Felt good to get that out.
fdh and I were talking about a bunch of different things today, and the subject of sd21 came up. I told him that I wanted to just get some stuff off my chest. I told him how I feel about her being pregnant. That it bothers me immensely that she is pregnant for #2 at 21, with only one income (dh's) and living in fil's basement. (They are supposed to be getting an apt soon). Yet she felt that it was ok to blast me all over FB when I was pregnant at 31 and we both had incomes, calling me irresponsible and saying I needed to be on birth control. I brought up how she acted when I got pregnant and how callous she was when I miscarried. I told him that it bothers me that she has never acknowledged what she did. He told me that considering it's her and we both know how selfish she is and what an asshole she can be, I should try to not let it bother me so much.
I told him I might be able to get past it if she would just fucking own up to what she did. After having a child and so desperately wanting another one, she should be able to think back and realize that maybe, just maybe, I loved and wanted my babies, too. That maybe I was heartbroken to lose them. I said she ought to be able to put 2 and 2 together, and realize that since it would devastate her to lose a child, it probably devastated me to lose one. (3). I told him I would feel a lot better if she just said "Hey, after having children myself, I realize how much it must have hurt to lose babies. I was a total shit to treat you like that, and I'm sorry." He told me that she is not going to realize what she did because she's too young. I think he meant immature, though. He said it will probably be years before she realizes what a complete ass she was, if she ever realizes it at all.
I told him that I don't know if she really, truly is so dense that she doesn't see how what she did was wrong, or if she knows it was wrong, but never mentions it because she doesn't want to have to think back and fully see how horrible she was. He said he thinks it's more likely that she DOES know what she did, but can't bring herself to admit how heartless it was and say out loud that she was wrong. I told him I will never say anything about her pregnancy, even though I find the hypocrisy maddening, and that I'm not going to do anything at all, and I don't want things to go back to how bad they were, ever again. BUT, there will always be a lot of sting in me because of what she did, and not apologize or in any way show remorse. I told him that is something I will probably always carry with me.
it felt good to get it out and to someone who knows her like he does. I'm glad he didn't get defensive or make excuses for her. what she did was flat out shitty and he knows it. I feel better just knowing that he knows it and isn't trying to downplay what she did just because she's his kid. it does ease the burden just to have him acknowledge my pain and anger and not tell me I'm wrong to feel that way.
Comments
Oh, bi, I'm so glad you got
Oh, bi, I'm so glad you got that out, and dh could hold space for you. I can feel the relief from here. And now you can continue to navigate this crappy situation in the best way for you. ((hugs))
thank you.
thank you.
You handled that really well,
You handled that really well, bi. She probably wont change, but you've made your feelings clear. I believe that people really cannot skip steps in mending relationships, and the most important first step is making amends. So many people think they can skip over the amends step. It just doesn't work that way imo.
thank you. yes, she
thank you. yes, she definitely expects to just skip right over the most important step (acknowledging what went wrong and apologizing for it). she wants to just forget it ever happened and move on easily. I suppose that's easy to do when you're the offender. not so easy when you're the one who was done wrong. especially when it comes to her doing exactly what she tried to turn everyone against me for doing. it completely blows my mind how she expects now, and expected the first time, for me to be SO happy for her and going out of my way to try "help" her and do things for her. sorry. I just don't do that for people who express joy when I lose something very dear to me. you don't get to celebrate my loss of a child, then expect me to celebrate you getting a child. I don't understand how that even makes sense to her.
fdh did tell me to "consider her age when she said it". I told him that 17 is old enough to know better than to act the way she did and say the things she said. she gets no pardon from me for being a teenager. none at all. she even told me when I told her that due to that whole ordeal, I would not be in any way involved in her pregnancy the first time, that I was "still mad over things said years ago" (it was only 2 1/2 years earlier at that time) and I was "holding a grudge". no. I was distancing myself from someone who showed repeatedly and savagely just how much they enjoy seeing me hurt. I was staying away from a situation that would not benefit me in any way, but would definitely hurt me. then she said she was "young and dumb" when she did those things. like at 19, a whole 2 years older, she was no longer young and dumb. getting pregnant on purpose with no job while living with your bf's parents just proves that you certainly are still young and dumb.
I'm sick of the excuses. if no one wants to say out loud what the problem is and actually try to fix the root problem, I can't make them. but I sure as hell don't have to pretend it never happened just because that's what's easier for the offender, either.
im glad you got that out also
im glad you got that out also Bi!...that was longgggggg overdue!
it has always baffled me why
it has always baffled me why your dh would tell you what his demon spawn said about you. why would he want to fan the flames? I don't understand what he thought that was going to accomplish.
years ago, there was a horrible woman that I worked with. someone who never matured beyond 16. always starting trouble with people. when I was her target, she sent me an email. fdh and I had been together a couple years. I have no idea why he helped himself to my email, but he did and told me I had an email from her. I told him to delete it because I didn't care about what she had to say. so he started reading it out loud to me. I glared at him in disbelief then gave him hell. I yelled at him that i had just told him i did NOT want to know what it said, so why is he now reading it to me? i told him if i wanted to know what it said, i would have read it MYSELF. then i told him to stay the hell out of my email. all he accomplished by reading that to me was pissing me off. nothing of value came of it. here i am, trying to distance myself from this crazy bitch and her games, and he's giving her what she wants. he never made that mistake again.