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"Not Caring" -> Resentment?

young13's picture

Submitted by young13 on Tue, 01/12/2016 - 12:42pm

Today I posted my first blog entry and got a lot of feedback, all of which is very much appreciated! I love getting non-biased, diverse and honest opinions from women who have a lot more experience at this step mom thing.

I heard from a lot of the feedback that, as a step mom, I shouldn't be concerned about the way that my SO and his BM handle important matters concerning the kids. (My last entry was about how BM lies about the kids being sick, doesn't take them to school, etc.)

I think that the "not caring" aspect would definitely make my day to day life easier. I think that I will try to slowly adapt to it, as it will be a process. And I do agree that I don't need to be the one worrying myself to death over something that I have absolutely no control over.

What I'm having trouble trying grasp is the fact that if I let so much go, won't that just build up resentment and become an even bigger issue in the future between my SO and me??

Comments

justanothergurlNJ's picture

Submitted by justanothergurlNJ on Tue, 01/12/2016 - 12:49pm

There is a saying around here "not my monkeys not my circus". The first time I heard I thought YES! this is my new mantra. I basically just pay no mind to how SO and BM raise/parent or their lack of. I have no resentment towards SO because he focuses on our relationship and at the end of the day it is my only concern.

over step's picture

Submitted by over step on Tue, 01/12/2016 - 1:09pm

It's not an instant fix as it takes time to stop caring. But I remember that I have not stake in Puke's(SD16) upbringing. She fails, her parents are totally responsible. I tell myself when I feel I'm getting sucked in...not my drama. DH rarely talks to me about Puke and when he does I treat the information as I would a tabloid. Pure entertainment.

This seems to be working well for DH and I as we don't butt heads like we used to. That is most important to me.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 01/12/2016 - 1:11pm

I think it can cause resentment if the end results affect you.

If these kids don't do well in school and then plan on mooching off of you and your SO when they are adults, that will be a problem and frankly, I would not be able to NOT worry about that.

Or if all the DR visits end up costing money that comes out of your household finances, there's going to be resentment.

If your SO's submissiveness to BM causes problems in your relationship, there's going to be resentment.

Not everything can just be let go, it depends on what it is and how it affects your life and your relationship. Some things have to be dealt with, you just have to find a way that works without stressing yourself out. Easier said, than done.

If your SO can deal with everything without involving you, great, but that rarely happens when you are in a serious relationship.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Tue, 01/12/2016 - 2:03pm

THIS a thousand times. While you may not want to announce your disengagement I sure did because I added that if his kids turn out to be deadbeat moochers they can just go to BM or he can move out with them. I'm not cleaning up or dealing in any way with their failure to parent or skids failure to launch

Teas83's picture

Submitted by Teas83 on Tue, 01/12/2016 - 1:35pm

I think if you truly let these things go they won't build up at all. I've found it's always a work in progress for me. Once in a while something little that BM has done will bother me at first, but I just have to remind myself that SD isn't my kid and it doesn't affect me if BM parents her poorly. It took me awhile to get to this point though.

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Tue, 01/12/2016 - 6:19pm

"I think if you truly let these things go they won't build up at all. I've found it's always a work in progress for me...I just have to remind myself that SD isn't my kid and it doesn't affect me..."

This.
I thought that it would be bad to not participate, but after being burned too many times, nope, it's better to NOT be involved. I was never burned by BM but DP and the SDs have done it to me via cluelessness (DP) and outright rebellion (SDs). So if I don't put myself into that position in the first place, it's much, much better. To the point where SD12 recently texted me, with no please or anything, to pick up some cornstarch for her while I was at the store. I won't even spend $1.50 on her, so no, not gonna do it.

It does take time and not everyone can disengage the same way for obvious reasons (no one's life is the exact same). I did it slowly and each time I re-engaged it backfired, so more and more disengagement is necessary. Getting feedback here helps very much.

I'm also reading Stepmonster, which others have recommended, and it's a huge help to understanding the dynamics and what exactly a "stepmom" is...