Step mum to 5.....40 years old...feel tired...am I crazy to consider a bio child of my own?
I look after my husband's 3 youngest kids on weekends and half school holidays. He also has 2 older boys who stay for the odd weekend and longer during holidays. The youngest boy is very demanding and has troubled behaviors at school. I love his kids but I suffer depression and low energy. I work PT as a nurse and always feel pretty relieved when the kids go back to their mum. My husband has worked hard all his life but I think he totally underestimates how having a baby will affect our lives. He has a very laid back attitude but he doesn't realize how much less intense our lives have become in the last few years since the youngest boy has grown up (I have been with them for 4 years and known the little one from age 4. The bio mother is not coping with him and we may get full custody. My question is this....DO I THANK MY LUCKY STARS TO HAVE A READY MADE FAMILY (MY FAMILY LIVE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF AUSTRALIA) OR DO WE HAVE A BABY FOR ME TOO? Im basically not "pining" for one...in fact I had a miscarriage recently and felt RELIEF after the initial sadness. My husband has barely travelled so it may be lovely to open up his world. I love my dog so deeply but worry that I will regret not having my own child. Also after years of nursing I have chronic back and neck pain. Gosh I feel like a weak old wreck!!! Think maybe I am suited to less responsibility and work....big decision so anyone older and in a step mother role I would LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS! !!!! THANKS SO MUCH 
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Thanks for your honesty. Its
Thanks for your honesty. Its wonderful to hear that you sound happy and resolved. Im sure its a grieving process but then im sure I would grieve for my old life too! Husband had a vasectomy reversal for me but he is reasonable thank goodness. Another man would be furious at my feelings. I guess he knows how much I have done for his family too. All the best and thanks again
So your youngest stepchild is
So your youngest stepchild is 8? And you have them every weekend? This is a complex and very personal issue but I'll give you a brain dump of my own experiences in this area. I got involved with my stepchildren when I was 30. The youngest was 5. We had them EOW and a night in the week. Seeing the bond between his children and my then SO, and realising how fun children could be, made me want to have my own children. Having my own children was wonderful and gave me the vindication of being a Proper mother instead of a Step mother. His children could never have filled that space in my life, because there could never be the same kind of reciprocal love that you have with your own children. Even with the youngest stepchildren, to whom I was closest and had the most loving parental role, as they grew older their loyalty and affection was very much for their bio parents and my relationship with them became less rewarding. By the time SS reached 14 he had rejected my input altogether. Although having a baby initially cemented our blended family and brought more happiness and stability, as everyone grew up the cracks appeared again. I am glad beyond measure that I decided to have my own children because there is no comparison between my relationship with them and my relationship with my stepchildren.
The moral here is, don't decide not to have children based on the belief that your stepchildren can in some way fill that role. In some cases a close bond can ensue and continue between stepmum and child, but that seems to be very rare. However, if you have no particular urge for children at 40, and were relieved following your miscarriage, then it could well be a mistake to bring a baby into a demanding family life. Especially if you have health problems which could make it very hard work. You would find your patience wearing thin and your energy low. The baby could temporarily bond your family, or, cause resentment and disruption when you seem to have less time for the stepchildren. The gap in age between a new baby and your stepchildren would mean that the baby would essentially grow up an only child, because your older stepchildren will have very limited interest in a child so much younger.
Wow you have your hands full
Wow you have your hands full my goodness. I am so confused! ! It's wonderful to hear how much you love your kids and I can fully imagine how much more you love them than your step kids. .its only natural. Other people sound so exhausted i5 frightens me silly! I'm so over working but we will be even more stretched if I have a baby. ...it's a head spinner for sure. I have had non stop head aches !!! Thanks for your thoughts. ..this forum has been wonderful for me
Oh my goodness, you poor
Oh my goodness, you poor thing. You sound like you are taking on too too much aren't you? Particularly if your health is beginning to be affected. I have thyroid dysfunction and it does not help my nursing career or step mother responsibilities. But I decided to work part time and that took the pressure off. I really feel for you and admire your work ethic. I can imagine how thinly money is spread when you have all those kids and your Mum to care for too but you must look after yourself and not burn out. Wishing you all the best and thanks for taking the time to write to me. I am so confused about what to do but I hold no illusions regarding how much work children require! ! Sending best wishes
Ha ha thanks for reply...yes
Ha ha thanks for reply...yes I feel the way you do most of the time. My neighbors have twins plus 2 other kids and they seem to have a full life..play sports etc...however im sure it helps that neither parent really works. I think they live off family tax benefit and a few cash in hand market sales with the vegetables they grow. The Australian government rewards too many non working families with ridiculous hand outs :/