SS gone but huge backlash
Hi STalkers.. Sorry I have abandoned the boards for a while but I have been trying to concentrate on DH and I (and little bump), trying not to dwell on these horrible products of BMs entrapment who have ruined my life.
It worked for a while! To recap SS20 is living in a van on our farm - it has a couple of radiators at best and is not really suitable through the winter; he is also extremely antisocial and has no idea how to co-exist (or that he has no God-earned right to live on my land, make mess, make noise etc etc).
I put my foot down and forced my DH's hand (for the first time in my life!!) - for both SS and me, I made it clear he could not just drift through life like a savage in a freezing van on my farm. DH came up with a plan to move him into a house he had just bought with his Mum's inheritance; instead of renting it out for an income (we were going to use as paternity money so he could spend time with the baby and me) SS could move in and he would rent out the other rooms. So we have been busy buying and furnishing the house to make it top condition for a couple of good quality housemates.
I was quite cross with DH because he told SS20 about the plan without me being present; he didn't see the problem but I warned him SS would think I was trying to get rid of him. No heed was taken.... and I haven't seen or spoken to SS since so it's been quite nice.
So 2 weeks later it turns really cold, SS has spent all his money by the 7th day of the month and runs out of gas.. we are away renting a cottage to get one last lovely holiday before the baby arrives.
This text arrives to DH (apologies for the terrible grammar and spelling):
"[Breakingthrough] influences so much and I can't stand this sh*t anymore. If she didn't want us to live under our own fathers roof then she should of said ages ago. As soon as I said I was going to move to [new house] which I still want to do she was so happy knowing that her little schemes she plans is going her way. She's manipulative dad and she's controlling you and everything but nobody seems to see it. She can't wait for me to be gone as much as she says she doesn't she's never wanted me and [SD17] about. Remember [old house] when she smashed up the house and tryed forking the blame off on me and [SD17]. I'm writing another letter to her only stating everything I feel towards her and I'm not holding back with the truth. I still want to move to [new house] dad don't worry bu I just need to put some things out there and into context. I've had enough of the may she mind f**k all of us into things and the way she sits there all quiet trying to get attention when people are around as if she's the one who everyone should glance at. She's playing a clever game dad. She's using every excuse about anything because she's pregnant. Bull f**king sh*t. Nothing has changed. I know things are hard with complications in the pregnancy dad but she milking it like fuck. Leopards don't change there spots dad. When mum was pregnant with me she worked with preeclampsia!!!!! Look I ain't taking this out on you dad but please just open your eyes and see what's going on because everyone looking in can see it.
I'm at [girlfriend's] tonight and wont be back until like half 5 tomorrow evening.
[SS] xx"
I'm not even going to start going through the lies in this (BM has never worked!! It has never been DH's roof, I have always paid all the bills, blah blah blah). I am just so unbeleivably hurt. I told DH unless there was some severe grovelling I didn't want to see SS again, he was not welcome here - he has blown it with me. DH talked to him last night, SS apologised to DH.. said he didn't mean those things... (oh and BM, SD17 and SS20 HAVE been sitting around bitching about me as we always suspected)...
... then ran away when I was driving in rather than stay and apologise to me.
I don't think I even want an apology, I don't know. The fact DH is still running around after him (and seems to have forgiven him completely) doesn't help. I am trying so hard to be positive; I am free... but I need help from my friends here.
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Comments
Just be done with him. No
Just be done with him. No need to see, talk, text or even hear his name. Let the little f***tard just just go live his life as far away from you as possible.
Why care what he thinks? He should just be dead to you. Do not let him near your baby.
Phew..... nearly tempted to
Phew..... nearly tempted to delete this post. I have just had a hand delivered letter from SS20. It was heartfelt, sincere and he has apologised unreservedly (about 10 times). He says these are not his opinions, they are those of his sister and mother and he feels easily manipulated that he could say those 'evil' things about me. Then he listed a huge list of things I have done for him (some of which I don't even remember!).
I am humbled and feel a lot of warmth towards him at this point. Jeez... how must you feel if these are your real children putting you through this?!!!!
No, don't delete it. Your
No, don't delete it. Your roller coaster isn't over.
I'm shocked he could remember all those things you did for him. That's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
Oh, yeah. He already did the poke in the eye. I would be very wary about him and his little coven and keep your distance.
He still needs to launch for real. If he's not going to college, there should be a plan for him to fully pay his own rent in no less than one year.
Now, on this one, I agree
Now, on this one, I agree with you wholeheartedly!
< -- is that emoji a big fat smile? It's supposed to be. My eyes must be going. Wish the software wouldn't convert an old fashioned emoticon into an uncertain emoji!
Bless my DH - he made it very
Bless my DH - he made it very keen to SS that we have no secrets and will always share text messages with each other. He did warn me before letting me read it.
Thank you for that reality
Thank you for that reality check. I suspect that this has all emerged because I am finally not supporting him financially - so he doesn't have to be nice to me any more! It is still hard to hear your suspicions that you are not liked said to your face.
Amen. A 20 year old man who
Amen. A 20 year old man who can't support himself has a lot of nerve being an expert on how much work pregnant women with and without pre-eclampsia should be doing. Sheesh!
Can't agree with that. The
Can't agree with that. The inheritance went to the woman's son. HE has a right to use it as he sees fit. My grandparents did not bequeath any assets directly to grandkids -- why should they? One person's assets cannot be expected to support infinite generations. That money was left to the dad -- who has a wife and multiple children.
Mea culpa. The thing I
Mea culpa. The thing I specifically did not agree with is that the grandma's inheritance should benefit son and grandson in some kind of contemporaneous equality. The grandmother could have left the house or the cash to this grandson -- she did not. She left it to her own son. He can give it away to Ducks Unlimited if he wants or spend it all on a trip in Elon Musk's rocket for himself.
The grandson should have no expectation of money that was not left to him and is not his.
The grandbaby about to be hatched has a right to a secure childhood with a roof over his head and food in the fridge. 20 year old already had that childhood. He is now of an age where he should be out conquering the world, not fighting over portions with a baby who is equally a grandchild of the woman who left the money to neither one of them.
Hope that clears up my area of disagreement.
4o years in the hopper,
4o years in the hopper, indeed! Good point!
FWIW, I believe OP has other mutual children with 20 year old's dad. So the focus on the baby may be a little more intense than warrants. I could have it wrong, but I seem to recall the multiple mutuals from her earlier post.
Hey, life is not fair.
Maybe if 20 year old stopped mooning about dad's house, he would go out and build a fortune that far exceeds anything his family of origin could come up with. With apologies to Horace Greeley, "Go forward, young man, go forward."
^^^^^^ A whole lotta the
^^^^^^ A whole lotta the above.
Thanks for comments all. Just
Thanks for comments all. Just to clarify, this house has been bought with DH's Mum's money. We have already agreed that it ties up the inheritance for his three children (who will get nothing from any of their other relatives); my child is going to inherit all my/my mother's estate and I am in agreement that she should not be included in the division of her other Grandma's money.
We were simply going to use the rent temporarily while I am on maternity leave - I am not too bitter that this will not be possible as we have money put aside.
My problems with SS20 living in the house are twofold; firstly he is not being asked to launch - he will pay no rent and not be asked to look after himself. Secondly his sister will not be entitled to the same privilege (or maybe she will?? Who knows?! Then DH will not even break even by renting the other rooms) and his eldest (half) brother has had to fend for himself from the age of 16; so I am sure will not begrudge this move at all!
p.s. please don't descend to a slap-off about my DH's age again - yes he looks bad on paper but he's a very energetic 49 year old and we have been clear since day one about our plan to have children (just wanted to wait until his kids had launched to be as gentle as possible on them)
I'm British, but even so I
I'm British, but even so I think I might have made that one up! Try saying it in a Hugh Grant voice..
SS called you names and
SS called you names and blamed you for everything.... DH told him to apologize, you got the letter and now you are going soft...
I'm sorry Hon, SS did not mean a word of what he wrote.... do not believe him, stick you your guns, SS is not welcome back, over and done with.... he's an adult stop stressing about what he thinks about you, you are not planing to marry him or are you :?
Disengage and remain so... DH can visit SS, you will no longer try and invest in a relationship with SS or any other spawn DH might have