Just thinking that I really wish there was a website like this for women to vent about their husbands bc I feel like I'm going nuts with anger towards him lately! *Sigh* still thankful I have this one to vent about SS
I actually packed my bags and moved out yesterday. I asked him to meet me at the park so we could talk in private after work. He was so hurt! But I could see that DH clearly STILL doesn't understand my position or my feelings. But discussing all of the skid challenges got us discussing how much we love each other. We went our separate ways... and I didn't even last one night. My love for him, need for him, and the pain of having hurt him all got to me and I went home in the middle of the night.
Knowing that I caved makes me a little sick of myself, but I was trying to make a point about SD13, not having him doubt my love for him! UGH!!! Call me a sucker, but I love that man of mine! I know how much we all must love our men to put up with all that we do! All we fight about is SSDD (same shit, different day). Frustration, anger and hopelessness are eating me alive. I was a nice person and I am slowly morphing into someone I hate.
Aw heck, go ahead and vent - depending on the issue, it could be skid related...
Mine is this: DH has this weird blood-sugar thing. If he doesn't eat every 4-6 hours, he starts getting really irrational mood swings, and even blacks out. Last night we had a huge screaming fight over stupid (I mean, really stupid) stuff - he called me lazy and selfish and fat, and then started pulling out the divorce card and also bringing up stuff that happened in 2007. 99% of the time we are the schmoopiest people ever, and the last real fight we had was 6 months ago - divorce is so far from the table, it's not even funny.
It's like dealing with an alcoholic - I guarantee he won't remember a thing this morning.
4 more weeks, and then we're finally living together again, so I can shove food down his throat when he gets this way. At least it's curable with a pb&j and 20 minutes time.
Dang I vent here about my DH ALL the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF it werent for DH's LACK of PARENTING his spawn I wouldnt NEED to be on this site venting in the 1st place!!!!!??
Kind of doubt that my bio's StepMom's have EVER been here or will EVER need to be here...they tell me all the time what lovely SKids that I have given them...and how they really never have the "challenges" that most StepMom's have....HUGE pat on MY back :)....Divorced did NOT mean "free range parenting" to my bio's...(sorry for the self brag but Im proud...)
After being the StepMom to a Skid from HELL~O....raised with NO rules or accountablity...I have painfully come to realize the "problem" is NOT me but IS my DH......I kind of see a huge trend here......
Guilty Parenting=UNHAPPY StepParent.....hummmm I might have stumbled on something here...what ya think??
Agree with you YME -- the parenting is the key!! Even my DH's parents comment on the difference between their grandchildren (my skids) and my 2 bios. Even simple things such as saying hello, please, thank you, etc., let alone the bigger issues of whining, entitlement, and all-around spoiledness.
Well DH have had a HUGE amount of problems so far in our marriage of almost 2 years. But before the problems always related to the kids but for the past few months, it has been us. When we met he was like a fairy tale man...a loving,sweet, compassionate, caring, involved man. It was amazing. Now, DH barely communicates with me, we fight about evreything that has to do with anything, we never have sex, etc. In January, I found texts from another female that he had been texting all day every day for over a month. Although I don't think there is anything there now, I do think he is hiding something. Every day for the psat week I've tried talking to him. He doesn't call/text at all while at work, I ask him to call when he is done work so I can start dinner and he rarely does that, he has been "busy" every night the past week. He comes home, sits on the computer all night or goes to the bedroom and watches TV. If I try to talk to him, he gets mad. He told me its not fair that bc I am a stay at home mom (only bc I got fired for having children, NOT by choice and am looking for a job) I got "alone" time all day and he deserves it at night. I said NOT every night ALL night! I don't really get much "alone" time to sit and do whatever I want during the day, not NEARLY the HOURS he sits and ignores me. our DS has HUGE, thick feet and I cant find shoes that fit him. Yesterday I ask him to come with us to the Stride Rite store to pick out shoes. He then told me DS doesn't need shoes and that he didn't agree with buying expensive shoes! SEriously, if SS needed special shoes- he would have bought them! I keep wasting money trying to get shoes that never work out bc his feet are just too big. ANyway, didn't go buy the shoes. Then he spent all day watching Harry Potter movies. I asked him to come outside and play with DS and me, he came outside eventually, cut the grass and went back to watching his movies. DD was in trouble again last night. Her attitude has been bad and she treats DH the same way alot of skids treat the mothers on this site. I've been trying to work on it forever but DH believes I am on DD side and not his (which is because of her manipulative ways) and if I can't get him to see HER motives, I will never get this problem fixed. ANyway, he has been punishing DD and I disagreed with his method. So we bought this BEhavior Wheel program. It lists the 8 top behavior issues we are having and we got to select 20 consequences for each behavior. Soo when she acts up, she just clicks and "spins" the wheel on the computer for her punishment. I know it's not exactly the best idea but I thought FOR SURE this would solve the issue between DH and I not agreeing. (BTW DH told me right away that he wasn't using this method for the toddlers! Well DS1 doesn't need punishment and SS4 is NOT a toddler! ugh). ANyway, D spinned the wheel lsat night and lost TV for 24 hours. I made him get up with the kids this morning. I came downstairs and DD is sitting in the dining rm bc she isn't allowed in the living rm while DH is watching TV. I simply asked him if she had to stay out of the living room all day or is she allowed to play in there as he watches HIS shows. He FLIPS shit and starts yelling at me about how I am defending DD, etc. I told him we never came to a conclusion about how to punish her with no TV but not everyone else and not have it completely unfair (like I dont think DD should have to sit in the dining rm all day bc DH wants to plop his ass on the couch from the morning to evening. Back to last night- I again asked DH to spend time with me and he said "what do I need him for, I have my phone" I told him I only spend so much time texting bc I am bored and am tired of following him around like a little puppy for him to reject me. He again said it wasnt fair that I wanted him to spend time with me but I was already watching a show he didnt want to watch. He didnt ask me to change the channel or anything. I told him he sounds like DD6 with the "its not fair stuff". LIFE ISNT FAIR! I told him if you want to be alone, then why are u married? If nothing is fair, why are you married? I Told him the worst part is that I know hes not in love with me anymore. If there was ANY love there, he would desire SOME kind of interaction with me. He sat with me for a few minutes pretending to want to be there before he went to bed. I wish I had the strength to leave bc I know thats what I need to do
confusedsm11.......Im so sorry you are going through all of this....maybe you should make this a posting on its own....I would hate for you to not get needed advice because this is at the end of your origional post.....
I can see that you are really hurting....DH sounds like he has somethings going on in his head too...Did he ever respond when you said "you dont love me anymore?" I would suggest marriage therapy...It may be a hard road...but it is savable IF you both want it saved....DH sounds like he has a lot of bottled up issues...Maybe he is stressing over parenting issues with SKids/job/maybe even $ because you are a SAHM right now...it sounds like you are trying but it sounds like DH isnt happy...
Hang in there and consider reposting as a heading all its own...I have learned so much here on ST and I hope you can too....
Nope, he had no reply to the lack of love comment. I sat teary eyed on the couch and he stared off into space on the steps before getting up to go to the computer...then he gave me a few minutes of time before he went to bed. He tells me money doesn't get to him...it's me who worries about money all the time. I am collecting unemployment so financially we aren't too much worse than we were before I lost my job. I handle all the money and he has no concerns about it. I have asked him to go to therapy before (as he went with his ex who he supposedly never loved what wanted to make it work for SS) but he doesn't seem interested. I ask him why he is always throwing divorce, etc out there with me but he fought to save the relationship with the ex. We havea DS together and I DO NOT want him to have the life that I see SS have. Its overwhelming, complicated, etc for such a small child. As much as they try, I don't think SS will ever have a "normal" life bc of the way he lives from house to house, etc. DH isn't happy. He says I "nag" and am miserable. Which makes me more angry bc I LOVE being a SAHM right now. I love spending time with my kids but I hate that he doesn't talk and sometimes it does ruin my mood. I hate that I see the favoritism for SS and hte lack there of for DD an DS. I hate his guilty parenting of SS and overparenting of DD. I would love to go to therapy but if he isn't on board, I know I should just leave. He obviously doesn't want to work on things. He completely changed since we have gotten married. I know I still am in love with the man I married, whereever he is.
awww.....Im so sorry you are going through this.....this really hurts I can "hear" it in your post ....maybe steping back and not giving DH any pressure about alone/family time for right now will help...Let him think...no pressure...The elephant is out now and DH needs to have time to think...be loving but no nagging...to be fair sit DH down and let him know you are going to give him "space" but you will be there when he is ready to talk...that you are wanting things to work and you dont want to push him away...
In the mean time work on a way to make yourself as happy as you can right now...spend this time reading and getting support....getting your feelings together...Realise Dh is not going to try therapy because he does not have faith in it...It didnt work the 1st time...he may change his mind in time but dont make him feel guilty about not wanting to try it just now...it wont help either of you...
Im kind of in the same boat with the non supportive DH and his non parenting his Skid and over parenting my kids when HIS kid did something wrong...my DH was quiet and moody...he seemed upset...he didnt like that i had just given up on trying to make SD behave...I had put the ball in his court...started disengaging with SD...Now we are pretty much trying and are not wanting to be apart....But my DH has a long way to go as do I.....
I hope you will read info on this site and lean on others for help and support....I know you want to save your marriage...
Good Luck and hope that DH gets his feelings and thoughts together sooner than later...
YEP! Another argument today.
YEP! Another argument today. Gosh, I love a change of pace *sarcasm*
Hearing you! I actually
Hearing you!
I actually packed my bags and moved out yesterday. I asked him to meet me at the park so we could talk in private after work. He was so hurt! But I could see that DH clearly STILL doesn't understand my position or my feelings. But discussing all of the skid challenges got us discussing how much we love each other. We went our separate ways... and I didn't even last one night. My love for him, need for him, and the pain of having hurt him all got to me and I went home in the middle of the night.
Knowing that I caved makes me a little sick of myself, but I was trying to make a point about SD13, not having him doubt my love for him! UGH!!! Call me a sucker, but I love that man of mine! I know how much we all must love our men to put up with all that we do! All we fight about is SSDD (same shit, different day). Frustration, anger and hopelessness are eating me alive. I was a nice person and I am slowly morphing into someone I hate.
Aw heck, go ahead and vent -
Aw heck, go ahead and vent - depending on the issue, it could be skid related...
Mine is this: DH has this weird blood-sugar thing. If he doesn't eat every 4-6 hours, he starts getting really irrational mood swings, and even blacks out. Last night we had a huge screaming fight over stupid (I mean, really stupid) stuff - he called me lazy and selfish and fat, and then started pulling out the divorce card and also bringing up stuff that happened in 2007. 99% of the time we are the schmoopiest people ever, and the last real fight we had was 6 months ago - divorce is so far from the table, it's not even funny.
It's like dealing with an alcoholic - I guarantee he won't remember a thing this morning.
4 more weeks, and then we're finally living together again, so I can shove food down his throat when he gets this way. At least it's curable with a pb&j and 20 minutes time.
Dang I vent here about my DH
Dang I vent here about my DH ALL the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF it werent for DH's LACK of PARENTING his spawn I wouldnt NEED to be on this site venting in the 1st place!!!!!??
Kind of doubt that my bio's StepMom's have EVER been here or will EVER need to be here...they tell me all the time what lovely SKids that I have given them...and how they really never have the "challenges" that most StepMom's have....HUGE pat on MY back :)....Divorced did NOT mean "free range parenting" to my bio's...(sorry for the self brag but Im proud...)
After being the StepMom to a Skid from HELL~O....raised with NO rules or accountablity...I have painfully come to realize the "problem" is NOT me but IS my DH......I kind of see a huge trend here......
Guilty Parenting=UNHAPPY StepParent.....hummmm I might have stumbled on something here...what ya think??
Agree with you YME -- the
Agree with you YME -- the parenting is the key!! Even my DH's parents comment on the difference between their grandchildren (my skids) and my 2 bios. Even simple things such as saying hello, please, thank you, etc., let alone the bigger issues of whining, entitlement, and all-around spoiledness.
Well DH have had a HUGE
Well DH have had a HUGE amount of problems so far in our marriage of almost 2 years. But before the problems always related to the kids but for the past few months, it has been us. When we met he was like a fairy tale man...a loving,sweet, compassionate, caring, involved man. It was amazing. Now, DH barely communicates with me, we fight about evreything that has to do with anything, we never have sex, etc. In January, I found texts from another female that he had been texting all day every day for over a month. Although I don't think there is anything there now, I do think he is hiding something. Every day for the psat week I've tried talking to him. He doesn't call/text at all while at work, I ask him to call when he is done work so I can start dinner and he rarely does that, he has been "busy" every night the past week. He comes home, sits on the computer all night or goes to the bedroom and watches TV. If I try to talk to him, he gets mad. He told me its not fair that bc I am a stay at home mom (only bc I got fired for having children, NOT by choice and am looking for a job) I got "alone" time all day and he deserves it at night. I said NOT every night ALL night! I don't really get much "alone" time to sit and do whatever I want during the day, not NEARLY the HOURS he sits and ignores me. our DS has HUGE, thick feet and I cant find shoes that fit him. Yesterday I ask him to come with us to the Stride Rite store to pick out shoes. He then told me DS doesn't need shoes and that he didn't agree with buying expensive shoes! SEriously, if SS needed special shoes- he would have bought them! I keep wasting money trying to get shoes that never work out bc his feet are just too big. ANyway, didn't go buy the shoes. Then he spent all day watching Harry Potter movies. I asked him to come outside and play with DS and me, he came outside eventually, cut the grass and went back to watching his movies. DD was in trouble again last night. Her attitude has been bad and she treats DH the same way alot of skids treat the mothers on this site. I've been trying to work on it forever but DH believes I am on DD side and not his (which is because of her manipulative ways) and if I can't get him to see HER motives, I will never get this problem fixed. ANyway, he has been punishing DD and I disagreed with his method. So we bought this BEhavior Wheel program. It lists the 8 top behavior issues we are having and we got to select 20 consequences for each behavior. Soo when she acts up, she just clicks and "spins" the wheel on the computer for her punishment. I know it's not exactly the best idea but I thought FOR SURE this would solve the issue between DH and I not agreeing. (BTW DH told me right away that he wasn't using this method for the toddlers! Well DS1 doesn't need punishment and SS4 is NOT a toddler! ugh). ANyway, D spinned the wheel lsat night and lost TV for 24 hours. I made him get up with the kids this morning. I came downstairs and DD is sitting in the dining rm bc she isn't allowed in the living rm while DH is watching TV. I simply asked him if she had to stay out of the living room all day or is she allowed to play in there as he watches HIS shows. He FLIPS shit and starts yelling at me about how I am defending DD, etc. I told him we never came to a conclusion about how to punish her with no TV but not everyone else and not have it completely unfair (like I dont think DD should have to sit in the dining rm all day bc DH wants to plop his ass on the couch from the morning to evening. Back to last night- I again asked DH to spend time with me and he said "what do I need him for, I have my phone" I told him I only spend so much time texting bc I am bored and am tired of following him around like a little puppy for him to reject me. He again said it wasnt fair that I wanted him to spend time with me but I was already watching a show he didnt want to watch. He didnt ask me to change the channel or anything. I told him he sounds like DD6 with the "its not fair stuff". LIFE ISNT FAIR! I told him if you want to be alone, then why are u married? If nothing is fair, why are you married? I Told him the worst part is that I know hes not in love with me anymore. If there was ANY love there, he would desire SOME kind of interaction with me. He sat with me for a few minutes pretending to want to be there before he went to bed. I wish I had the strength to leave bc I know thats what I need to do
confusedsm11.......Im so
confusedsm11.......Im so sorry you are going through all of this....maybe you should make this a posting on its own....I would hate for you to not get needed advice because this is at the end of your origional post.....
I can see that you are really hurting....DH sounds like he has somethings going on in his head too...Did he ever respond when you said "you dont love me anymore?" I would suggest marriage therapy...It may be a hard road...but it is savable IF you both want it saved....DH sounds like he has a lot of bottled up issues...Maybe he is stressing over parenting issues with SKids/job/maybe even $ because you are a SAHM right now...it sounds like you are trying but it sounds like DH isnt happy...
Hang in there and consider reposting as a heading all its own...I have learned so much here on ST and I hope you can too....
Nope, he had no reply to the
Nope, he had no reply to the lack of love comment. I sat teary eyed on the couch and he stared off into space on the steps before getting up to go to the computer...then he gave me a few minutes of time before he went to bed. He tells me money doesn't get to him...it's me who worries about money all the time. I am collecting unemployment so financially we aren't too much worse than we were before I lost my job. I handle all the money and he has no concerns about it. I have asked him to go to therapy before (as he went with his ex who he supposedly never loved what wanted to make it work for SS) but he doesn't seem interested. I ask him why he is always throwing divorce, etc out there with me but he fought to save the relationship with the ex. We havea DS together and I DO NOT want him to have the life that I see SS have. Its overwhelming, complicated, etc for such a small child. As much as they try, I don't think SS will ever have a "normal" life bc of the way he lives from house to house, etc. DH isn't happy. He says I "nag" and am miserable. Which makes me more angry bc I LOVE being a SAHM right now. I love spending time with my kids but I hate that he doesn't talk and sometimes it does ruin my mood. I hate that I see the favoritism for SS and hte lack there of for DD an DS. I hate his guilty parenting of SS and overparenting of DD. I would love to go to therapy but if he isn't on board, I know I should just leave. He obviously doesn't want to work on things. He completely changed since we have gotten married. I know I still am in love with the man I married, whereever he is.
I wish I could give you a big
I wish I could give you a big hug right now!!! I'm sorry. *hugs*
awww.....Im so sorry you are
awww.....Im so sorry you are going through this.....this really hurts I can "hear" it in your post ....maybe steping back and not giving DH any pressure about alone/family time for right now will help...Let him think...no pressure...The elephant is out now and DH needs to have time to think...be loving but no nagging...to be fair sit DH down and let him know you are going to give him "space" but you will be there when he is ready to talk...that you are wanting things to work and you dont want to push him away...
In the mean time work on a way to make yourself as happy as you can right now...spend this time reading and getting support....getting your feelings together...Realise Dh is not going to try therapy because he does not have faith in it...It didnt work the 1st time...he may change his mind in time but dont make him feel guilty about not wanting to try it just now...it wont help either of you...
Im kind of in the same boat with the non supportive DH and his non parenting his Skid and over parenting my kids when HIS kid did something wrong...my DH was quiet and moody...he seemed upset...he didnt like that i had just given up on trying to make SD behave...I had put the ball in his court...started disengaging with SD...Now we are pretty much trying and are not wanting to be apart....But my DH has a long way to go as do I.....
I hope you will read info on this site and lean on others for help and support....I know you want to save your marriage...
Good Luck and hope that DH gets his feelings and thoughts together sooner than later...