Wish I didn't have a SD

Forums:

I have been married for a little over a year now. I have a 4 year old son from my previous relationship. I have a 10 year old SD who is... ugh to me and a 5 month old son in this marriage. I love my Husband and marriage. I love my 2 sons. My SD... I can't really love. My husband and I have argued over his daughter and my son many times. He gets mad when the boys have matching outfits and I take pics of them. Yesterday my SD had a bball banquet and I was going to it as well for support of my husband basically. My 4 year old was going to my parents but my brother is in mid terms so I told him I would get my son by 8:30.
Well when the hubby got home, I mentioned I would drive my car so in case I had to leave early, he wouldn't. Well... he told me not to waste gas out of both cars so don't go. Of course I argued that a bit but...no win. So I didn't go. I was dressed and all. Had baby dressed and my 4 yr old. He comes bck home with SD and I ask him how it went and he tells me "You would've known if u went" of course... we argued b/c he told me not to go. He went on to say Idc about the SD as well as my fam. And for none of us to ask him for anything since its gonna be that way. I don't understand it!!! Sometimes, well all of the time. I wish I didn't have a SD. When she is at her moms our family is great. She has lied on me times before as well. My husband has custody. Any suggestions? I don't like the SD very much but I adore my hubby so much I'll deal with her but not if we keep arguing over dumb stuff like that. He is like a little B**ch when it comes to that stuff!!! I've seen marriages end b/c of kids. I don't want that. But how do I let my husband know that I care about him so therefore whatever his daughter does I'll be there for support? But yesterday... I can't wrap my hand around it. He didn't want to be put in a time limit so that's why I offered to drive myself. But when he returns, he went ballistic on me and even said it wasn't that important to me or I would have gone. And it was her last banquet for bball before middle school. But To me Mid terms are more important and if my brother was willing to watch my son for a little bit that was gracious enough. Plus the banquet ppl don't allow siblings! Any help???

I find it so hard to

I find it so hard to understand how someone can love a man who treats them like this. What is there to love if there's no respect? This girl isn't going anywhere right? This is what your future will hold. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. She's not so much the problem.

That husband of yours sounds like the problem to me. Do you both talk to each other like this or is it one sided?
I'm not trying to sound disrespectful, just trying to understand the dynamic of the relationship.

Duct-tape, I didn't find that

Duct-tape, I didn't find that disrespectful at all. Actually we haven't really talked about these issues b/c I find ways to apologize and ease the situation. A few weeks ago we argued about my sons matching for church and the SD didn't have an outfit to match. He told me he didn't think I should take the boys pics matching. My mom got their outfit thinking my SD's grandmother was getting her dress. And my husband was so mad he just lashed out about how none of us care about his daughter and he will start treating my son differently to make me see how it feels. (He hasn't done that tho) But the next day sd had a bball game so for me to ease the situation and prove he was wrong about us, I went to the game and ever since then we haven't discussed that situation.

Please stop finding ways to

Please stop finding ways to apologize to ease the situation. You are making it worse. You are teaching him that he can blame everyone else for HIS problems and frustrations. Just let him deal with his crap. Dont' take it on yourself. I promise you it will wear you to a point where you feel so depressed and lost. Stop this now.

Everything is a challenge with him and its like he's constantly looking for something wrong. Back away from that game.

I just wanted to say you and

I just wanted to say you and I live the same life....loving our husbands dispite their misdirected anger, and guilt behing the DD. I too get this from my husband. Amazingly they accuse us of not loving our family or the SK. My husband never gets the things I say and do are the same things I'd say to our kids.

Next time he has something

Next time he has something with his daughter, such as this, then tell him in advance..."I can only get someone to watch my son until 830PM, so I would have to leave before then...or can you find someone to watch him, so that I can stay until it's over?"

this is not about the sd. If

this is not about the sd. If the sd wasn't there he would still be finding things to call you out on. It's called manipulation. He's manipulating the situation and sounds like he uses whatever circumstances that he has.
It almost sounds like he uses the sd to get to you. Don't fall prey to his guilty manipulation tactics. Just shrug and walk off.
Believe me, I know this behavior. I lived with a class A manipulator and drunk for 23 years!!
They can turn anything around on you in seconds and make it all your fault. Then you start to feel bad bc you think you really did at some level mess up. This is the only control that the manipulator has. It makes them feel powerful.

Momagainfor4 I agree!

Momagainfor4 I agree! Maniupilator. We don't argue about anything but her mostly. Its always something. That's why when he is gone and its the kids and I I control my sons but when it comes to her... I watch what I say to her and how I say it and my actions. Previous she used to lie on me and my son that we did this and that. My husband knew she was lying but now... its like... I am the bad person and I feel horrible. This is why we can't even have intimate moments together b/c everytime its always about her. Hut when she is gone to her moms, our lives are great and I can breathe. We don't argue a whole weekend! But how do I bring this up to him? I can't keep being married to him feeling guilty.

Sooooo then his daughter is

Sooooo then his daughter is important, but picking up your son isn't? Yeah, he's self centered and yes, being a little bitch.

My SO gets really mad when he feels like people are putting a time limit on him. I don't know how he functions not dealing with the reality that people work on something called time. I have learned to do my own thing on real world time, if he's late he's late and we drive separately. Complaining at me because we are driving separately, NOPE that won't happen. Its my car I'll drive it when I want to.

I'd just tell your DH "Well, you asked me not to go since I had to attend to my son. I found it rude of you to assume I should just leave my son, but you don't like him anyway" Turned right back around on him.

Agreed, it is important to

Agreed, it is important to find a solution to their problem, and being antagonistic and judgmental is not helpful. I hope people can remember that others come on this site for helpful advice, not to be bashed. She is already feeling bad and wants help, why do some feel it necessary to hurt others with their words just because they don't like the opinion of that person? Is that how good, wise, and understanding human beings act when they are attempting to give help?

Also, if she doesn't feel right, or if she feels hurt and resentful, it is first and foremost her DH's problem. If her DH did everything he can under the sun to make the situation work, AND she still won't work with him, then yes, she has to bear the blame too.

To stepparent goes into this wanting to hate the skids, but their partners often takes it for granted how much they should be involved.

My DH would have been crushed

My DH would have been crushed if I deliberately cut his child out like that.

As a BM, if someone did that to my kid, I'd be spitting nails. Kids get stuck in these situations because of parental decisions.

the SD don't wanna have a

the SD don't wanna have a part in that. She don't care. I wasn't taking pics to be mean. The boys matched that day and the SD wasn't even home! She was with her mom. I don't hate my SD. But she has put me in a situation to where All I can do is help her with whatever and that's it. My mom brought the boys Christmas outfits b/c my husbands mom was buying the SD hers. So... my mom n law splits that up. On her own and leaves my boys out. Since day 1. So... no... it wasn't me being mean. Sorry u feel that way. I include SD in alot even when I dont want too but I do. She is mean to my 4 yr old. And my parents weren't home yesterday. They work! So it was my 21 yr old brother who is in college. So again... I wasn't wrong neither was my parents.

I'm not sure where your Dh

I'm not sure where your Dh thought that you could find matching outfits for kids of different genders with that big of an age range.

You have every right to take pictures of just you kids. Same as he has the right to take pictures of just his kids. I to some of just bioson, and some with all the kids. And once bs2 is born, there will be some with just the two of them. And yes, I have coordinating outfits for my two boys (not.matching, cause I don't like matching), but not the older skids. For Xmas pictures everyone is coordinating, or the boys match and SD coordinates.

The way I see it, if Dh and I ever break up, I don't want every memory of my BIOS to have the skid in it. I am entitled to some pictures of just my kids, as are my parents and family entitled to pictures of their grandsons/nephews. I will be sensitive to the skids, and only go for these pics when they arent with me, but I will have these pictures.

As for the banquet thing...maybe don't wait until you are ready to leave to bring this stuff up. Had you told him a few days prior I think it would have worked out better. It probably felt to him like you were trying to back out at the last minute. I'm sure you knew long before then than bs had to be picked up by 830.

....I am not sure why so many

....I am not sure why so many people latch on to the picture thing.

There are pictures with just me and my sister, there are pictures with just me and my mom, pictures of my sister with our dad, pictures of me with one cousin but not the other, etc... it's silly to say that it's mean to just do it with the boys. After all, if I had two boys and a girl, and there was such a large age difference, there would be definitely pictures for those two boys together, because... boys wear boy stuff, girls wear girl stuff.

Like when people have three kids and another child, you're bound to see pictures of the twins without the other child. It happens. Deliberate or not, it's up to the parents to take pictures of their children.

I have an issue with the car thing. Why can he control whether or not YOU take out another car? WTF? Both I and FDH have a car each, and we drive if we feel like it. If I have something to do that requires me to leave early from an even, we either take two cars, or he leaves early with me. It's our choice, but my life and decision are MINE. That was ridiculous to me.

You guys need to talk this out and maybe change the way you do things because it's not okay to live like this. It sounds like he's punishing you for not doing things his way, IMO.

Sounds like her DH is a

Sounds like her DH is a control freak, if it's not his way, he'll flip and go the complete opposite and then be snide to her about something he refused to compromise on.

Seriously, the car thing made me go :jawdrop:

I'm an independent person, if someone ever told me I can't go somewhere in my own car, wow, they'd better watch out because I'd leave them so fast they'd get whiplash.

I appreciate the back up.

I appreciate the back up. Like I said. I don't hate my SD. I actually hope we grow close as years go by since she is getting older. We could have alot of fun. There isn't alot of outfits for her to match the boys. I have checked. I do know we can color coordinate which I plan to do for Easter. I include her in alot. But yesterday was crazy. I feel like he did this on purpose just to accuse me and I told him that last night. Obviously gas is more important than his daughter. I also said that to him. But he said No but there's no need to waste 2 vehicles gas. I understand it was her last banquet. I WANTED to be there so bad. I didn't think about driving separately until an hr before he got home. I asked him if he thought it would be over before 8:30 and couldn't promise so that's when I said I'd drive. But he refused. So... I didn't go. And then he got mad. I mean...maybe it is communication. I thought about counseling....

Yup, not for the "good of the

Yup, not for the "good of the child" at all. That boils my blood.

If you do a lot, you're accused of overstepping, if you do too little, you're accused of not caring and not wanting to be involved. WTF is this twisted logic? They want you to parent, but the moment you step up and do something that is different from their idea, they yank the control back from you.

I'd definitely look into couple's therapy, one that understands blended family dynamics. Otherwise, pretty soon I'm sure this will drive you crazy, if it hasn't already. He seems like a selfish prick.