Rights after DH death??
My husband is in the Army National Guard. He served 14 months in Iraq and after he came home, he went on reserve. Now he has joined a new unit and is doing drills again. He was told that in the fall his new unit is going on a tour in Iraq. They told him that half the unit will go over and half the unit will stay behind and man the base. So we are yet to find out if he is expected to return there again. My husband has custody of his son and BM sees him every other weekend, but sometimes is unavailable or only wants to take him on "her time". My husband has a $400K life insurance policy through the military. It says that I am to receive all of his belongings and I would get $200K and my SS, being 6 years old, will get $200K from his policy. I hate to even think about anything happening to my husband or even for him to have to go back to Iraq, but now questions have arose in my mind about this. If something were to happen to him, would I have any rights to my SS (whom I've done so much in raising)? Is it possible for him to leave him to me if he passes?
See I know that BM doesn't want him. She expresses to us all the time that she can't control him even when he visits for a night, let alone taking him on full time. And I feel that if there were no money involved she would let me have custody and her still get visitations. But what scares me is that I will not only lose my husband but my son because there is $200K attached to him. And I know my MIL has already said to me that she knows I wouldn't want him if anything happened because he's not my bio kid (not true.. to me he IS my child, I just share him 
) But that she wouldn't want him but she would take him because she would have to. And I know that her life revolves around money. It just makes me feel like there will be a custody battle if something happened to my husband. And it's not for the best interest of the child, it would be for money. And I don't care about money. I know you need it to survive but I was raised very humbly, and to me I just want my SS. I can't lose my whole family. Any advice??
Consult an attorney.
If you live near a base, it's possible base legal could advise you.
I think a lot depends on the issue of actual custody. I understand that your husband has primary physical custody, but does he have sole LEGAL custody? (I'm not talking about visitation or residential custody, but actual LEGAL custody.) If he shares legal custody with BM, then there's not much he or you can do. If he DOES have sole legal custody, as well as primary placement, then he could name you as the child's legal guardian in his absence, incapacity or death. (Base legal can help him with the necessary paperwork.) He can't will you custody of the child, I don't think, but he can name you as the child's legal guardian and it might be possible for him to express his preference for you to be given custody in the event of his death, which a judge then would take into consideration. Unless prevented by a court order, he can even name YOU as trustee for his son's $200k portion of the policy, regardless of who has custody. If his son is made beneficiary in his own right, then BM would control the money by default. If you are made beneficiary for benefit of son or as son's trustee, and if YOU are named as his legal guardian, then YOU have control of the money.
In my DH's divorce papers, it stipulates that he must carry life insurance naming BM as beneficiary. We're okay with that... she has full custody, she'll need money to raise the kids whether he's dead or alive, so that's how it is. But in your case, if there's no order specifying that the son be specifically named as beneficiary or that his mother be named as trustee, then your DH could make you trustee for his son's portion. That would remove the money angle and neither BM nor MIL could use him for those purposes. Taking the money out of the picture should clear the way to resolution of the custody issue.
I wonder if BM would be willing to waive her rights so that you could adopt him? Does she pay child support?
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
In the custody papers it
In the custody papers it names my husband as the custodial parent and that he is the one who is to make all decisions as far as school, doctors visits... etc. Basically every decision is made by him. It says how if BM has SS for visitations and is in work for more than 4 hours, she is to drop off SS to our home and pick him back up after her shift. I'm not sure it just gives my husband all control over SS's life basically. She just gets visitations. See to me the money doesn't matter. I just want to be able to see SS if anything happened to DH. I am afraid that if either BM or MIL gets custody that they will blow his money. DH and I were talking about getting it put into a bond of sort so that it couldn't be touched until he was 18 or 21 but then if something happened and he couldn't be taken care of, we would want whoever would get him to have some access to it to take proper care of him.
In the court papers it doesn't say anything about him having to have a life insurance policy and/or leaving it in BM's name. It doesn't have anything like that in there. And we've talked about me being the trustee over the money, but unless I'm the guardian, I can't be sure of where the money's going, and/or if it really needs to be used.
I know that BM lives with two other people in a 3 bedroom apt. She just left her husband whom was abusing her. She has a child with him as well. When SS goes there for visitation BM, SS, and BM's daughter all share a tiny room and bed. She doesn't own any clothing that fits him. When SS goes for visitation I have to send clothing with him so he has something to wear. And it's not that she doesn't have money, she buys him toys all the time. She just refuses to buy him clothes. And she never bathes him when he's there. It's just I don't think that's a good environment for SS to be in if something were to happen to DH.
BM has talked to us about letting DH and I adopting him. She said how I was a better mom to him and that SS might miss her but that she can tell SS loves me and would be taken care of. Even when something happens to him over at BM's house, she calls me to fix it or help. And BM and I don't have a bad relationship. That's why I really think if money weren't involved she would let me get custody as long as she got to see him once in a while.
And to answer your question she does not pay any child support. She never has. And it's really not worth it to DH and I that we take her to court for it. We take very good care of him, and if she doesn't want to help, that's on her. That's just how we feel.
Chances are slim
Chances are slim that you would retain custody of your SS in the event of DH's death. In the eyes of the court you are a legal stranger and have no rights whatsoever. I would also advise you to seek counsel from a lawyer regarding the current custody situation in the event your husband is sent to Iraq.
It would probably be a fight.....
But if yu start documenting EVERYTHING now; ie BM's comments about not wanting to take SS, BM's living arrangements, the comments about you adopting SS, her request for you to fix the problems at her own house with SS, you may very well have a fighting chance. DH having legal custody MAY help, but legal custody is not parental rights. As long as BM has parental rights she has the ability to fight you for him. Although a will does not mean you automatically get SS if something should happen to DH, it will show the courts DH's wishes which is important since he wouldn't be there to tell his wishes himself. I hope some of this helps.....
Nothing comes easy thats worth fighting for.....thats what they tell me!
Our Attny
Had us put it in the will. He said it "can't hurt" to have my Dh's wishes documented but BM could fight and win. If BM doesn't want your ss then maybe she wouldn't put up a fight if something happended to your DH. Worth a shot I would say.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren