Teenage Skid
The time has arrived that the 15 yo teenage boy skid knows it all. Husband complains about his kid not talking to him or wanting to spend any time with him. Skid is just glued to his phone. And........ I'm just over here like yeah ... the skid hasn't had a conversation with me besides answering a direct question with yes/no/idk for years and years.
On one hand this is normal teenage behavior but on the other I'm being petty and sitting back thinking yeah welcome to how I've been treated since Marboro Milly (MIL) exiled us. The skid has always treated the exile as my fault in an unspoken fashion by ignoring my existence in general and avoiding me in every possible way. (Skid will answer if I ask a direct question but very limited and will not elaborate in any way on his own). Right before the exile I disengaged for my own sanity which sent Marboro Milly off the edge and all that.
Anybody else sit back and watch the teenage years happen to the spouse and parent of skid? I'm just tired of giving advice and nobody gives a shit. I've never been a fan of the skid, just no connection and was always the 3rd wheel and never considered or thought of for any birthdays or holidays. I'm just the grocery store, chef and maid lol.
Honestly I'm at that era of starting to take care of myself instead of sacrificing my emotions, care or physical well being for this skid who doesn't give a shit. Pretty sure if I died the skid wouldn't even bat an eye and would just wonder who was picking him up from the sports practices. This community for sure has been a life saver as a stepparent.
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"Honestly I'm at that era of
"Honestly I'm at that era of starting to take care of myself instead of sacrificing my emotions, care or physical well being..."
Amen! Keep it up.
Living well! Means not
Living well! Means not sacrificing one's self as a SParent on the altar of SParental martyrdom to a failed partner and their failed family baggage. They are our partner. They owe us and our relationship their absolute priority focus. Their failed family they owe only what the CO says they owe and they owe their failed family progeny that they are the top responsibility. Never the priority. As for their X(s), they are just shit to stomp on and then scrape off of a shoe when that X steps out of line. If the X is reasonable, then they are dealt with reasonably. If not.....
IMHO of course.
Snatch the phones.
Snatch the phones.
I let these kids know off the top that as long as they pay $0 bills those phones, devices, etc are MINE and I will take them at a moments notice
But yeah with some of these skids and kids ... the less energy I invest in ungrateful people the better for my mental state
I wanted limits
I wanted limits on the phone but unbelievably I got push back from the SO. At first it was yeah these will be the limits and then next thing I know the SS does what he wants with the phone at any and all hours of the day/night. He does get himself up in the morning though but still. I think boundaries would have been beneficial but guess I'm the only one. I don't understand the reluctance but on one hand I do. The SO has been treating the SS as a friend and now the SS has his teenage friends and SO/dad isn't fun or important. I just don't understand the reluctance of SO to parent and as the SM I can no longer be the only parent to a kid that isn't mine.
My SS 16 is a turd. My SD
My SS 16 is a turd. My SD almost 18 has become a horrible person. They are very unlikeable people. My SO and his entire family has just finally realized this. SO is still trying to hold on by a thread . It is way more then just being teenagers .
I'm wondering
I'm wondering if this will be the turn out here too. Ungrateful SS who doesn't realize how good he has it. I think SS is at that attention era where he is getting attention from others at school, gf, sports and doesn't care about SO/dad. It's sad on one end but the other that's exactly how I've been treated for nearly 10 years so why should I feel sorry. It's a reality that SO created
My SO let his kids and ex
My SO let his kids and ex walk all over him for years. Doing whatever they asked. No chores, no consequences, never told no. He felt he had to do it or the kids wouldn't want to see him. Fear and guilt. All he is at this point is a check for BM and sports and a ride for SS. So very sad.
I think it's turned into do
I think it's turned into do this for me relationship between SO & SS. SS thinks everybody is going to just cater to his schedule be damned if we have to work etc. Ungrateful. Can't wait until this SS leaves and hopefully never returns!
SS here is the same way. He
SS here is the same way. He doesn't even stay with us but still wants everything dropped for him. Just yesterday he asked SO to pick him up from some football meeting. SO has been having alot of issues with work but still said yes, like I said hanging on by a thread so will do whatever, he got stuck in traffic and SS was sending nasty texts saying he told him he needed him there at whatever time it was where was he. SO text back was all apologizing and stuff. It should have just been no I can't get you. It is ridiculous what lengths these dads will go to and get not even an ounce of respect. Like you I am waiting for the day SS is completely out of our lives. There is zero joy from him.
If only he would realise that
If only he would realise that his son actually needs him more than he needs his son...
There have been times that
There have been times that practice for SS was done at 6 and instead of coming to the car so we could go he would dilly dally for another half hour "hanging" with his friends like I couldn't see that the coach and equipment had already been put up and left. So I made sure the next few times "traffic" preclvented me from being there at 6 and instead there at 6:30 or 7. I know it's petty but two can play that game especially if it's raining. The indifference attitude by the SS that both me and SO work 10 and 16 hour shifts several cities away from the school is so infuriating. I've tried in the past to teach the SS stuff and give continual chore duties but the SO gets soft. Then it's a matter of get into a fight with SO about his lack of parenting or not caring how SS turns out. It's been hard but I've just had to disengage again from parenting the SS because in the end he isn't my responsibility. If we got divorced I wouldn't have a right to the SS so why should I give a shit now, IMHO. If this comminuty didn't exist I don't know how I would have survived all this stepparent bs.
I would have called him and
I would have called him and told him he had 30Sec to be in the car or I was leaving and he was walking home. Then done it.
We did this with SS a few times. Miss the school bus, then hit the bricks and walk your ass to school. Be at the pick up point when you are supposed to be at the pickup point or... hike your ass home in the dark.
They need to feel if they won't listen.
So unattractive when these
So unattractive when these men let their exes and kids with them treat them like walking ATMs, free Uber, and human doormats
No matter how much a turd is
No matter how much a turd is polished it is still shit. The learning moment when the turd realizes what it is is epic. Even more epic is when everyone else in the turd's orbit has that ephiphany.
IMHO, "I don't know" (IDK) is
IMHO, "I don't know" (IDK) is the most dangerous three word sentence in any language.
That sentence ended my first marriage. That was the answer to any question I asked my XW for nearly the entire marriage. I finally landed on a question that the IDK answer gave me something to work with.
Asking about work and if anything was wrong - I don't know.
Is there something bothering you about us - I don't know.
Are you happy. I don't know.
Etc, etc, etc, etc, - I don't know.
It drove me bug screwy.
One evening she joined me at work and we had dinner. That was during my restaurateur career. I do not recall her saying a single word during dinner. We went for a walk after dinner. All of my locations were in Malls so walks during work were still pretty much at work. I had an assistant manager on duty so not a problem.
During the walk I finally dropped a close ended question that an answer to would be definitive.
"Do you want a divorce?" - "I don't know". I expostulated ... "Finally! An answer I can work with". The next day I scheduled out first appointment with a marriage therapist. That was the start of a long journey of discovery and ultimately that question was the first step on my journey of rediscovering the person I enjoyed being. I had not been that guy since the day before our wedding day 18+mos prior to asking if she wanted a divorce.
6mos later after we explored her and her relationship with her family, me and my relationship with my family, us and our relationship/marriage, we got to an even more definitive point.
At the start of our last of 6mos of weekly sessions the Doc started with "Now we will start to talk about intimacy within your marriage". XW stood up, and with a snarky tone and bitch from hell grimace on her face said "I do not have a problem with sex." Then walked out of the Docs office. Fortunately we had met there and had driven separately. Of course she did not have a problem with sex. She was filling every available orifice of her body with any swinging willy she could wrap an orifice around at any given moment. What she had was a problem with sex within the boundaries of a marriage and a complete lack of recognition of the sanctity of marriage.
Roughly similar to I don't know, is "So what do you want me to do abou it." Though that gives the equity life partner and equity parent SParent partner carte blanche to tell them what they should and will do.
My DW and our son learned very early in the beginning of us that IDK was not an acceptable answer except in specific use territory. e.g. What is the third planet in the 150th solar system in the XYZ LMNOP galaxy? IDK is a perfectly valid answer. But to situational discussions and questions, it is a cop out, a cowardly dodge, and a near catastrophic outcome answer.
IMHO of course.
The indecisiveness and
The indecisiveness and laxiness that comes with IDK is so infuriating. Even when I was a kid, I had opinions and discussions that weren't idk. Obviously there were some but this skid is just annoying the hell out of me with the constant idk. There's also a part of me that is like well the more skid says idk the less ill be doing then. If he doesn't give enough of a damn then my give a damn is gone too lol
The Case Of The Missing Give a Damn!
Sounds like a Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, or Agatha Christie mystery.
For non silent gen or boomer gen, and maybe some early Xer folks, give them a Shmoogle.
I still have the even when given to me vintage sets of ND and HB mysteries along with significant collection of Agatha Christie mysteries that my dad had as a kid.
It’s obvious your opinion doesn’t count.
That's why there is simething called disengagement. You disengage from SS. Your and DH's reaction to SS is different. Him being the BF feels that he has to try go keep relationships with his DS. You on the other hand don't. Your relationship is fueled by SS doing his part.
'SS is not trying to have a relationship, so he gets nothing .
Exactly. I had to disengage
Exactly. I had to disengage from building a relationship with skid years ago because of narcissistic MIL ridiculousness just to save my own sanity. I really just don't care that SO and SS relationship is becoming more broken especially since I was denied even being allowed to have that year's ago. Then I'm sitting here thinking maybe SO should start paying attention to our relationship and let the SS do his own thing he will be 18 and hopefully out on his own soon enough. I sure as hell ain't going to baby or pay his way after 18. He can move out and get a job just like we did at 18. That will be a big surprise for sure. It's been ridiculous watching the SO spend money on SS just to "keep" this relationship and it didn't keep it, spoiled brat IMHO.
You so much sound like me and
You so much sound like me and the relationship my SO has with SS. Basically there is nothing except money and rides. And I was in same boat as you and still am to a degree. I think SO should work harder (which he has been) on the relationship between him and me instead of trying so hard with SS that doesn't want a relationship. I always say it takes two people to have a relationship of any kind. That also means parents and their children. SO has no relationship with his son.
It’s obvious your opinion doesn’t count.
That's why there is simething called disengagement. You disengage from SS. Your and DH's reaction to SS is different. Him being the BF feels that he has to try go keep relationships with his DS. You on the other hand don't. Your relationship is fueled by SS doing his part.
'SS is not trying to have a relationship, so he gets nothing .
I was fully disengaged from
I was fully disengaged from anything to do with my SDs for the last two years, maybe two and a half. DH would contradict me, undermine me and never, ever take my advice. He also started butting in on conversations I might be having with YSD which pretty much effectively stopped the convo. So I just stopped interacting. He got to do it ALL. ALL. With a lot of therapy we are doing better, but he knows that he's responsible for everything to do with his kids forevermore.
OMG I'm not alone! There were
OMG I'm not alone! There were moments when I would try to have a conversation or teaching moment with SS and SO would interrupt, make fun or somehow get the attention back onto himself! That kept happening and happening and I couldn't believe that SO was acting like a toddler. After a few times I had to stop because the SO toddler comes alive and it's pointless. I'm no longer in the business of parenting a child more than the parent.
Like with any on the edge
Like with any on the edge toddler, swat them on the diaper, tap them on the lips with a HUSH! Dump them in their crib.
See how your supposed adult DH likes that. Make sure to do in front of anyone and everyone present when he goes toddler.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
My OSS is exactly like that
My OSS is exactly like that except he's only 12. So I *can't wait* for the official teenage years to start. We used to have a much better relationship and I probably even considered him my favorite of the skids. However as he's gotten older, it just keeps getting worse with the attitude, entitlement, etc. If someone is serving him like buying new shoes, technology, etc that he wants or serving the junk food he demands, then he is very charming. But as soon as you don't show "value" in that way, then you're human garbage to him.
Ive tried to help DH see that this coddling and treating him like an adult does no favors for him. And not being harsh with consequences and discipline when he's disrespectful to adults is a major issue, but there's too much guilt and BM treats him as an adult who can do no wrong.
I don't have advice, just relating to your situation. I often wonder how he'll turn in to as an adult. He's very intelligent but being the golden child of his narcissistic mother and being on the receiving end of DH's guilt and rose colored glasses , makes me lose confidence that he'll reach the potential of the man he otherwise could've been.
I worry about the future of
I worry about the future of SS too. Obviously we all want our skids to be humble, intelligent, nice grown up people. But I also want SS to be successful on his own so he can leave the nest and leave me at peace! I'm also excited for the SS to realize how expensive life is especially his $200 fancy shoes SO constantly buys. Tried to teach and get SS to have an understanding of the household & monies but between SS indifference to learning anything and SO acting like an attention seeker SS never learned anything. The repeatative thought I always have is ... why should I parent more than the actual parent...
Time for the burning platform for both SS and SO.
The concept is that some failure to launch people need to get their tail feathers singed to get them to jump into adulthood or at least leap into the final adulthood progression to finish growing up on their own time and their own dime.
We had to implement the burning platform with ours. He graduated from HS on time and with honors though not without some notable individual and SpermClan invoked drama.
After he graduated he remained on our dime for the summer until his late summer 18th B-day. He definitely had some of the challenges so many teachers cringe at when they have a late summer boy in their classroom in kindergarten and early elementary school.
Shortly after his 18th birthday he returned from his final SpermLand visitation and his introduction to reality and adult life began. The deal was he could go to any University on the planet he wanted to attend and was accepted to. Nope, not interested. Largely because the SpermClan guilted the crap out of him to not keep them on the hook for CS until his 21st B-Day as a University/College/Tradeschool full time student in good standing with his school. If he was not in school, he did not have to hear their whining, pouting, and toxic manipulations. We did require him to keep them on the CS hook if we were paying for University. Even if he had, their CS order would have been less than 15% of the cost over 3 years of university costs, housing costs, food costs, etc.... Option 2 was part time school and part time work in order to remain in our home room and board free. Nope, not interested. Option 3 was work full time to live in our home room and board free. Nope, not interested. Option 4. Work for us as our unpaid highly over tasked 24/7 beck and call chore boy. He didn't want that either but, when left on the front step with locked doors behind him when we left for work he learned that being housed, fed, & clothed beat cold or hot, or hungry and thirsty.
Though we were ready to skin him alive, we are very proud that he was self aware enough, trusted us enough, and confident enough to eventually tell us that he was not ready to focus and put in the effort to be successful in college and that it would be a waste of his time and of our money. He did tell us that he understood that it was important and that he would get it done eventually.
We worked his butt off for 5mos until he enlisted in the military on the delayed entry program. Once he signed, he remained our live in 24/7 beck and call chore boy until we dropped him off at MEPS to report for basic military training.
Meanwhile nearly 14yrs later and back at the ranch, he is less than 7 years from full retirement. Hr is a man of character and honor, an adult of standing in his life, community, and profession. We have a very close relationship with him, and him with us. He not infrequently thanks us for holding him accountable for launching into adulthood. He has never once asked us for money. Sadly his SpermClan bugged the crap out of him for several years after his 18th B-day to pay back the 16+ years of CS they were COd to pay and whined and cried to try to guilt him into begging his mom/my DW to waive starting when he was a little boy.
Light the platform, keep tossing fuel on the fire, and tolerate nothing less than a launch. Sadly, your SO needs the same motivation. The increasingly singeing heat has to drive so much escalating misery that the failure to launch individual ultimately has no choice but to burn or leap.
Take care of you.
This is great, and is a true
This is great, and is a true testament to needing to be on the exact same page with your spouse.
I really think that going to
I really think that going to the military would be great for him and allow him to find purpose which he lacks. But the SO is a big negative of encouraging him that is an option. The babying is about to make me implode. My family never babied, they encouraged and taught me how to be an adult continuously through the teenage years so I was prepared. SO needs to grow up and stop acting like his kid is his bff. I like the leaving them on the porch when you left for work. I'm ready for 18!
Oh yes, I've made it very
Oh yes, I've made it very clear that there will be no 18+ yr old living in our house unless they're paying top dollar premium rent/utilities and doing the cooking and cleaning. Which obviously won't happen.
But you're right, skids have never learned the value of a dollar bc they literally get everything they want. I can't wait for them to learn that brand new nike high tops don't actually grow on trees. And laziness doesn't pay the bills. It'll be a shock for OSS to enter the real world unless he just lives with BM forever, which wouldn't bother me, as long as there's no leeching on me and DH.