I left dh today, don't know which way to turn
Sat here in a hotel room with a glass of wine and a headache from hell. It hit the fan again today. Feel like I'm going nuts. Am I the only one who feels this situation is effed up? Deadlines come and go and the SD is still at the house, no plans to leave, dh told her she had to be gone in "two to three weeks"! What a weird thing to tell her. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place I get it. He's told her he wants her out of his life, that's a step forward but " she can't afford to move". How long do I put up with this? I do love my husband but he didn't try and stop me leaving, just said he didn't want me to leave. I'm exhausted from it all.
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Give him space of you want to
Give him space of you want to try and make it work. I have no back history but it feels like he's trying to launch the child while worried about her future.
It's not at all fair to you if you are facing any negativity from this. Maybe give him a call in the morning if you like and ask him what the plan is. If not then take some time to figure out what you do want.
I guess if I stop drinking, I
I guess if I stop drinking, I might stop crying. Just a thought.
Sometimes crying helps a lot.
Sometimes crying helps a lot. Take it one step at time and if necessary one minute at a time. Right now you are in a safe place just to be. I have spent many a nights in a hotel alone, because my dh at the time, now my ex, prioritized his middle aged ds. He just would refuse to join me, as he needed to be available for his ds 24/7, or to watch a game with him, or to have lunch with him, he even spent our first day of husband and wife with his ds. At our wedding dinner his ds asked to watch a game with him the next day. My dh did not have the heart to tell him no. He definitely had the heart to tell me he was busy on our first day as husband and wife.
Nurture yourself tonight. Take a nice warm bath and watch a good movie. Tomorrow morning you will feel better and will know what to do. Hugs!!!
Somehow posted to the wrong
Somehow posted to the wrong post.
Has DH required anything of
Has DH required anything of her like her paying rent while she's been living w/him? Has he done anything to help ease her into the launch or has it just be a long cycle of enabling and now get out? Personally I don't think it's right for parents to just toss their kids out without preparing them to live independently on some level.
Most of us growing up had a part time or weekend job and had to buy some of our things. Nowadays kids just get everything handed to them then parents get fed up and tell them to get out. Is there any way that DH could help her incrementally? Like paying half her rent for 6 months then each month paying less and less for a year. Could/would she live w/roommates? Join the peace corp or go away to college? She's obviously getting a good deal (too good) living w/daddee and doesn't want the pain of having to actually manage her money.
I'm sorry you've been pushed out of your home due to DH's inability to deal w/his grown child
This is what I was going to
This is what I was going to say. I did this with my own DS.
Make up a time line for steps to launch her. Give her support while also pushing her independence. Also ask you DH if you can work on this as a team.
If your SD has never had responsibility, this allows her to start gaining responsibility without the overwhelming feeling of just pushing her out.
I'm doing this w/my DS too,
I'm doing this w/my DS too, He'll be 21 this month. He is required to work, pay $200 in rent, buy his own toiletries and any extras or snacks he wants. He'll also start paying his car insurance starting next month. He lived w/his father for 2 yrs after High school and did nothing, daddee took care of everything then daddee got tired of him and sent him to me. Love my kid and tossing him out is not an option. I will help him but not enable. My foot is planted firmly up his @zz and if he doesn't like it he can find his way in the world on his own.
Hugs to you! I'm so sorry
Hugs to you! I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I agree with the poster above. Take your time. Get your feelings out. Then figure out what you want out of your husband/relationship.
But take time to work through your emotions. Enjoy the safe space you are in right now. You don't have to make any big decisions today or tomorrow. Get your emotional strength back first.
cry as much as you want to
cry as much as you want to and finish that wine, you will feel better tomorrow.
find yourself a nice cosy little one bedroom place and move in there, then tell DH.. I have space for you .... sell the house and move here, this way there's no place for SD.
I mean how can she not afford living on her own, paying rent etc, she can find a job, maybe 2 work 45 hours a week if she has to, stop spending money on entertainment and start being responsible, but as long as he coddles her and does not mean what he says, she will not lift a finger.
How old is this failure to
How old is this failure to launch? Does she have a job, is she making any effort at all to try and launch? Has she ever launched, or did she leave and come back?
SD is 23. When I married the
SD is 23. When I married the dad she was 15. She lived with us EOW. Dropped out of school. Went to live with her bm permanently when she was 18. Met a guy, moved in together, didn't work out. Moved back to her bm, still stayed over some weekends. Always had behavioral problems, stealing, lying, boys over, breaking stuff, breaking house rulee etc. All during this time, I helped her with mom stuff because her bm was only interested in herself and isn't very bright.
SD ended up moving up North to live with her sister. Plan was for two years, save money, moved back here, work for dh and eventually take over his business. Two years later she moved back down (with new boyfriend), arranged to stay with us for week, then move into trailer on bm's property. Waited til nearly midnight the day she drove down for them to her here. Couldn't get in touch with her, they didn't turn up, so we went to bed. Next easy, they turn up.."oh, we just decided to go straight to the trailer". Really? No apology.
Two weeks later begged dh to move in with us. Trailer didn't have AC, cable etc. Dh asked me. I was confused because I understood from our numerous conversations when she was up north, that she had a plan, she was saving, to hit the ground running when they got here. Anyway I agreed, on understanding it was to save first and last month's rent for somewhere. She works for dh, as does boyfriend and SS. Moved in June 10. Aug 30, we tell them Sep 30, be gone. Sep 30, still here. No money, can't afford it. Three cars between them. His is paid for, she has two, upside down on loans, so 'can't' sell one or both, and 'won't'.
Dh needs help at work. I feel for him. Health not great. If he fired her, consequences... Boyfriend might leave, he's a really good worker, SS may or may not leave, he's good worker too but had lots of behavior problems with him too.
He is in a difficult situation, we both are.
SS been working on a house, owner says he can rent it when its done. SD can move in. Supposed to be ready mid Sep, then end Sep, then two weeks, now three weeks. SS is in no hurry to move from his place, stays with other SS, pays no rent. SD pays no rent..can't afford it.
We just want our house back! The friction and stress in the house is awful, which is why I had to get out. I'm chronically ill, stress makes it real bad. Im hurting emotionally and physically... doesn't help this hotel bed is hard as the road.
Dh told SD he didn't want her in his life anymore after the discussion they all had about me...see earlier postings. She is crying all the the time at home and work.
And all that ^^^^^ is just the stuff that comes to mind right now, there's more for another day :?
Why can't they move back to
Why can't they move back to the trailer?
Can he keep a percentage of their pay as a forced savings?
Your DH would be better off
Your DH would be better off paying for cable and installing an air conditioner in the trailer! What the hell?? And why does she have TWO cars with loans?? what kind of idiot bank financed two cars in a 20 something year old's name??
Wow, I totally see why you left! This is beyond ridiculous that your DH is allowing this nonsense.
He let them move in because
He let them move in because the trailer didn't have A/C or cable? That is so ridiculous.
How does he want her to take
How does he want her to take over business but also 'out of his life'. You mean out of his home? Time to move back in the trailer...ac is not needed now this time of year...cable it not necessary if you're saving money. It's actually a pretty easy solution.
My understanding is the
My understanding is the trailer got sold. No AC in 100 degree GA heat, although its just in 90s now. Taking over business was her idea, he said if things work out, they'd talk about how that might happen. Never gonna happen now. She doesn't make enough to have him hold any back. Two car payments, two car insurance payments. Tried helping her find a different job, no luck.
I'm guessing if he doesn't get in touch, he's chosen her over me. It's my house now, because I refinanced it when we met because he was in financial trouble due to bM's antics. Guess I need to get it valued. Just sad.
Time to sell your house and
Time to sell your house and move into a 55+ condo community. "Awww SD can't move in w/us...sooo sad." I grew up in AZ, lived in a trailer/bus and we didn't even have electricity. SD would have survived and could have hooked up a fan or something.
I hope you can use this time to get your life and thoughts together. It's your home make her leave one way or the other. Set up a tent in the back yard, anything.
He could have bought her a
He could have bought her a window A/C unit and it would not have cost him what letting her move in has.
Take over the business? She cannot even figure out how live on her own. :?
Doesn't her BF live with you
Doesn't her BF live with you too?
If there's nothing to hold back from her pay, then hold back from his. Call it rent!
What a ridiculous situation.
I'm so sorry, WhoAmIGA - big
I'm so sorry, WhoAmIGA - big hugs to you.
So, I left Wednesday, it's
So, I left Wednesday, it's Friday. No contact from him other than a missed call before 7am today...no voicemail. Slept in the car last night, hotel room Wednesday but messed up bookings and finances so didn't end up getting a room last night, just too tired to arrange it all. Booked a room through airbnb for next 2 night, been driving/parking around all day. Went back to house briefly (knew they were gone because I get texts when house security has been set on/off) to get few changes of clothes (and my gun...never know where I'll end up if money runs out). Their stuff was all still there, no signs of packing so my guess is they're staying. Guess that means it's over. If I cry anymore I won't be able to see, lol! Face is horribly puffy, keep forgetting to take meds and can't think straight. Don't have any friends. This will get better, I know, just right now, life is really hard. Thanks for all the hugs, need them.