Door off for almost a month...food and dishes everywhere...equity partner-ship has sailed
By now, the repetition has grown tiring. SD17 Winona hasn't been to any stores lately. She has been mostly quiet, and under the radar. Until last night of course. Her door has been off her room for a month now. the morning stench of cheap perfume is cloying and the sound of her nightly singing just pisses me off. Not to mention her video-watching noise. Her father asked her to keep her noise down, as we were watching a movie and she popped off "you wouldn't be bothered by my noise if I had a door on". I heard that and heard the word "Jesus". SD17 Winona has taken to swearing at her parents.
I flipped her off through the wall in front of her father (I NEVER do this..)and told him "Did you hear what she said just now? If Precious Snowflake had done the right thing in the first place she would have had a door!" Honestly, this kid is the consummate victim - she never does anything wrong in her mind, and any attempts at punishment or repercussions make her victimhood that much more for her to complain about.
complaint: "we never go anywhere"
- Well gee precious snowflake, going places is expensive! And you don't appreciate it anyway. Maybe if you had friends to hang with, a job to go to...
complaint: "you wouldn't have to hear me/see mess in my room if I had a door!"
- Well gee precious entitled snowflake, you have been a not-so-pretty little liar lately and we cant trust that you will keep your room clean, rather than watching makeup videos.
Complaint: "What did I do/ I didnt do anything" said in the most annoying screech/whine/howl
- Well, gee precious winona, you have been banned from jcpenny for 1 year, you lie about EVERYTHING under the sun and moon, you are rude and mean and lazy. So right, you don't do ANYTHING. You have no job, and yet you complain about picking up dog poo because its not your dog. You do not lift a finger to contribute, you only tell your daddddeeee you love him when you want $$$$, so you don't do anything. Forget about the crap that comes out of your mouth all the time.
I am at the point where I am about to break my disengagement pact with myself, and SO.
Just this morning, I observed bowls and plates of rotting food (mine, that I bought), and cups of coffee. SO and I had a discussion about this - the "no eating in the room" house rule. She flagrantly broke it. SO flagrantly allowed it. I sent him photos and he just texted back "I saw that, she is cleaning it today after school". It is our 3 days for kiddos.
I feel like "ok, so much for SOLIDARITY". So much for a united front, So much for my equality in our household. This is BS. Pretty po'd but did not text anything other mundane crapola. SO just doesn't get that he is contributing to the problem.
He patted himself on the back the other night, saying "CLove, you should be having no problems, things with me and the kids are so CHILL, so RELAXED". I told him "that is example of LAZY PARENTING, and contributes to the PROBLEMS you are having".
Moving out is my only option. Looking forward to it. Putting that out into my Universe...
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Comments
I almost did the unthinkable
I almost did the unthinkable and dumped all the food items onto her bed. But I like that idea better, however paper plates molding with food are worse...
Advice - This is the feather that broke the elephants back, really because she has done this very same thing for over 2 1/2 years, and has started hiding dishes to avoid getting into trouble with Dad. But, yes I agree - the disengagement will be off when it comes to MY stuff, and MY home and people being disrespected in MY home. My problem, is that being Bio-free, I have a hard time discerning WHAT constitutes the things that I should disengage from. I know it sounds obvious, but what types of things are parenting and what types of things should I address? I am reading like mad, because in the heat of battle she will start getting crazy, yelling and screaming and I just lose it, and become livid with anger, and she knows how to push my buttons, and loves any little excuse to push them. I need "battle cliff notes".
Eeew. Used tampons. SD17 hasn't left used ones that I know of - just the paper wrappers. Makeup all over, products all over.
SD17 is becoming more and more like BM. A sloppy trailer trash degenerate.
That's a great technique -
That's a great technique - Ive only just begun the disengagement. A few months ago, after a very big blowout fight with SD17. I have started asking, when she isn't in the room, but haven't tried "ghosting" yet, and discussing these things when she is there too. Ive blocked her out before, and she hates it.
Puts them BOTH on the spot. Love it. Thank you.
I like that idea, SD as a
I like that idea, SD as a ghost....I am going to have to try this.
I agree there is a difference
I agree there is a difference between being disengaged and a doormat. If it effects you, you address it with DH. He addresses it with Special Snowflake.
Yes. I just feel like if I
Yes. I just feel like if I cant tell her myself then I have become the doormat, rather than disengaged. She has been doing the same thing over a loooooong period of time. Tired of her and her mess, and attitude and all of the stress that comes from being in the same house as her. The BM boyfriend has the same issues, and I have told him to disengage...its the only way to avid all-out war. She goes off the deep end with her temper any time someone challengers her (non-parent), and I just don't want her drama.
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from. It sucks. If your DH wont stop her and parent her, you're up against a wall sadly. She sounds horrid and I'd be hard pressed to keep my mouth shut too. I think you need to have a serious discussion with your DH about boundaries and what you will and will not put up with, and if he can't be that person to enforce those for you with HIS kid, then you may need to walk. It's never as easy as it sounds, and I'm sorry you're in this situation.
Also, I'd be a bitch and box up all the dishes, pans, utensils, everything she uses, and put it where she cant get to it. I hide food, and wouldn't hesitate to hide the other stuff if pushed. Hell, I hide my mixer and baking stuff already so she doesn't use it and mess it up.
Your mixer? Wow, kitchen
Your mixer? Wow, kitchen stuff is precious. I would be livid. Thank you for your empathy - it is much needed, as no one else understands.
I tried the hiding thing, after SD17 kept leaving all her "beauty crap" out on the bathroom counter. I just told her please put your stuff away next time, here it is. It worked for that, she now puts it all away, and now she just leaves her bathroom stuff out of shower caddy. I can deal with that, however the rotting food in dishes I feel is something that my sweety will have to continue dealing with. I am definitely at the point where I am wanting to just leave it all behind me. And I CANNOT LIVE WITH THIS BRAT FULLTIME.
I totally get it, and I say
I totally get it, and I say the same thing very often. It is grueling, thankless and just a huge PITA. Just stay on your DH to handle it, and fingers crossed he does.
Yeah, my good KitchenAid mixer, bowls, all the good stuff. She thinks everything in the house is hers. Boy is she wrong.
BOTH SD's have that thing of
BOTH SD's have that thing of "if its here in the house, it must be OURS". Im like, this isn't YOURS it is mine, or it is your fathers - he worked for it, he bought it and he paid for it. Your clothing and toys are YOURS, That's it. Thankfully none of the SD's really cook, unless I ask them for help. One of the things I enjoy with SD10 is teaching her cooking stuff. We haven't gotten past guacamole and pasta with shrimp in alfredo sauce yet. But mixing bowls OFF LIMITS. HARD LIMIT.
Thanks - crossed fingers and toes, and nose hairs too.
So you do not have children
So you do not have children of your own. That is certainly not an excuse. If that point comes up remind DH that if he had a room-mate who continuously didn't contribute to keeping the place tidy and didn't pay rent he would not feel so complacent and OK with it.
Just because he thinks one day his daughter will turn around and be a nice friendly helpful daughter doesn't make it a certainty. As an example my daughter told me SS was the go-to person at high school for MJ. I mentioned it to DH. He spoke to SS and of course SS denied it and was very indignant (a little too much for my opinion) and wanted to know who even THOUGHT of saying something like that. DH has a law enforcement background and can spot a liar at 100yds. But when it comes to his own ... not so much. It took a criminal case 18 mths later and time in rehab for SS to turn his life around.And he has 180o.
It often takes hitting rock bottom for these kids to find the fortitude to climb out of the stench they create to resurrect their lives. Your DH will only have to face the truth when you are no longer the buffer. I really think these men and women use the step spouse as a muffler for how awful the situation really is. Until you are out of the way he will not actually see her for who she is at this point in her life.
You know I've been there and
You know I've been there and am doing that with SD13.
Luckily she's not a thief...and still has a door.
Rotting food and my dishware:
* I was ALL OVER DH for the rotting food issue and did not let it drop. He could get annoyed with me as much as he wanted but I didn't let up. It's gross, dirty and can attract pests. The last I ever said about it was that if anything happens (damage, pests, etc.) due to the dirty state of SD13's room, HE is the one financially and time involved. I will have nothing whatsoever to do with it and I've not said a word since.
* I put away my good dishware in boxes. I replaced some items with thrift store stuff; which is pretty awesome actually. If dishes are left out and not cleaned up w/in 24 hours I pick them up. wash them and box them up. If no one else cares, no one can use them. We're running out of glassware for the SECOND time in 2 years.
* I did buy paper plates and bowls at one point this summer. DH hated it. But I told him so long as I'm the one who has to endure dirty dishes that no one else does, no one gets to use dishes any longer. That actually solved it and DH has been pretty good since then about making sure dishes are cleaned up - he knows I'll do it again.
General mess:
* Cleaning up SD13's room for her, scorched earth policy 2x, didn't work. Making her do it didn't work. DH doing it with her didn't work. Because she doesn't care. See above for DH having ALL responsibility for it and I walk away. This includes stained carpeting, ruined furniture, broken lamps.
* I had to retrieve the cat out of her room last month I think. Found a used pad just laying there in her dirty underwear (oh, she doesn't ever do laundry at our home, she wears dirty clothing all the time). When SD13 and DH returned home, I lead them both down there to look at it, and some tupperwear filled with moldy smelly food (you could smell it) next to it and told them both that this was unacceptable and will NEVER happen again. SD13 was mortified as was DH. He asked her "Do you understand why this is bad?" He just got a nod.
* Part of this is due to DH, he doesn't understand when something needs cleaning himself because he was never taught. I mean, he'll put the bread knife back in the knife drawer after using it b/c it "looks clean." I had to remind him cleaning the SDs bath means also changing out dirty towels, cleaning up toothpaste droppings and cleaning out SD13s cupboard that she uses as a trash can.
* I hired a cleaning person this past summer to clean their bathroom. DH paid for it. He hated me having to do that and has been cleaning it himself since then, with minor grumblings about having the SDs help him - someday.
Find your comfort zone. What can you live with and what is your absolute rule?
Example: Things left out in living area for 24 hours is ok. But after that, I throw it way.
My So is very neat, clean and
My So is very neat, clean and tidy. He thinks her sloppiness is an illness, that she is mentally unstable. I think she acts like that because she has learned it gets her off the trouble wagon. Acting fagile and mentally unstable is part of her "victim act". I hate it when she acts like that, and her father tries not to let her do it, and tries to get her to clean up. She has started doing her own dishes (for the most part), so baby steps.
My absolute rule is to be respected in my home. And stuff left out - gets put away before tv goes on, or before settling into makeup videos. Dishes - everyone washes their own dishes. I plan on having SD17 help me with ALL cleaning, even places she doesn't use, if she decides that she wants to live with us full time.
Funny story - this Sunday was her mothers day, but she wanted to stay and do laundry, basically hang with us. We said "sure, but you will be picking weeds while you wait for laundry to be done." She said "oh thats ok, I don't need to do laundry then."
WEll, she had to wait for her auntie to come by and pay her for watching grandma, and while she waited she took a shower, and was watching makeup vieos. Well, you can bet that her father had her picking weeds with me!!! LOL. She thinks she is so clever. Im going to have her working every day she is with us, and then if she decides to live with us full time, that's just more help I will be getting!!!!
SO knows of my evil plots, and is with me. Hopefully she will be the lazy entitled person I know her to be, and will opt for living with mom fulltime instead.
My SO thought that by taking
My SO thought that by taking the door off, that she would be more inclined to keep her room clean - kind of like "room shaming", and that she cant lie about cleaning, because she is visible. I supported his decision - it is his daughter, punish her how he sees fit. I'm ready for the door to go back on. But don't look forward to her creating dirt and mess.
I agree with this
I agree with this somewhat.
However, it'll only work if her DH will work with her on this.
I can sit and talk with my DH until I'm blue in the face and he'll say yes, great ideas and yes, I should do that and yes, I'll talk with her but nothing ever happens. Because DH in the end, doesn't want to try.
OP does need to learn to not react, not say anything.
Ignore.
Find her sweet spot of what to disengage from and how to tell her DH, nicely, what she will no longer be doing.
YES - put that door back on.
Slow Burn!!!! Yes, indeed,
Slow Burn!!!! Yes, indeed, because we do not currently have a positive relationship, everything she does is causing my temper to flare.
I just wish SO would stand by the house rules - it is very discouraging. And not allow eating in the bedrooms. Shes like a rodent.
I myself like having family meals together. Its just not how SO conduct himself, although he will do it occasionally to please me. Baby steps.
Yes, things got pretty hard
Yes, things got pretty hard last week - my SO had a horrible melt-down, because of his past, and my pushing about his daughter and how she has offended and hurt me in the past few months. Not to get into those details, but Ive decided to make ME happy and see where things land after SD17 turns 18.
I proposed an idea to him - that if she decides to live with us full time, that she will be working on chores and truly helping us around the house. Sunday I had SO require her to help me pull weeds in the backyard - not as a punishment, but for the following reasons:
1. To give her a small taste of what will be expected if she decides to join our household.
2. To try to repair our relationship, and build some positive energy
It worked!!! And it was a positive experience for both of us.
I have tried the weekly meeting route and was shot down. My SO is a man of few words and does not like "discussing" things. But after presenting my "ideas" about having SD17 work on helping us around the house cleaning etc, I required him to follow my lead and have her help out, rather than hang out in her room all day.
Im going to reward her for being positive and helping out, and ask SO to put her door back on.
I personally will not live in
I personally will not live in filth. If people remember me under my old screen name, I had filthy adult SD. After she moved in with us I only survived a year. Dad refused to make her clean so I left my ex and his filthy kid. I'll not live in filth under no circumstances. Total deal breaker
I hate living with
I hate living with filth....
Aergia also does the rotten food in her room, but she still has her door, we simply close the door, I give a shyt...
her stuff in the rest of the house - I simply trash - I give a eff....
I like doing it... I moved out lol and I know she's trying to claim the house, but I'm not allowing it. SO keeps on using poison spray for the ants and flies, now I've banned it from their house and I said... if there's not rotten food we will not have a problem... SO is having the war every night for her to bring down her dirty dishes and clean it...
I hate seeing her cook
I hate seeing her cook something and take it into her room, because I know it will be a whole ordeal to get the dishes back and washed. I am anxiously waiting for the door to go back on. I suggested it, and SO said "one more week". I will be glad - then I do not have to see her much when she is at my house. She used to be a horrid "couch camper", but SO put a stop to that. Piles of crap on the living room table, blankets and clothes and shoes on the floor around her while she lazes on the couch.
That's awesome you moved out. I am working towards having that option. Problem is I am spoiled because we have so much room! I have my own living room, and its completely separate... with a word-burning fireplace. As to claiming the space - she's such a girl!!! your Aergia. A real woman knows that to truly claim a space, you love, nurture, take care of and CLEAN the space, improving it with your presence.
