What are some examples that told you something was "off" with the kids?

I'm curious to know because I'm a single mother as well and would like to know how you can tell when kids don't have a father figure in their lives.

I don't know what you expect to tell her? That her kids are somehow "off" because they don't have a father figure in their lives? What exactly would you expect her to do with that information?

I think this is one to keep your nose out of. If her kids need help/attention, I'm sure she would gladly get it for them, but I agree in that I don't know that your observations will be very well received.

My experience with single mothers is that they are very proud, very determined people. They have to be! Implying, even indirectly, that her kids are somehow "wrong" because they don't have a man in their lives could damage your relationship with her beyond repair.

Not having a father figure in a child's life does not always equate to the reason why a child might be off. Your SS has 2 father figures in his life and he is still "off", serial killers who HAVE father figures in their life are still "off".

I'm not sure what armchair therapy/insight you intend to give DWs cousin? Unless you have your Ph.D. in Psychology I would suggest that you don't share your "observations" with DW cousin as it won't be well received.

He deletes everyone that isnt in his fan club.

DracO, are you just on here for the ride? There are several posters who just like to stir. That's ok if you are just looking for attention of any kind, positive or negative.

Just wondering....

also worked with kids for several years and found that I also developed a "Sense" about them. Maybe I Don't always know *why* they are the way they are, but I can sense certain things intuitively. You're empathetic and sensitive... follow your intuition, and maybe find a way to put it to use? Would you work with kids again in the future?

It's not an insult to single mothers to say that kids without fathers may act differently than kids with intact families-- of course they're different!!! But IT IS AN insult to kids with divorced parents to pretend that they do not have a different (perhaps more painful, or difficult) experience than kids who did not experience divorce in their families.

REally ladies, relax. Your kid may benefit from your divorce in some potentially big ways, but that does not change the fact that a divorce is a loss and hardship for children. What's wrong with Draco making that observation?

Draco,

Your hearts in the right place with the kids, but honestly... leave it alone. Nothing will get a mothers back up more than telling her something is off or not right with her kid no matter how good your intentions are.

Perhaps have dw talk to the mom about getting the boy into cub scouts where he can have a positive male role model. Or maybe both kids into big brothers/big sisters programs where they get male attention and mom gets a few hours break. Another good program most (not all)cities or towns have is police explorers or cubs... again a kids group but based on civic pride with no roots in religion.

I am new to this whole forum and I already find both Drac0 and Ladyface incredibly offensive.

It is no ones place to armchair diagnose other individuals children as you two are. Plenty of children of divorce are very well mannered and gracious people. There are many children in intact homes with behavior problems. I don't care for generalizations.

Also I have just been reading through here at other posts and this is not the only male poster. I have not read this posters blogs yet, I may form a better or worse opinion when I do. Yet i have seen other men here that are not hated or treated with disrespect. So there you are again ladyface with another broad paint brush saying people here just man hate for the sake of it.

I have things to do, I will be sure to try and see these other blovs.

All of these Draco haters must be children of divorce with no father figures!! Geesh! Someone please... we need an intervention!

Ok I was NOT going to weigh in here because my interactions with Drac0 yesterday seemed to cause quite a ruckus. But I have to speak my mind on this one.

I know the "feeling" you are getting. It's the same one we all get when we are standing in line at the grocery store watching the woman in front of us pile hundreds of dollars worth of food on the conveyor belt while 2 unruly kids are bouncing off the walls, grabbing everything off the shelves that is colorful and they think they **need**, while there is a precious 2 year old in the seat of the cart that this woman keeps talking to for sake of ignoring the little assholes running circles around her skirt. And we think "poor thing, she's gotta be a stepmom". Yeah, we all make assumptions about other peoples lives. We all "people watch".

I could sit on a bench in the mall and point out every scantily clad dressed young lady hanging all over her boyfriend, or flirting with the older guy that works at the hot dog place and think "she needs a dad". I could watch every well dressed young man that is walking a little too close to his guy friend and think "he was probably raised by his mom". But guess what... I COULD be wrong. Chances are with the divorce ratios these days, that I am RIGHT... but the fact is, it is allll an assumption. Would I EVER EVER EVER speak my opinions to anyone? NO WAY. Not my place, not my business. Do I talk to my CLOSE FRIENDS about these types of behaviors in their children. YUP.I would not be a good friend if I didn't voice concern or point out potential issues when I notice them. But DH's cousin, off limits. Not my family, not my friend... NOT MY BUSINESS.

Drac0, I hope you really consider the backlash of such conversation. If ANYTHING, have DW talk to her... but even at that, I wouldn't. She is a single mom, so what. Sounds like she can handle herself and her kids just fine without your insight.

So Draco - What about a same sex couple who have children? What about widows/widowers? Are you going to nail them for not having a mother/father figure in their lives too? Are they going to be defective parents because they lack a father or mother figure (depending on the couple or the widowed parent)? Or are you just attacking single moms based on your experience with your permissive parenting DW?

I think your observation regarding "single parents" is incredibility condescending. It has nothing to do with who is raising the child, but how the child is raised. What about all of the f**ked up skids we women are dealing with simply because of the inordinate amount of Disney Dads that are out there? Are they deficient too? Have you observed how much richer the child's life would be if they had a positive female role model.

My observation??? Your loss of control over your SS is having a serious impact on your personality.

I am honestly curious -this post is not aimed negatively about/toward anyone. Not pointing fingers. No blame laying, I am honestly just curious: Why?

Many of us come on here and vent/complain about BM’s in our lives keeping our DH/SO’s child from him. We make long emotion filled posts on how our step kids need their dad’s in their lives. We spend thousands going to court to fight for our partner’s right to see his child, raise his child, have a say in the child’s life.

Many of us have complained before about our XH not stepping up to the plate and fathering their kids; Or of their playing Disney dad and leaving the parenting solely in our laps.

There are literally thousands of posts on this web site that we have all written stating how important it is for a child to have their father in their life. **For those same sex couples on the board please understand these words easily translate to “how important it is for the child to have both parents in their life”**

So how come when Draco says the same thing…. He is getting his a$$ jumped hard core?
We are getting comments of Draco fan club vs Draco haters club… come on. Really?
(Side note: the only fan club I belong to is Echo’s bacon chocolate chip cookie recipe fan club)

Are there times he is frustrated with his wife and experiences the sensation that he would have an easier time talking a toddler out of eating play dough than getting her to understand what he is saying/feeling? Probably.

Are there times I have felt that way about my own DH and come on here saying what an unbelievable moron he was being at the time? Oh Yeah.

We have all done it. We don’t come on here to vent and talk about how wonderful our spouses are as parents and how they have all the answers and are wonderful parents blah blah… because frankly if they were all so wonderful and perfect… none of us would need to vent.

Draco portrays his wife to be a bit airheaded a lot Disney, but a generally loving and generous person.

Imagine for a moment you the reader was married to Donkey Kong. And Draco’s SS was also your SS. And the kid sat around the house all day playing video games, had shitty grades, an attitude, was lazy, had questionable hygiene and avoided bed time like the plague. And that his darling BM allowed all of the above.

Oh wait. That’s 90% of what we complain about.

Draco is giving you a look inside the BM’s house and mind from his view. Are some of you just getting pissed off because you see slight images of the BM’s in your life reflected in his writings? And due to hating your own BM, and seeing her in his posts just seeing his name pisses you off? Or is it something I am totally missing??

I have seen many posters call their spouses a$$holes and worse. But Draco portreying his wife to be a bit airheaded and alot disney is horrible?

As early as high school (which was decades ago for me) I realized that my friends and other young people that I knew who were screwed up almost always had a "mother" problem. But that's just an observation not any grand theory of life.

And besides that the world was very different back then. Most dads really weren't that involved. Plus there were quite a few kids in my age bracket who never knew their dads as they were killed in WWII so maybe mothers did count more then.

I observe here on a daily basis evidence of the damage a bad BM can do - even for a weekend. The bad dads for the most part just disappear. Bad parents of either gender hurt their kids - sad.

Boy...you have a knack for your blogs running wild. I glanced through and this is what I think....

1). I would not talk to the single mom about this. What would it accomplish?

2). I usually never delete comments. I want everyone to see when someone is being an asshole. However, I do understand why you delete Echo's comments. This blog would be 25 pages if you didn't.

3). DH and I agreed (before we married) that any kid could live with us after HS graduation IF they went to college FULL time and worked part time. If they did not meet that criteria, they were out of our house.

I'll be honest. I over analyze people all the time. I talk a lot about friends with SO and their messed up relationships. And I label them with psychological terms and wonder what a real psychiatrist would think. And if I said these things to anyone else, I would certainly come off as feeling a bit superior. But when I do that, it's strictly gossip, nothing more. I'm just BS'ing with my SO. It's one of my vices. Never would I want to tell someone (other than SO) or even imply that I think their kid could use some professional help, even if it's true.

Drac0 I think you're a good parent, you're full on though and you have a strong personality. Your concerns about your SS are legitimate, SS' problems directly affect you. I don't always agree with the way you handle things but it's just a disagreement. It doesn't mean I think you're a jerk.

I really didn't care about your posts one way or the other until this post. This one, your tone is a little off putting.
You talk about this kid like he's a new project. Maybe you can get him to a therapist and help him and maybe the therapist will prove you right. And you could then congratulate yourself for being spot on with this kid. You may not intend this, but that's how your writing presents itself.

Anyway a lot of people appreciate your posts so keep doing what you're doing. Just know that tone is everything and you're bound to get negative responses and disagreements. Sheesh, it's just a blog. It's a good way to give my mind a break, decompress. So write away.

I didn't read all five pages of comments on here,but here's my two cents.

No, you definitely shouldn't say anything. You may or may not have some sort of special intuition. Who knows? I think I have some special skills as well-I'm a therapist and trained to observe and analyze and yes, I actually find that I can tell very early on whether both kids/or adults have mental health issues, but that is simply through education and years and years of experience with working with many disorders. However, I would never volunteer these thoughts to someone I barely knew based on playing with their kids for an hour in the park. IMO, it would be unethical for me to do so-an hour in the park is not a psych eval and shouldn't be treated as such. I would also have to say that most likely your comments would be offensive and the cousin would not be happy with you. I would not want someone who hardly knows me or my kids to comment on how they are "off" and need a father figure. Quite frankly you'd never see me again. The only exception to this, for me, would be if I witnessed something that was a danger to the children or others.

About your ss-maybe it's time your dw DID think about medication? Why exactly is she holding off? If medication could help him reach his full potential then wouldn't she want that? some kids truly do just have issues beyond their control that make sitting still, paying attention, doing any sort of "work" just very, very difficult. I'm not saying that as an excuse, because it's not, but perhaps your dw needs to consider giving the kid every advantage that he can have.

I just cannot imagine a situation where such a revelation would be taken in a positive manner.

One of my children has some pretty severe issues; if you met her on the street, you'd just think she's a little off. But if you felt the need to *tell* me she was a little off, I'm pretty sure I'd just tell you off and where to shove off.

But let's even assume cousin-in-law is clueless (which I doubt; you even said she's a good mom), she's going to view you as a meddler. After all, she's with them everyday and sees nothing.

Either way, the kids gain nothing, and now there is strife in the family.