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This is not working sorry to say

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 3:00pm

Just had a huge blow up with SO. He yelled to SS that he needs to clean his bathroom because grandma and grandpa are coming in 2 weeks. I was standing right there. He then walks past me. I stopped him and asked him why they were coming. SO says he's leaving town for a business trip for a week and he needs them to stay with SS16.

I'm just floored. He was supposed to take this trip in June when SS16 was at BM's. Then he decided on his own that for business reasons he should take the business trip now. I asked him how long he'd known this, he ultimately said it all got worked out on Wednesday of this week. I responded, and when were you planning on telling me? SO replied, I just did. Grandparents are coming because I refuse to babysit SS16 while SO's out of town. So I get it, but why now?

I asked him, so your parents aren't coming to watch SS16 for our trip the week earlier? We're taking a 4 day trip to Virginia to see SO's Army buddy get promoted. SO was trying to get his mom to come out for that weekend to watch SS and all of our dogs, including mine.

Apparently SS16 will be staying home by himself for 4 days, and he will be watching the dog. Asked SO how long he'd known this, and when was he going to tell me, as two of these dogs are mine. Same response. SS16 and SO never ever fill the water bowl, and it goes dry all the time. I am constantly refilling it. (SO's dog will only drink out of a small blue bowl.). And SS16 turns into a zombie and forgets and is not reliable, and I know he won't refill the water bowl. My dogs are okay, I can fill a big dish for them that will last 4 days, but SO's dog won't use it. I guess he will if he has to.

Point is, I don't want SS16 being in charge of my dogs for 4 days. I don't trust him, and with good reason. Okay, maybe they won't die, but I can't believe SO didn't tell me all this? I don't even want to go on this trip with SO now, and that's going to piss him off even more.

I've been disengaging and that's made SO mad, he admitted he is angry with me. I tried to explain that I've been reading StepMonster, and other "articles" by other SMs and I'm just trying to cope.

SO finally told me that I have rejected SS16, I ignore him, and therefore in doing so I have rejected SO. SO then said I was uncaring, cold, and calculating.

I'm certainly not perfect. I can be introverted, and I don't have the bubbliest personality. Neither does SS16! but apparently I've rejected him. I tried to tell SO, I've only lived here since November and it's just kind of awkward between me and SS16, especially since SO told me that SS doesn't like me.

Oh my God, I can't take this any more. I'm so uncomfortable living here, I do not feel at home, I feel so hated. I am really at a loss as to what to do. I thought for once, things were finally going well this morning, and now this.

Sorry this is so long.

Comments

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 4:33pm

Thank you for your comments. What a tough day. I'm again so glad for everyone on this site.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 6:07pm

Put your dogs in a kennel or board them someplace "like home" instead of expecting SS to take care of them.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 8:35pm

You hit the nail on the head. Thank you, I didn't see it that way before but that's exactly why he takes it so personally.

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Submitted by stepmomto3bioto1 on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 7:56pm

Just a thought. I had found an article on the web, something like "my wife has disengaged from my kids". Its on a Steparenting site. I printed it out, highlighted specific parts that were really relavant and handed it to DH to read!!! You shouldve seen his face as he sat there reading it. It very clearly stated "why" a stepmom wouldve resorted to disengaging. It puts the Blame square in the face of the DH!!! Disney parenting, not standing up for your wife, letting the skids disrespect her in her own house, etc. etc!!!!

My DH still reads it from time to time & hes working now to repair the damage HE has done. Not the skids, but HIM!!! Do a google search, youll find it. Then give it to him to read. He will quickly see YOU are Not the problem!!!!! HE is!! He has the power to either make it or break it in this game we call Steplife!!!!!

Hes just acting like an overgrown toddler having a damn hissy fit!!! Soooo annoying!!

Hang in there!!! (HUGS))

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 8:46pm

Thanks. Although I don't think he's read that one I did have him read an Internet article on disengaging a few weeks ago. It was one someone mentioned on this site. After our fight today I also had him start reading Stepmonster. Lol, he read the first chapter and didn't like it. Said it was just the author having a big pity party. Sigh. I begged him to finish reading it anyway. We'll see.

I'll find that article but right now if I give him any more stuff to read he'll go ballistic. I'm just gonna try and give him some time to cool off.

My SO is a little more hard headed than some in this site. We both have a lot of work. We will see....

Thank you!

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 9:03pm

"When were you planning on telling me" "I just did". I can't tell you how many times I have had this with my husband, although generally not as a deliberate tactic to piss me off, just as part of general hopelessness and lack of consideration. I'm not surprised you are feeling got at, your DH is deliberately excluding you to make a point. He is hurt and angry that you won't accept his son warts and all as he does, and doesn't understand that his expectation is unrealistic and unfair. Don't rise to the dogsitting issue, find an alternative dogsitter. Try as best you can to stay calm and tell DH you have not rejected his son, you are simply trying to find a manageable relationship with him. You are not SS's mother and it is unfair and unrealistic to expect you to provide the same tolerance, love and labour as a parent. He won't find anyone willing to provide that, unless he wants to marry SS16's mother again.

I must say I'm a bit worried about how that bathroom is going to stay clean for 2 weeks.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 9:43pm

Thanks. I think part of my worry is spending a whole week with SS16, and SO's parents without SO there to support me. Talk about being out numbered. I still will not agree to babysit, though, so grandparents it is. I'm sure I'll be posting on here that week.

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Submitted by stepmomto3bioto1 on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 11:31pm

That article is on steptogether.org. My DH also quit reading Stepmonster after like maybe 2 chapters!! Ugh!! I liked the other article for my guy to read cause its authored by a man for men. It squarely puts the blame on the men. It got the point accross real quick for my DH!!! Thats why I loved it so much!!

Men have (in my opinion) ((ok-- some men) have this rediculous notion that when they get divirced, they are gonna find themselves a woman who will only see the great in the kids. They wont become a 'nag' to them & if your already a parent thats a definite bonus cause youll know already that their kids are perfect like angels (more like hellians!!) that do No wrong!! Then they are speechless when we yell at little johnie when he pisses in our fine crystal glasses that they snuck in their bedrooms!! Or they will think we are big meanie cause...gasp... We expect all kids in the home to do their homework every night!! Lol. They start to get this crazy notion that we have become their nagging ex wives cause we find it utterly disgusting cause we slipped & fell in the puddle of piss on the bathroom floor cause his precious 12 yr old boy stilllll cant aim & hit in the toilet!! Ummm....nope!! Whaf they fail to realize is we do Not find their kids stuff 'cute & adorable'

One of the biggest gripes outta my DHs mouth when I "disengaged" from SS12 is that I supposedly was "harder & tougher on SS12" then the other kids. Ummm, no joke DH!! That kid is outta control!!! The very weekend I disengaged (some may remember this) SS12 decided to literally take a big ole dump in MY shower!!!! No joke!!! DHs response? "Why arent you just as mad at the other 2 boys?' Umm... Probably cause SS12 was the Only kid who even went upstairs in the past hour plus he got beat red when i asked him if he did!!! Even After the kid admitted it- to mine & DHs face-- DH has still brought that up to me in fights-- that I showed the kid that day that everything he does is wrong!?! Lmao-- umm nope SS12 was making a very clear message that he was getting even with me for NOT catering to him all weekend then goes & poops in MY shower (that DH does Not use btw- he uses the other one. Augh. But dingy DH still stupidly brought it up to our counselor who looked straight at DH & had to say--- hmm-- I think your wife merely saw an act of rage towards her while your still trying to tell her its ok to be shit on!!! Go figure!!

I also quite often tell my DH that I am NOT the enemy here!! That im supposed to be his partner in life!!! Stop trying to always make it into a me vs them thing!! Its like tackling your teams quarterback! It just doesnt work out for anyone!!

OP- does your DH realize that You are NOT the enemy in all this? He needs to!!