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BM says she's HAPPY for us and our marriage

supermom89's picture

Submitted by supermom89 on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 1:44pm

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Ok I'm confused. I thought when you spit venom and call MIL crying because we got married 4 yrs ago that that meant you were NOT happy we got married. Anyway, I asked BM to call me to clear the air because she told DH she gets the "vibe" from me that I THINK she's jealous of me and/or my marriage with DH. Here's the thing, I KNOW she doesn't want to be with DH but she's lying if she says she's never envied how I have a unit, structured and he is a great father and man of the house, something she never got to experience. I will tell her I love SD5 and want to at least attempt to be in good waters with her so SD can experience a positive life with us all there to love her. Here's the thing, BM always cries whenever she sees me (later in front of family) etc and she LOVES drama although she claims I'm the one causing drama. What in your guys experience do you think will happen after this 'clearing the air' and what are the odds shes truly happy for us?? That sounds like such BS to me. It's silly.

SMof2Girls's picture

Submitted by SMof2Girls on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 1:52pm

I wouldn't even bother with the phone call. I don't communicate with BM directly at all. If she has issues with me or with DH's marriage to me, then they're just that .. HER issues.

You just can't reason with crazy.

SMof2Girls's picture

Submitted by SMof2Girls on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 1:58pm

"i'd record all conversations with her"

Be careful with this .. it's against the law in my state to record phone calls with people without their permission.

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:23pm

And if you are just recording phone calls to show others how NUTS she is (or you are }:) ) and not planning on using it in court, it doesn't matter!

SMof2Girls's picture

Submitted by SMof2Girls on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:25pm

That's not the case here. It's illegal to do it at all, regardless of whether you use it in court.

Granted, if no one can PROVE it, then I suppose it doesn't matter. }:)

Either way, it's something OP should consider in her own state before hitting the record button Smile

supermom89's picture

Submitted by supermom89 on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 1:59pm

got it. my thing is she has so much resentment toward my DH and it shows. She tries to act as though shes not an emotional wreck but I see through phony like a glass window. I just feel like one day,maybe not soon but she is going to admit to DH she is still not over it and/or upset that he chose to marry me and not her, being a full time dad to our 2 kids and he was away at college when they had SD

Shook's picture

Submitted by Shook on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:01pm

Ignore BM. Let her cry & don't even give her a second thought. Asking BM to call you "to clear the air" is asking for drama.

Newstep's picture

Submitted by Newstep on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:20pm

^^^^^THIS!!!! You know she isn't happy and if she "thinks" you "think" she is jealous of you :? :? :? She is spending way to much time thinking about you and your life. Stay far away from CRAZY!!!

supermom89's picture

Submitted by supermom89 on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:09pm

too late to ignore I already fb msged her and she said she will call me tonight near 7 so what do I say? SMs help!! I'm just doing this for DH so he sees I'm not the dramatic or the one who won't attempt peace.

I failed to mention due to BM's whoring around a close friend actually knew a guy she was dating and I talked a fair amount of negative about her and it got back to her. (happened a year ago) since then, I have not done or said anything to create an issue, shes just holding onto it and feels I have a vibe around her that hints I think she envies me or US. (Which she does but when she calls I'll say I know she doesn't ) lol

SMof2Girls's picture

Submitted by SMof2Girls on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:14pm

I would approach the conversation with the stance that you are just trying to air out any bad feelings so that the two of you can have a cordial relationship going forward. Don't let her get off track or rant/rave at you. Keep the call limited in time, to like 10 minutes or so. Come up with a reason to get off the phone if it's taking too long. Don't be afraid to hang up on her if she starts to meltdown; and don't respond/engage nasty behavior.

Good luck. I strongly advise against talking to her when you know she's emotional. If you insist on doing it, be prepared. Let her lead the conversation and get out whatever feelings she has.

I just can't even imagine how awkward/uncomfortable this would be for me with my BM. My general response to her is to take it up with DH Blum 3

supermom89's picture

Submitted by supermom89 on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:19pm

thanks, this helps. I just want her to act normal no need to lie and say you're not jealous lol oh yeah, in her convo with DH she kept saying "control your wife" referring to me talking about her. WTF? No one has control over me, this is America!

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:15pm

You DH should not be listening to ANYONE especially BM talk about you and your marriage. BM doesn't get an opinion that counts about your marriage.

I wouldn't talk to her. That implies that anything she has to say has merit.

supermom89's picture

Submitted by supermom89 on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:16pm

she cries because shes drunk, (she's a young alchy) and she last cried after getting in my face at SD5's birthday party at her family's house. (a friend who is engaged to DH's friend and SD's godfather) told me after we left she started crying saying "i'm so sick of her, i'm so sick of her' and this was January of 2013 but BM swears she does not want DH, shes extremely happy for us, blah blah blah. There isnt any drama but she's acting like there is, its all old talking sh*t that I'm sure she's done alot more of between the two of us in the last 4 years

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:32pm

When you talk to her, I'd encourage her to seek out counseling.

Maybe she feels like SD is loved by DH less because he married you and is a full-time dad to your kids, so she is acting like this? I don't know. Maybe she needs reassurance that this is not the case.

What she should be doing is thr right thing by SD. So many choose to walk away from their kids. It seems like DH wants to be active in SDs life and help out. It's got to suck royally for BM to see your kids get a full-time dad while SD does not. It's got to suck to have to wonder if DH loves your bios more than SD. That is understandable. But those feelings do not make it ok for her to meddle in DHs relationship with SD. Those feelings don't make it ok for her to deny visitation and/or phone time (has she done any of these things)? Maybe if she's struggling with these feelings, she'd be open to letting DH have SD more/giving him more phone time with her (of course, he should suggest that to her, not you).

I definitely think you should say something to BM politely and gently about seeking counseling and how that would really help make things better for SD, and that DH loves SD just as equally as the other kids, wants to be a good, hands on dad to her, and you both want things to be cordial between all of you for SD's sake.

supermom89's picture

Submitted by supermom89 on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:39pm

thanks, I'll try my best. I really do love SD but her mom, I feel is just back and forth with "making peace" she told DH she can't stand me with a passion.

She used to deny calls/visitation now she allows the calls but always has excuses with the visitation (lives an hr and a half away too) she'll say SD has an activity but I don't see why DH can't take her to that activity sometimes. ...

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:40pm

You're welcome Smile Does DH have a court order in place outlining visitation and phone time? If not, he should get one.

supermom89's picture

Submitted by supermom89 on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:45pm

no he doesn't and i agree he should get one. because bm sometimes thinks she just is in control and its her way or no way.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 2:54pm

Please tell him that court orders are much more enforceable and can do much more to help him be an active part of his daughter's life than this current arrangement.

YellowBelly's picture

Submitted by YellowBelly on Tue, 05/07/2013 - 9:14pm

In my experience the best way to deal with BM is to not deal with her at all. I tried to be friends with her but she ruined that when she said she was going to name her one night stand baby after my DH and than later on told me "you know I could fuck him anytime I wanted to"

Now I avoid her at all costs, refuse any communication.