Were reasons for break-up legit.?
At the wise advise of one of the ladies on step talk I have decided to post my entire story to get some feed back. Some of my recent blogs/posts have only had parts of my story. I will try to be brief. My self and my ex finance are in our mid - forties. He has two school aged kids. We broke up maybe 2 1/2 ish month ago. We were living together but I now have my own place.
Some days I wonder if the break up was for good reason.. you tell me your thoughts.
Basically living with him and his kids was very hard on me. I felt like an outsider. Our worlds revolved around the kids. From everything to what was for dinner or where we wanted to go for dinner to where we went on mini vacations etc. Bringing kids on our honey moon was mentioned by my ex. Sometimes when we all went out to dinner it felt like i didn't even exist. One night I thought to myself... I'm not going to say one work and see what happens.. Well I just sat there while they all talked .. it was a very lonely existence.
I could not discipline the kids. Him and his ex did that and decided all rules etc that transferred from home to home. The family cat went back and forth between the homes. No real set in stone schedule for visitation. Whatever worked for my ex and his ex wife would be. No child support per say.. He gave her one lump sum once a year and payed for ALL of the kids extras. Of course communication was needed when one of the kids needed new soccer cleats etc so my fiancé at the time would have to put money in his exes account. Now the communication between those two was daily by text. It seemed to go on and on.
Lots of communication from the ex. for instance.. "these kids are driving me nuts, come pick them up" or "me and little Johnny just had an argument" or "my internet is not working and because the kids can't watch their show you need to call me and help fix it".. Plus the normal parenting stuff that needed communication etc.
When I type this all out it makes him sound like a total A-hole:) Or maybe I'm the A-hole. I go back and forth between blaming myself and blaming him.. UGH
It was almost like they were still married but just not living together. All of the things married couples do.. they did minus being romantically involved. Now that was my job, but that was my only job.
He was always defensive when I discussed these things with him. In my opinion he was too close to his ex wife and her family. We had to spend weekends with them at sporting events.. soccer and La cross. He still felt the need to visit with the ex in laws as well. He always said to me he would do "whatever he and his ex felt was needed " to do what is best for the kids. Now this BM was not high drama etc.. My problem was that they were actually too attached.. B-day parties were always spent with the ex and her family.
What you all call disney land dad and guilty dad syndrome he had.. Kids were nice in general but spoiled rotten. When the kids were not there he talked and talked about how he missed and loved them.. ok.. but I am still here..!!!
The flip side of this is that we did love each other. without all of this kid and BM issues that I had i have no doubt we would still be together.
I felt very alone in this relationship. The other thing is that I would have wanted to be married at some point and he always wanted to push that off saying well if we get married and then divorced it will be bad for his wallet.. hmmmmm..
And my last point of contention is that he replaced me 3 weeks after our break up with a woman who is okay with all of the above. NOW.. for the ladies on here that do this one big happy family thing I think that is great. I personally could not do it. I wanted basic contact with the ex.. set schedules, proper child support payments, no dealings or very little with the ex in laws .. no joint celebrations, I wanted to separate things.
There is no way I could have felt important or been treated as a wife in this type of situation.
So did I make the right choice here.. ???? I know that being alone is better than being in a bad relationship.. but then I look at the women who are okay with all of this entanglement etc and I'm like what the hell is wrong with me..???!!! (Sue.. don't shoot me for saying that.)
I'm suffering at this point from some pretty hard core depression. I'm trying to work through it and come out on the other end stronger .. but man some days its so hard.. I was dating a few guys here and there.. but I'm just so burnt out at this point I'm like why even bother..
Thanks for reading and as always I really appreciate you guys.. your perspective means a lot to me.. and I don't have any friends that have gone through this type of situation with trying to be a step parent.
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Comments
Why does it matter what
Why does it matter what anyone else thinks? You made your decision. I am sure you didn't make it lightly and out a lot of thought into it. Breaking up is hard and moving on is harder. The key though is time and finding new things or people to occupy yourself with. Stop going over your reasons, when you were there everyday living that life they were good enough for you to want to get away and move onto something different. Because of that they are still good reasons. Questioning them now does no good.
Are you getting some professional help with your depression? If you can get some then it might be worth trying.
Thanks. And yes I have
Thanks. And yes I have started seeing a therapist which will be good!!
It sounds like you were
It sounds like you were screwed. He is way too close to his ex and the problems you're citing are most likely not going to stop. I think you made the right choice.
You aren't alone in thinking
You aren't alone in thinking that he was too close to his ex and her family. I would never have put up with it. My new SIL tried this with her ex, and it failed miserably. SIL blamed her ex's new GF (now wife) but from what SIL'm mom said, it was SIL and her ex who just could not get along.
You also don't know that the new girl is really any more ok with it than you were. She's still in the beginning stages of the relationship.give it a couple of months and she may be here too.
This. Think about how long
This. Think about how long it took you to come to your senses. She's very early in the relationship and probably has no idea how these things will start to affect her long term. Especially if she hasn't been with a man with kids before.
I've read through all your past posts and agree 100 percent with your choice to leave. I am one of the relatively happy SMs, love my DH to pieces, and things have been steadily improving. But the key here is my DH was willing to make changes. I can tell you that based on what you have written, if that were my DH, I never would have married him. It's just apples and oranges.
From reading your old blogs and this one it seems you compare yourself frequently to some fictional SMs who are able to make it work with such enmeshed situations. First, they may not exist. You don't know what other people's relationships are really like, and you don't know if their relationship have some elements of success that yours does not. Second, of the women who do stay you don't know if they're actually happy. Maybe they stay for religious or financial reasons or because they have kids together. Finally, and most importantly, who cares? You are your own person. Just because they are happy in a situation does not mean you would be. And that difference doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.
I'll give you one quick anecdote. Early on when DH and I had just gotten engaged, we looked into buying a home. When we ran a credit check we realized that BM had never refinanced the family home as she was court ordered to, and the mortgage was still inDHs name. This was a double bind as he had too much in loans already (with this mortgage) to get another and BM could mess with DHs credit at will by not paying on time. DH was reluctant to force her to refinance as she had poor credit and might not get a loan, and the only option in that case would be to force a sale. I was telling a friend (with no step experience) about this situation and got the predictable "well she's the mother of his kids, and those are his kids so of course they come first!" response. I replied, "that is fine and he has every right to put them first, but personally that is not a relationship I could ever be in." I communicated this to my (now) husband as well. Fortunately the mortgage thing got solved and he does put me first.
I guess the point I am trying to make is this isn't about right and wrong. Your ex Fiance has every right to do and feel they way he does, and you have every right not to tolerate it and not to marry him for it. One of you doesn't have to be wrong. You just aren't compatible. But I would wager with his attitude he will have some difficulty in finding a woman who will tolerate it. Stay strong!
I think I have been comparing
I think I have been comparing myself to these imaginary women who are okay with the enmeshment. The thing is they are not imaginary. There are women who are ok with it. I'm the back of my mind I wonder why couldn't I be one of those women for the man I loved but I know that I would have never been happy living that way.
I have been called jealous, immature, petty, uncareing to the children, crazy and the list goes on. I know that I'm not any of these things but damn it still hurts. Thanks for your comments woke up a bug.
I need to realize I did dodge a huge bullet here. My ex had other issues as well which were not related to the blended family dynamic.
It's hard when your partner is your whole world and to him you are just an afterthought. Now he would deny everything I am saying here and argue that I'm just stupid and crazy.
Break ups are hard. You are
Break ups are hard. You are sad now, but every day will be easier and soon you will have more good days than bad. Then you can go forward and have the happy life you deserve, with or without a man (and his other wife).
whoa..sounds very similar to
whoa..sounds very similar to exactly the situation I was in, except it was 3 kids and they were much younger. We were also both mid-forties. All the way down to doing the "no talking" test. Same results.
I got out and all I can say is..BEST THING I EVER DID!!
It's normal for you to feel "down" right now. Just accept that you will feel this way for a few months - but believe me, you will be much happier shortly! It just takes time, any break up does. Read books, catch up with friends, whatever you need to do..and each hour and each day will put it all farther into your rearview mirror.
I didn't date for 6 months..then I did and had to go on 80 dates over a year and a half until I found the perfect one - with NO KIDS!! I cannot stress enough how much better life is now. I even turned down a good looking, hot shot with our government during my dating phase who I even really liked.. because he had 4 kids. No way, Jose. I wasn't gonna set myself up for history to repeat itself. Learned my lesson.
You did the right thing, you really did.
You absolutely did the right
You absolutely did the right thing, for the right reasons.
without all of this kid and BM issues that I had i have no doubt we would still be together.
The fact is, you DON'T know that it would have worked if not for the the kid and BM issues. There might have been something else distracting him and keeping him emotionally distant from you. It just happened to have been his kids and his ex in this scenario.
That's the difference between
That's the difference between my ex and your DH. He knew my stance right along but then at the end of our relationship he said part of being a good co parent was being cooperative and that it was all for the kids and things would not change.
Yeah I'm beginning to realize
Yeah I'm beginning to realize he just needs a warm body. Not a true love and partner.
You did the right thing. He
You did the right thing. He was still emotionally married to his ex; next to his, her feelings were the priority. Then the kids. Then the family cat. Then you.
He was in no way ready for a serious relationship, but he won't see that until he detaches from her. And, as you've seen, no one can make him do that. He's got to want to do it himself.
The new woman will not have an easy time. While they are in the honeymoon period, things will be grand. Of course she's fine with him being emotionally married! She's perfect. He's seeing her through the filter of a perfect woman, because he's not seeing her at all. Until the honeymoon period ends, and his image of her comes crashing down.
If they last, she is also going to demand changes from him. No woman wants to be sister wife. And he'll be facing the exact same issues with yet another woman, and that may be his "aha" moment.
My guy and I went through a breakup after 2 and half years after a huge fight about BM/kids. BM wanted what your ex had - divorce but all the benefits of being married to the parent of your kid. No way, Jose. He was willing to make some changes, but there was a little voice in the back of his mind that truly believed that I was the problem. She kept trying to bully him into the arrangement that she wanted, and he'd always given into her in the past, so she pushed and pushed until he felt crazy.
I didn't speak to him for the better part of a year, and we both dated other people. Around 9 months of silence, I started hearing from him again. Since we met for a drink, we've been back together. He no longer had doubts about me and had continued working to create boundaries with BM. He understood that she was the problem; she didn't want to let go and was using the kids as an excuse to cling on. Things have been generally wonderful since. I know that I come first, and that makes me want to persevere through whatever the BM drama of the moment is.
Keep on keeping on. I know it hurts, but you and I also both know that you deserve better than being treated like runner up. Maybe this man will take off his marriage lenses and shape up and look at what he's lost, but maybe not. The really sh*tty part of this is feeling like you did all that advocating for yourself and now some other woman might step in and have a much easier time of it. It really sucks. I know; I felt that way for a long time.
I will say that no man that is happy and moved on from a breakup will text his ex to tell her about his new woman. That's not the work of someone who is happy, but maybe he'll get there with the new woman. You just don't know.
Use this time to stay away and heal. That way you're prepared for whatever happens.
Do not doubt that the absolute best thing to do is have ZERO contact with him. Make him go cold turkey without you. There is no other way to force an ex to gain perspective on the loss of a relationship. Staying in touch, no matter how infrequent, means he never has to gain that perspective. Just trust me that letting go completely, mourning what you've lost (your dreams and future with this man), knowing that you deserve better than what he was offering you, and remaining open to what life brings you is the way to go.
I'm so sorry you're in pain. I know how much it hurts. I know how hard it is to wonder if it's right to let go. From what you've told us, I think it was the right choice. Don't be tempted to think otherwise just because it hurts. Accept that this is one thing that isn't easy in life, and be good to yourself.
Sending a million hugs.