Why are BMs so bitter???
I love my SS, and he loves me. The boy is only 3 and he does not know how to reffer me to his friends, so we agreed that if anybody ever asks him who am I he would say Im a "flower." Now, the problem came with his BM.. SHE HATES THE NAME. She is really making things hard for me. I am pregnant now and the boy is SOOOO exited about the little brother/sister he is going to have!! The problem- again- the BM, she says: " its NOT your little brother or sister, its your HALF brother or sister." Why the bitterness??? I love the boy and I just want him to feel welcomed in my house and to see me as part of his family. I dont have a problem with this little extranger being part of my life and he doent have a problem with me being part of his life either, so why does the BM do???? ANY BMs OUT THERE THAT CAN BRING ME SOME CLEARITY??? I love the man I married, and I deserve a family just as the next girl does. Im afraid she could really ruin what we have going on, and quite frankly, its only going to affect one person the most: the little boy, because my husband and I are -truly- unbreakable... whether she likes it or not.
why is the sky blue?
seriously, i have no idea, it just is. these bitter women are jealous, insecure, unhappy, spiteful, manipulative, the list goes on and on. instead of wasting your precious energy (especially since you are now pregnant––congrats!) on wondering 'why,' instead focus on the good parts of your life, your relationship with dh, ss, your new baby, your bright future. unfortunately you may be stuck with a crazy bb forever and you can't allow yourself to get worked up FOREVER, so work on treating her like an ocassional nuisance, nothing more. and if ss grows up to be confused and hurt, manipulated, etc., maybe you should try to go for full custody. maybe even talking to bb about this possiblity could nip it early. good luck and just remember how little this woman means to you, she is nothing to you.
what about all the bad-mouthing!!
Im very new to this whole thing..... I really did not expect this much drama coming from the BM. She calls and tells DH that Im getting "too close" to ss- that I shoul not be ALLOWED to let him be close to me.... she even starts threating DH that if I ever disipline the boy she will make DH life's misserable!! DH says that she just needs to find someone to fill up her empty time with, but - quite honestly- I dont think that "woman" could find anybody.... Anyway, at the end , my husband gets upset, I feel like an outsider on the whole matter and she just gets bitchier and bitchier--=- is it mean to wish her out of the freaking picture sometimes??? Im probably goin' to hell for even saying that.....
Living "her" life
I think Daddy's Gurl hit it on the head. She's so bitter because she never ever planned to split up (I never planned to leave my first husband either!) and now you're getting the best of him - the wiser, more understanding and probably more loving husband she didn't get. And by "didn't get" I mean didn't have AND didn't understand! Plus, you're winning over her baby's heart - look out!!! SS-14 went back to his mom last fall saying how much he loved me and she went ape sh*t. Couldn't believe such an awful bi*ch could be loved by her darling boy - the anchor she dropped to try to save her marriage.
Whatever. You are who you are and she is who she is. If people love you, why on earth should you feel the least bit guilty about that?
Blueberry's Baby
A thought ...
My SS4 and I have the same type of relationship, and he calls me his bonus mom. Thank God his BB hasn't freaked out on BM about that, or him ... but ... we learned something in mediation ... and it's something to think about in your situation ... you can't control what she does at her house, and she can't control what you do at your house.
The only thing you and your DH can do is set your SS up for success, and do what you think needs to be done in YOUR home. If she doesn't like it, and DH doesn't want to deal with it, tell her to take it to court. Unless there is something serious that she could do to make DH's life miserable ... don't worry about it. She will eventually learn.
As for the discipline ... my DH and I have a pretty good system and BB seems to accept it. If the "bad deed" is done to me, I reprimand SS ... DH supports no matter what he thinks, and if he doesn't agree we discuss later when SS is in bed. I do not "spank" SS unless it is absolutely necessary - one day he slapped me, I spanked him in return. Then I went and got DH and he continued with the reprimand. The only reason I did it, is becuase that behavior warranted an immediate response.
DH and BB shoudl talk about what discipline is acceptable for you because things will come up that you will have to discipline him for ... and what is her definition of discipline? Spanking ... unless you use that as regular punishment, it doesn't happen very often. Time outs ... you shoudl be able to give ... taking toys away, you shoudl be able to give. Your SS is young for restriction, but you and DH shoudl discuss that as a couple.
Treat your relationsihp with her as a business arrangement ... and make DH talk to her ... you guys need to find a happy medium. Perhpas co-parenting counseling, or blended family counseling is in order before your little bambino arrives, so He/She isn't affected by the detriment BB is doing to SS.
~ Katrina
I know what you mean....
I am a SM and BM and I had the same situation but on the flip side.... it was my son's step mom that told my son his sister is not his "real" sister.... just his "half sister".... Why would anyone say something like that to any child period? Step parent or Biological parent? Its not right either way. The BM that you are dealing with is obviously jealous....
When my daughter was born we referred to her as her brother's baby.... he would say "my baby" this and "my baby" that... it really stuck as 5 (almost 6) years later he still calls her "my baby".... I would totally ignore BM and focus on getting your SS involved with the baby... start now! If you get an ultrasound picture get a copy for him.... have him help out where he can and reinforce that his sibling is his sibling.... there is not anything "half" about it!
I've been there
Your story sounds just like mine. My SD isn't even allowed to refer to me as her SM. She has always just called me by my first name. She has asked me why she can't call me mommy...and I tell her "mommy" is reserved for a very special person and that is your mommy.
My dh and I have a son and one on the way (congrats by the way) and even if the other side didn't want him to be known as her brother....she knows he is and we reinforce that as much as we can. She loves him to pieces and he loves her. They even look alike. We put our son in the same daycare as SD so that they can see each other everyday (thankfully her grandmother will let her visit everyday)
Things probably won't change with BM but I agree with the others spend your time focused on the good in your life. The fact that you love your SS and he you is a great thing. If you fill your home with love...not even the BM will be able to destroy that. Focus on including your SS in your life and eventually the BM will become just a little thorn in your side that you have to deal with occassionally.
Good Luck
Another side of it could be
Another side of it could be that BM has moved on to someone else and just wants BF to go away. When he refuses, she tries to make his life miserable in the hopes that he will get tired of fighting and go away. BB did this to STBX for a long time. I think that, for her, STBX represented a lot of things that she was trying to forget, and a time in her life that was very dark and negative. (Hey, we have something in common.) She has always said that she never wanted to be a mother but STBX forced her (not physically but emotionally) to have SS and now she has to live with it. I think her words were "I love SS and would never give him up, but he is only here because of you." So...what can she do to get back at him? Again, make him miserable about it all. Put him through the ringer as much as possible until he can't take it anymore, and then he'll have to back off and mission will be accomplished. Today, BB is remarried and had another baby, and part of me thinks that she just seems miserable and blames her entire reality on STBX.
Whatever the reason, I agree that nothing BB can do should be capable of penetrating your family. She will try and try, but never let her get to you. Always know that she is trying to hurt you, trying to get at you...and you should never allow her that. Of course, we all have moments of loss of control, but as long as we regroup quickly and work with DH as a team, unifying against her will work every time. Focus on what you CAN control, not what you can't.
This is exactly how it played out for us...
Once he'd served his purpose, she wanted him to disappear. She played the "let's try to work it out game" long enough to get a new house and a new car out of him, all while seeing someone else on the side, then she told him she wanted a divorce. She remarried and wanted her new husband to be the kids' Dad, even had them call him Daddy. She's denied visitation, phone calls, refused gifts sent to the kids, etc. all to try to exorcise him from their lives. The more DH tries to be involved with the kids, the more of an asshole she becomes. The more we try to bond with them and include them in our family, showing them the love of a father, stepmother, brother and sister, the more she tries to keep them from us. So for us, it was only about milking him for whatever she could get and once she had it all, she wanted him out of her life, which meant out of the kids' lives. I think she was jealous, because I could have more kids with DH while she couldn't have kids with her new husband. Also, her new husband is a substance abuser who beats her in front of the kids, at least that's how it appears from the four police reports I got from their local police dept., and she doesn't want us to know how miserable her life really is. I don't think she still carries a torch for DH, unless she's planning to use it to burn our house down. I just think she wants to pretend he never existed. Oh, except for getting that big CS payment every month.
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Still in love!
From the product of a stepfamily andnow dealing with one of my on...the only time there is a problem with the BM is when they are just totally ignorant...or they are still in love with ex husband...I am divorced and my son's father and I are not friends per say, however we speak about our son and that's it...I don't want anyone he is involved with to feel how I feel with about my fiance's ex....nor would I want for my ex's spouse or whatever to mistreat my son...I would be very happy if he had a stepmom that loved and respected him and vice versa....I loved my stepfather, still do...I call him Dad as well as my bio father...my step father never treated me any different than his own children...since lost my mom...4 yrs. ago....having 2 fathers is the best thing going for me...It can work, but the BM has to have moved on in her heart.
Nice 2 hear CplStv
It's nice hear the opinion of a male......great comments and I agree with you.
Oh, because...
everyone knows that bitter BM's come from Bitter Moms R Us... that's why!
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Well, wouldn't YOU be bitter...
...if you had a broomstick shoved that far up YOUR ass?!
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Oh, that's just funny...
You would think that they should ask for a jar of Vaseline to go with that broomstick...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
YOU GUYS ARE GREAT!!
Thanks for all the feedback!! whoah, this site is really cool! Its nice to know there are people outthere that are going through the same things I am right now - and later. I must admit thought, sometimes I find myself soooo TIRED of this whole situation... especially when I see other couples who dont have to deal with SM or SDs. I was raised by my SD and grandfather, but I dont think is the same ( nor as simplified) as when you have both parents in your life AND a third person trying to make things "normal" once again. I TAKE OFF MY HAT FOR ALL OF YOU GUYS!!!!
SM2007-
"It is now or never"
So, is that why?
I can't get any more cell service in this area?!?!?!? ..... all them damn high flyin b *censor-beep* ches (oh, I mean witches) clogging up the airways....
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Let me Tell you
BM pulled that on my SKIDS this past summer. She told all 3 of my SKIDS that their siblings from my husbands prior marriage was only their "half brother and sister". She failed to mention that her other three children were also "half". My Skids totally resented it because they are not taught halves and steps. We teach them that they are all family including my family. We explained to them yes while they are techinically halves and steps in their hearts they don't have to be. No one thinks of them as halves or steps. They really were angry at BM for saying this and to this day resent it. They mention it once in a while. I told them to start speaking out the next time their mom says something so mean. Not to be disrespectful but just tell them they love all of their brothers and sisters and they don't think of them any less because they are not from the same parents.