Haven't found my way out yet
I left my BF earlier this year bc I was not sure I could deal with skids. I left the relationship at the early stage so I really hadn't experienced any drama from skids and BM. Then I went into really bad depression because of breaking his heart and the kids'. I most likely suffered way more than them. I was feeling guilty and felt like I lost all my chance at happiness. I missed him so much. I lost all the motivation and ambition I had. I hit the lowest point in my life. People who used to discourage me from going ahead with the relationship earlier told me to go back to him. I did call him a few times, but he didn't pick up. I went to a therapist who helped me understand all the potential issues that could arise but told me ultimately if that is what makes me happy then I should go with it, but know where to get help.
After being miserable for so many months my friends decided they had to take action and took me on a vacation. After that I started socializing again. I met another guy who has no kids or ex. I was still depressed, but whenever this new guy asked me for a coffee or a movie, I didn't reject. I am taking this new relationship really slow. Not getting too close to him and he has also maintained his boundaries. Deep down I still miss my exBf from time to time. What is bothering me now is that I am even missing the skids too. I find my relationship with the new guy kind of boring bc there is no kids, no responsibility. I miss being around the kids and being part of their cute little worlds. I feel when I was in the relationship with my exBF I was not mentally prepared and after all these months of separation, I have become kind of mentally prepared to accepting the kids. Am I being crazy for thinking this way? At times I feel i lost an opportunity to have two kids just in case I couldn't have my own. Also this new guy doesn't really pay that much attention to me as my ex. He used to text at least a couple of times a day. The new guy doesn't care that much really, but may be I haven't been very welcoming to him as well, don't know.
I have so many issues to deal with. One of my friends told me that I have low self esteem bc I see it ok to become a mother figure for the skids and spend my money on them etc. Could this be true? My exBf did want a mother figure for the kids and to love them just like my own and also work full time. While I do understand that this won't be easy to work and take care of kids, I feel it is possible. At the same time, over the course of these few months that I was depressed, I have also become extremely sensitive and kind of difficult to deal with in my relationship with my family members and some friends. I used to be very tolerant, but now I blow up at the smallest matters. I had a fight with my best friend on a very petty issue and she gave me her piece of mind that if I can't handle little issues with her then I am not fit to be a stepmom. It kept me thinking that she might be right coz sometimes I do get angry if my friend copies me etc. She tells me I will have problems with SD after a while too, but I don't feel that way right now. i feel I would gladly give her anything she wants and support her etc, but then I think that I might feel different if she was hateful to me?
As you can see there is so much going on and I really need to figure it out. Any help and guidance will be helpful. Your support in the past has been helpful.
I feel my exBf is still single, but if I wait any longer it might be too late.
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You're right, there's a lot
You're right, there's a lot going on here. My advice to you is to figure out YOU. What is it that you want?
The new guy and the old guy are to separate issues. If you don't think you have a future with this one, it doesn't mean the first one is your Knight in Shining Armour. What is it that really caused you to let go of the relationship with your ex? Do you think those issues will magically disappear if you went back?
As for the children, I don't think you should decide to take on skids just because you may not be able ro have children in the future. Open your heart to finding someone you're compatible with (hopefully childless), make sure that that person feels the same way about raising children as you do, and try to create a family with that person. If it doesn't work out, you could try to adopt. Don't let fear push you back into a situation where you were uncomfortable enough to the point where you decided to leave.
I guess what I'm saying is, don't romanticise the old relationship because the new one isn't working and don't let the old relationship impede on the new one. If you need to take some time away from relationships in general to figure out what you want, do that. Just don't make the decision to be miserable for the rest of your life (either way) because you're afraid.
I agree with confused. It
I agree with confused. It sounds like you're exploring different situations, & that's good. Just make sure you're following the path that really makes YOU happy. Don't feel sorry for the kids. Don't feel sorry for your ex. Don't rush back to ensure yourself "backup kids" in case you can't have your own, & don't rush back out of fear that your time is running out.
If you go back, go back because you've decided that you can feel real happiness with that situation. You've been there, & there was a reason you left. Do you feel like the issues that were big enough to cause you to need to get out have been resolved?
There are a lot of people here, who will tell anyone involved with a man with children to run. While I don't believe everyone is cut out to function well in steplife, I don't believe it's bad for everyone either. I've been with my DH for 11 years & would do it again a million times...with him.
He's a good dad. He parents. He doesn't allow his kids to disrespect me. He doesn't allow guilt to stand in the way of discipline. Could I feel real happiness in a situation with a guilty daddy? Absolutely not. I need to know that my husband will have my back & that the best interest of his children will come before his need to be a yes-man to his kids or BM.
I don't recall the details of your situation. I'm not sure how old the kids are.
Keep working on you & take your time figuring out what it is that you want/need to feel happy. If your ex is the right guy, he'll be there when you're ready.
I think you need to continue
I think you need to continue the therapy. You have a lot to work on. Do the work that you need to do. But, do not go back to him. Your gut told you that this was not the relationship for you, listen to it. Also, it doesn't seem like he misses you as much as you miss him.
Lots of good advice here.
Lots of good advice here. You sound like a people pleaser and your ex needed someone to care for his kids (and work). Good deal for him, but what about you? Those aren't your kids-but they'd all be happy to use you and then when they are older, quite possibly abuse your kind heart. Someday you can have your own kids (naturally or maybe by adoption). Somehow this wasn't working for you or you'd still be there. You are grieving for what could have been. But what could have been may not have been reality. Take more time to let yourself heal and please please please continue therapy. Neither of these guys may be the right one for you (remember that old saying about having to kiss a lot of toads before you meet your prince?). Maybe being by yourself and concentrating on yourself right now is a good thing? Don't be so hard on yourself! Start nurturing yourself first, you need that and you deserve that. Don't go running back because you are afraid of what the future might bring. You'd be letting yourself down if you do that. There's a new year starting soon, make it the year you work at making yourself happy. Happy people attract other happy people. Good luck!
Hi, according to all that you
Hi, according to all that you say, i feel that you should go back to your exbf, i mean you left him because you feel that you couldn't handle being with him and the skids, and you gave yourself a chance to experience another different relationship with someone who is completely different for your exbf. If you feel that you miss your exbf after even being away and trying to meet others, then all i can say is that you might want to try contacting your exbf? IF he wants to work things out and start over then its meant to be and if he doesnt then you know you at least try.
Just remember the skids will grow up, not sure what they will become or how they will see you, but if you are in their lives now they might just grow up to respect you, but like any other kids you know they will have their bad days when they will probably dislike you.
I am dating my boyfriend, who has to kids, and i am very confused on what to do, even though many tell me i have to move on because i hate that he has kids! but i love him! So it is a very difficult situation for me.
But i wish you the best of luck and i hope you find what you need in yourself!
Think about this for a
Think about this for a minute. When women go through childbirth their brain shuts out the icky pain and all the nasty pregnancy stuff. If your brain didn't do this the human race would have died out eons ago!
You are looking back and thinking of the missed opportunity to mother someone else's children. Whether they want another mother wasn't even discussed. I am amazed how often men and women decide for the kids who to give parental right to. Maybe these kids didn't want a mother. Maybe they were happy with their father. Did anyone ask them? This man had slept with 2 different women and managed to get 2 children out of the deed. Not very careful is he.So he wanted someone to pick up his slack and help him out. That person would be a nanny. No, wait ... that nanny would be pulling money out of the home and putting nothing back in.
Being a replacement 'anything' (be it a wife/mother) is doing you a disservice. Why would he not want to be with you because you are you? If the other guy didn't have the kids would he still have wanted to be with you? I suspect no.
See, my DH married me because he loves ME. He considers his ex a cold (make that frozen) fish. She is not a hugger or anything. But I am not the 'mother they should have had'. I am me and the joy I bring to his life overflows into his son's lives.
When a man wants you fill a place in his life you should first fill a place in his heart. Anything else is purely icing on the cake.
The new guy is probably respecting your boundaries. You have put up walls and then seem unhappy he isn't taking them down.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the replies. Is there a way I could chat/message with any of you kind ladies who is available? I just don't want to get too personal on the site in case my ex reads it. I really should find the solution for how I am feeling. It just can't keep going like this for ever.
The new guy has got all the qualities a good partner should have except he has difficulty forming a bond or an attachment. I mean I am not in love with him and i think neither is he with me, but it looks like he is not bothered about it. I causally asked what he thought about love and he said it happens after people spend time together and be nice to each other. While I do agree with him to some extent, I also know of cases where love never develops between a couple even after years.
I have narrowed it down to this:
-I am in love with my exBf. It must be love otherwise I wouldn't be this depressed after letting him go. I am scared and not sure whether I am ready to handle BM and skids.
-My head tells me to go with the new guy. He is younger and has got no baggage, but my heart misses my ex and brings out mother teresa in me. The new guy does have a mother who lives with him because she is alone and he has a big house. His father has passed away so the mom has moved in with his son. He is by no means a moma's boy. He is just helping her, but I think she is not going anywhere. Isn't that worse than having skids? My family thinks it is not bc mom will leave sooner than latter.
Should I pick love or a single man :? . I know i am making this harder on myself than it is, but I just can't feel at peace.
Why pick? Why right now? Work
Why pick? Why right now? Work on you and your stuff and be comfortable on your own and in your own skin. If you don't have that before a relationship, you can lose yourself and self respect in a relationship. If the exbf is meant to be, it will work itself out when the time is right, but it doesn't sound like that time is now. It also doesn't sound like you've let yourself fully heal over the reasons you left your relationship. If you aren't healed from one, you aren't going to be ready or open to other possibilities and then you short yourself.
Not to mention, thinking that someone should love your kids like their own or expecting yourself to love someone else's kids like your own is not a realistic or necessarily healthy expectation. Sometimes, that just doesn't happen. And, by sometimes, I mean most of the time. I adore my SS, but he's not my kid and I don't feel the same about him as I do my baby and my husband doesn't expect me to. If you really think you want to go back to a relationship as a step parent, you need to have realistic expectations. It isn't going to be a fairy tale by any means. It takes the average step family 6-8 years to just get used to each other. And, if you run in thinking you're going to mother someone else's kids, your likely to get slapped down by their BM. If you run in without realistic expectations and boundaries for your behavior and what you expect from yourself and have that clearly shared with and accepted by your significant other, you're setting yourself up for a lot of crap.
Spoken from experience. I've done the SM thing twice. I learned a lot from the first time around, and this time is much easier. My ex was a cheating bastard and got twins from a married woman. I missed him for the first six months after we split, too, but I was better off without his crap. I'm not saying your ex is an idiot like mine, but there are reasons that relationship didn't work, and I kept those in mind as my mind wanted to idolize and miss him while I was healing. When you can look back and see both the good and the bad without rationalizing the bad, then you might be ready to make a healthy, realistic decision.