Opinions
Noticed alot of discussion around struggling with any meddling relatives or anyone's assumptions about what the role of SM is "supposed to be." Especially to those who have chosen the disengagment route.
Do you ( still) struggle with worrying about how you are perceived by anyone on DH's side over your decision? or OVer your feelings about your stepspawns?
Does anyone sometimes feel some anxiety , say in my case, in spending a lot of excessive time with my MIL, fearing that it will turn into an opportunity to feel pressure to engage and bond with the SD and her minions? Granted, she doesnt outwardly pressure me, but I know that it would make her thrilled if SD and I become "close" ( even though I am no longer interested in going back there and I dont want to keep feeling like I shoud be so guilty for letting MIL or anyone down ) so that signals to me that the expectation has to still be there. Like some sliver of hope is still being clinged onto.
Does anyone else, like me, feel that this is the primary reason why I have found it difficult at times to be a part of and blend with this familY? Dont get me wrong. I get alone fine with DH's side, just not when it comes to SD. That is the common demoninator for sure.
The reason why I bring this up is that while reading other blogs and comments about withstanding others opinions, namely the In Laws.. jogged up a memory that still resonates with me today. Its also serving as a reminder to take these opinions with a grain of salt. if that. It still irks me, which is a feeling I need to keep filed away whenever I even feel like Im slipping even a tiny built into that old guilt and shame spiral surrounding my disengagement.
I remember the night my MIL announced to me that SD ( 16 at the time, had stopped going to school before then,etc) had deliberately gotten herself pregnant. MIL straight up told me that her and FIL didnt really want to tell anyone the news just because "she didnt want to deal with anyone's opinions" about the matter. What was that even supposed to mean? That will never make much sense to me. Surely, she understood that this is a situation that is impossible to keep secret forever. Nor is it reasonable to kid yourself in thinking that no one else was ever going to find out or have their thoughts about it.
It was at that moment that this clicked with me; Think about it. Why should I twist myself in knots worrying about any opinions my MIL has about my relationship with SD, when there was a time when she wasnt so receptive to accepting my own views and feelings as if I werent allowed to have them ( unless they was favorable of course) . Right then and there, I decided that MIL's opinions about how invested I am ( or not( in my role as a SM shouldnt carry so much weight and arent relevent to me anymore. I still stand on that today. Sorry, but that shit can work both ways. If You dont want hear my opinion about it, then I no longer am interested in dealing with hers either.
Why should I stress worrying about what she or anyone else might think? This is huge for me since I used to be a major people pleaser. Just worrying about what his family might think because I wasnt running around doing this and than, and XYZ for SD and her kids or not doing whatever else I should be. Just putting MY feelings on the backburner to try to prove I deserved to be in their good graces. I just dont have the bandwith for that anymore, so I am fine with continuing to disappoint. They can take their opinions and shove it where the sun dont shine.
Speaking of which, I am Just applying the old saying about how Opinions are lik Assholes. Everyone has one but then doesnt mean I want to see or hear it.
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ADD ON::::Another thought
My MIL;s comment also still annoys me since it gives me the impression like Everything whereas SD is concerned is expected to be be swept under the rug. Its like everyone is expected to keep Pretending and putting on a facade forever as if everything is just fine and dandy > when its not.
I am just done with Sweeping shit under said rug, with Sugar Coating so that these people can feel good, even if it means putting me in awkward situations.. Its almost as if they would prefer I pretend and fake it with SD, rather than just being honest.,for their comfort. Nevermind mine.
Its time I just let these folks be the ones who are Uncomfortable ( and disappointed) for a change.
Yes!
Of course they want you to pretend! They can then maintain their 'untarnished' view of 'family'! I remember when my therapist suggested I was family, but not 'in family' meaning I'm on the fringe...meaning they tolerate me. I realized I would never be 'in family'. I also realized it didn't matter...I don't respect them. If being accepted 'in family' meant compromising my values for their distorted sense of reality, then it was a hard pass for me. I am baffled by their acceptance of nonsense from OSD, along with their willingness to pretend her abusive behavior towards me (and her father...their 'real' family) is my fault. They have shown me who they are, and I believe them! What I'm working on now is not letting it bother me, I want to 100% 'unbothered'. How to get there is at the top of my list for my upcoming session.
Being 100% unbothered is a
Being 100% unbothered is a goal I hope to attain too and I am trying. I like to say that I feel I have made some progress but have been working that out in therapy sessions myself as of late. I dont know how realistic it is.
I say this because its really difficult as Stepparents who come into such a failed, dysfunctional family dynamic with the Stepskids as outsiders. Especially when we were not raised in this way or knew that kind of chaos and drama that the Skids seem to thrive on, so this is beyond my scope of experience as well as my tolerance. . So have been ill preppared to deal with all of this . I hate to even think about how my parents or grandparents would react if I ever even Thought of pulling even a quarter of the shit that my SD has more or less gotten away with. They would be livid, which is putting things mildly. Its is just astrounding and appalling to me.
Ostrich Mode is strong is
Ostrich Mode is strong is this clan too. I Can picture them actually acting like ostiches in the wild and its giving me a laugh, Hey they say if you can find a little bit of humor in effed uo situations, then you win. You nailed that for sure. They just cant help themselves with these low life skids so there seems to be no point in trying to change that. Its just a losing battle for me that I Have no chance of winning. I have said what was on my mind, laid out the facts for my part and thats all i can do.
Thats why I have been focusing on more of what I can control, which is to choose to stay out of all this as much as i can.
Thats why I have been heavy on the whole staying to myself thing as much as I can get away with it when it comes to this. DH or some of his clan can make of that whatever they want. They can defend SD's nonsense life choices ( which is fucking sick and I said that outright, no punches pulled) and be all buddy buddy with her over everything, etc. Fine, as long as they know that one day the people that SD has been relying on and using as her "rocks" and "support system" ( her supplies so to speak) wont always be around and that is sure as shit not going to fall to me. She should enjoy getting coddled while it lasts. .the clock is ticking. since time is going to run out for her in that regard.
Everything you said is spot
Everything you said is spot on.
It is so hard because we generally want to be liked and accepted by our husband's family but often they have no idea what it's like to be in our position. It's so easy for them to sit on the sidelines and throw in their two cents and opinions without having to deal with the stepkids affecting THEIR lives 24/7.
Your MIL didn't want to deal with the opinions of others re.SD's pregnancy at 16 because they would probably sound a lot like my opinion..... "well sorry but it was dumb and irresponsible thing to for SD to do. At that age you can't take care of yourself let alone a baby. Obviously she is going to be relying on other people for help raising her baby and frankly that would annoy the heck out of me. I would refuse to lift a finger. If you're old enough to have fun in bed you're old enough to figure out how to deal with the consequences yourself."
I don't bring things up but if someone asks me directly, I wouldn't sugar coat it either. You can say your peace in a tactful way and that is what I'd do. Yea I sort of worry about what the relatives think but it's not going to make me chance my ways to suit them. I'm not close at all with LI and I never will be. We have a basic level of respectfulness that I would have towards anyone else but we are not close. Not at all. I keep my distance and that's it. If anyone cares to ask why, I would tell them (in a tactful, emotionless way)
Remember the relatives don't pay your bills. You don't owe them anything except reciprocal civility. You don't have to pretend to fawn all over SD or pretend she walks on water. If MIL made the comment about the pregnancy opinions I probably would have said "While I can understand your reluctance to deal with the negative opinions of others, I do think concern is a reasonable response to this situation given how young she is and the lack of financial stability, maturity, and resources needed to raise a child effectively in these modern times".
Forced Emancipation...wish I
Forced Emancipation...wish I had thought of that back then, Maybe it popped into my mind as I was stressed and thought Id have a mental/ emotional breakdown ( not that I hadnt come close.. that woudnt have been the first time dealing with SD drove me to a not so good place like that. I worried excessively ( even though the Sperm Donor was supposed to get hit with Child Support and all that), about the sgrandskids and all those responsibilites still being dumped on the DH and me instead since BD was in and out of jail for god knows what. Honestly, once in a while I still worry that this is a possibility if something happens to SD or the BD's mamma and MY DH;s equally trashing BM, whom SD has been using as babysitters. Not that I wish that on anyone, but it if it does, I am praying that the Gskids will be past being minors.
I dont need this now any more than I did when the shitshow of mess first started. Not to spew a sobby " Woe is me" story myself, but truth is that this pregnancy annoucnment literally came up on the heels ( a day or so) after I learned my best friend who is like my sister from another mother had cancer. I was already devasated and a wreck just over that.as I barely enough time to start processing that news. ( Good news, it was caught early enough and she is still cancer free today). Talk about being kicked when you are already down which I think these asshole Skids are good for. It woudnt shock me if I learned t hat they have this Sixth Sense or Radar type of thing . As if SD just somehow know either when youre already having a difficult time, or when things are going well for you, they have to bring more BS your way to make things worse like the human version of black clouds they are. I cant help but notice these patterns have played out on other occasions too, so I have to suspect that they in some way, know exactly what they are doing.
Honestly, for all my worry about DH;s relatives, I have to also remember that not all of them have on those stupid ass Rose Colored Glasses on all the time about SD. I knoew DH's aunt and uncle and cousin didnt seem too impressed with her, w hich they expressed in not so many words but you got the idea. They were just tolerating her to be polite just like I have been by that point. DH's cousin actually said ( not to DH or MIL Of course...the horror!!!!!!!!!) that SD's decision to get preggo on purpose was done out of being Vindictive and selfish. I totally agree to this day. Not going to dispute that, since I had thought so too.
@Rags. I meant to say refer
@Rags. I meant to say refer to one of my comments left on 10/18. They might be out of order. But to sum it up, this first pregnancy situation was some time ago, 13 years when this mess first started. Not that it really matters, since SD made sure that history repeated itself in her world, with more "mistakes" along the way outside of thoughtless procreation choices. Same shit, different year, different day or whatever. Well the ones that I actually know of . The end result is still the same : She hasnt learned much of anything and still struggling with her life while two kids now have been dragged into it with her. Who the 2 minor daughters will turn out ( especially as they are approaching the tween and soon enough, the Teen Years. . I suppose time will tell and that will all come out in the wash in the end.
All I know is that I still stand on not getting invovled, still firm on just letting her kids' upbringing and the results be on SD;s head, no matter how she ( or anyone else, dont care who) tries to turn up the heat on ME instead, which she can be counted on for.
You are also very spot on in
@AlmostGone834 . You are also very spot on in that I think MIL didnt want to deal with anyones views ( especially mine) because I was too fed up to worry about saving face by telling her and DH, etc whatever they wanted to hear. Plus, I am sure they were embarrassed, since at the same time, they werent exactly all exhalted like this news was the greatest thing to ever happen. So, it baffled me why anyone would ever think that I was willing to play pretend like this was something that was no big deal . one can keep their heads in the sand about this scenario for only so long . The truth was going to come out whether anyone liked it or not
Also note: that I am going to keep your feedback in mind by asking deadpan to anyone who wants to chime in on what THEY think i should do because thats what THEY would do( and all that noise) : Going to try it out now: " I see you have an opinion on how I should be living MY Life. So which one of my bills will you paying this month?" See if that shuts people ( especially SD) up, or else will be stunned in stupidified silence as she might struggle to understand what that even means. Im sure it will sail right over her head.
And I assure you that there was no way I was lifting a finger. I dont even give an Inch, not that it had ever stopped SD from trying to convince me to do so anyway. . Nope, thats too bad, Tough Shit! She very well could and should have thought of all that before she decided to sleep around with Baby Daddy ( unless there were others), now she has to lie in the bed she made those decisions in. She wanted to be "grown" so bad and said so herself ( her words with that little smirk that id love to wipe off of her) that she was going to rebel by making all the wrong choices.. Just do whatever the hell she wanted to do with no regard for the consequences and no plan as to how to figure things out. . Welp she sure followed through on that and still going strong over a decade later. Still expecting it to be someone elses problem to solve.
You can also bet your last dollar that I have been through with Pretending. I think some of these people who think they can decide our roles as SM's just dont fully realize how exhausting and draining it is to have to pretend to give preferental treatment and worship someone that I just dont like as a person, even if she werent my SD. I have biological relatives (namely a cousin who is about SD;s age who shares uncanny similiaries with her so I dont respect him either. . What is up with that generation, by the way.??) If I won't entertain this same exact crap from someone I am related to by Blood, then what gives these Skids the notion that I am going to treat them any different? They just think they are "Special"..if thats what you want to call it.
I just cant do it anymore and have made it known. Just had enough and let the cat out of the bag about how unwilling i am to play make believe with SD.. Maybe that wasnt the best way to handle it maturity wise myself, but thats how Burned out I have become. There is no denying it anymore, the gig is up.
Noticed alot of discussion
most clueless judgmental people assume you're supposed to have a skid on your hip 24/7
I literally will tell these people ... if you're so concerned about the skids you're more than welcome to come pick them up
you'll usually be met with complete silence because they judge you for something knowing good and d*mn well they wouldnt do themselves
I Must be healing more than I
I Must be healing more than I think, since Im not pulling any punches anymore. So I have no issue saying that right out that I would be more than happy to let someone else be at SD's and the Skidmarks Version 2.0 beck and call if they are really that worried about their well being and want to coddle. They know they are free to do so, yet if they choose not to ( and this goes for DH who can go visit them in THEIR home or do things if he wants. I am not policing him. ), then thats on them.
I dont have it in me to feel
I dont have it in me to feel falsely guilty any more. I am tapped out.
To be fair, I have always gotten along with my In Laws and have a good relationship on it own believe it or not. ( God Bless my FIL who has sadly passed
about a few years ago) outside of SD being involved. Same with DH. Its strange that they are really good people in all other ways, but they just tend to be idiots with that damn "hope springs eternal" point of view ( sorry FIL..dont mean no disrespect and ,bless your soul) when it comes to SD and the Minions when they turn a blind eye and wonder why I dont want to do the same. Family or Not. No more. Its as though they have this mindset that you have to roll over and tolerate toxic shit from someone ( SD as in THE GOLDEN UTERUS, 2.0 taking over for the BM who was bestowed with that "honor") just becaus they are family. I am at the point where I dont give a f&#! who shares DNA with whom anymore. No longer an excuse. Thats where the only disagreement and issue arises amongst us, since I dont want to participate in enabling SD. They can fall over themselves for the SKIDS all they like, just knock it off with that shit when it comes to me , unless something stands to effect me personally. Thats all.
Thanks everyone. I realize
Thanks everyone. I realize that I meant to clarify hat this mindless comment and conversation occured not recently, but 13 years ago. I need to let things go, I know,. But its a matter of remembering it to keep myself in check and not let some things slide like I used to anymore in order to "keep the peace" I had told MIL outright then that I wanted nothing to do with taking on responsibility for SD in that matter. No way in hell was that going to become my problem. Anyone can take that information and interpret as they will.
I dont care what they STILL believe otherwise to the present day. I am not getting shit from MIL Or DH ( well not to my face at least) ) , but my SD has definitely decided to take charge in ramping up the pressures and the bullshit expectations, which is the primary issue now. I guess after 13 years, maybe she is finally getting a long overdue reality check and suddenly wants the SM to "be there for her" and love her kids like her own,,just selling them to me more or less..now that its all been catching up to her.. Well..thats just too bad, since I am still not making it my problem no matter how much she tries to pulll at the heartstings to get what she wants.
I suppose the timeline doesnt really matter, because sure enough fast forward, SD29 pushing 30 still hasnt improved her life for the better.so the Outcome still added up to be the same in the end. Clearly protecting her from her own unwise decisions and being her savior didnt do her or anyone any favors. Trying to rescue her would be a waste of time and made me stick to my guns that much more. As I predicted, she didnt learn one Goddamn, f#Cking thing out of it. She Just repeated the same idiot choices with same idiot jailbird of a Baby Daddy , popping out another child a few years later, ( living off of any government handouts she can get her nasty little hands on) not to mention miscarrriages ( and a termination...TRIGGER warning. Not meaning to bother anyone with such a sensitive topic which i know it is for some) Not everyone has the same lofty indifferent attitude towards that. She described her umm procedure as casually to me as if she were saying she got t he mail or did laundry etc or talking about the weather ( insert any normal daily topic or task here) . In front of Daddyyy no less..that is just not normal to me. Who does that? If It were me, I would never bring that up with no tact as if it were everyday small talk to my parents since I know it would upset them. I know it bothered DH, but I dont think SD thought about that first. She was too busy making something about her and getting attention to notice I suppose. She has no shame, I swear.
So the moral of the story is...Its not like I hadnt know where all of this was heading and why I opted out of saving her from herself. Honestly, I still think its one of the best decisions I have made and not feeling the regret or guilt that SD thinks Im supposed to experience. This is all on her and it always has been.
Wow, that is 50 shades of
Wow, that is 50 shades of effed up. Those holier than thou types are the worst and always reveal themselves as hypocrites in the end. SD and BM are no exception. Does your DW's clan preach to you and try to say they are "saved" so that makes anything they do ( that is the opposite of moral or decent) just prefectly fine and you are just supposed to accept it?
Its hilarous when SD and BM ( who was posting Bible verses when I was actually friends iwth her on FB, but thats been terminated too, no pun intended) self ordain themselves as ministers and try to lecture you. Meanwhile, they act like some of us never dealt with them in REAL life and no its a crock of shit.just an act.
The older I get the less I
The older I get the less I care about other people's expectations. So in that way disengaging gets easier.
I am also caring less and
I am also caring less and less than I used to about taking on others expectations and feelings more than I should. It actually feels good, so I guess that means I am getting stonger in training my boundaries to be stronger than emotions. I guess aging does have it perks!
This topic for me is always
This topic for me is always interesting. I met skids when they were 12,11 and 8. They are now 21,20 and 17. They lived with SO full time since his separation in 2011. Stopped going to BMs completely in the beginning of 2018.
I saw a reel on instagram the other day of a woman naming her son after her stepdad. It's the stepdad in the hospital holding the baby while the woman tells him the baby's name. He starts crying etc. He had been in her life since she was 11 and she is currently 26.
Here is the society difference. I've gone above and beyond for my stepkids giving them things I never had... two of them "get it." SS21 and I do not speak.. I can't ask him simple things without getting attitude. I genuinely just don't like him.
Men are getting baby's named after them woman mainly get sh*t on from skids. We will always be viewed different as the 2nd or 3rd wife... even WHEN the BMs are completely lunatics.
Society has always pinned women against each other.. no denying that.. In todays society where 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce kids have become more like pawns in mentally unstable game of who's better and we have forgetten the bigger picture of life.
That is interesting for sure
That is interesting for sure although not surprising. But unfair for certain. SM;s usually do get the brunt of all the hell that is Stepworld. no matter what we do or dont do. Then people wonder why we step back as thats not acceptable either. too. you cant win. Either you were dismissed for "trying too hard", Then, still get read the riot act just for staying to herself and not bothering the Skids, which they wanted for a time yet it still Bothers them in my case. Meanwhile, for so long, SD didnt want to be bothered with my efforts. and now is all butthurt because I am not going that extra mile any longer. Aint all this just so fun??? Yeah, sign me up for more of this with SD and all the generations to come ( of which there will be plenty I have no doubt( haha)
I also blame society for all these unrealistic expectations put on women, which is why I am sure SD still feels so entitled when it comes to me and her as well as her mini skidmarks. Its like we have to be all nice, agreeable, loving, maternal and nuturning to everyone while neglecting our own needs because then we are deemed as cold or selfish. Thats what I am going through with SD currently. This narrow minded idea is that just based on the conditions that I married her Dad and someone with a Uterus with no kids of her own. ( etc female attributes) that I am automatically supposed to want nothing else in this life than to take care of her and her kids. Like I am supposed to owe her a "Mother now" without asking any questions meanwhiile I have no desire. Why should I when I never tried to replace her own mother and nor did she ever want to...now she does as if I signed some contract with her and now have to do her bidding. Its just insane and just more examples of standards that no logical person should be told to live up to.
Ughh MIL and FIL love the old
Ughh MIL and FIL love the old sweep under the rug method. They ask how everything is going and it's just fake conversation on my side. They don't want to know about Toxic BM and they are in complete denial about their two grandchildren and their behaviour. As soon as the truth starts to seep out in conversation they busy themselves with something else, excuse themselves from the room or brush it off. FIL actually states to us he doesn't want to hear it.
So, we don't tell them anything, pretend we are a happy Brady bunch family and treat family gatherings as bandaids - rip it off and it's done until the next one.
I remember one time SIL asked out of conversation where SS was going to high school next year. BM at the time enrolled him into a private school behind DH back and signed his part of the form with her signature. So it was a stressful time for us as DH was seeking legal advice, and threatened BM to court. So when I told her 'we have no idea, apparently a private school as she enrolled him behind our backs and won't agree to any public school he is zoned for' she immediately looked uncomfortable and then made some excuse to walk off. That's the support DH receives from him family. Sorry SIL what was I supposed to say? Oh that's right the vague sweep under the rug answer of 'oh not sure yet' and smile and wave.
Ah yes, so true. The whole "
Ah yes, so true. The whole " Move along, people. nothing to see here" I know that Dh and the inlaws, etc, know full well that SD29 has serious problems and built a miserable life on her own doing. Nothing to exactly write home about to say the least. They just dont want anyone, especially me, Mean Old SM Amy to remind them or say anything since my disengagement has had to force them to get a reality check and face the facts. Whether they fully accept that or not is no longer my responsibily, sorry folks !
This all makes sense as it
This all makes sense as it seems to play out that the blending with Stepdaughters and Stepmoms are supposed to be the worse statisically from what I have gathered. Thats no joke. it really is.
Your story reminds me of one of DH;s cousin whose wife had two little kids from her first marriage. Apparently ,steplife has been great for him ( im happy for them really). It just bugs me when I thought of how I was being compared ( by people being iditots no doubt...this time the SD, which is really rich) to him, Its not totally fair since his steps were still small when he arrrived on the scene, not a 13 year old emboldended brat like my SD. Id bet my bottom dollar that if his steps were teens and girls. and if Dh'c cousin was a stepmother instead, a different scenario would play out for sure
Other than that, its just stupiid and unrealistic to think that everything has been sunshine and rainbows for Him either, so its still not a fair comparison.
Amy, you've written:
Amy, you've written:
'...it seems to play out that the blending with Stepdaughters and Stepmoms are supposed to be the worse statisically from what I have gathered. Thats no joke. it really is.'
I also believe that there is no domestic situation as fraught and soul-destroying as managing a live-in relationship with a man who has full or partial custody of a teenaged daughter. Sharing a house with a young woman who feels displaced, angry and distressed by her father’s love for a female ‘imposter’ has to be one of the foremost reasons for marital discord in a ‘blended’ family.
Even the best, most generous spirited and sympathetic of wives (and husbands, Rags) will break down after enough time spent with a teen who dislikes her. It’s awful! I left my terrific job, my friends, family and home to move in with my long-distance fiancé, convinced that we’d all get along in a heaven of bliss. Ha!
Never in my life, have I been so unhappy as during that first year with my new husband, his son, 15-years-old at the time and his 13-year-old daughter. Although my SS and I hit it off from the get-go (we continue to care, deeply, for one another), my SD did everything in her power to destroy my marriage and almost succeeded.
I was more fortunate than most SMs on StepTalk since my DH, a pragmatic, rational man, always ‘had my back’ and arranged family therapy before our relationship was ruined beyond repair. My SD and I have been on friendly terms for decades, a result that, at one time, I considered to be an impossibility. As much as stepdads seem to have an easier time in ‘blended families’, I’m also convinced that stepsons are more inclined to accept a new woman in their fathers’ lives
@GrannyD..just about
@GrannyD..just about everything you said about your first year in your marriage being so difficult, more than it had to be even though I did all I could to make the best of it and not let memories of SD's atrocious behavior completely ruin it. Its what she would have wanted which she proved to me by having shown herself.
They say the first year of a new marriage is challenging enough ( along with the planning of the wedding leading up ) without a troubled, vindictive out of control young lady throwing a wrench into things, which she did. Or attempted to do. We werent even married a year and I feared that we would be forced to seperate, even though thats the last thing WE wanted to do, but because of SD being so violatile .I thought she would succeed in forcing our hand. To this day, if DH and I were to split up, it would be still be because of her crap. Sorry to be so blunt but there is no denying that little snippet of truth either.
Actually, her behavior started pretty much from the time of our engagement and when we first starting to move all in together. I still suspect that it wasnt totally concindential.. I still feel deep down that she knew what she was doing despite her mental illness and emotional issues. The timing of these episodes just seemed a little too percect.
Speaking of which, While I have had generalized anxiety and some mild depression all my life, and cant blame SD totally for to be fair...but there is no denying that my MH issues just escalated to whole other levels during that time period. Once she left our house to run back to her POS Mommyyyy..suddenly I felt a litle better. THe feeling of relief was papable. Not going to deny it.
I still have anxiety thinking about dealing with her til this day. The whole gut feelings are still trying to get through to me. The good news is that I have been more confident in listening to them better than I did back then.
Like you, when Dh and I got engaged, I agreed to ( and even suggested despite my own doubts, which I should have listened to more closely) us moving to a town within the school district SD was already in. One that I probably might not considered before, but figured it was worth a try. ( we had rented in the city so I was getting tired of that and thought going back to the small town countryish sort of thing would be good for me too. Thats how I reasoned it. I also had this foolish idea that we could try to live together and try integrating a fair chance. I also figured that SD could still be in school and live close with whatever friends she already had, so thought uprooting her woudlnt be the best idea either. Well,,as you can see my by blog, for all my good intentions, this move ending up being a huge mistake since it all just resulted into a total mess of a shitshow. She ended up going back to her Mom's in another School District anyway and stopped attending that altogether sometime along the way after she moved out. So it was all for naught. And yes, that did make me feel resentful in a way. Who wouldnt after making a kind of big life decision by moving from one home to another or doing Anything for someone as ungrateful as my SKID? But no more than I felt so light and free like huge weight was lifted from me, and it was.
Sure enough, a year later when our apartment lease was up, we moved someplace else entirely that was completely our choosing. There was no use worrying about the SD and BM's arrangements anymore, since they already took back that control no matter what I did. We ended up buying a house ( just for US and the pets..which is how I intend to keep it) and not much looking back. So, in a way, I guess things blowing up with SD, worked out for the better in a weird way, since it ended up leading to an improvement in my mental health and happiness once she was GONE in that sense.
And a prostie in the bargain! Poor you...
Hon, it sounds like you gave the relationship with your SD a huge effort, certainly more than I invested in mine. Particularly, since you were suffering from anxiety and depression during that first year of hell! What I found most challenging was the rage that I felt because of my SD’s impudence and mindboggling laziness.
My own 2 daughters (in university during the first few years of my marriage) were strictly raised. They were hard workers, good students and exceptional athletes. By comparison, my SD’s slothfulness and lack of respect infuriated me! Finally, when she called me a ‘bitch’ to my face, I lost control and backhanded her across her nasty, glowering little face. You can well imagine the hell that broke loose over that much regretted lack of restraint.
We SMs are made to feel guilty over any signs of anger that we harbour for our stepchildren, no matter how badly they behave; instead, we’re expected to love them ‘like our own.’ I can only imagine how a BM would manage a disruptive brat, unrelated to her or her family, suddenly propelled into her home to make interminable messes, sass and insult her and destroy her peace of mind. Would she love that child ‘like her own?’
My dear Rags,
My dear Rags,
You seldom give yourself enough credit for your success as a parent, which has been clearly demonstrated by the character and achievements of your son. As we both know, children are sponges, who learn by observation and imitation. The qualities of co-operation, empathy, respect and self-control, that you clearly possess, are not communicated verbally; rather, they are absorbed by paying attention to a parent’s behaviour.
You may be a hard-nose (with that heart of gold that you try so hard to conceal), but children need discipline and firm guidance to do well in a competitive world. Hope that I haven’t compromised your man-card….
I do still worry. I'm lucky
I do still worry. I'm lucky enough that the SKids and in laws live almost 5 hrs away so I don't see them often. But the problem is that most of my husband's family doesn't know exactly how little he sees his kids and so when we go over there it's super awkward. His kids don't like me and I don't like them. We recently went to Alaska to see his sister who he hadn't seen in a few yrs. His mom was there to. She kept telling me, my husband and his kids to get together for a family picture and I kept backing away and managed to get out of it each time because I do not want to even be in a picture with them. The sister did ask me when we were alone what it's like with them at home (she could see how terrible they are). I told her they really don't come over but a handful of times during the yr and it's a quick weekend, or husband gets an airbnb and goes there for weekend. I think that was eye opening for them to really hear for the first time the reality but also she got to see how bad his kids are first hand.
I hate going over there but if I don't go with him half the time his stepmom and dad and sister start asking why I don't go and who knows what else. Then when I do go they constantly say things like oh the kids are just so sweet it's so good they have you guys or here come sit next to SD and i just make some excuse to go to another room. I just smile awkwardly and say sure. They totally have it in their head that we're close or something when it's clearly not the case. My husband is either oblivious to it or he doesn't tell them the reality so that he doesn't shatter what they think the situation is. But then I'm conflicted because on the one hand I think, don't push me on them when it doesn't take a genius to see that there's 0 relationship there. Then again, maybe they see that and that's why they seem to push them on me so much? I also think well shoot they probably think I'm horrible or who knows what they say when we leave? Or, it's not the kids' fault they suck so maybe I should try harder? Then when they're in my house I get up and say good morning and the brats don't even look at me, don't say anything and my husband acts like he doesn't see it. I've been letting it go but I think it's getting to be time I say something.
His parents will say things also like it must be so hard that you probably don't get them enough and my husband will bs some answer and I just sit there with a stupid fake smile not saying anything but secretly thinking ya, I don't think I can handle teens leaving shit in the toilet more than a handful of times a yr or now im worried about the SD during her time of the month because she left blood in the middle of the hallway, not sure how exactly but ya. I made him clean it and I told him to talk to her and him about proper toilet use and idk if he has. I think his family may have some opinions if they knew those things and everything else but I'm not gonna tell em and then I think, who cares? I go back and forth between caring and being full of anxiety about it to not caring. Maybe there is no solution, I just try to stay away as much as possible so that I don't have to deal with those feelings.