Last talk I will have about mini wife. It’s too weird!!!
UPDATE: So he thought about it for a few days when he was out of town. He said he sees that she needs to be more independent (but said nothing about what he needs or he's doing) He said he will try to put distance, but I've heard this before. Also, he had an attitude when we spoke about it and seems very begrudgen to do it. He did not go into details or apologize for the pain he's put me through with it until I asked him to. He also said he doesn't understand why I'm in a rush to get this done when she's about to go to college in a few months and the situation will "resolve itself". My response is this is no rush, this should've been corrected 6 years ago. Based on his response, I do not think he wants to change it. He sounded very resentful towards me when we spoke.
So, I had the last discussion I will ever have to hubby about my now 18 year old high school graduate step mini wife. I just can't do it anymore....it's too weird!! I've been trying to get him to understand for 6 years now. He told me it would get better when she was older, it got worse. We were supposed to have a big talk about it today, but she came home. And spent the next 2 and a half hours by his side. When she left finally left (because she has to go to work, or she would still be by his side), I asked why he couldn't have told her we had something to discuss and needed private time he actually said, "We couldn't do that, she's too noisy."
ummm. Hellooo. And you can't see the problem?
He is out of town for work, we're on the phone, and he says he left his charger. Then he tells me to tell my stepdaughter to grab it for him because she knows where it is on his nightstand....ummm helloooo, another red flag. I told him I don't need her rummaging through our bedroom and I will get it for him.
Then he tells me to ask her to charge the ring doorbell for me because she knows how to do it. I said, " no! Tell me how to do it. I'm the one who lives here. "
I now know that he sees it...he just doesn't care. And that's really messed up. He's gone for 4 days, and I told him to really think about things, but I don't think it matters. It's verging on the edge of sick to me. I can't handle it anymore.
They will be taking their daddy, daughter alone trip this summer because she's "going off to college"... one hour away. Seriously, she's going to be 42 miles away. That's it.
My daughter is going 1300 miles away. This whole thing is such a joke. I feel like my whole marriage is a joke. This was my last ditch effort to reach out to him. I was never able to become his partner by his side because she was already standing there. And the really messed up part is I think he prefers it that way. I think I'm done. I know this sounds awful but I'm hoping she finds a boyfriend immediately and starts to ignore him. He deserves it, then maybe he will see how I have felt all these years. I could use words of encouragement or just advice.
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Comments
Honestly, I don't think you
Honestly, I don't think you can rely on her finding a boyfriend as the solution to this issue. You are worth more than being made second priority in his life, behind the mini-wife. If I were you I'd start getting your ducks in a row, and start planning out your life without him and his limpet daughter.
Agreed. These DisneyDads will
Agreed. These DisneyDads will not change if there is no fire under their ass nor motivation to do so.
The sad truth is a boyfriend
The sad truth is a boyfriend won't change anything. There are grown ass married women whose husbands don't mind that they are up their daddy's butt constantly.
Typing this as sitting in a
Typing this as sitting in a cafe whilst this song is playing ironically: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hybj2Gfk6G8
So as the lyrics of the song goes: If he's not going to love you the way he should then let him go.
I know it's painful to let your partner go, however actions speak louder than words and he's made it quite clear that he will always prioritise his adult daughters' wants over your needs.
Aside from how you see his
Aside from how you see his relationship with his daughter.. how is the balance of your relationship with him? Is it only when it comes to things about her that you see problems? or does he treat you dismissively otherwise? Does he show you love.. affection.. do you feel important. i know in the past you did not feel he was over his ex.. so I don't know that what you are dealing with is 100% related to his daughter.. or whether she just has become a focal point because you are insecure in your relationship with him.
Because some of what you are seeing isn't terribly bad.
I can see how he would not want to have a potentially emotional conversation that could involve conflicting ideas that centered AROUND his daughter while she was in the home. Kids don't need to hear their parent arguing about them.. it was no longer the time since she was there. (the fact that you don't have an idea of her schedule is a different issue)
I am confused why he is out of town and she has to go get his charger.. was she going to be seeing him before you? Was she driving to take it to him.. that's just odd...
I am ok with her charging the ring doorbell... (it's easy.. just need to unscrew with special tool and charge with the proper cord).. but if this is a task that she knows how to do.. it's not like he asked her to do your family taxes.. this is not a big deal... if he was out of town.. and it needed doing.. and she already knew how.. maybe easier than trying to talk you through it on the phone.. sometimes it's just a matter of being simple.. no reading into anything needed.
You also are super resentful of them taking a trip... you are also taking a trip.. with your daughter.. to her school...spending several days away and don't want your SO to come. So... a 4 day trip before she goes off to school.. even if it isn't as far as your daughter.. I don't see a reason to be so overly resentful.. certainly there will be more trips for you in the future to see your daughter too. Does he never take trips with you? Is that why you resent it? It's not like they are heading to Europe for 2 weeks without you.. it's a quick trip.. probably somewhat equitable to the trip you will be taking with your daughter.. The trip in itself should not be such a monumental issue... as you are taking a similar jaunt.
Again, just because you missed the chance to have that talk.. because her being there was not a good time to do it.. doesn't mean that he is not your husband.. or prioritizing her.. I mean.. set up a marriage counseling appt.. and if he ditches that to go to the mall with her.. THAT is not making your relationship a priority.. but I can see how the conversation got delayed.. I know you were disappointed to not have it THEN.. but you have to understand how it would not have been a great time.. what if talk got heated.. she heard her name.. that would not be right.
So the charger thing…they are going
To help SS move into his new apartment. I didn't want to go because the ex-wife will be there too along with one of her relatives and he barely has any furniture to move. So I really didn't want to have to be around the ex so stepdaughter is meeting him up there, but she is riding with her mom. But it was weird because I was home and went to grab the charger for him while he was on the phone, and he told me to just wait until she got home and she would go in our bedroom and grab the charger for him. I don't understand that, I find it very weird
I was annoyed about the conversation because he had already put me off talking about it two days in a row. I feel like if he really wanted to, we could've taken a ride somewhere and gone and talk about it in private. But, she wants to be around him the whole time anytime she's here, and he never wants to tell her that we have something to do.
as far as the doorbell is concerned, I found it strange because I had the screwdriver in my hand ready for him to tell me how to do it and he again told me to just wait for her to come home and she would do it. It bothers me because I feel like I'm being put in the role of being the child and she's being put in the role of being the woman of the house.
The trip bothers me because she specifically requested that I not go. My daughter did not request that he not go take her to college. I am the one who told him I did not want him to come because he was making negative comments about how much money it was going to take to move her so far away, and I did not want him to ruin the trip. also, I have no idea where they are going or for how long because he has not told me, probably on purpose.
So you tell them both that you and your DH have something to do.
Then grab him by the proverbial short and curlies and drag him off to have the discussion in provate. If he refuses, then have it right in front of her. Bare both of their emotionally if not physically incestuous asses.
In any miniwife/minispouse sitaution, there is incest Either emotionally, physically, or both.
Im gathering
Im gathering that there is more to this than what youve described, and the miniwife dynamics are there, I recall your last post I suggested that you research more on it.
He knows and she knows, but nothing will change because this works for them. You can describe with graphics and animated slides and handouts, but nothing is going to "make him see". Its not seeing that is the problem, its the FACT that he doesnt want things to change.
My suggestion to you now is to take this trip with daughter and really think about this relationship. Sure, when shes no longer in the house daily, when shes caught up with college life, his focus will change, but it sounds like you are already done. Or close to it. Things have not gotten better. They are not going to change their behavior. Is this what you want for your future?
This sounds like such a
This sounds like such a frustrating situation to be in, having to "compete" with a younger mini-wife. I don't know what I would do in your case but I hope you can take the extra time to focus on yourself and your interests, pamper yourself, engage in your hobbies, spend time with people who genuinely care about you etc.
Giving you a virtual hug ♥︎
I've been trying to get him
Good luck trying to teach old dogs new tricks....
I agree. The Disneyland Dad I used to live with did this same ish! Would let his kids rummage through our bedroom....so I started leaving tampon boxes, period panties, adult toys all out in the open so he'd get a clue how inappropriate that was. If i didn't give permission for them to be in my personal space then they shouldn't be in there.
Why does he keep enlisting you as the messenger knowing you're not okay with his tasks?
If I were you (well honestly I'm such an introvert that I'd be glad my spouse and his spawn would be out of my hair for a full weekend but ... ) if I did feel how you felt I'd just have a conversation (multiple conversations in case he wants to act obtuse) and inform him that as his spouse I will be attending the trip as well. If he disagrees then he will be sleeping on a cot in the basement for the next 3 days upon return.
Id even say go out on a limb and invite him to the trip with you and your daughter so that way he has zero excuse to rebuttal your point about him not inviting you to his daughters college send off.
Just because hers is only 45 min away doesn't mean she won't want the same send off as a long distance send off
Exactly, why ask me to play messenger for these
Wifey type tasks he wants her to do? Especially when we just had a conversation about how the rules in this house are out of order. I realize that he doesn't want things to change, but that's the part. I don't understand. If you know that your spouse is hurting and feels uncomfortable on a regular basis, why would you not want to change? And he admits that she is up his butt. So he knows. I guess he's just not capable of real empathy
Above
As I mentioned above - this works for HIM. This works for HER. Until it doesnt because shes not around him, and then what? Hes going to turn his focus on you again?
Theres that whole meme "be the main star of the movie of your life". This is something I need to work on.
I don’t think I’m going to feel happy
Knowing that he's only focusing on me because she's not there. I feel it will always be in the back of my mind that I was a "second choice" for his companion.
A therapist told my DH many
A therapist told my DH many years ago that his kids would grow up, develop independent lives of their own and likely not have a whole lot of time for him; if they and their mother were successful in destroying our marriage (and, assuming any and all future relationships), where would that leave him? ALONE.
You know in your gut where you are and how you feel. Are you interested in considering counseling with your husband or have you already done that? How do you see your lives when SD goes to school? Will absence make their hearts grow fonder (hurl) or could they grow more independent of one another?
* I posted in here a while back about my oldest sister being a mini-wife. She was the mini-wife after she married, had children, and up until our father's death, when she lost that role.
We have seen a counselor, but only touched on it.
Your sister's story scares me. And I've tried to tell him exactly what the therapist said, kids are meant to grow up and leave. I really don't know how I see it. We are both so distant from each other now, idk if it can be repaired.
Ugh, it sounds like your H
Ugh, it sounds like your H and his daughter are very much in an emotionally (if not more) incestuous relationship.
He doesn't want things to change because he's enjoying this whole scenario. He and his princess excitedly planning their holiday while deliberately excluding you and providing you with zero information about the whole thing.
And as for the charger and doorbell thing - yeah that would piss me off too. He is making you feel like a dumb second class citizen in your own home.....quite apart from the fact that your bedroom is your sanctuary and nobody else should be fossicking through it. It's almost like he WANTS his mini wife to go in there. Gross.
You have said your marriage is on the rocks. Time to start making plans...