You are here

Somewhat O/T - Child Abuse

evilstepmotherJ's picture

Submitted by evilstepmotherJ on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 5:01am

I have two beautiful nieces, 9 and 3. I see them about once a month, however, my mother lives very close by and sees them often and they stay the night with her a lot as well as their grandpa (mom and stepdad are divorced). I am constantly getting emails and texts from Mom about the treatment of the girls to the point that it interrupts my work day, life and gives me many sleepless nights. My mom was abused growing up and I was to a degree until my mom got older and realized the wrong in her ways so I don't think we can really define abuse objectively. I sent her the child help link line and asked her to call them and talk anonymously about what she sees and if it's considered abuse to report it. I should note, there is one record of abuse with the police, but as far as I know things have improved. It's so vague and subtle that it is very hard to tell if it is considered abuse. If we report and CPS finds nothing, the kids would be in greater danger (retaliation) and we could lose them forever. What are some sure signs of abuse? The 9 yr old has told us that "mommy hits us on the face and back" and she has said she wishes she was dead (seems an odd thing for a 9 year old to say) and the 3 yr old hates going home to mommy and cries. Physically we all look but have never seen marks. How can you be sure and at what point do you report without endangering the kids further and losing them forever?

Comments

Cop_Mom's picture

Submitted by Cop_Mom on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 5:33am

There is a line between physical parental discipline (which is allowed in most states) and abuse. Parental discipline, whether your personal standpoint agrees with it or not, is considered a single slap across the face, buttock spanking with an open hand etc. It does not incorporate using closed hand strikes, repeated and multiple strikes, using certain instruments for spanking (coiled/looped electrical wire, hairbrush etc). No forms of parent discipline should be used in a manner which causes bruising, swelling, burning or lacerations to the skin.

Can you ask the 9 year old questions to help ascertain the situations?

If so, I would ask questions about the things that have been mentioned thus far. I wouldn't ask questions in a way that would plant an idea in their head though.

When "Mommy hits them on the face and back", how does mommy do it? (closed hand strike, open hand slap, does she use an instrument, if so what kind, how many hits, etc). When Mommy does this, do you know why Mommy does it or what Mommy says is the reason why?

I'm not sure of the maturity level of the 9 year old, so I don't know how much helpful information can be obtained. Perhaps and idea to try is to ask the kids to draw a picture of what happens when Mommy gets angry at them.....and based off the pictures you can gain more insight as they may include scenes or items they don not know how to verbally express and you can ask about them.

evilstepmotherJ's picture

Submitted by evilstepmotherJ on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 5:01am

Thank you, you have some great ideas especially the drawings. They love to color so that might work. According to the 9 year old "mommy hits her with a hanger on the back" and slaps her face. But there were no marks. We told the 9 year old to tell her teacher the next time because a teacher has to help her. She is a very spunky 9 year old and she told her mom that "if you hit me again mommy i'm telling" and she said her mommy told her that if she tells, she will go far away to a home. We told the 9 year old that she will not go to a home for more than a day or two because we will come and get her. The 3 year old hasn't said too much but then again my mom admitted that she doesn't tell me everything because I can't do anything (i didn't see it) and she knows how it breaks my heart. For now, DH and I have two rooms ready (they are guestrooms as of now) and we are prepared at a moments notice to take both girls should it come to that.

I think next time the girls come to visit we will draw and color. I haven't said too much to them about it because like you mentioned I don't want to lead them in anyway.

thank you for taking the time to reply, very good suggestions.