Crazy weekend

Won't go into All the things that caused this weekend to be really stressful...but this one thing I just need to get out of my system.

BM has an older daughter that is my skids half-sister. That daughter's father chose to kill himself. On Father's Day. I just can not believe the absolute selfishness of that man. He was a true dead-beat but presented himself to the world as an amazing parent who was so concerned about his babies (he had 3 other younger children with 2 different women). But then he paid probably a total of $1000 CS over the oldest daughter's lifetime (she just graduated HS). He chose to leave this existence instead of taking care of his children.

The entire family is in an uproar. This beautiful child has been left fatherless. I can't even imagine her pain. DH has always treated her like one of his own, and he is torn up because she is torn up.

The skids are staying with DH and me until things settle a bit back at BMs house (not my decision, I am not sure that keeping them away is the best way to handle it, but I also understand there is a lot that's going on, everyone is upset, etc). I can tell they are affected even tho they may not totally understand it all--especially SD10.

I will never be able to understand a perfectly healthy person choosing to DIE to escape their problems.

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By dead-beat I meant

By dead-beat I meant financially. He spent time with all of his children from what I have seen (pictures, stories of things they have done, etc) over the last several years.

I don't know what drove him over the edge. I am far enough removed from it that even if someone knew or if there was a note or something I probably wouldn't be top of the list to be informed.

I just think it's awful for all of the family he left behind, regardless of the details.

It is possible he wasn't

It is possible he wasn't aware of the day, or he may have chosen it purposefully. I have no idea. I didn't know the guy aside from what his sister, BM, DH, and daughter have shared with me over the years.

I took it to be for that

I took it to be for that poster. And I totally agree with your comment to them.

I will never be able to

I will never be able to understand a perfectly healthy person choosing to DIE to escape their problems.

He obviously was not a perfectly healthy person.

I feel for his kids and hope that you do not show your disdain for the guy in front of his daughter or your kids.

I suppose I should have said

I suppose I should have said physically healthy.

As far as letting the skids or his daughter know how I feel, that is why I vented here.

I swear sometimes I wonder why the hell I come back to ST, because it's only ok for a very certain chosen few to vent.

I just get frustrated here

I just get frustrated here sometimes. But I do love to vent when needed, and give my sometimes unpopular opinions when I feel like it.

We lost our Cubmaster and

We lost our Cubmaster and potentially very good friend to depression last fall. He and DH met through Scouts and were on their way to becoming really good friends. We knew he was having a hard time, but he never took DH up on his offers to go out. He was a GOOD man. He knew every scout in the Pack by name. He singlehandedly organized and ran many events since our pack is full of non-involved parents. He made time for everyone and listened to the boys. He also volunteered at church, was the first one to offer comfort and help to anyone in need, and worked hard at his job. He had two young boys, 8 & 4 at the time of his death. The 4yo is autistic and his wife had to quit her job since he kept getting kicked out of care places. I don't know the details but I know that they were on waiting lists for special daycares but were having no luck getting in. He also had medical issues and the medical bills were piling up. (Much of this we heard from his wife after the fact.)

No one, and I mean NO ONE who knew him would ever have assumed he was hurting that badly. He was the first to point out the good in life to others in dark places.

My point is, no one really knows what goes on inside the head of someone who commits suicide. There's a song that I heard by Blaine Larsen, and the chorus really gets to me.

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody knows

The truth is that in college, I got that low. I truly felt like my loved ones were better off without me. I didn't see it as hurting my family or being selfish - I saw it as removing a burden from them. That while they'd be sad for a while, they'd be better off in the long run. I didn't show it in real life either. I was cheerful, optimistic, and happy in front of everyone else. It was only when I was alone that I let go of the mask. I was able to overcome it with help from an unknowing friend who never stopped bugging me to hang out at the barn. (I had a car and she didn't so she needed me to drive her.) Something about the horses and the barn chores re-balanced my emotions/brain.

The whole point of this ramble is to point out that you have no idea what he was feeling or struggling with. You have been blessed to never fall in that black pit of despair. I pray you never do. As for it being Father's Day, were his kids with him? Or was it one more "failure" heaped on top of him that he only got to see his kids for a short while if at all? The day itself could have added to his torment.

You are far enough removed from the situation that you can be the voice of reason when survivor's guilt kicks in. Point out that there was nothing anyone could have done except put him on suicide watch. And there need to be signs in order for suicide watch to be enacted. Seeing those signs in hindsight makes them glaringly obvious. Remind your DH if he questions it that people who TRULY wish to suicide hide it really well. They're so used to hiding the pain and putting on a mask that even their loved ones don't see it.

If the skids want to talk about it and you are willing, you can be the unemotional person to discuss it with. Look up depression and suicide stories. Find a suicide survivor's group that the kids could share with their sister. Help the kids find ways for their half-sister to remember GOOD things about her father, since I guarantee she's going to spend a lot of time hearing how selfish her father was from well-meaning people trying to make her feel better. The truth of his selfishness is irrelevant when it comes to her grief. He may have been a financial deadbeat, but he loved her and spent time with her. Unless Mom has been sharing CS info with the daughter, she may not see him as a deadbeat. She just sees him as her Dad.

Not trying to accuse or hurt or say your feelings are wrong. Just trying to provide a little perspective from both the depressed and the survivors side.

I never said he wasn't

I never said he wasn't selfish from the outside. I said that he might not have seen it that way. There is a terrible burden on her. She now has to choose between struggling to make a life here in our town, where her kids have friends and some stability after what happened, and moving back to where their families are to get some support that she desperately needs.

As far as I am aware she stuck it out through the school year, and it moving back by their families this summer. Her in-laws and her family members offered to help watch their kids while she works. They were also invited to join a survivor's group up there.

Edit: She's cut off contact with most of the scouts. Unfortunately we never see her anymore and she hasn't contacted anyone for help despite offers.

He did it in his office at

He did it in his office at work. He was taken by ambulance to the ER and pronounced there after lifesaving measures. She didn't make it to the hospital before he was pronounced. They only told a select few that it was self-induced. The obituary called it heart-related causes.

So at least she didn't have to make the discovery but I feel really badly for whoever did.

OMG THAT'S TERRIBLE! how

OMG THAT'S TERRIBLE! how traumatizing for your dh!!!! *shivers*

a gentleman who worked for me for several years lost his only child this way. they had fertility issues, and waited to adopt him as a baby until they were older and financially able to provide him with everything his heart desired. he was retired from the state and didnt have to work, but he did here part-time for a few years to keep busy. he was the one who found him. and then yes had to clean up and deal with his apartement and belongings.

i hugged him at the funeral and that was the tightest hug i have ever gotten. my heart absolutely broke. he and his wife will now live out their retirement years completely and utterly alone except for eachother.

i'm glad the girl in OP has support. she'll need it.

Exactly why I say it's

Exactly why I say it's selfish. Because they think it is SO much worse for them, that they will just die and leave everyone else to deal with it instead. But being angry at the dead doesn't help. Ugh

He saw his kids, at least two

He saw his kids, at least two of them, because he dropped them off with their grandma just prior to his death. One was on the way back from being out of town and would have seen him but didn't get the chance. Not sure about kid #4.

There were warning signs, there was history, but he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't choose to get help, and the other adults in his life who were aware he was approaching this point didn't act to get him help either.

End of the day tho, what's done is done and those left behind have to figure out how to move forward. Hopefully they will become stronger after they have time to process all of this instead of becoming broken.

Last, I am sorry for everyone

Last, I am sorry for everyone involved. I'm glad skid's sister has you and your DH.

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