Christmas Day Revelation
Yesterday, as I sat in the living room of my nearly 100 year old house (built in 1925) with my pretty little live tree, my dining room table decked out with greens and glass ornaments hanging from the light fixture, the TV playing a video of a crackling fire and Christmas music quietly playing in the background while delicious smells wafted from the kitchen, I looked around me at the faces of my two sons, their father and his girlfriend, and the girlfriend's daughter and son-in-law, and I thought "THIS is what it's like when families can blend and really enjoy each other."
Yesterday was in stark contrast to Christmas with my ex and his family. His family was not the problem - HE was. XBF was perfectly nice to my kids, except my youngest with Autism. He wasn't really mean to DS28, but it was clear he didn't understand some of my son's behaviors and after the first Christmas with my sons, my best friend, his sister, his nephew and his daughter at his mountain house, he said that he didn't think our families should spend holidays together. Why? Because my XBF and his family were listening to a radio station that plays off the wall music and one song included a baby continually crying. My son came down from upstairs to ask if the song could be turned off because the crying baby was really annoying. This really bothered my XBF because his group was enjoying the song and he felt my son was ruining their fun. (eye roll) I can see both sides and I think a good compromise would have been to turn the music down just a bit.
In any event, seeing this warm, wholesome gathering last night really brought home to me just how easy it CAN be for people, even exes, to be not JUST civil, but warm with each other. I really like my XH1's girlfriend. She's a widow of nearly 2 years, herself. My XH1 and I bonded a little over the experience of dating a widow because the girlfriend has been pulling some "crazy Ivans" on my ex. They've been dating for 6-7 months and she got really erratic and kept breaking it off with him. I think she broke it off at least 5 times with him and he was distraught. Her late husband's brothers seem to be torch bearers and not fully supportive of her being in a relationship, and each time she broke it off with my XH1, she had recently talked to one of the brothers. Her late husband died 2 years ago next month, so I know it's fresh. After dating my XBF, I really don't think widowed people should be dating until they have (mostly) processed their grief in a healthy way.
The girlfriend and I are connected on social media. She sends me memes through messenger, and one day we had a brief chat. I congratulated her on updating her relationship status to "in a relationship." I told her she deserves to be happy and to not let anyone else tell her she can't move forward. I shared with her how my XBF hadn't processed his grief in a healthy way and it's nearly 10 years since his late wife died. I showed her pictures and told her how he was stuck and couldn't move forward with me, so I ended it. She didn't say much, just liked my comments.
Within a few days, she had changed her profile picture to one of her and my XH1, and she hasn't pulled a crazy Ivan since Thanksgiving. My XH1 thinks our little chat gave her some courage to stop listening to her former brother in-laws. Bravo!!
She's lovely and I keep telling my XH1 "Don't f*ck it up!!" He adores her - it's obvious.
Oh, and I drank WAY too much wine last night, but guess what I didn't do. I didn't get sad, I didn't berate myself, I didn't get jealous because I'm no longer partnered with someone who behaved like he wasn't all in and in whose love I couldn't be sure.
I was tipsy and happy, watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 with my DS34 - totally hilarious.
I had a nice Christmas never wondering if I was wanted, included and loved. And it's remarkable that my XH1's girlfriend and her family could be a part of making me feel that way when my XBF struggled to do the same.
Anyone else have any holiday revelations?
- la_dulce_vida's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I like my ex's wife a lot
I like my ex's wife a lot better than I like my ex! I can't see doing holidays together, but we have been to joint events and we're friendly enough. It's how reasonable grownups act.
LMAO! Same!!
LMAO! Same!!
I have a vested interest in my XH1 coupling up because I want him to find a nice lady to look after him so my kids don't have to. I'm evil! LMAO
My XH1 is very annoying, but this woman seems to have an amazing influence on him. He's so smitten that he's on his best behavior. It's quite miraculous, and I've told him so.
Yo, Hon!
Yo, Hon!
My revelation, after decades of hosting Christmas dinners, was discovering that preparing the feast (with DH's help) for just the two of us was the best, most enjoyable food prep that I've experienced in decades. We got pleasantly inebriated, danced to Christmas tunes, exchanged wonderful gifts and ate like piggies.
Who knew that sharing the day, just the two of us, could be so glorious? (Don't tell the kids!)
Darlin, that is a WONDERFUL
Darlin, that is a WONDERFUL revelation!!
Some people must take time
After losing a love one. They weight the facts of living by themselves Not answering to anyone VS going back into a live in relationship. GF and her late DH has a routine,, what will be different with exH
People should take the time
People should take the time to grieve properly, but too many, including my XBF and my XH1's widow girlfriend did NOT wait much time at all before jumping back into the dating pool. This is not wise.
Take as long as you want and stay single. As soon as you present yourself ready to date, you should be mostly healed and ready to start again.
When my husband and I first
When my husband and I first started dating it was a year after he separated from his ex wife and Iooking back I see that although we got through it he was "using me to heal his wounds" as if we could heal each other. Many red flags that I can clearly see now. I can only imagine that it must be devasting to lose a loved one and enter the scene again. I cannot imagine. Maybe it's not appropriate for me to guess but I feel like my husband will move on quickly when he's in a bad place.
Evidence shows that widows
Evidence shows that widows are more likely to take some time to heal/grieve and won't rush into a new relationship and widowers are MORE likely to move on quickly - too quickly.
As for divorced folks, MANY people, men and women, will start up with a new person during the separation stage or soon after divorce. I started up with my XH2 while waiting out the 1 year separation period with my XH1. After 26 years, I was eager to get the next chapter of my life started (and we all know how that turned out!!).
Holiday Revelations
My only revelations today are:
that Holidays and Hospitals do not mix.
That parents will never want their kids involved in their long-term care plans althought they WILL want you to run them around, clean up after them and in general "be there".
That skids will always want to use your home as their personal storage lockers.
I'm so sorry CLove. I will
I'm so sorry CLove. I will have to read your posts to learn more about who was in the hospital! ((hugs))
Sorry about the skids using your home as a personal storage locker. I know my DD31 is about to pull that. She was supposed to have moved all of her stuff out of my house (100%) by the end of the year but is now having "health issues."
She has been diagnosed with borderline hypothyroidism. This based on a blood test from over a year ago. She's trying to get into see a doctor, but it just seems VERY CONVENIENT that she's using a year old blood test to explain her lack of energy. I'm just waiting for her to say she can't come in the next week to get the rest of her stuff out.
All I'm saying is that bio kids do this crap, too. I want ALL of her stuff out. She's still got stuff in her dad's basement, and my DS34 still has stuff in the house where I'm currently living. I refuse to have to handle or move any of this stuff when I sell this house to move back to my other house.
Get tough, la_dulce_vida'!
Time to get tough, la_dulce_vida'! Some years ago, my brothers had so much junk piled up in our parents' garage, that Dad had no room to park his truck. Finally, he gave them 1 weeks’ notice to either pick up their belongings or they would be transported to the dump (my parents lived in a rural area).
My bros knew that Dad always said what he meant and did what he said so the junk was soon relocated. There were no hard feelings since my bros are reasonable men and because our Dad was a super guy. Not so sure about your daughter?
The toughest thing I'm
The toughest thing I'm planning is to remove her door code effective midnight, 12/31/24!! And I'll be locking up the electric car charger.
After the 31st, she'll have to give me ADVANCE notice for coming to the house to get her stuff. I will start gathering it up in a pile in the dining room and she'll have until 1/31/24 to get it all moved out, but on my terms.
She and her husband are coming today to get some things, but I am paying attention because sometimes things disappear. I just texted her to let her know my tea strainer is missing. I last saw it near the kitchen sink and I think she "mis-remembers" that it belongs to her. I just texted her a picture of my order from Amazon in case her memory needs jogging! LMAO
OMG, Hon! Those disappearing
OMG, Hon! Those disappearing items. When the steps were still at home, sharing 50/50 access with their mom, my things had a habit of relocating themselves to the 'mother ship'; teacups and mugs, clothing, blankets, sweaters and much more.
A number of these items resurfaced during university visits as in, “There’s my red cashmere sweater that I’d almost forgotten about!” Along with a gorgeous, wool blanket that I’d purchased in Scotland, a stapler that fit my hand perfectly, Estée Lauder makeup, etc.
My bio children were also guilty of ‘rehoming’ my belongings but I was quick to give them a verbal lashing and repossess my things. With steps, it’s not so easy. You can’t just start yelling and grabbing; diplomacy is required. URG!
@granny - I found the tea
@granny - I found the tea strainer. It was in a cabinet that she "claimed". I hadn't used it in ages and the last time I saw it, it was in the dish drainer. She has been the primary user of late and put it away in a cupboard when she normally leaves it on the counter at the "coffee station."
And then she was snotty about me getting my tea strainer "back." She was implying I was accusing her of stealing it when I merely asked if she had seen it and if it had gotten mixed up in her things. I needed it "back" because my son gave my loose tea for Christmas.
She's still got a table, chair, books and a bunch of stuff in the basement to pick up.
Next week my DS34 is coming by to get his stuff out of the attic and help me move my stationary bike into the spare bedroom (I love writing that) so I can work out upstairs. The basement is notoriously cold in the winter as this house is 100 years old and basements were more like root cellars for storing your potatoes and canned goods. LOL
My stepchildren from XH2 had terribly sticky fingers. Imagine my surprise when my one stepson grabbed my long patagonia puff jacket from the coat closet to go CANOEING!!!! I am so glad I caught him and lent him my cheap puff jacket.
One of the stepsons was a straight up cleptomaniac. I had to hide so many things from them.
My DS34 did the slick thing of drinking some of my alcohol and replacing it with WATER!! I was so pissed because he's not 15. He's in his 30s and all he had to do was replace the bottle of liquor. He still owes me a bottle of Reyka vodka. Little turd.
I don't trust my DD31 because she "reclaimed" a Christmas gift of pottery she made me because I "disrespected" her by going into her room while she was at work looking for a lighter. She started locking her bedroom door after that. I love her. I love her more that she's living 45 minutes away with her new husband.