erode the good parts of the marriage.
pre-nup Can be change
If both peope agree to it. Your SO doesn't want to change it ? Then I would proceed with my life knowing my SO doesn't have my back. By getting a bank account in my name only. And start putting money in it, trying to get things put in my name only. You must start preparing for the future. Spend a few $100 and see a lawer , your own lawer. And set things up.
... and start syphoning off
... and start syphoning off resources from any accounts you have access to or anything you can sell that he provides.
Went back and read ALL your posts
Your posts go back to 2019. You are in a better stronger place now.
Can you get your own team together. now? A fabulous lawyer to start.
I presented some ideas, but dont know that you have implemented any of our suggestions thus far. What specifically are you looking for?
For example, what is the answer to our questions of Does your husband know your financial position? What is his logic for not taking care of you in the way he is taking care of his "bloodline"? What is his logic for not giving you the apartment for the duration of your life? Where are the explanations for whatever it is he is not doing for you?
Ask him sweetly to buy you an apartment or household that is in your name only, if the one you are residing in MUST go straight to his son on his demise. If he sais "no", ask him sweetly to put cash in your private separate account equal to x amount that he gifts son. Do the big asks. And if he sais "my lawyer told me not to, tell him what you told us - that you are afraid of the future, and need that security.
It seems that he knows he holds ALL the power and you hold NONE of the power, so use some of your honey to sweeten the pot when you do your asks.
You have some of the power, he just doesnt want you to know it and be able to use it. He sais he loves you, so you need to ask him to prove it. Dont let his mood influence your asks. Stay strong.
Ive started watching "succession" and the younger current wife of the scion of a multinational media company is responsible for curating the household, maintaining the household, organizing the household, and he does whatever he wants to. When the series first begins hes not in the best of health, so she guids him away from a spot where he got lost and peees. She sits by his bedside when he has a brain anurism the ever faithful dog. She provides his care, and feeding and manages the care staff.
Is that you? Do you manage the household, and organise things? Do you have the role of caretaker and caregiver in the event of illness and infirmary? If yes, then you need to also have the financial backing.
I also just went back and
I also just went back and read some of your previous posts. It seems unlikely that your husband will change his mind about any inheritance so you're going to have to make your own plans.
A good financial planner will be able to help you work out how to arrange your finances and life so that you can live independently of your husband. He could drop dead tomorrow or in 20 years time so your plan may have to have multiple different senarios from worse case (tomorrow) to best case (20 years gives you time to grow any savings/investments).
As your worse case senario involves you needing to be independently living tomorrow it (or a modified version of it) is also your plan if you choose to end your relationship.
Once you know your options then you can choose if you want to stay in the relationship or not.
I also went back and read
I also went back and read your previous posts from the past several years.
Your husband is not going to change, that much is obvious.
You can choose to stay with him under the status quo, and if he dies before you, hope for the best ie that his son lets you stay in the apartment for a length of time till you find alternative accommodation. But judging from your description of the son and his wife, they'll probably kick you out ASAP.
The other option is to move out now, while you're in good health, and live the rest of your life in peace and security. You said you have a supportive sister and other family - could you live with them? Or do you have enough to buy a small place of your own? It might not be what you're used to living in currently - but personally I'd rather have a more modest home that I could completely call my own and know that I'd be safe and secure there for the rest of my life.
Your husband is not a very nice man IMO.