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Well...here's to "Polyamory" as a new chapter begins..

MainelyaMess's picture

Submitted by MainelyaMess on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 7:36am

DW has left with kids to visit family in Canada in full "Fairy Goddess" fashion. Dyed her hair pink, bought a bunch of belly dancing outfits and is off to explore her new found identity as a "Poly Girl".

While I am stuck running the business, I actually have an overall sense of relief now that everyone is gone. I am not concerned with her absconding with BS8 as it's much too early for her to make that type of decision, so I guess I am more relieved to have a break from the Skids and almost constant "discussion" on her latest spiritual insights.

I will likely share much more often now that I have the ability but dread that I will be constantly working to stay on top of things. It really isn't a one-man business anymore, but I dare not complain! Smile

It's time to put on some good music (of MY choosing!) and get 'er done!

Comments

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 7:41am

Ladies, read previous blogs. OP and his wife are not intimate. OP was given a choice and he seems fine with his wife seeking intimacy elsewhere.

Snowflake's picture

Submitted by Snowflake on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 7:47am

That doesn't sound like polyamory then. It sounds like op's wife is out dating and op is funding that dating.

Op- I am fairly open minded, but this doesn't sound like a healthy situation for anyone. Doesn't sound healthy for your biokid or yourself. In the end, what do you get out of this situation?

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 8:26am

Financially not physically. I don't agree with the trade off, I'm trying to respect/ be open minded to the OP's decision as warped as it may be.

MainelyaMess's picture

Submitted by MainelyaMess on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:30am

I get my son out of this.

BTW I LOVE SEX but who wants to "put out" (how lovely a way of putting it) for someone who isn't "feeling it" for you?

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:35am

It is putting out when there is no love left. I view it as that when it starts to become a chore or necessity. You seem at peace with your set up. I wonder why you sought a venting site. You are also defensive of your and your wife's choices. This is purely an observation. I wish you well in the path you've chosen.

MainelyaMess's picture

Submitted by MainelyaMess on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:46am

I am here to share my situation and (had hoped) to find friends with whom I could lean on when it inevitably gets more challenging ahead. There is no one in my "real" life who would not place judgment on my situation as many have done on here.

Any defensiveness you sense is in response to the viciousness I sense in those who do not understand that my priority is to stay with my son and somehow think I am "not all there" which I find offensive.

MainelyaMess's picture

Submitted by MainelyaMess on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:29am

When the courts consider giving the father custody more often, this would be a viable option. Until then, it is what it is.

Last In Line's picture

Submitted by Last In Line on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 7:56am

There comes a point where staying together for your son is outweighed by a horrible home situation. Do you REALLY want your child growing up in a household where mom is screwing around (and that's what it is, polyamory is a whole different lifestyle than what you are describing), you are irritable and snappish all the time, and you really don't have any positives in the household?

Get out of the marriage. Even if you are a EOW dad, those weekends would be far better for your son if you are a better dad those few days than a complete grouch all the time.

learningallthetime's picture

Submitted by learningallthetime on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 7:59am

I completely agree with this! I have 50/50 with my ex. I can say with certainty my relationship with BS8 is 100% better than it would have been if we stayed together as I was an unhappy and angry girl with my ex. Now, I am calm and able to give BS8 the attention and love he deserves.

MainelyaMess's picture

Submitted by MainelyaMess on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:28am

There are many forms of polyamory. This form is called "polyandry" if you want to be specific.

Last In Line's picture

Submitted by Last In Line on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 10:22am

Your description of your stressful work, stressful home, non-supportive wife, sexless marriage, and lack of joy in anything but your son sounds pretty horrible to me. Also sounds like a hell of a lot of stress to put on an 8 year old, who I assure you isn't quite as unaware as you seem to think he is.

You are allowing yourself to be trapped in the situation however you choose to describe it.

MainelyaMess's picture

Submitted by MainelyaMess on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:33am

Wow, let the arrows fly!

Everyone seems to not understand that the home environment is NOT hostile (as far as the marriage is concerned) and I am not disturbed by her life choices.

Why should I make it into one?

BTW Personal insults reflect more on your character than mine.

MainelyaMess's picture

Submitted by MainelyaMess on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:34am

Why is it so impossible to understand that she is free to love whomever she wishes (as am I) and how it is possible to co-exist with someone whom you care about enough to be happy for them. As long as she doesn't have "friends" like y'all, telling her to destroy it all for sex, than she should be fine.

Snowflake's picture

Submitted by Snowflake on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 10:00am

Like I said I am fairly open minded but in my oh so humble opinion you are playing with fire. It sounds like you have mentally and physically checked out of the marriage. As really so as she, which is fine and adult decision to make, but this has to be hard on the kid who really doesn't know what's going on.

You say in one breath that you don't want her to fall in love but to get some casual sex. But in another breath you want it to not be about the sex for her but about the free love. I am confused. I think you are correct in one of your precious posts that she is looking for a replacement before she leaves you.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:51am

I have no problems with a polyamorous relationship, or an open one, what I am concerned about for you two is that you don't seem to have given it much thought or discussion or seem to have done much research into how to make it work for you two. It also seems to be being used as a temporary fix to your relationship until one or the other of you is brave enough to walk out. I know I am not there so I don't have a clue what is really going on, but the terms that you are using here and your seeming lack of understanding as to what they mean together with the mere week or two between your original post asking about it and this one where you two are going for it indicate to me that you two are walking blind into a maze that will likely untangle your relationship more than it would cement it together. I mean no insults, just wish to direct you to taking your time, doing research, talking with others in the lifestyle to get their help and guidance and then talking and more talking with your wife.

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:44am

Dude, I've resisted until now but I just can't...

If you divorce her you will get 50/50 just based on her pink fucking hair. Are you kidding me? A grown ass woman dyeing her hair PINK? And taking her children along while she goes to date other men?!? Am I reading that right? Yeah, there's not going to be a court that says, "Hm...no, we better not let dad have 50/50 because mom seems SO STABLE"

Just go for effing 50% so your kid can at least have a normal home half the time. At least, I'm assuming that once you're rid of your "don't wanna grow up" wife that you'd settle into a normal routine and maybe find a nice woman who knows she's an adult. When he gets a bit older (usually around 12) the courts will consider his preference of living. (Note, they CONSIDER, they don't just give them what they want)But if you spend a few years as 50/50 then he goes into a court room at 12 and tells a judge that he wants to live with dad because mom has strange men in and out of the house all the time and leaves them alone so she can go out on dates, yeah, I think you'd have an excellent chance of getting him all the time at that point. And if what you're telling us about her is accurate, I don't think it's far fetched to assume that's what she will behave like once she's "free". Hell, she's off dating right now while still married to you!

MainelyaMess's picture

Submitted by MainelyaMess on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:55am

I appreciate your thoughts, but 50/50 is no where near as great as 100% and while she MAY be dating while visiting her parents, she won't be doing that with the kids in tow. I suspect she will be discrete and until it becomes a hostile situation at home, I am not concerned about her seeing others. My biggest concern is that she feels the need to change anything before my BS can make the request to live with me (in 4 years or so).

I am not a jealous person and as long as it keeps my son 100% in my life and he is happy, she can pursue whatever makes her happy.

It will be interesting if I ever decide to "date" someone, I have no doubt her "views" on polyamory will change drastically then. But I am not interested in bringing anyone else into this situation which will most certainly upset their life. Yes, I have thought about "bluffing" but that's not how I operate.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 10:40am

I'm lost. I thought your wife was your son's stepmother. When the marriage ends, the kid goes with you not her.

I just don't understand the whole 50/50 vs 100% when wife isn't the BM or hasn't adopted your son.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Fri, 07/10/2015 - 12:27pm

The little boy is their child together. In addition, the wife has two older kids which are op's steps. In addition to that, op has an older child lost to the great beyond of BMness because BM absconded with said kid and PASed.

So living in the home is an 8 year old OP and his current pink haired wife share. And two older kids who are op's STEPS.

His little boy is his. And pink haired wife's.

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:45am

I'm confused here. One minute you're griping about DW and her actions and then you turn around defend the entire situation the second someone offers you sound advice. I'm not meaning to challenge you, I'm trying to figure out what kind of advice it is that you're hoping to get or are you just needing to vent?

MainelyaMess's picture

Submitted by MainelyaMess on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:57am

Can I not gripe about how I am concerned it will hasten our inevitable demise AND defend her against those who are attacking her and/or me?

dood's picture

Submitted by dood on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:48am

MM... I'm reading through all this and I don't see anyone being hostile or rude. I guess maybe you're immune to what's going on because you live in it... You may want to stop and consider that although 'all this' is just fine and dandy to your way of thinking, that certainly your situation is not "the norm"... People are going to be shocked and they are going to make comments based upon how shocked (and whatever else...) they are. And these people have offered advice in order to help. Seems you don't want any help - so that's fine, too.

People that do not agree are not necessarily hostile ... I see no hostility in any of these comments.

Your life, your choices. Good luck...

Snowflake's picture

Submitted by Snowflake on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 9:58am

I think your comment is spot on in that he seems happy his wife is out pursuing other partners. I am not being mean, but I think he may seriously be a cuckhold. It is a fetish.

Definition from Wikipedia. -
Unlike the traditional definition of the term, in fetish usage a cuckold is complicit in his (or her) partner's sexual "infidelity" and takes masochistic sexual pleasure in it. Cuckolds in the fetish sense also need not be male, and need not be married, although this is the most common pattern, and for all couples some level of pair-bonding intimacy or commitment in their relationship is necessary.[11] Among fetishists, the pose of reluctance—the victimization of the cuckold—is a major element of the paraphilia. (Which may be the reason for the use of the term "cuckold," with its connotations of victimization and inadequacy.)

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 10:15am

Sounds like both of you are putting your own wants/desires above what is best for the children.

Is it best for the children to have a mother (figure) who is hopping from bed to bed while still being married?

Is it best for the children to look upon the father (figure) as at best an ignorant fool and at worst an emasculated victim?

This is the healthy relationship model you want the children to grow up learning??

Believe me. My mom and dad are still married (46 years now) and for YEARS I knew about my mom's infidelity. My father either chose to ignore it or....SOMETHING. I KNOW he had to know. He is a very smart person. It made me lose a ton of respect for my mother but also some for my father as well for putting up with the disrespect.

MainelyaMess's picture

Submitted by MainelyaMess on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 11:02am

IF my son is anything but a happy 8 yr old, I don't see it and I am a very observant person. Smile

I can understand if there is hostility, friction or other negative emotions prevalent in our relationship, but there simply isn't. We get along harmoniously most of the time.

To leave would be soooo disruptive and devastating to my son, the thought is not one I will entertain. If that should ever change...I am most certainly "outta here!".

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Thu, 07/09/2015 - 12:05pm

Kids see EVERYTHING and pick up on the smallest of nuances. They are little sponges.

This WILL adversely affect your son, I'm sorry to say. If pink hair wife wants to polyamory around, would she be willing to give you full custody with EOW visitation for her? Then she has plenty of free time to whore around...oh, excuse me...polyamory around.

And these ladies are in no WAY being hostile to you. It seems to me that all you want is validation for your decision, and you are getting quite defensive when you aren't getting it.