Tenion in this house can be cut with a knife!!
My 15 yr old son came to live with me and new husband in September. My son was excited to come and try a new school and new home.
I've never been one to have a list of rules written out and hung on the fridge although my husband likes it like that. I let my son know the general rules of the house. There are chores and rules like in every other house. HOwever, my way of enforcing is alot less intense than my husband/his step father. I am laid back, he is military like. All of this is ok but I am really concerned about my son. My son has alot of resentment and anger toward his stepfather right now. The only time my husband/his stepdad talks to him is when he has a correction to make with something he has done or to tell him about something he wants done. There is very, very little talk of any kind between them. If I am correcting my son or informing him of something I need done my husband will sometimes cut in if my son doesn't appear to be giving me his full attention in the way my husband would like.
I am torn. I love my husband and I am trying to respect his rules but that is all he is concerned about. It is causing me to feel like I have to protect my son from his harshness and criticizing tone he has with him. My son says he hates him and says he feels he can't do anything right in my husbands eyes. It is so intense at times.
My son doesn't talk back, he does what we ask, he is messy and disorganized alot but he is quick to fix whatever we ask. My husband claims he is disrespectful but I am not seeing it. I need help as to what I can do. It is between them but how can I stand back and let him be so cold to my son and just watch it happen? Maybe I should?
We are seeing a family counselor and the counselor told my husband that he needs to allow me to discipline and enforce rules 90% of the time but it is very hard for my husband to do this. I can go on and on!!!
The original plan was that my
The original plan was that my son would live with his father during school and come with us for the summer and Christmas school break. His father is Bipolar and can be quite hard to live with and my son decided he couldn't take it there any longer and wanted to come with me. Before marrying my husband now we talked about "what if's" and one of those was "what if" my son wants to come live with us. My husband said it was fine. My husband and son didn't have much time to get to know each other because most of our relationship was long distance and when we saw each other it was me flying to see him. I can see the resentment. It's like two teenage boys fighting for their territory. My son stays in his room most of the time to avoid my husband.
Thanks for this advice. I
Thanks for this advice. I got alot from it!! My husband told me tonight he would probably never like my son because my son is selfish and until he learned not to be then he would not have much to do with him. This hurt alot!!! It makes sense that they were both just thrown together and I am in the middle!
Disengaging seems like a good thing for him to do. He won't support him financially, I am responsible for that and I know that is how it should be. However even though my husband told me he will not support him in anyway financially, he still wants to set the rules and punishments for breaking the rules. To me, it's be a parental figure all the way or none of the way. Maybe that should be something we should discuss.
I agree, that's where I am.
I agree, that's where I am. Not my kid, not my problem. Disengagement is the only way I keep my sanity. As for shibilo, I'm in your DH's position. I just discussed the issues I had my SD and then posted a set of house rules in her room for only her to see (after my hubby saw them). Basically they were keep your room clean, don't leave food cantainers in your room, and bathe. Don't put your dirty clothes back in the drawer, and do something with your hair. There are lots of little things as a step parent that can eat at you, even tho you don't mean let them. It really irritates me when she only talks to him or asks him questions as if I'm not there. She hangs on him like a 6 year old when she's 12 and as big as me. Not really a jealousy thing, it's just she's too old to be acting the way she does. And he lets her get away with it for fear of hurting her feelings.
Could it be that your DH just doesn't know how to displace his feelings and the way a man handles things is in black and white. He probably knows he's the father figure, but didn't sign up for it. It puts a little resentment out there, and then if your attitude gives any hint to being displeased with the role you have forced him into, he has even more resentment that wouldn't be there if it weren't for your son. It's a vicious cycle and he probably just doesn't know how to deal with his feelings. SO he takes it out on the SS. Let him off the hook, take a dominant position in your child's life and allow you DH to talk with you about issues that arise instead of your son. That may let some of the pressure off him, but don't let your son know the plan and or run over you. He still has to be accountable for his actions, you just have to be the supporter of such actions. Allow your DH to disengage.
Ok I'm taking the other
Ok I'm taking the other prospective here, just so you know I'm not attacking you. When my SS came to live with us I adopted the same attitude your DH is displaying. I don't think this is a dominant male thing. My SS would act like an angel when his dad was around and be a total jerk to me especially if his dad wasn't around. When he acted up my husband, his dad, didn't want to see it. Maybe you should cut your DH some slack and find out what is really going on. Open your eyes, maybe it is all your DH but I doubt that, it takes two. You need to have a talk with your DH about his expectations and what he's been experiencing, the two of you need to come up with a game plan, Your husband is an adult and while you or he may not want him to parent, it's still his house too and he should be able to have input on how his (your) house is run, even if he doesn't financially support your kid. After the two of you get on the same page you need to have a family meeting and put your son on the same page too.
I think your counselor is
I think your counselor is probably right. He/she knows the situation better than any of us do, and if he/she thinks that your son is suffering from DHs controlling methods, then you should probably listen. It sounds like your DH has no children of his own and may not even understand much about raising them. You are the one with experience, you are the one with history with this child, and besides it only makes sense that you should do the parenting of your own child. Of course your son would be resentful if DH has not made an effort to have a relationship with him. This is a family, not the military. DH needs to disengage.
I hope that u find an
I hope that u find an amicable solution, because our children are dependent on us to provide them a home where they feel safe and secure. Where they can be nurtured to be the best they can be. Having said that, I know that there's situations that arise that makes that task hard sometimes, especially when our hearts are torn between our kids and partners. Maybe more counselling sessions may help everyone get perspective of what's happening.
My step dad was like this
My step dad was like this when my mom remarried except I was 10 at the time. My mom has always been the laid back one who certainly had expectations and dished out consequences for acting out, but my step dad was the "military" type. Very particular, probably borderline OCD and while I wouldn't say he was "mean" his way of parenting was "different" and the older I got the more I resented him.
I know that in my step life now that I am uber conservative when it comes to discipline and Skids.. I have been with DH for almost 5 years and think I have scolded skids maybe twice?? I just don't feel that it's my place and I don't ever want to be seen in the light that I used to see my step dad as that person who swooped in and tried to fix something that wasn't broken.
It's definatley hard and it sounds like your son is a good kid for the most part. I would talk to your DH and see if you can't get him to tone it down because trust me, it will only get worse as the resentment grows between the two of them.