Good morning, I hate you...
This morning while SO and I were in bed, enjoying our morning coffee, Winona SD18, decided to argue with Dad-dee about leaving lights on (she did) and leaving TV on (she more than likely did). I decided to drop in (hey, shes in my bedroom, arguing first thing in the morning, this is what you get!) and give my 2 cents worth, noting that she was the last one up, so who else left lights on??? And even if she did not - as the last one up, she needs to go through the house and turn everything off.
She did not like this, to say the least, so she decided to get vicious and disrespectful, and turn my bedroom into WWIII. "No I did not CLOVE, I know what I did!" (as she is knocking on her noggin, using her brattiest tone) I used my 'big voice', and told her flat-out "Do NOT be disrespectful to me, not ever!"
That lit the proverbial barrel of gunpowder!
Winona: "Well, you are disrespectful to me, you don't even treat me like a human!"
CLove: "Ok, fine well give me an example of how I dont treat you like a human being? I always ask you 'please' when I ask you to take of your shower things or dishes."
Winona: "Its not that. That time you were drinking, and clapped your hands at me and my sister, and told us to get up its time for bed!"
CLove: "Ok, like over a year ago, when no one was listening to me?"
Winona: "I was just protecting my sister from you" (the same sister who tells me that she feels scared of Winona...)
CLove: "ok, so you would like to talk about disrespect, you want to talk about October right now? We can all sit down together and talk about it later, if you like!"
Winona: "Your such a b!tch to me ALL the time, you are always a b!tch."
SILENCE from SO. Winona runs to room, shuts door.
Last October was what prompted me to join this group of lovely people, looking for hope, help, and empathy. My previous blogs tell the whole story ad nausea, but the upshot is that she said some VERY nasty things, was very aggressive and vicious, and further, was NOT sorry, lied and told BM I was responsible for saying everything she said, and then told her father, who had been there through it all that HE was lying too.
So, I spoke to her through her door, knowing she was a captive audience, and couldn't go anywhere, and said the following:
"I am sorry if you feel that I don't treat you like a human, but what I have actually been doing is called DISENGAGEMENT, because I really want nothing to do with you any longer, I want to keep my distance."
Winona: "Go away. I want you to go away forever, I never want to see you again, ever. Go away now."
CLove:"Ok, I will do that, eventually (we hope to move away soon to a smaller home, and place her somewhere else, away from us...) but for right now, you will still have to deal with me. I would love to go away from you forever..."
Thats how my morning went.
New job is heaven!!!! She is utter h@!!
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Yes, indeed! I was
Yes, indeed! I was THINKING:
"Youre an adult now, no one is holding you captive, you can go wherever, and whenever you like. And never see me again!"
Thanks everyone, for pointing out what is now obvious to me. I allowed her to tell me to go away in my own home. That wont happen again.
SO stayed quiet, but listening because if she tries to cry "you are choosing CLove over your own daughter!!!!" ever again, it doesnt hold any water, ever. I prefer standing up for myself, and just standing my ground and letting her know that she will not disrespect ANYONE EVER in our home. Period.
SO is still looking to place her, either at her grandmothers house or an Aunties house. If she cant handle things she always can go elsewhere without being "on the street" or whatever. SO doesnt want to look like a terrible father, and this has been an ongoing battle, even before I "came on board", so the family knows she has problems. She acts like the victim, but she really has a good life and she has everyone taking care of her, always a place to go to, even places that are nicer than our home!
"Winona: "Your such a b!tch
"Winona: "Your such a b!tch to me ALL the time, you are always a b!tch."
SILENCE from SO. Winona runs to room, shuts door."
Ummm... If a skid called me a b!tch and MY SO opted to do nothing about it ...there would be huge consequences for him.
Little Ms. Big Mouth 18 year old needs to find a new place to live and I would never EVER do another thing to help her out - NOTHING !
Hence: all my issues. She is
Hence: all my issues. She is allowed to run amok.
And that is why I am here.
And working towards an independence that will allow me to move, be the head of my own household and call ALL the shots.
No one calls me a name and tells me to go away, in my own home, without direct consequences. SO just tells me that I have to just wait, until he can "place her away with a relative". And that I should just "be aware of the fact that I have to deal with a horrible teenager", and thats that.
No consequences.
This is at least the second
This is at least the second skid in the last few weeks who has called SM a "bitch" and the DH has done nothing about it. This is beyond my understanding. My DH would be that in a minute.
Clove, I know you can stand up for yourself, but in this case your DH should have taken some sort of action. I'm with everyone else, invite her to move out or quickly change her attitude.
SuperJew, I acknowledge her
SuperJew, I acknowledge her existence but that is it. I rarely speak to her about anything personal anymore. Yet I was very supportive of her at graduation, sent everyone photos, including her, and no thank you ever.
Provoking this person is very easy. Like you said, all you really have to do is speak to her and so it goes. Esp if she is on her period, then she feels free to let loose whatever she wants.
The older she gets the more like her mother she acts. All the "duh"s, and "dont you get it through your head" - just like when her mother is talking down to her boyfriend. Her mothers daughter.
My SS called me a bitch once.
My SS called me a bitch once. Once. DH slapped his face so fast, he never saw it coming. I'm one of the lucky ones. DH puts me first above everyone.
I would so love to have
I would so love to have issued some type of consequences, but I was running late for my new job!
"this girl is bad news".
"this girl is bad news". Nobody - that is why I am very careful when alone in the house with her, and very much on my guard. It is tiring, but I know with my new job/career improvement, that there is a light at the end of this dark, toxic tunnel.
SO knows that she is toxic, knows that she is drama queen, but when she is laughing and happy and everything is peachy, he is happy too. I know it is hard for him, and he has never touched her physically, never ever, and yet, she has accused him of being abusive.
She is more than just bad news.
But she is not worth it. Not worth the struggle, not worth the pain, not worth losing the relationship over.
I am going to work hard, make this job a success, and see what happens. SO promised that when she turned 18, things would be different. Then it was when she turned 18, and graduated, things would be different.
I wish wish wish that SO would step up to the plate and tell her "well, since you have disrespected CLove, you have disrespected me. You do nothing to contribute, its about time that you pay rent. $450 plus bills and you buy your own food. Otherwise you have just been given your 30-day notice to find another place to live."
I sure hope your SO is paying
I sure hope your SO is paying at least 2/3rds of the household expenses since he wants his bratty 18 year old adult living there . I also hope you will be saving money now that you have a great new job!
He does pay the expenses, I
He does pay the expenses, I pay my own, plus buy groceries and sundries and spend time maintaining and cleaning the household, as well as extensive yardwork. I cook the meals, I do a little child care for the 11 yo. I definitely contribute, and will save, so I can move as soon as possible when the right place appears. This dream job will be my solace during this dark time, and I will definitely rise like a phoenix very soon!
Im pretty steamed at his head
Im pretty steamed at his head in the sand "I dont want to talk about it or hear about it" mentality. The only thing we argue about is her.
Ive never had to deal with this kind of thing before, so I am unequipped, but learning. There WILL be repercussions, one way or another.
I do not advocate screaming
I do not advocate screaming at her, and for God's sake do not slap her silly no matter how much she deserves it. But you do not need to muffle the content of your words.
She's an adult. Fell free to inform her in a moderated, calm voice what a disgusting, worthless POS she is and why. Cut her off at the knees with calm, non-profane language. You are the adult - in my mind that means surely you can outwit her. Your being the adult does not mean you let her get away with murder - it means you verbally murder her.
Me - I'd drop her ass off at a shelter, block any contact, and never look back.
ETA: Good luck with the new job.
Nope - I never use profanity
Nope - I never use profanity and I dont yell (anymore, its been a VERY long while and now I just get very calm) and I absolutely never get physical (unlike her mother!!!). Shes a tantrum thrower and I would LOVE to have my say to the brat, when she starts yelling and making crap up and twisting things. Baby steps, I stood up for myself, told her she cannot be disrespectful. I will make her life VERY uncomfortable and she will not enjoy living with me, I can assure you.
My mind is processing everything I am reading here. It has helped immeasurably. I will decimate with my mind. And do a spectacular job at my job.
Thank you!!!!
CLove, I just want you to
CLove, I just want you to know that you're doing wonderfully with what you have to deal with.
Thank you Momjeans. Its not
Thank you Momjeans. Its not over yet, but we are having a "calm spell" right now, so at least I can breathe a little bit.
You are a good SM
You are a good SM CLove....
Walking into the room and seeing the brat in my room: WTF are you doing here, get out...
Winona: You do not treat me like a human
ME: Cause you are not one, you live like a pig,
Winona: You are disrespecting me
Me: No bitch I treat you the way you treat other people in this house..
Winona: I'm looking out for my sister
Me: Oh the one that's scared when you are close, the one who's cloths you steal, the one with manners who likes me, the one I protect against you?
Winona: Go away for ever...
Me: Pack your shit and leave and I will be away forever.. move back to your useless mother and you will never have to see me again....
YES! These are the things I
YES! These are the things I should have said, but for some reason I get very tongue-tied during confrontations. But having a plan always helps. Along with knowledge of the triggers.
She is 18, nobody needs to
She is 18, nobody needs to find a place for her, she can find one herself. Your SO needs to tell her to start looking and be out by such-and-such date. And not some ridiculous 3 months from now, either, but SOON.
Your SO just stays silent so she won't think he's taking your side? She's being just as disrespectful to HIM, so maybe he can take his own side and tell her what's what in his own home.
Why does he give her so much power? Oh, so he doesn't look like a terrible father? I have news for him, he is being a terrible father.
Geez... what a way to start
Geez... what a way to start the day...
I'm evil SM... anyone talk to me like that in my home, it's going to be their last day in my home.
Some years ago, when my bio
Some years ago, when my bio had just turned 12, dared to attempt to get physical with me when I was going to take away his phone, as a consequence for something really stupid he did. He was sitting on his bed. He refused to give it to me, so I went to grab it, and he leaned back and lifted his leg up as if he was gearing up to kick me. I raised an eyebrow, and moved in to take the phone... and he swung towards me with his leg. I had to deflect it with my arm, or he would have connected.
The little turd was on his knees so fast - I grabbed him by the ear and brought him to the floor by applying a little twisty pressure. He immediately handed over his phone while saying I'm sorry I'm sorry.... he knew he was in deep doodoo at that point.
Scary deadly calm I told him that I will not tolerate that bullshit in my home. I demanded his house key... then I held him by the ear all the way out of his room, down the stairs, and out the front door as I told him he could walk to his dad's. Before I closed the door I tossed his sneakers outside...and then I locked the door.
Once I closed the door I called his dad, told him what happened, and his dad was on board with the drastic consequence. I didn't tell him he couldn't come back, I didn't say he was kicked out, didn't say how long he had to leave, nothing..... I simply told him I won't tolerate that bullshit in my home, removed him from my space, and told him to walk to his dad's. It was up to him to make the connections and do the right thing.
A few days later he knocked on my front door. He kept his eyes down, and apologized for having tried to hit me. Went into pretty good detail about why he was sorry... but couldn't look at me in the eyes. When he was done, I told him that if he ever did that again, it would be a permanent removal. He acknowledged that. Then I told him I loved him, but sometimes tough love is better. We hugged, he cried, we moved on.
Since that day, he's not even really talked back. Gotten snarky a few times, but never totally out of line... and knocked it off and apologized with just one look from me. He remembers that day well, it seems... and it seems he learned a couple important lessons about how not to treat people.
Don't get into it with this
Don't get into it with this nimwit.