My soon to be SD23 still lives with my fiance and drives me insane!
My fiance's BD23 is the last one of 4 to leave his nest, after he and BM divorced all of the kids stayed with him. SD23 is resentful of me even though her parents were divorced 5 years when we started dating. SD23 is a slob, disrespectful to my fiance which makes me cringe, she does not clean up after herself and rarely does any housework at all. I'm told that she has been an angry person since her late teens and that she treats everyone crappy. I've tried to befriend her, defend her and spend time with her, at times she is responsive but 90% of the time she is a total SNOT! It's gotten to the point that I can't stand the sight of her and to top it off I recently found out that she tells her BM every detail she knows about my fiance and I and they gossip about us for hours. My fiance and I have been together for the last two years and plan to get married next year, but, until the SD moves out I don't think I can marry him and this makes us both very sad. Now I am really going to VENT: SD went to jr college for two years and my fiance paid for 100% of the expense, bought her two cars (one she totaled while driving intoxicated at the age of 20). She smokes cigaretts and pot and will smoke both in the house when her dad is not home which makes me totally insane!!!!!!!!! My fiance has told her numerous times to stop but she refuses. She has a deadbeat boyfriend who is 28 and has a history of job hopping and being inbetween deadend jobs and to top it off he lives with his grandparents. SD's boyfriend is at the house constantly and spends the night even after fiance has told them more than two nights a week is not acceptable. I have my own home and rarely spend the night there because of this, she throws it in her dad's face. SD barely acknowledges me even though I got out of my way to say hello, how are you, you look nice... She complains about money all the time (she works part time as a waitress) she owes her dad several thousand dollars from misc loans, and now she wants more money for Real Estate school... REAL ESTATE SCHOOL HAS SHE NOT BEEN LISTENING TO THE NEWS!!!!!!!!!!! My fiance has a hard time coming down on her because she becomes totaly unglued and grows fangs! Her own siblings call her a B! She hates her dad's side of the family and blames them for the divorce, avoids family functions that involve them, and she takes great pleasure in taking jabs at me every chance she gets. Some may remember that when she saw my engagement ring for the first time she exclaimed "OMG my dad could have bought me a new car!" Nothing else no congrats no nothing. SHE DRIVES ME BONKERS!!!! She is snotty, snotty, snotty. What do I do I can't stand her!!!!!!!!!!!! My fiance is understanding but he has a hard time dealing with her himself, why can't he tell her to shape up or ship out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I honestly don't understand
I honestly don't understand why these men can't stand up to their kids and do what needs to be done. I just don't get it! They allow them to walk all over themselves and when we as step-parents try to put a stop to it, we get ganged up on by both of them like we're the unreasonable ones. I wish I had an answer for you but I don't because I'm in a similar situation as you. My BF will not step up to the plate, be a man and tell his kid to get the hell out of our house (his kid is 23). I feel for you, I really do!
Thanks for your support, he
Thanks for your support, he really is a great guy I love him very much and feel like I have truly found my soul mate. I truly believe that it is guilt based, there needs to be a forum on dealing with guilt after divorce!!!!!!!!!!
Do not live with or marry him
Do not live with or marry him until she is out.
^^^THIS!!! Do NOT move in.
^^^THIS!!! Do NOT move in. Learn from the mistakes the rest of us have made. Wait until she moves out.
This is SO easy. Assuming
This is SO easy. Assuming Fiance really wants to rid himself of this piece of human garbage. HE needs to tell her that he is moving in with you and that he is turning in his apartment/home. Than she can either grow up or be screwed. Either way, do NOT under ANY circumstances move into this mans house with his demon seed living there. She needs to GO.
I will not move in or get
I will not move in or get married until she is gone. I refuse to take abuse from this rude, ingorant young woman! And I fear that once she does leave, that a few years down the road she'll be back after she realized her loser boyfriend or husband is a total unresponsible turd!
This is most likely more a
This is most likely more a problem with your BF than it is with his daughter. He sound like a guilty dad and has allowed his daughter to have "adult spousal status" and be his mini wife.
I say RUN!
I will not move in or get
I will not move in or get married until she is gone.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Very smart woman you are!! If and when you do move in, make sure ground rules are talked about and agreed apon. Like, what happens if she shows up on the doorstep in a few years and "needs" a place to stay? I would say agree on no more than a few weeks at most. And many other "what if" situations to discuss.
AND GET THIS AGREEMENT IN
AND GET THIS AGREEMENT IN WRITING!!!! Because as all of us on here know these DH's of ours suffer from sudden bouts of amnesia when things like this pop up.
I think you're absolutely
I think you're absolutely right when you say it's guilt-based and I also agree with them needing to talk to someone about it. I'm not sure whether it would actually help in my case, my BF can be pretty stubborn, but I'm sure it would help others. But for now I guess we all just have to go on being frustrated and hope that it ends soon.
Please listen to everyone
Please listen to everyone else's good advice. Don't move in until she moves out. But I'll give you one better . . . .Make sure she's capable of supporting herself before she moves out, so she won't have a reason to move back home. DH should counsel her on a better career choice. Real Estate is in the toilet, but a Bachelor's in finance would be a much better choice.
My story is similar to yours. I didn't want to move in w/DH and SD. I called off the wedding because of it. Then he talked me into it, and like an idiot, I went along with it . . against my better judgement. He wanted me and SD to bond. It didn't happen. So I moved in, and the plan was that she'd finish school, find work and get her own place. She finished school, pretended to look for work for a year, was finally hired, and is soon getting her own place . . prompted by my covert hints. It's been the longest 3 years of my life, and I was miserable. She will turn 29 in a few months.
She's just like your SD. Lazy, didn't have any chores, came and went as she pleased, has a smart mouth and a nasty disposition. She almost came between me and DH. To top it off she ran and blabbed to my in-laws about the issues we were having, and only God knows what she's told them. Fortunately they are still kind and loving to me and I think my MIL in particular realized that the issues stemmed from SD's unnatural attachment to DH.
Marriage is challenging enough as it is. Don't put yourself through the drama. Make sure SD prepares herself to be self-reliant first. I knew that no matter how much BS I went through, at the end of the day, my SD wouldn't have an excuse to move back (she has her Master's), so make sure your SD is equipped so she won't have any excuses to fall back on.
I could not agree more and I
I could not agree more and I am sorry you have had to endure such nastiness. I have told my fiance many times that Real Estate is probably one of the worst career paths she could possibly take and this time and he agree's but does not want to discourage her as he feels she suffers from low self esteem (hence the bitter nasty treatment of others). I say as a parent we should be the first to speak up if we know it's a train wreck waiting to happen! My birth daughter has had some "dreamy" career ideas and I am totally honest with her about the reality of the whole thing. Quite honestely I place some blame so called reality tv for glamorizing career paths without discussing the cold hard facts of how many people actually succeed.
I know I have to stand my ground until she moves out. Let's just hope she can manage to successfully do that in the next year or so.
I agree, it's a parent's job
I agree, it's a parent's job to be honest no matter how much it may hurt or how difficult it may be. I'd rather tell my child the truth, than have the world tell them. I've heard my DH say the same thing about discouraging SD, but I think if the message is relayed from a place of love, it shouldn't be an issue.
What really gets me though, is these same adult children that need to be handled w/kid gloves and tip toed around, have no problem hurting others or treating them like shi! But of course our DH's don't see this.