All so new and confusing
Let me start this with a description of my general position and then i will add to it so it doesnt all get confusing. Im 19 atm and have a son who is 6 months old. My sons dad is not on the scene. I have a wonderful partner who I love dearly and he has a daughter who is 8 atm and lives with her mother. I have only been with my partner since May 07 (so at the time i was 8 weeks pregnant).
I have noticed that since i started living with my partner the lines for what is expected of me as a 'step-mum' and what is out of the question have been quite blurred. The visitation before i was around was that my partner would have his daughter every second weekend, pick her up from school on thursdays and take her to school on wednesdays and have half of all holidays. Since I have been around things have changed dramaticly, we still have her every second weekend however Her mother has now decided that instead of paying for a daycare mum to look after her before school it is better if every morning I drive her to school, pick her up on wednesdays and look after her till 6 and also look after her on any sick days that she has off from school. and to top the cake at the beging of the year when my son was only a couple of weeks old the mother called up my partner and told him that she was sending her daughter over to my house for the day to help me with the baby. Now Im sorry but since when does an 8yo child know how to look after a baby better then their own mother does.
Now i could handle all this looking after if I got some respect from my step daughter. Whenever she is under my supervision she does not listen to what i say at all even if it involves to not do something to my son. She totally disrespects me with her attitude some examples of this are when asked to do something her reply is 'I dont have to listen to you because your not an adult', 'your not a mum because you not old enough' 'WHATEVER', when im playing with my child she comes up and pats me on the head and says 'oh arent you a good girl.'
The thing that I dont understand is what type of mind my partner is in because he expects me to look after his daughter everymorning, wednesdays afternoons, whenever she is sick and any other time that we are meant to have her and he cant be home yet I am not allowed under any circumstances to disipline her in anyway when she misbehaves. What does he expect me to do just sit back and take it all. I have tried to talk to him about it but all he says that if she misbehaves then I just tell him and he will deal with it. I have tried to tell him that this will be a hinderance for me to try and build a relationship with his daughter because it is like well when you do something wrong Im telling on you to your daddy.
SO yea i dont really know what the purpose of me typing this i think it is mainly just a venting thing to get the things that have been on my mind for the last 11 months off my chest.
Thanks to all who care to take the time to read and if any decide to reply and give me some advise.
Whoa!
I'm glad you're writing....how old is your BF...you are young but I will tell you this...set some boundaries for yourself and your baby...Make sure you respect yourself first...and his child is 8 years old...if you let her get away without discipline at the time of the incident, then you become in effect worthless. Your BF has to sit down with the child and tell her that while she is in your home you are the adult and is responsible for her behavior. If you aren't ready to take on that roll then expect sass and no one listening to you. Also, did anyone ask you if you wanted to take on the responsiblity of an 8 year old...if not then I guess you better set things straight...you don't have to be rude about it,don't put him in the defensive mode. Just tell him that some things need to change and you would appreciate it if you would be asked first...but if it sets off your BF then I would suggest running, not walking out the door. Literally. Remember you are your own person....no one else can define you.
Hence to fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence, supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.
~The Art of War~
Well first I want to thank
Well first I want to thank you all for your replies. my BF is 34 so there is a 15 year age gap between us. I know it is alot for someone my age but the thing is he has always been there from when i suspected i was pregnant, to when my sons father left me because he didnt want to be a dad even though he has another child already and one on the way now, and from that love grew. When it all started it started out as driving her a couple of days coz my BF had to start work early or something and i didnt mind doing that because i was doing for him so he could spend some more time with his daughter. But then my BF got a promotion so he doesnt see her at all in the mornings or the one afternoon a week i have her so it is no longer a doing it for him as her BM has decided im a cheaper option to her having to pay a daycare mum. One boundary that i have tried to set is that if BM wants me to look after SD or there is a change then i think that I should be the one she calls because my BF is not the one looking after her. Although this arrangement has not happened. After reading all your posts I have realised that i need to stand up for myself in regards to disipline and that i should be able to use the same techniques a childcare worker uses when she is in just my care. I also think that I need to talk to my BF about SD going back to daycare mum because driving her to school everyday is disrupting my sons routine as when i am driving her it is nap time so he is either crying coz he is tired or asleep and when i get home he wont go to sleep because he is over tired. After reading everything I have realised that if my BF and I are to work then he needs to support me in my decisions as it is important for both our children to see because if my son grows up seeing his SS not listening to me then he will think he doesnt and if he sees my BF not supporting me then he will think that is how men treat women. I shall keep u posted on how the decussion goes and what changes have been made.
I have decided that I am
I have decided that I am going to return to work in january 09 because being my 1st child i dont wanna miss out on all those important 1sts that happen in the 1st year. I have done my education in 06 i completed a double diploma in Business and Business management. SO the good thing is that when i do look for a job i already have that behind me.
I agree with Cruella.
She is not your child. She is not even your stepchild. So unless you are given the same consideration that they would give any other daycare provider - meaning payment for your services and the authority to discipline her - then don't do it.
Also, you don't need your partner's permission to discipline his child when she is in your home and in your care. YOU are the adult in your home. YOU get to decide what behavior is appropriate and inappropriate. YOU are in charge. Don't even discuss it with him. If she acts up, then discipline her. If he doesn't like it, then he needs to be the one at home caring for his child. Waiting until Daddy gets home to enforce rules is a joke. First, it'll never happen. Second, because even if he does actually discipline her, it'll be too late passed the event for the discipline to have any meaning. You have to be on-the-spot with discipline. Third, this scenario only sets him up to be the bad guy, so his relationship with her will suffer. Fourth, it tells the child that she doesn't have to respect you because her father obviously doesn't respect you.
This is just wrong on a zillion different levels. Insist on equal rights in your home and refuse to accept responsibility for any child over whom you are not allowed to have any authority.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
You are right it was BM that
You are right it was BM that told her all these things and i understand that her acting up and not listening to me is probably because of her loyalty to her BM. Yes BM is 12 years my senior. So i have the suspicion that even though BM and BF have been divorced for 7 years now because he left her, she wants to get back at him and not allow him to be happy and the easiest way for her to do that is to get her daughter to drive me and his previous GF's away. The problem with the guys my age is that they are all party orientated and are usually just total twats.
I disagree with you about the guys your age AND...
More importantly, why do you feel you need a guy at 19 anyway? Go to college, find a career. You have a child to support, and being dependent on this man is not good for you or your child. Don't rationalize staying so you won't miss your baby's firsts.
This is some tough love 19, but please listen. You and your baby need only YOU. You are capable and will find no greater happiness then to take care of, fend for, and prove to yourself that you can do it!
And btw, about the boys your age...if you're looking to meet young men at a bar, a party etc then yes those are the men you will meet.
How about hanging out at the theatre?
Join a church?
Volunteer for the local habitat for humanity.
Get out there. Get involved. Volunteer. LIVE a full and happy life. Don't settle for a man who likely considers you a child himself. (or is desperate to hold on to his own youth through dating a woman much too young for him.)
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Thank you
I dont feel that i need to be with anyone. I am and always have been a very independant person I dont like feeling that I need someone. I get that from bad things happening to females in my family who depend on males both financially and emotionally. I do however love my partner and so does my son. He really is Daddy to my boy because he has been there since i was 8 weeks pregnant, and was there at every appointment and there to help me in the birth and all. I know that you may think that I am only 19 and should live my life and that he is living his youth through me but the fact is that I am not a typical 19 year old. I never liked parties and from the age of about 13 I always said that the only thing i really wanted to do in life was be a mum and a younger mum at that so that I could relate to my children better and so that in a way i can grow with them as well.
I'd tell the 2 of them
I'd tell the 2 of them you're not the built in babysitter. If they want you to look after her then she's going to have to be respectful, listen to you and you will punish her anyway you see fit. If they don't like it tell them she can go back to daycare.
I completely agree
Take some advice from some older wiser women here. You are being treated like a nanny BUT even nannies get to discipline the children they babysit.
This is a ridiculous situation, and I am sad for you. I think they are completely taking advantage of you.
Do you have family of your own to turn to?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
What do you want?
Please think long and hard about what you want, be selfish.
If your gut is telling you that watching SD isn't right - talk to BF and trust yourself. You need to think of your son and yourself right now. If BF doesn't understand than ask yourself - is this really the kind of relationship I want? If the answer is no make arrangements to get out.
I read "The Single Girl's Guide To Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife" by Sally Bjornsen. I love this book it helped me understand blended families and helped me to set boundaries with FH and SSons. It's become my SM bible - if there is such a thing. It may help you as well.
Oh, and if SD tells you she doesn't have to listen to you cause your not her mom, just tell her that's right - your not my kid, but I still expect you to listen to me as you would a teacher, a grandparent or an aunt or uncle. I've used this phrase with my SSons and it got their attention.
Best of luck.
~BettyRay
She does have a College Degree
And I think that is wonderful that you have achieved that at such a young age. Now if BM is so determined to "drive" you away like she has done with all the ex's in the past why on earth would you watch her kid. Send her back to daycare or whatever she was doing before it is not your responsibility to watch this kid and you should not have to drag your sleeping infant out to drive this kid anywhere. BM would NEVER have done that to SD I bet!!! BUT if there are times that she is around you have every right to discipline her just as you mentioned above as ANY OTHER DAYCARE worker would. Good luck to you!
Sorry!
I thought I read diploma and at 19 thought that meant you had finished high school.
But if you have a degree then that's an amazing accomplishment at your age. (Took me til my 30's to complete my BA.)
I don't mean to sound trivial, I'm sure you love this man. My question is... well why is he with a 19 year old? I can't imagine he wouldn't know at his age and with one failed relationship that you have a ton of living to do before settling down. I know nineteen. I remember it well, it's when I met my first H. I had no way of knowing how much I would try to mold myself into what someone else wanted me to be at that age. I was an old soul. I seemed amazingly mature to adults around me. I dated older men all the time.
But then, in my late 20's I really started to figure out what I wanted in life, and how I wanted to live it. It's an amazing process. And now at 40 I realize how much MORE I understand about life and my place in it.
Nineteen is so young. You already have a baby. My best advice is to concentrate on the two of you. It sounds as though this man is dumping too much of his responsibility in your lap. And your main responsibility is to yourself and your child at this time in your life.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
You Can't always pick who
You Can't always pick who you fall in love with. I met my Bf when i was 18 and he was 27. He has two kids one 11 and one 8 and Together we also have a two year old. My advice to you is that you need to sit down and talk with him about what you are going through. He needs to back you up 100% if he expects you to watch his disrespectful daughter. I hate to tell you this but it doesn't get any easier I have been with my man for 5 years now and i still have a hard time getting them to respect me. Just don't let her get to you. I know that its not as easy as it sounds. I personally would not deal with it if they were treating me like that