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HELP Fiance's Ex-Adult Stepson wants to move in! Sorry it's a little long but I wanted to give as much detail as possible.

WiseNotWicked's picture

I really need some support and direction on this one. My fiance has never had a good relationship with his stepson from his first marriage of 19 years. The SS was 4 when he and his first wife got married (it was a rushed wedding as they were pregnant). He and his ex-wife went on to have four children (which included a set of twins). His 1st wife made sure that her relationship with "her" son stayed just that and discuraged him from treating him like the rest of their children specifically when it came to discipline... Since they divorced almove 9 years ago all she does is bug him about his relationship with his ex-stepson, I say ex because he was never adopted, nor did he ever treat my fiance with the respect he deserved for raising him for 14 years. The ex-stepson has made some very poor life decisions and refused to ever take advice from my fiance. He is now married to his 2nd wife has two small children and two big dogs and has moved out of the house they were renting and in with one of his brothers (half brother). It has been less than a month and it is not working out too many people in the house and between the dogs and kids the house is getting wrecked. Now mind you they left their rental house because he was just tired of paying rent and wants to buy a house, well they have terrible credit and no money to put down, their behavior is very immature. Now he wants to move his brood in with his ex-stepdad to whom he never speaks to unless it's time for gift giving... My fiance feels bad for his other son having to deal with the mess so he is open to let them move in. We are getting married in less than 7 months and I had planned to sell my home and move in with him and now the tought of his ex-stepson and family being there makes me scared to move forward. I have expressed my concerns to my fiance and he says everything will work out and I should not worry about it. My fear is they will move in and there oldest will start school and then they will not want to leave, and they can not afford to live in that neighborhood. The add in his exwife who will want to come over and vistit the grandkids or babysit and the nightmare gets even worse. My fiance agrees that the EW will not be allowed to come over. In the end we will be deailing with two immature adults, two spoiled children and two large unruly dogs reaking havoc on the house that is supposed to be our home together. And I will be the wicked witch that makes them leave!

WiseNotWicked's picture

I don't want them to move in even thinking about it makes me sick :sick: ! I have told my fiance how I feel and he thinks I'm overreacting and that if they move in there will be a definate move out date... However I know how manipulating that situation can be especially with two small children involved. I am not backing down one bit!!! Keep it coming I need all the support and advice I can get on this!!!

morgan_minx80's picture

What is your SO saying about this. If it was me it wouldnt even be up for discussion. Not a chance. Is your SO considering it? If he is, he's a damn fool

skylarksms's picture

Why would your SO care ONE BIT about a FORMER SS who was disrespectful to him his entire marriage? Who does he feel like he "owes" this to? SS? BM?

I'd be like WTF dude? Can I find some homeless person on the street and since I feel bad for them, they can move in with us until their situation gets better??

midwestguy's picture

You might be a lot happier with a homeless person. I just let someone that was about to be homeless move in since my wife and SS are in another state at the moment. See my post on Adult ex con alcoholic 40 year old moocher step son. My new room mate is Chinese and speaks ok English. Not great on the phone. He buys food, cooks excellent chinese food, drinks two beers a day or so. Smokes outside (new habit but that's his problem). He has been helping me with my pool repair on my rental house. Much easier to live with then ex con SS. And when I run out of things for him to do he will be paying some rent. He also takes care of my house, feeds the fish, waters the plants and feeds our two goats when I'm away. When we left SS to mind the store part of his job was to make sure vineyard was getting water. He would walk to deck and look down and see that leaves are still green and think they were good to go. They were not getting water so crop failed so no home made wine that year Sad

"childhood needs to be tough enough for them to want to grow up" If they can't wait to turn 18 or graduate and move out you are doing your job.

doll faced sm's picture

No way in hell! Your SS let your DH's EX-SS live w/ him out of guilt; now your DH wants to let EX-SS live w/ you and him out of guilt. If it didn't work the first time, what in the world makes your DH think it will work on re-peat. No, no, and no! You say you're getting married in 7 mo.s? Put it in the pre-nup that *never* will adult SK's live w/ you guys unless you both agree in writing before hand. Also, this may be an indication that keeping your house would be wise on your part as you may need it again in the not-so-distant future.

Delilah's picture

If I were you I would be telling your bf "I have to admit I don't understand your overwhelming *need* to house your ex ADULT ss versus your priority and commitment to OUR future together. I was looking forward to moving in, getting married but now...this adult is not our responsibility, and yes, it would become my responsibility IF I moved in and marriage you. Its making me think twice about moving in and marriage, and should you decide to make that decision and move them in then I guess we will have to rethink our plans completely - as I certainly dont want to move in with a bunch of freeloaders and begin married bliss taking care of non family members. You are perfectly entitled to go ahead and make this choice but I also have a choice whether this is acceptable to me, my needs and my happiness. Its not. I will need a definate answer by x time, due to house/marriage arrangements..."

Then walk away. Your OH may think things will work out ok and be tickety boo, thats his choice but you KNOW things wont be. You are unhappy now about the idea, well I can guarantee you will be infinately more miserable if you moved in with a housefull as your OH is considering. Your OH is a man, they dont think things through all that well in my experience - and I find women have more foresight and realism to consider the facts. Which are your OH's house will be wrecked (they have done it before), they dislike paying bills so OH will be footing things which means you will be (less money to spend on your new home and wedding), and you will be used as a free babysitter and who knows how badly behaved the 2 kids and dogs will be!!! So your rules will be ignored.

You have the power over whether your OH does this. Your power lies in the fact you can determine whether you move in/marry him - I know you want to, but you will regret it if you went through with it and he had moved them in. OH wants something from you, YOU. So time to wield that upper hand and for him to make a decision.

WiseNotWicked's picture

I like this in fact I have already told him that I would postpone the wedding and he got upset saying now don't do that. I don't think he wants them there either it's truly a guilt issue and the fact that his son wants them out of the new house he shares with his fiance, they are getting married in May and have already had to put up with this drama. I'm disghusted but the XSS and his wife's mentality!!!!!!!!! :sick: :sick: :sick:

twopines's picture

Just give your fiance a two by four to beat himself over the head with. It's cheaper and less painful than what he's proposing.

Quite honestly, I would not sell my house and move in with him if this other family moves in. Four people and two dogs!! Yikes!!

That whole situation is just straight up ridiculous.

WiseNotWicked's picture

The ex-SS can't move in with his mom because she lives in a one bedroom apartment. What's not fair is my fiance is getting pressure from his adult children about helping their half brother because they can't deal with him anymore.

twopines's picture

Your FDH did his part while he was married to their mother. It's time to move on and enjoy his life with you. This is not his problem to fix, and it's incredibly unfair to YOU.

sterlingsilver's picture

it all sounds like the perfect storm. Why don't you keep your house and fiance move in with you, sell his house, and then it becomes a mute point. No more house for the exskidios/doggios to think they can come move into any time they don';t want to pay the rent.

Sometimes I don;t get young people of this day and age. Urg.

Also on a softer note to you b/c I know that most of us are almost yelling "no" at you thru these posts. You need to think of you. You are probably middle aged and working a good job with a retirement in site and vacations with your new hubby. Please, for yourself, don't let the exss spoil that dream. Protect your life with your fiance like you would an egg - tenderly and fight like a mamma hen if anyone comes close to harm it!

DON'T sell your house! HELL NO!! If nothing else, you always have your quiet place.

WiseNotWicked's picture

I hear you all and I feel the same way, why is my fiance willing to put us through torture, he says oh no they will never really move in and I say when a mooch see's a new meal ticket they take it! He is a wonderful man and he loves me very much, he keeps saying why are you so worried everything will work out. He has a lot of guilt over his ex-SS, he feels he should have worked harder on their relationship (the ex-SS biological father died when XSS was 16 but he never paid a dime or any attention to XSS) so he has pity for him. And the XSS is under the thumb of his crazy BM who is dillusional about us getting married and does not want me around her adult kids.. What a tangled web!!!!!!!!!!

doll faced sm's picture

he says oh no they will never really move in and I say when a mooch see's a new meal ticket they take it!

You have it right! My DH moved one of his buddies into our basement this past summer. I was *told* (not asked) it would be for a week. Yeah, a week turned into over a month, and the free loader was still here when I had to go to the hospital to have my baby. If you let them in, you will never get them out. I got lucky b/c our free-loader left of his own accord when his wife moved here from MI, but with nothing motivating your DH's EX-SS's family, well . . . I just see an uphill battle and a lot of misery for you and your DH. Also, in most places in the US if your house guests hit the 30 day mark, they are no longer house guests, but become tenants; you'll have to take them through the court system to evict them if they really don't want to leave.

Sweetnothings's picture

Don't let this happen, they always say one thing, and then, surprise, surprise, everything gets changed !!! They willl realise how super easy they have it and you'll need a ton of dynamite to get them out again !!! I knew if I left it to my DH to organise sd21's departure back home, after living with us for over 2 years AND putting us through HELL , she'd still be here .... Needless to say, I helped and sd21 was on her way, dragging twenty new karma carriages attached to her "train " after a week or so !!!!

Aeron's picture

Oh hell no! He wants to do this because he feels guilt NOW? How is going to feel when they're all living there and XSS starts guilting him about how these small children just Love being around grandpa? How can he kick out these two poor innocent little babies? No way in Freaking hell.

I would totally be sticking to "You offer this, I'm canceling my agreement to marry you. I will not live like this." This adult is a mooch - hard core. and it sucks that his brother was stupid enough/kind enough/guilty enough to allow the loser and his family to move in, but the solution is Kick them Out, don't invite them into someone else's home. They moved out of their rental because they didn't Want to pay, does they mean they could still afford it? I get wanting to buy your own house, but learn some financial responsibility, don't become even more of a freaking loser.

Either way, I'd be telling him that if this is ever even an actual offer, there's no way you're marrying him or moving in, you'd wind up footing part of the bill for these people and dealing with their crazy drama in the meantime. No no and no again. Don't do it!

VioletsareBlue's picture

I agree with Echo. You tell him that you are not moving in, not getting married and DON'T SELL YOUR HOUSE.
I would be very weary of moving forward with this guy and I wouldn't trust him if he said, "OK they won't move in." The mere fact that he is ARGUING with you about it and telling you that you are over reacting tells you everything you need to know.
Run away....

WiseNotWicked's picture

I just want the situation to come to an end I am tired of the drama and stress. I really can't see my fiance letting them stay and stay he's not a pushover, I think he's just a nice guy. Maybe I am nieave for thinking that, have any of you experienced this situation first hand? on a positive note the XSS is finally working his way to be a journeyman electrician, so he should be making more money down the road, but here I go again worried that they will stay and stay and stay using guilt as a tool. :sick:

LONGTIME SM's picture

By my calculations this ex ss is about 32? Anyone 32 that is married with 2 children who is okay mooching off others is not going to change. If he is not able to support the family himself is the wife working? Seems that between the two of them they should be able to support themselves and live on their own. Even if he finishes up this new apprenticeship and the two of them actively worked on getting out on their own it could take months to do so. In the meantime what happens if the wife becomes pregnant Will your fdh be able to kick them out then? Did you ever consider the timing of this and the pressure from all of the adult steps to take the ex ss in may be designed to keep you and fdh apart? None of this really makes sense unless ex ss is a drug addict or something. Who moves out of their apartment to buy a house that has no money to do so? Seems strange and odd. Add this to the fact that BM seems too involved in whether you and your fdh are getting married. Perhaps instead your fdh could offer a down payment and first months rent on an apartment for them. He would definitely come out cheaper.

WiseNotWicked's picture

I get along well with his sons and his daughter (that was another battle), they are happy for us, so I honestly don't think that is the case, in fact the BM is ticked that the two new DIL's to be spend time with me. And there is not a chance in hell that they would get back together trust me. It's about them not wanting him under their roof anymore period.

Jsmom's picture

Do not let them move in...It will destroy your relationship and they will never leave. Just say no...

Lalena75's picture

he says "everything will work out and I should not worry about it." This is never true. It's all the advice I have on this.

WiseNotWicked's picture

Well the dreaded call came last night and my fiance agreed to let them move in, they are meeting to discuss terms and he told SS that it will only be for a certain amount of time... I guess this is when I see what he is made of and if he stands by his words of comfort to me.

WiseNotWicked's picture

We do not live together now s nothing of mine will be wrecked, I own my own home and will not sell until they are gone and will not get married until they are gone. The wedding is Oct 2012 and he says they can only stay with him 3 months and then out... He wants me to have faith in him that he is doing what needs to be done. He is not a pushover but he does have a very kind heart. It's a wait n see game.

LizzieA's picture

Then I would put my marriage on hold. Do you REALLY want to live with these strangers? That is the bottom line. And knowing that you have no power to get them out. Right now you have the most leverage that you will ever have. Once you are married and living there putting up with the kids and the dogs and the sloth, you will have no ability to change anything unless---you leave. There are red flags all over this. SS wants to get rid of them. So now YOUR house will be "wrecked" by the kids and dogs etc?

Hello? Your DH is a dumbass, sorry to say.

This is what you say, "if you want to be married to me, then you need to not let them move in." Or "If you want to be married to me, then you need to make them move out IN ADVANCE of wedding."

Please! Don't do this to yourself. Don't take it on the hope and a prayer that "it will be OK."

WiseNotWicked's picture

Thanks I am not selling my home that's for sure, thank you for all of your support I will keep you posted as this chapter unfolds!

hippiegirl's picture

The dogs would NOT be welcome. Period. Also, WTF? This isn't even his kid!
I told my SS before he moved in with DH and I, to rehome his dog first. I'm not a dog person, and didn't want my cats getting chased and harassed the entire time he was here. That would be a deal-breaker for me. In fact, just say no to all of it, or it may never end. Children or no children, they need to figure it out themselves without disrupting your home and life.

Delilah's picture

WisenotWicked - I completely appreciate the fact that you arent living with your FDH yet nor are you married, so the choice whether he wants to take his ex ss and family in is his own to make BUT I find it appalling he has completely disregarded your feelings on this subject. Unsurprised, he has done so along with the fact he agreed...the wording he was using to placate you was indication he was going to give in.

I would be prepared that the 3 month timeline will not be strict or adhered to, your OH knows you are unhappy about them moving in. Not only due to ex ss's age, his lack of relationship with this adult, the fact his entire family are moving with him, ex ss's prior behaviour (mooching, destructive), but equally because the run up to YOUR wedding and moving in should be happy and something you look forward to. How is this possible with this hanging over your head?!!

I think you are sensible in sticking to your guns and refusing to move in however I cant tell you how serious I think your OH's behaviour is in relation to your relationship. Your OH may be a good man, a loving person however if your OH can't put you first before these people NOW before you are married, then hes NOT going to do it after. That I promise you. This is a MASSIVE red flag. Your OH is demonstrating he is willing to be pressured by his adult children, THAT is not going to miraculously stop!

Your skids may attempt to guilt good ole dad into having ex ss and family for longer, doesnt matter if they couldnt do the same for their half brother. Hypocrisy is never acknowledged by skids or BM's alike, and that is a fact you will find from reading posts on this forum! I also wouldnt be surprised if your skids possibly turn on you because you are against this (or when they realise you are pushing for ex ss to move out)! How the HELL can you plan anything when everything is so indetermined?

I would be so stressed because you cant trust your FDH when it comes to his family, not when he ignores your concerns, goes ahead even when you have told him your future is at steak and that you will not move in/marry him! YET he STILL moved them in! :jawdrop: Thats how seriously he took you!

Honestly, if I were you I would be so angry and I would be cancelling the wedding plans for this October. Its not going to happen or if it does its going to be HELL planning it, and in all possibility you will have these moochers attending your wedding causing problems, and possibly the same from skids (see above why). You will end up resentful and angry as a wasp.

You want a healthy marriage with a partner who resepcts and prioritises you. THAT is the only way marriages survive and flourish. Your OH isnt doing that now and that is what dating, being engaged is for. To assess a partners suitability. In order to ensure your future does not become littered with obstacles, during your marriage (i.e. his past causing problems and him prioritising that before your feelings) you NEED to draw the battle line. When you join a blended family you need to learn when to pick your battles and when to drop it. THIS is a battle imo you need to pick because so much of your future happiness relies on your FDH *getting and understanding* what HE needs to do to make you happy, and lets be honest this current situation isnt exactly a *small* thing (regardless how much your OH is trying to minimise the seriousness and problematic nature of this).

Your OH doesnt take you seriously, he ignores your feelings and has zero foresight. ALL major problems as your OH will not learn anything from this situation, if he makes these decisions and reaps zero consequence from you.

I am suggesting you cancel your wedding for this year. Not only for the above reasons, however the financial cost of making bookings for arrangements while you are unsure what exactly is happening a) with ex ss and his family (i.e. how long they will be there for, whether they run up debts under your OH's and therefore your name, whether the house will be in a good state of repair when you move in - seeing as they like destroying people's things...I could go on but you get the picture) b) problems with your OH, his boundaries and his disrespect/thoughtlessness towards you. I would also disengage from your OH's problems, because he is going to REGRET moving these people in. Your OH will likely want to share this problem with you and tbh I am the type if you fail to listen to my advice, even when you KNOW I am right and you know your decision is going to cause pain, then you can lie in the bed you made without my support and assistance. Not MY problem.

All of the above will make OH realise you ARE carrying through with your threats. The danger in NOT showing OH through ACTION (not words) is that he will continue disregarding what you say...after all you did this time and what did you do? Nothing. This will be creating a rod for your own back. The positives of doing this, is that you are laying a strong foundation for your future with OH. He will learn when he should not cross you, he will learn what you are prepared to endure and equally as important what you will not. In addition by removing yourself from listening, hearing, supporting and being around to witness this car crash drama YOU will not have to see, feel the stress/anger/resentment/frustration of the nightmare in all its glory once ex ss and family get their feet comfortably under your OH's table and start to take advantage of that. Let your OH deal with it ALONE. It will be a harder lesson for him and it should be a deterrent for him if he considered doing this again.

I say this advice from experience with my own DH's nightmare family. Believe me it never stops, especially when your OH gives into their whims - no matter how unreasonable. Hopefully you can avoid many a nightmare year by nipping this in the bud now.

WiseNotWicked's picture

Well they moved out over the weekend and overall things went very well, it was a huge relief though we have so much do get done before our wedding and I move in. All is great!

2Tired4Drama's picture

"I guess this is when I see what he is made of ..."

You are already seeing it. He is made of jello and has no backbone. Nor does he think you are valuable enough or a priority, so he is not considering your feelings or opinions.

OK, I am going to be very blunt. Do. Not. Sell. Your. House. Do. Not. Marry. This. Man.

If you do, you are asking for a lifetime of legal and financial problems not to mention heartbreak and misery. You've been warned ...

Tell him you are not moving in and furthermore, your marriage will be postponed until he resolves the situation with his SS and then undergoes pre-marriage counseling to find out why you aren't the most important person in his life - his former family is.