How much love is too much for a skid?
Recently, I received a text message from my SS7's BM and in short (it was 8 texts long) she told me to stop having her son call me his new mommy "and we wont have any problems". "Don't tell his family like my mom you dont "oppose" to him seeing her." It all started after the BM's mom texted me and asked if she could pick up SS7 so he could see BM on our week. I politley responded that while I dont oppose to her seeing him, it is our week and we had plans for the day. SO refuses to speak to BM (or her family) unless it specifically relates to pick up times or SS7 is sick. She has a habbit of flying off the handle or trying to manipulate him whenever he talks to her.
I was shocked! I have never let my SS7 call me mommy because honestly, that isn't my place. I had no idea where she was getting the new mommy idea.
The BM is emotionally unavailable to SS7 and pawns him off to family members when she has him for the week, so I know he feels neglected over there. SS7 comes to me when he needs some TLC and it feels so wrong to deny him that. I treat SS7 just like I do my own 2 year old. Is this wrong? Am I crossing a line?
I just don't feel it's right to treat them diffrently. At the same time though, I don't want BM coming loose everytime SS7 goes home and tells him how much fun he has over here or how much attention he gets from me.
SS7 does this to try and get her attention, I think. She texts me in a rage almost everytime he goes to see her telling me I'm just a babysitter and nothing more. Im 14 years younger than she is and she makes it a point to bring that up as well, insinuating that I'm just a little girl who has no idea what Im doing.
Has anyone delt with this before? What can I do to make her stop going crazy without ignoring SS7?
I'm at a total loss.
Your problem is communicating
Your problem is communicating with the ex and her mother. Why are you doing that? I don't care what the relationship is between your husband and his ex, that is his job to you. Not yours. Take yourself out of the equation. There is no problem with the way you treat your SS, don't worry about what she has to say about it.
I decided years ago to not complicate my life by dealing with my husband's ex. He picked her, he gets to deal with her. I will take care of my family the way I see fit.
You're 100% right San. I
You're 100% right San. I guess I was just trying to be polite and be pleasent but it seems BM is going to make that impossible. I never respond to her texts anymore because no matter how nice I am, all she wants to do is rage. The reason BM's mom reached out to me was because she knew SO didnt want anything to do with her and I should have ignored her. They reach out to me constantly and slowly I've been ignoring anything they send. I just have this idea that everyone should be able to get along and be nice but that's naive and I should know better. I just don't understand the need for so much drama.
I know exactly what you are
I know exactly what you are going through!
I have this same issue.
It is hard to communicate with an idiot so I don't think you should make yourself do that.
I do think however, that you need a mediator and as horrible as it will be, pick up the phone or PHYSICALLY sit down with BM and lay it out. After that, she is just being an idiot.
I agree with the others.
I agree with the others. You're doing the right things. I'd block her phone with a final text saying she will have to communicate with her ex from now on.
Yeah I read where he won't. Well that's not your problem is it? They're the parents - let them sort it out. Make sure you tell him what you're intentions are so he'll be prepared. Advise him that many ex's communicate by email or snail mail only.
I am a BM and a SM and it
I am a BM and a SM and it never occured to me to communicate with my exDH's SO, who became his wife. Looking back, I wonder if that might have worked out ok, seeing as she is the nicer of the two between exDH and herself. Anyway, we didn't talk much back then, but we get along just fine now whenever we see each other (funerals mostly).
I am sure in the early days, my bios' SM must have thought my kids were awful and I was overly permissive. They were sometimes huge brats for exDH when they used to somewhat follow the visitation schedule. He could have had them on the off days too if he wanted but he never usually did. My bios felt rejected by him and made his life hell at times during "visits". I used to try to coach them to behave well and look for the positive but it didn't always work. Some of the BMs that are described here either really ARE awful, or there could be misperceptions and/or the kids are working it to get the most needs met. Maybe a combination of all three. I am thankful my bios have a really nice SM. I have no idea how she puts up with my exDH, ;). He's not a bad person but perhaps a bit narrow minded.
I agree with the other posters here who suggest you step right out of that toxic threesome of SM, you, and SM's mother. Not your place. Time to man up SO and take care of your own dirty work!