Following because I am having a lot of these same issues.

(((HUGS)))

I couldn't get over the "two kids I never wanted" comment. He is obviously resenting a lot right now, but could this be the root issue? Were both the kids unplanned?

I think I’d be planning my exit based on the children comment alone. Some things once spoken cannot be taken back.

Keep going to counseling. Keep doing the things that nourish your soul. Keep taking the little ones out into the world.

Your DH sounds like a big man baby.
Where does he think those extra two kids came from? He was there too. He must have enjoyed the sex since he whines he does not get enough now.

After a comment like that one I would have no interest in sex with the person who said it. They would have to do some major overhaul on their attitude and major amends to make up for such a hurtful thing.

Stop planning the date nights. He can do it or there will be none. Maybe he feels emasculated in that you take charge and do all the planning. Maybe he just wants the sex without the dinner and the movie. Whatever...too bad for him. He needs to step up and be a good husband and father to all his kids.

Do not give in to his silent treatment. Do not let him communicate thru the kids. That is all abusive behavior. Tell him to look you directly in the eye when he talks to you. Anything else he says is to the wall. You are his wife. Demand he gives you the respect by talking to you to your face. If he wants to be silent then fine....go on about your life. Do not give him the attention he is seeking with this abusive treatment.

Sit him down and explain that you do not wish to raise your littles with the example of silent treatment as a way to handle family conflict or issues. Do this at the counseling appointment. Rinse and repeat as it takes time to change behavior. Change your own. Let him work on his.
It does not get better on its own. Trust me on this one. I divorced a man who used this tactic. Only regret is I didn't leave him sooner.

Go forth and live your authentic life!

Sounds exactly like my ex (minus the bio children). He was very controlling. I had to spend all my time with him or be available to spend time with him. Not allowed to do anything on my own. He would also give me the silent treatment for days on end.

He ended up waking me up at 2am and kicking me out because I created a Facebook page. I hadn't friended anyone yet or posted anything. Apparently, I was on the computer without his permission and he waited until I fell asleep and checked up on me. It was the best thing to every happen to me.

Freedom is very sweet. I'm not saying you should leave your DH, but he is showing clear signs of controlling behavior. He can do/go where he wants and you have to be home and at his beckon call. Not cool.

The comment about the babies is WAY over the top. I hope he doesn't mean it because they will start to feel/see that SD is the favored child and it will negatively affect them.

I would suggest counseling. Was he cheated on my BM? Where the babies planned (even if not, that comment was not ok).

I'm sorry you are going through this. I remember the feeling of walking on egg shells because my ex wouldn't like something and ignore me for days on end. It sucks.

"And he said, "ever since you had 2 children that I never wanted, yes."

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

THIS is what I would bring up in the next counseling appointment. IMHO, your DH - upset for whatever unknown reason - is being nasty to you because his fee-fees are hurt. However, he is not "using his words" to tell you anything. Does he think you are a mind-reader? It is impossible to address/resolve a "hurt" when you have NO idea what the "hurt" is.

And he is using the children to communicate with you. A 2yo, a 3yo, and a 10yo who is there half the time. Terrible. Does he not understand that children pick up on these things?

Stepto, I want to give your DH a Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch. Times 2. {{{hugs}}}

"And he said, "ever since you had 2 children that I never wanted, yes."

A sentence very similar to that ended my marriage with my kids dad. He said "I wish we never had children" - the next day I enrolled in school, finished my BS in less than a year and within 6 months of that I was gone. My mom was one to always say have a plan if you ever leave. Be able to support your kids. I did that, you need to as well. That sentence made my stomach turn. Make a plan, take your kids.

Silent treatment is actually the worst form of emotional abuse. It basically says you're a non person and it's torture.

I want to be super blunt here and its from an observation of reading here over the last couple of months.

For the record, I lived with and was tormented by a sociopath. He did a lot of damage to my heart, mind, and spirit. It literally took TWO YEARS of counseling and self forgiveness to move past what he did to me. I actually did everything humanly possible to stay married to him. I didn't want another divorce and I was embarrassed but my counselor pointed out that I was living in an ABUSIVE situation. He was a pro at silent treatment.

Ok = that being said. So many of you really sweet ladies put up with SO much CRAP. Literally ABUSE is heaped on you with excuse after excuse. Myself, included. I thought his poor upbringing and abusive father made him a sympathetic character. NOPE - what it did was make him a grade a selfish A**HOLE. He was ABUSIVE.

THIS IS ABUSE. Passive aggressiveness is abuse. Cold shoulder is abuse. Withholding emotional and physical love is abuse. Making you capitulate to make things better is abuse. walking on eggshells is abuse. Telling you he didn't want your children is ABUSE. Gaslighting is abuse.

There is something to be said for working on things. But let me point out this as well - not ALL of these BM's are insane. I learned really quickly that the "crazy exes" all had one thing in common - THE A**HOLE. He just about ran me insane. I went from a very happy go lucky girl to a crying, raging mess. Compliments of that turd. There is a reason these guys are divorced and it's not always a crazy, insane ex. Ever wonder how they got that way? How many times did I look in the mirror and wonder how I turned into the horrible mess that I was? Him - I fought with everything I had and it was for NOTHING.

Guess what else, He did it to those before me and he's done it to THREE since me. All of our stories are IDENTICAL. I have a friend who knows THREE of us and him. He said it's like hitting repeat everytime one of us gets away from him.

Love yourself enough to realize you're being treated poorly. LOVE YOURSELF and YOUR CHILDREN. It's abuse.

I feel your pain. It is so hard not knowing what is going to set them off or how they will behave. My ex through out the he never wanted bs10 too. I did fertility drugs so he should have spoken up sooner.

Only you will know if this is worth it.

And he said, "ever since you had 2 children that I never wanted, yes."

Oh my, I really didn't read past this, because this is where I'd be done. What an awful thing to say. To me that statement describes his actions. It sounds like he is resentful of your littles and the fact that he has to watch them when you are doing your "you" things. And he's resentful of having to take them places for activities because again, it's not something he wanted.

Can I ask though? Did he tell you up front that he really didn't want any more kids? If so, I could see having one, but having 2 that close together was probably not the smartest thing to do. But whatever, what's done is done and those are his children. Do you think your DH will grow out of this resentful phase when the littles are a bit older and more self sufficient like SD10 is?

No. I don't think that's a normal marriage. There is no way I would put up with this type of behavior and being treated this way by the man who vowed to love me and honor me. THis is neither love nor honor. No fricking way did you do anything to deserve this sort of treatment. If it were me, I'd be coming up with an exit plan.

Well, communicating with someone who says nothing until they explode is really difficult. It'll be hard on your kids, too. My father was like that, and he created a very emotionally unstable, bullying home environment. The whole family walked on eggshells waiting to see what his mood was that day. And it could change in an instant.

At this point, ofc I know that this isn't normal, but growing up... I thought people don't say out loud what they want, they just get resentful and vindictive when the people around them don't guess correctly. I had some rough times with friendships and relationships until I got some help to develop emotional maturity.

I can tell you that he is deeply insecure and most likely very angry much of the time. I think you can handle that by not taking any of it personally - but if you model not taking him seriously, the kids are going to learn that too... and that will lead to issues. OTOH, you don't want them to believe the hateful things he says when he gets that way either.

I also want to add, calling him to the quality you are not getting might be useful for you in drawing boundaries and giving some clarity to your DH about what you expect.

For example, justice is being fair and seeking a solution so that everyone wins. Your DH suggesting that you should give up all activities that you enjoy to provide 24/7 childcare to your mutual children isn't just. I also suspect he's not being honest; I think he lacks self-control. So when he says something that 'feels' so incredibly aggressive, you can take the 'fight' out of it by looking at what quality he's lacking, and saying so.

"DH, we're partners in life and in this family. I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have a meaningful life beyond you and the kids, and so we need to find a way that I can pursue my interests and friendships outside of the home. I expect you to support my life outside of our family but I can see it is very difficult for you right now. You're going to have to work on showing more self-control, because it's very damaging to our relationship when you do and say things that show me that you don't respect me. I've become more and more cautious about approaching you because I don't trust you to be kind or friendly to me, and I feel very sad about that. I love you and want us to be close."

Hugs to you. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Reading your posts, I have to say man baby came to mind (as someone else said).

You deserve better. I hope you can find it in you to do what you have to do for your sanity and those of your kids.

Because this ‘man’ you are married to never will.

wow, I did not read all the comments cause I'm pissed off now and I'm not even involved with you or your DH

"And he said, "ever since you had 2 children that I never wanted, yes."
I would've said, oh yeah I stole your sperm and got myself pregnant cause you never had sex with me?? Now you complain cause we do not have sex....
eff off and get out bastard.

I would not stop there, I would simply tell him, you drop everything for your daughter, why did you mot marry her? Oh yeah right cause you can't have sex with her and that's all I'm good enough for... go and find yourself a whore, I'm a person and I will make my own friends and I will live my life, if you want to be stuck jumping for your daughter that's your decision not mine, I don't have to, and seeing you never wanted the other 2, why don't you simply move out and get lost, I can be happy on my own with my children, I do not need you....

I swear this would\ve resulted in a divorce in my life, or a serious break up, I would ban him so far from my life that he will never find his way back. Just because his 10 year old daughter and Ex wife is controlling his life, he feels like man by trying to control your life....
He should ignore the BM and start being a parent to his daughter and control her life, not yours, you are an adult....

Bring that up in counseling.....He will never for get that sentence in his life... children I did not want..... oh the therapist will have a field day with that.