Held hostage by a 13yr old
I wanted to say to DH this morning.
"Are you listening to yourself? You are allowing a 13yr old to dictate schedules and visitation and allowing our schedules to be held hostage by a 13yr old brat." IS HE NUTS?
The plans in question actually don't interfere with the potential "princess show", but he didn't know that yet.
I held my tongue because things have been so ugly lately. She ditched last visitation and they rescheduled. But only after " Daaaaaaddddddddyyyyyyyyyyy, you don't want to see me." guilt trip.
I, however, am making plans with or without him. He is unsure of visitation at the moment and actually said, "I need to stay flexible until we know."
I know I'm being selfish. The kid does have reason to feel unstable at the moment- but that is SQUARE on her batshit BM. Why do I have to suffer?
HE might feel like HE needs
HE might feel like HE needs to be flexible but YOU by no means have to. I have the same situation...no set schedule, basically when SD feels like coming over she does. Last night for instance, I didn't know she was coming over, so I couldn't plan extras for dinner. I told DH that since he decided to allow her to come over last minute he could go without dinner if need be. I wouldn't arrange my schedule around a kid who "might" come over. Go do what you want and let DH deal with it.
"HE might feel like HE needs
"HE might feel like HE needs to be flexible but YOU by no means have to"
Exactly!
That "no set schedule" thing because "I want the skid(s) to feel like they can come over any time, blah blah blah" (TM) is just an opening for a BM to PAS out the kid. It leads to "daddy optional" and then the skid(s) sense/perceive the drama, then play it for all it's worth.
Go about your regularly scheduled programs with or without DH. I did the "waiting on the skids/BM" thing for so many years (over six) it makes me want to puke to this day. Everything was always tenative b/c the skids might want to come over (only if there were 24/7 goodies and no real life involved btw)
And this was when the skids started out at ages 7, 5 and 2 in my case. I'll never forget one day I was allowed to be "nanny" (and boy did I do the Nanny 911 routine--this kid has never heard the word "no") to the youngest when he was almost 7. He immediately wanted me to stop what I was doing because he "decided" at the last minute that he wanted to go with the BM's BM. Umm no way. Teachable moment: 1. you make a choice, you stick with it. 2. Kids don't dictate to me anything, EVER (my now grown and productive members of society bios didn't nor will anyone ELSE's kids)
That "no set schedule" thing
That "no set schedule" thing because "I want the skid(s) to feel like they can come over any time, blah blah blah" (TM) is just an opening for a BM to PAS out the kid. It leads to "daddy optional" and then the skid(s) sense/perceive the drama, then play it for all it's worth.
Boy did you hit the nail on the head here. We are dealing with this with SD15. Only wants to come see her dad when there is nothing else better going on and is generally treating him like he doesn't matter. Well, that is unless she wants something. His answer to this? He's taking her away on a rafting/zip line trip this weekend because "He feels like they need this". My response..."Oh, I think it's great you're rewarding her for treating you like a POS. But, she's your problem, not mine."
we have the same DH...
we have the same DH... sigh...
I don't feel so alone.
When I told him he was rewarding her for bad behavior, he said- " We need to bond. What do you want me to do? Punish her for the way she feels?"
He thinks that she needs to feel the warm and fuzzies for him in order for them to get back the closeness they once had. Forget the bad behavior and attitude.
What does the parenting plan
What does the parenting plan say? Stick to that. I have always stuck to ours for the most part, though xh sets his own rules now but my kid is older now. Make your own plans and stick with them! In fact, plan a nice get away and turn off the phones.
me too. I came along 9yrs
me too. I came along 9yrs after BM and DH split- they were never married. For whatever reason, they agreed to EOWE and support based on legal amounts req'd.
They also specified percentage co pays for dental, etc..BUT all done with a spit and a handshake... Fekkin nuts
All of this is wishy washy as DH foots most of the bills for extra curriculars plus all the driving since BM doesn't drive, nor does she have a car.
For sure he's being
For sure he's being spineless. But I also feel bad for the guy, because at the best of times he sees her 2x a month for about 6hrs each time.
It seems to come and go. He gets a backbone, then it turns to jelly. He establishes rules and boundaries, then inevitably in a few weeks those get bent because, as usual, her BM is such a POS.
There is no parenting plan per se, and of late is really screwy because of VERY bad blood between BM and I. Things that SD should not be privy to, but BM skewed to her advantage and told SD things that she NEVER should have.
That "no set schedule" thing because "I want the skid(s) to feel like they can come over any time, blah blah blah" (TM) is just an opening for a BM to PAS out the kid. It leads to "daddy optional" and then the skid(s) sense/perceive the drama, then play it for all it's worth. = YES!!!! YES!!! YES!!!! (BM and I have some issues- BM told SD, SD blames me, and in turn SD blames DH for 'allowing' me to treat precious BM this way...it's bullshit)
He also gets guilted by his mom.. My MIL. She wants to see SD13, so cries to DH about doing anything he can to see her.
"It seems to come and go. He
"It seems to come and go. He gets a backbone, then it turns to jelly. He establishes rules and boundaries, then inevitably in a few weeks those get bent because, as usual, her BM is such a POS."
That's known as the "Guilty Daddy Backslide"
It's also where you as a stepparent cannot be too "happy" about guilty daddy sticking to his guns, because it will cause him to "monday morning quarterback" i.e. "Hmmm if STEPparent thought I was doing the right thing by standing up to the BM/skids, then I MUST have been too harsh--I think I'll get on the phone to apologize and kiss up to the BM/skids."
If DH starts to stick to his guns, you must put on this wistful facial expression and say "that must have been hard for you to do--I know it would have been for me, but it's for the children's best interests" (then do a mental handspring)
LOL! That's what I did last
LOL!
That's what I did last week! I always say- "I know it makes you sad, but it's for SD's best interests. YOU have to teach her because we know her BM doesn't."
How do you deal with a MIL that guilts him?
MIL needs to know that giving
MIL needs to know that giving into BM's demands will backfire and actually HASTEN the alienation with HER and her grandkids.
How is DH's relationship with his father? Even though MIL and FIL may still have an intact marriage, MIL may have been a "ball buster" when DH was growing up. If so, you'll have a hard row to hoe because she probably "identifies" with the BM. If not, get her the book "Divorce Poison" STAT (get one for DH as well-I did so for guilty daddy in my case but he poo pooed it and said that "this would never happen to him--HA!!)
Thank you... I may get the
Thank you...
I may get the book for myself. MIL is no ball buster, but is the kind of mom that thinks any stifling of a child's' personality is stifling the child...
aka- no discipline, let the child get away with murder and run around like a screaming banshee.
My DH- by his own admission, wishes his mom had been more strict. He DOES not see the parallel.