You are here

Over-reacting???

noidea1010's picture

SO has a court date for his divorce
The counselor suggested it might be helpful to me to help him prepare for it.
BM is fighting it. She doesn’t want to lose her health insurance that SO is paying for. She feels that he needs to take care of her.
BM has taken to taking swipes at me, because she feels I’m the reason that SO is pushing this.
She’s not wrong, I would have left him.
He also claims to want to marry me, so that again makes it my fault.
She took another jab at me Monday. He was stupid enough to tell me.
I recommended to him that he should talk to SD12 and not bad-mouth BM, but tell SD12 that if she had any questions about what was going on, he was open to talking to her about it.
He took my advice
Then he called to tell me what they discussed.
1. She wants SO and BM to get back together, she only remembers the good times, not the fighting
2. If she can’t have that, she doesn’t want him to have a girlfriend. He doesn’t give her enough attention when he’s got one.
3. BM has been telling SD12 that SO is telling SD12 things that aren’t true. Like BM is a bad mom. (if he has, it’s not in front of me.)
After that awesome review of the conversation with SD12, that did nothing but hurt me, since I’ve put so much into the relationship with SD12. I said, “She’s still jealous of me. I thought we had moved past that”
To which I got rebuffed
So I fixated on the fact that I wasn't allowed to have feelings and voice them about this.
To which I was told that why couldn’t I just listen for once. I was fixating on an insignificant part of the conversation. Especially after he just had a good talk with his daughter. (what part of that was good)
After that, I tried making my point, but couldn’t, because SO was talking over me, yet again, for the third time.
Realizing I was starting to get pulled into it, I told him Goodnight and hung up on him while he was telling me that I knew I was wrong.
That was Monday and neither of us have tried to contact each other.
I made an appt. with the therapist for tomorrow
I just called SO a couple mins ago to tell him about it and tell him it was up to him if he went, he didn’t answer, I left it on his voicemail.

Quite honestly, I’m on the cliff of jumping out of this relationship. If he can’t respect me enough to listen to what I have to say (whether I’m right or wrong), after I’ve had to listen to him tell me that I focused on an insignificant part of their conversation, then there’s not a point in continuing this relationship. Without communication, you can’t fix anything.

Comments

noidea1010's picture

I should also mention that they have been legally separated for 5 years, WAY before I met him.

noidea1010's picture

He told his daughter that he and her mother fought all the time and that BM is the one who left him. To the other, he told her it wasn't fair of her to expect not to share him, but that they would always be a "team".

Yay...there goes my hope that he'll actually put our marriage (should we ever get to that point) as a priority. And what about if we have kids?

As someone on here once said, Marriage is FIRST PRIORITY, child is FIRST RESPONSIBILITY. (brilliant, BTW and extremely true.)

Hurts more, considering I had to fight with him to implement Father/daughter dates. When he finally did, she loves them, says they should do it more often.

luchay's picture

LMAO - that is EXACTLY what I tell my OH when he spouts off about him and his kids being a team and me needing to accept it -

Yes, you did it that way for your first marriage too - and look where that got ya honey!

The TEAM should be you and your wife/partner - You are the team managers and the kids are the players - they are part of the TEAM but not in management.

luchay's picture

My OH and the BM were BOTH kid-centric, both of them spent the entire marriage focussing outside of each other to get their needs met.

Before kids they had a large social network and ALWAYS did things with other couples - camping, weekends away, dinner out, he had football and cricket, she had her girls nights. They were friends and had sex but weren't really a "married couple" if that makes sense, they got along and all hung out together, and like good little Catholic girls and boys, when they got to a certain age his mother told him it was time to settle down and marry the girl (he was 26 and she 20 when they started dating, they married when he was about 30)

After kids they BOTH focussed on the kids. All activities were around the kids - either both of them and the kids or him/her and the kids. With time spent alone when the other had the kids....

So for him he worked and the rest of his life was his sports and his kids.

He obviously realised he wanted more because he left her, but then it became even more "TEAM SO and the kids"

Along comes me.... The kids are NOT happy.... I am not happy..... and he thinks he needs to maintain the original team and create a side life with me when they are with BM. I am not keen on that (LOL go figure!)

Stupidlyoptimistic's picture

Hmmm...I was always taught that the husband/wife were what made up the team and the child was just that, a child. FYI: The people that taught me this were my parents. They've been happily married for 32 yrs.

IslandGal's picture

...and you sure you want to marry this guy?? He sounds like a spineless jellyfish whose terrified of BM and SD. Wit this attitude, the man shouldn't be in a relationship - he should tattoo the words "standby" on his forehead and wait for BM and SD to tell him what to do, how, and when.

My DH used to be guilty of that too - terrified of hurting pooor widdle SD's fee fees.. fuck almighty.. I used to want to retch and puke every time this happened.. but he has since woken up. Mind you, this has been due to me finding this site, blogging on it, realising I'm not going mental, finding terms such as "mini-wife" and then hashing it out with him.

Unless your DH starts to stand up for you, makes you his # 1 priority and does everything in his power to legally join you too, nothing will work here. He HAS to be the one to show both BM and SD, that you are NOT AN OPTION. You are the one he's choosing to be with and they'd better respect that or they need to shut the fuck up and handle it.

kathc's picture

If you're taking votes I am voting you leave him. He is already an idiot. Reading on her for a few years has taught me that most get worse after you marry them, very, very few ever get any better at all.

CommittedMomma's picture

I think this guy has too much baggage to be sorted out before he gets into another serious relationship or marriage. Sorry.

noidea1010's picture

AMEN LADIES!!! And no, i'm not sure I want to marry him. The relationship better be Priority BEFORE the engagement, otherwise he can go fish for someone more stupid then me.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

The relationship isn't a priority now. I hope you don't think you can change any of this.

Jmom's picture

Legally seperated for 5 years. . . .

he should have handled his business on this crap about 4 years ago. RUN!