What do you do if BM tells the kids if they want to come home during their visitation time they can?
We have my husbands kids here for the summer. It is our court appointed time. BM insists the kids call her at least once a day (which we of course allow-even though she tells the kids they don't have to listen to me since I'm not their mom, etc). I am determined to be the bigger person and just stay upbeat and positive about her.
However, she also tells them how much she misses them, that she has bought them lots of new toys, that she got them new pets and how when they get home they will go to the movies, to the park, swimming, shopping, etc. Then she says "if you want to come home just tell your dad, he will let you." Well what child doesn't want to see their new pet (which their mom won't tell them what it even is until they get home)? I mean come on??? How do you deal with that? I've asked her about it and she says "I never said that." (BTW-I can hear her because my SD likes to talk on speaker phone.) She knows she is lying but absolutely will not admit it and when my husband found out he went nuts and told her if she was going to purposefully try to guilt the kids into leaving our homw to not call them when they are on "his" time.
She still calls and I don't feel like I should keep the kids from talking to her; that just puts me down to her level and enforces the fact that she has already told the kids that I don't want them talking to her. Which I have never and would never say. Yes, I think she is nuts, but she is their mother and I'm not going to NOT allow them to speak to her.
I don't want to kids to miss their mom more than they already do and I just think its hurtful and unfair of her to cause that on purpose. She doesn't have good intentions when she does it, she does it just be a b**tch. She literally told me "I'm surprised y'all even wanted to keep them all of your time since you only get them every other weekend during the school year." Well hell of course we want to keep them? The fact that we see them so little during the year makes our summer time even more precious. I wish she would just butt out and let us enjoy our time instead of filling their heads full of hurt.
I envy the fact that you
I envy the fact that you enjoy their visits. I barely make it through eow visits and lose my mind during her 2 broken up weeks in the summer.
As for BM, what can you do? She's their mom so anything you do could be seen as hostile towards their mom by skids and this will just cause more problems. It would be best if your H could get a handle on it. My H is only allowed to call his kid 2 days a week (court order) when BM has her although the kid can call him anytime she wants. Your H may want to consider ammending the custody orders if BM doesn't back off.
Hmmm???? How about rather
Hmmm???? How about rather than being at home when she calls to talk to them you are at the movies, the zoo, the flea market, the water park, the SPCA helping feed the animals, the city part, hiking on a nature trail, catching bugs or tadpoles or lizards, slip and sliding on the yard, having water balloon fights, or ....
Screen the calls and let BM go to voice mail. The messages will be great proof in court of her PAS and infringing on BioDad's visitation with his kids.
And BTW, the kids don't go home until DAD's visitation is over regardless of what BM tells them.
The kids need to know this.
IMHO of course.
Long shot, but worth a shot!
Long shot, but worth a shot! The kids DON'T want to go back and I find that pretty surprising. My SD said "I wish I knew what my new pet was, but I'll just see it when I go back later." She didn't want to rush home like I thought she would and that really pissed off her BM.
The plain and simple is they want to be here with BD and SM. That shocks me. Not because they don't have fun here, but because they are so young and from my experience the younger they are the more they usually want to be with their mom. Anyway-I think its great how much they want to be here with us and love going out and having fun with us and even better staying home and doing nothing, but still wanting to be here. I think that says a lot about how they are treated, how much they are loved and how even though she tries to guilt them into coming home they still want to be here.
Our BM has done this in the
Our BM has done this in the past, and SD now texts back and forth with BM to coordinate it themselves. DH's plan has always been to try to distract SD and tell her that right now we are doing 'this' and if she still thinks she wants to go home later they can talk more about it then. More often than not once SD is not on the phone with BM she if fine with staying.
And I totally agree with whoever said to not be available each and everytime she calls. I wouldn't purposely not allow the kids to speak to her but I would try to limit that.
My SD10 BM does this
My SD10 BM does this sometimes too. If I were you I would almost ignore it, and if the skids bring it up, I would say "wow, that sounds great, as soon as you go home I am sure you will have lots of fun" I personally NEVER agree with allowing the children to decide if they want to go somewhere and when. For one, giving a child that kind of control is NOT good. Secondly, it is the parents job to make the decisions for the child and their best interest. The children should be following the visitation schedule that is set up, and only alter that schedule if BOTH parents agree. I would NEVER allow the children to decide themselves when and where their visitation takes place, way too much control and that gives one parent leverage to try to bribe the kids. Good luck!
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your response. I had not thought about it from that perspective. After using my brain (go figure) I realized that is control the kids do not need to have. It should be the court approved time and neither she, nor we, nor the kids should change that.
She messaged me that she would be picking up the kids last weekend "because she missed them and they wanted to come visit her." I spoke with my husband (since they don't speak at all) and we decided that NO she would not be because it was his court appointed time with the kids and besides we already had plans. I told her (nicely) as much and she got snippy, but backed off. She was again shocked that we didn't want to "give them back to her" as she put it. It amazes me that she doesn't think we would want them here. We would fight for them full time if we thought it would be in the best interest of the kids. However my husband feels they need their Mother (and I agree) and while we miss them TONS we stick to our court appointed time and just try to support them as well as we can from a distance when they aren't with us.