I think you gotta ask yourself what you are worth and what can you live with......You deserve a man who is solely invested in you and not caught up in the past of what could have been. If he hasn't created boundaries and doesn't want to address something that bothers you that is another red flag.

Are you still willing to continue in a relationship like this? Its not easy letting go but if you are unhappy and don't see a solution and that things will improve you have no choice but to walk away or continue in this toxic cycle.

I think that you really have to leave his past in his past. Unless he cheated on you, move on. You have boundaries that you can accept. You have a relationship that you are happy in. Let it go. If you can't then move on. 

Having been divorced, I can tell you that my perception of how my marriage ended, why, and how I reacted is far different than it was after it happened.

Now, I am likely to tell you that it was toxic, we were too young, and we are both much happier now that it is over. Then? He was an abusive f***er and I fell hook, line, and sinker multiple times for nearly a year after we separated in hopes that he was changing. I was broken and all I wanted was my husband back, and if he showed the tiniest bit of trying to fix us, I would still be married to him (likely would, anyway).

Basically, people change. Their understanding of what the relationship was changes as they heal. As I grow older, I see where my XH was abusive, where I was abusive/manipulative, and how our relationship was destined to fail. My perspective changes and evolves every year going forward, as does my DH's perception about his relationship with BM.

Now, the question becomes, do YOU believe that your SO's interpretation of his relationship has changed as time goes on, or do you think he actively lied to you about the nature of that relationship? And, if he lied, did he do it to deceive you or to deceive himself? Lying isn't okay, but if he is doing it as a coping mechanism for himself, I think that is easier to work through than knowing it was done to appease you.

So, you need to ask yourself: was he lying, or has his perception changed? If he lied, why? If his perception changed, does it matter to your relationship?

Do you believe he loves you?  Do you believe he is over and done with his EX?  If so, going back and into his old private messages to his EX is probably not productive.  I mean, of course he is not going to tell you that he cared about her.. even post divorce that he may have still had mixed feelings about things.  I also hope he gave you full permission and you didn't snoop on your own.  If this was behind his back.. I really think that was wrong on your part. 

In any case, even if he wanted the divorce.. he still may have been going through a mourning process over the end of the relationship.  He and his EX may have continued enmeshed communications out of habit and difficulty in letting go.. It doesn't mean that it wasn't right for them to split.. but not everyone cuts off in the same way.

Now, we all have to realize that in almost every single case that our current SO's were in love (or thought they were) with their EX'es.  Even the situations where the people weren't married.. at some point, they had some level of attraction to the other person.. despite all the "she trapped him... she schemed.. he was always disgusted by her" words that you may hear him say.. at some point in time they were attracted enough to each other to produce a child.  My DH hates his EX. but at one point, he did love her.. I know he did.. but she turned out to not be who he thought he had married.  Is it helpful for me to go back and read their old messages?  NO.. why?  what will it do?  tell me something I already know deep down?  That there was a caring relationship at some point?  That maybe they communicated more than I thought when they split? 

I'm not saying that knowing why a relationship ended can't be helpful at times.. (he cheated etc..)  But, unless you worry he is NOW still in a relationship with her.. and not sure of your place.. I say leave it be.  If you are unsure.. maybe it's not the right relationship.

Step away from his past, it's dead and gone. Why are you poking at it?  Curiosity killed the cat and will also destroy your present happiness. He and BM's love story is over. In my experience everyone sees a sitution differently so let your DH have his dillusion about his past. It's really none of your business.  

My own story, DH offered to tell me EVERYTHING and the details when we first got together. I declined and asked him to give me a brief overview of his past and leave it at that. I knew he and BM were swingers and I'm sure there were lots of very interesting details but I didn't want to make his past my current reality. Also I didn't care to know about all the people he had been with. Knowing me I would get mad and start a fight over ancient history that had nothing to do with me.  

Ignorance truly is bliss in my case. I live very much in the present with DH and we are busy making future plans.  His dark, dusty, drama filled past is his, just like skids are his.  I've disengaed so much that I don't care to hear any pre-Dh and I stories. Happy to be out of the old irrevelant first family loop. 

Ugh, you probably wish you had never read those. They are from the past. 

I once found a "couseling" sheet that DH and his second wife filled out before they got married in a bible. They had to rate what was important to them and DH put sex as a 2, as in, not important. LOL. Might not have been then! 

I came across an email chain on SO's computer while deleting all the old pics of BM that she had uploaded to the computer when she lived there (Seriously, there were at least 1,000 selfies of her. It was ridiculous). On the emails, my SO was BEGGING BM to give him another chance, saying he loved her, and then asking why she wouldn't reply. He even sent a sex video they had made (literally the most boring sex in the world, she laid there like a dead person...but like a moth to a flame, I watched it. lol). It was all completely cringe-worthy, and it had only happened about 3 months before we met. But of course, what has been seen, cannot be unseen. He had told me that he went through a dark period when they split up- he hated her and they weren't happy together, but they also had been together 16 years, since he was 21. He then found himself alone for a week at a time with no kids or anything around the holidays, and he struggled and felt like having her and the kids back would at least make him not be lonely. Still, even with him telling me he used to contact her and kind of wanted her back for a month or so, seeing it all there in black and white made it real, and gave me all sorts of feelings. It was hard. The only thing that made me get past it is absolutely knowing now that he doesn't feel that way about her anymore.

It's like someone else said, you grieve the marriage, even if it was unhealthy (theirs was), and sometimes say things that are skewed (admitting fault, etc, even if it isn't accurate), just because it is so hard to come to grips that it is really ending. I can't really fault your SO for that, he probably is kicking himself now for those emails... but if I were you, I would be upset that he misrepresented the relationship to you, because no matter how you spin it, it is still lying.

Honestly, unless you feel you want to possibly end the relationsip unless he talks about it, I would just focus on the changes since those emails. You know he doesn't really want to be with her anymore. They had a dysfuncional relationship and it's very possible it was a mutual divorce. People do crazy things when relationships end, even if they aren't truly happy in them. It's hard to move on. Jealousy happens. Think of YOUR past relationships, and how hard it was to let go. Now realize that your FH went through the same thing, and allow him that. Focus on the future and realize that focusing on the past could very well ruin this relationship.