New here, need help badly :(

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Hi everyone. I am usually just a creeper on these boards, but I really need some help. I don't know anyone that I am close to that is a step parent and I face quite a bit of challenges and would probably get flamed if I turned to another board.

I am 32, my husband is 41 and we each have kids from our previous marriages. I was married once for ten years and have a 6.5 yo son going into first grade. My husband was married briefly for a year when he was in his kid twenties, but he left her for another woman at work and married her for about 5 yrs and has a 5 year old son going into kindergarten and an 8 year old daughter going into 3rd grade. We made the decision this summer to move to the same city as his kids and put all three kids in the same school that his daughter has been at. I am now 8 months pregnant with a little boy of his, our first child together. This was not planned - my IUD expelled during a bad period and before I could get in to the doctor... BAM, pregnant

My husband and I have been together since May 1, 2009 and moved in together in August of that year. So obviously, his daughter is the only child of ours that remembers anything much. His relationship with his children's mother is horrible. She was a Thai immigrant here on a student VISA and his bosses niece and wanted a greencard. She started making advances towards him when his marriage to his abusive wife Pamela was falling apart. All three of them worked together. When they got married and she got her greencard to stay in the US (which my husband paid for, along with paying off her debt and buying her a beautiful home, wedding and ring), things changed. They stopped being friends, they barely spoke, he was being worked to death by her uncle and she wouldn't speak up for him. He tried to talk to her about the state of their relationship falling apart and the work issues but she just looked at him like an insignificant bug, like he was crazy. She wanted a baby and he really wasn't ready. He was never around kids much and was nervous. He was grossed out by pregnancy and asked that if they were to have a baby, that she explain things to him and be patient with him. Well, she didn't. They didn't have sex the whole pregnancy. He developed a porn addiction to replace their relationship and it all just fell apart. She insisted that their daughter sleep with her in bed so he spent four years sleeping on the couch. A few years later, they wanted to try and fix things. She demanded another child and that they have sex on Mother's Day. He didn't want the child to be second fiddle like he was when he was little and was scared but she pushed and pushed and along came Ty from one sexual encounter. When he was on the phone one night, she tossed the BFP test at him and said I'm pregnant and walked away. She never spoke of being pregnant. She just let herself go during her pregnancies and rarely spoke to him. She ate bowl after bowl of pasta and gained a ton of weight, didn't exercise, and fell apart. She grunted a few times in the hospital and out came a baby. The nurses thought it was eerie, she birthed like it was a job. So my husband has two kids and knows nothing about pregnancy. Even their honeymoon was a sham - she brought her family here from Thailand and went to Washington DC with them after the wedding while my husband went up north. The only time they did anything together was on Fridays they went out to dinner with her family. She refused to get a sitter and do anything with him. She brought him to Thailand and refused to speak English in front of him, teach him thai or even help him get a haircut. She pushed him out of the way when it came to him being involved with the care of his kids.

I worked with him and watched him fall apart - he was my boss for nearly 5 years. My marriage fell apart and so did his. We both got a divorce and married each other. We were madly in love. So yeah, we didn't do things the way we should and she hates him for it. She treats him still like he means nothing as a father. Her and I can talk just fine about the kids, but her and my husband just argue and hate each other. She takes it out on the kids and torments them by putting my husband on the spot in front of them and yelling at him and calling him names, getting extremely angry with them if they bring anything home from our house like clothing or shoes, etc.

This takes us to where we are now; three kids that are completely different that we have tried to blend for 4.5 years and a new baby on the way. One ex that's angry and one that is weepy and never around. My ex husband still loves me and wants us to come home. Four different people with different personalities raising our kids and exes that just can't get over it. What to do?

Dont take anything I say as a slight to my step kids - I love them very much and have known them since they were a baby bump. My son, Darren, is completely different. He is all boy, very outgoing and independent, can be loud, very affectionate, loving, wears his heart on his sleeve, smart, can be extremely emotional, very laid back and go with the flow, low maintenance. He is the type of kid that never complains or even asks for anything. You could give him a rock and that would be the best rock in the world. He can be a tad argumentative if something upsets him, emotional if his feelings get hurt, he's a little messy but that's about it. Anyone who watches my son says that they cannot believe what a good boy he is. Then there's my step kids. Call me crazy, mean or whatever you want, but its like they are from a different planet. I try so hard. I try to be patient, understanding, kind, loving, tolerant, flexible, supportive, you name it, I've committed to this family and I'm responsible and it isn't the kids fault that they have divorced parents and a blended family. It's the adults fault, but its the kids that suffer the most and I tell myself that every day.

Ty is 5.5 years old and is starting kindergarten this fall. He cannot count to 20, he cannot write or spell anything except his own name. He cannot draw a picture of something, he cannot color in the lines. He can play video games. Everything bothers Ty. Too hot, too cold, pressure = pain. His mother and father shove an iPod in his face because they don't want to deal with him. Everything is a major ordeal for Ty. Getting dressed and going go bed are each hour long processes. Food equals attention. Getting his dad to wait on him hand and foot is the goal. He treats me like a slave. He NEVER says please or thank you on his own EVER without prompting. He cannot do anything without an announcement. I am going pee, I am done with my milk, I got dressed, etc. He cannot make any decisions on his own either (neither of my step kids can). They need to know where every gum wrapper and item of clothing needs to go, they need commentary and guidance for everything they do in life. I don't understand it. Does someone else beat them if they take three bites instead of four? How many bites of food? What shows can I wear? Can I wear shorts? Both of them, ugh!!! Everywhere you go, Ty needs a snack. He doesn't really eat meals, but you cannot walk out the door without some snack that is acceptable to Ty. When you tell him what food you are getting him, he will chant the name of the food over and over until you give it to him OR he will say "where's my cookie? Where's my cookie?" Like you just aren't doing it fast enough. He fluctuates between talking like and acting like a small infant that literally just learned a few words and saying words that a forty year old would use. Now I realize that I'm not a doctor or a psychologist. I'm no one important or qualified. However, I have been working with kids with disabilities since I was 14 and this kid is on the autism spectrum - Aspbergers. His dad is in complete DENIAL. He cannot socialize with other children!!! He has no social graces or politeness. He is completely inappropriate and cannot react to social cues. Both his children interrupt constantly. I joke that I haven't had a conversation with my husband in their presence in four and a half years, but its not far from the truth!

Now there's Breena who is 8.5 going into third grade. Lets call Breena nancy negative. Breena is never happy or satisfied with anything ever. No playground, arcade, pool or anything else is good enough. She complains about literally EVERYTHING from the moment her eyes open until she falls asleep. Nothing is ever good enough for her ever. She needs constant adult interaction and conversation during all waking hours, period. I literally have to hide. Morning sickness has been HELL because I am puking and Breena needs me to talk though it. Why are you throwing up? Eww I can't hear that?! Is that because of the baby? Why? Why are you sick again? Why are you always sick. I have actually burned my hand on the stove trying to cook a three course meal for dinner and entertain her at the same time. I can't take it anymore.

So here's where husband comes in. He's a good dad, don't get me wrong. He is literally all consumed by his kids. Obsessed. Defensive. Ugh. They completely disrespect me no matter how hard I work my ASS of taking care of them. I can't take it anymore. This is an example of taking them out of the house: we are at the food court ordering Chinese food and the lady is talking. Breena is getting pisses right off interrupting because she needs to talk about a million unrelated things, I'm trying to order food, Ty is hitting and kicking my son. Ty hits and kicks everyone pretty much daily.

Here's the day today, just a couple of snippets. I took my son and my step daughter to the pool - they wanted to go. Ty only stands in the corner of the pool and plays his iPod, so I left him home with his dad who is working from home this week. Breena cannot handle seeing a bug anywhere. We have to leave the pool after taking an hour to get ready and only getting to be there a half hour because she thought she saw a wasp.
She complained so much that the pool tech was like wtf? The water was too cold (heated to 86 degrees!), the swimming noodle was broken because a tiny piece of foam fell off. And then the pool sucked because her water wing floated into the filter!!! She will stand there and repeat herself until you leave. Oh. MY. GOD. So I took Darren to the grocery store because he wanted tacos, we are broke but I had that taco kit you gave me so I thought ok, we can make that cheap, right? Well I walk in the door and Breena is already whining. She asked what I got from the store. I said beef and lettuce to make tacos for dinner and she's like awwwwww NOOOO I hate tacos! Not tacos for dinner!!! Every time I eat tacos they make me sick to my stomach!!! OMG!!!!! Brian is like "Breena, really?" Then there's Ty. Dinner and we are all eating. Ty decides just to eat shredded cheese for dinner. Brian says he has a choice. Eat more because he's sitting at the table until dinner ends or go in time out. Ty keeps repeating "I want to be done now!" Over and over and over again until he starts bawling his Eyes out and Brian takes him to his room for time out while he kicks and screams and acts like an infant. Breena starts making fun of him. I remind her that she has her moments too... She has been complaining since she woke up!

What in the world do I do with all this? My husband sometimes tries to say something, but most of the time just is aloof.

I think divorce might have to be the answer because I'm miserable and anytime I try to talk to my husband about doing something about it all, he gets so damn angry that he argues with me for several days, leaves me on the side of the road 8 months pregnant with my 6 year old not even knowing if I have a house key, screams and swears at me, and just treats me like absolute garbage. I'm at my end.

He left the kids with me instead of sending them to daycare for two weeks. By the end of the two weeks I told him I needed him to start disciplining them at night because its too hard on me this far pregnant during the day being the only one with real rules. After several days of treating me like crap, he started working from home.

He talks about my son anytime he has an issue and I take it seriously and am very cooperative about working together to parent my son in an effective way. I do not tolerate any disrespect my son would dish out to my husband. However, any time he's seen my son be even slightly uncooperative, its because my son is sad that he's been left on the side of the road with me, has to wipe my tears again because my husband is being a jerk or is screaming at me.

What do I do?

Any man that leave a pregnant

Any man that leave a pregnant woman - not to mention it is his wife & his child - on the side of the road is no man at all. You are better off alone.

^^^ Agreed.

Your husband is garbage. He

Your husband is garbage. He treated his other wives the same way he's treating you.

When he starts dating wife number 4, she will hear an off the wall story about how awful you treated him. Like you she won't discover the truth until she makes the mistake if marrying the jerk.

Disneyland has said exactly

Disneyland has said exactly what I was thinking. No wonder his Thai wife wanted nothing to do with him. You say he is a good dad. Really. Well he refuses to,discipline his kids, that's a heart lazy, disinterested dad, but worse, not only did he leave you on the side of the road, this good dad left his unborn child there too. He is neither a hood dad or a good husband. He's a selfish prick. Wife number 4 will feel horribly sorry fir him too when she hears about all the horrible women he was unlucky enough to find himself stuck with. She will hear all about his troubles with the Thai wife, then all about how badly you treated him to. It's not his ex, it's not you, it's him. Any man who would leave a pregnant woman and child beside the road and drive off not knowing if or how they would get home, is a prick. A husband, the father of that unborn child doing that leaves me with one question. Why are you even here telling us about it. He should have been out of your life that day. As for yelling a use and screaming at you for days on end. Make no mistake. You are in an abusive relationship with this man, you are being verbally and emotionally abused, no doubt his Thai wife was too. She was smart enough to get out. I hope you are too. You are damaging your child already by keeping him in a home where a man treats you like this, and your new bub will no nothing else but his/her father abusing their mother. Lovely start to life. You need to get out now.

>>> "leaves me on the side of

>>> "leaves me on the side of the road 8 months pregnant with my 6 year old not even knowing if I have a house key, screams and swears at me, and just treats me like absolute garbage."<<<

My husband is an asshole. Anyone who has read my blogs will agree, in fact I was preping to leave him just a little over a week ago. Once he found out that I was planning, he did the whole "please stay, I promise I will change" thing- and he actually has been holding up to what he said for the first time ever, so I am waiting it out for a while.

BUT not even he would do this. This is all out abuse that you are living in. I don't know if he is still hung up on how his exes treated him and is doing this to make sure he is not the one who gets hurt or what, but do you honestly want your boys growing up thinking that his behavior is OK?

If you decide to stay I REALLY REALLY think that you need to get counseling as a couple and by yourselves.

First of all, thank you for

First of all, thank you for the advice, opinions and support. I am pretty isolated from the world being a SAHM. I know that isn't fair to all of you that care and have sympathy- to be my only support and I realize that I need to at minimum get into counseling and make some changes in my life. I just want you all to know that there is sincere gratitude coming from this keyboard.

First, Breena likes water wings to use as a toy in the pool, she can swim but she puts them on her feet.

My DH- that's a whole different story and I'm going to be brutally honest that I should have given more detail than I did. He's left me on the road a couple of times but not like it may have came off. But please be honest with me, if this is abusive I need to know because he acts like the way he treats me is normal. I like walking and so does he, so sometimes we try and walk 3-5 miles in a day when I'm feeling up for it. Well one day I was having a very rough time. I've battled morning sickness which has actually been all day sickness of nausea and vomiting through this whole pregnancy. Well, this day was particularly challenging for me. I was having a rough day and the sickness was starting to get me down. DH called at lunch at about 12:30 and I was vomiting so much I couldn't even talk and was crying. He said he'd let me go so I could puke. I had written him a txt earlier that day telling him I wasn't feeling well and was depressed. He didn't call to check on me or see if I was ok, send a quick text, nothing. I eventually called at 4:45 pm and reminded him I was alive. We went for a walk when he got home. I told him I could walk with him, but that I wasn't feeling so hot and I needed to take it easy. I was a little but quiet on the walk because I was a little hurt about him not even caring if I was ok - I was 7.5 months pregnant with his kid! Well here's some more background. When DH does something to upset me, I have no way to deal with it. If I stay quiet, he yells and swears and gets angry. If I try and approach him (no matter how gentle), same result. Basically, if he does something crappy, its a punishment to me of three days to one week of pure hell: him keeping me up all night arguing and yelling, insults, telling me he doesn't care anymore, I end up sleeping alone, he takes off and doesn't say when he will be back, doesn't say he loves me... It's just hell. So I was trying not to express my hurt. But halfway through the walk about two miles from home on a main road, he ditched me and my son after screaming at me in front of him. He didn't know if I even had a key or got home alive. I had been very sick that day

Second time - we are on a walk with his kids and mine. His kids were terrors all day and I was completely exhausted. He asked in the middle of the walk why I was quiet. I told him lets talk about it later, its no big deal and not an appropriate time, to talk in front of all the kids. He kept pestering me abut it. I kept asking if we could talk later. He wouldn't let up, so I said that I was having a hard time with his son hitting and kicking all day and both kids complaining, and his daughter being so negative and it was very difficult to get through the day and I just need him to discipline the kids at night and on weekends so that we have boundaries and the kids know what to expect. He was LIVID. He kept poking at me and asking to give him and example and I did of his daughter complaining. He lost his mind on me in front of the kids. He said he knew he should have just gotten a babysitter, like its not his kids its ME that is the problem. He took the kids and ran off and left my son and I AGAIN not knowing if I had the key. He ignored my texts and was gone all night with the kids and didn't say a word not knowing if we made it home ok or anything. Horrible. I have to explain to my son why all of it happened.

This is the big problem that we have: he has no empathy or sympathy for me AT ALL and it causes him to do things that are uncaring. But yet he gets furious if I suggest that he doesn't care about me or the baby. I don't understand it. He can leave me on the side of the road, scream and swear at me, not even check to see if I'm ok when I'm sick, humiliate me in front of the kids... All these things and more while pregnant and think that's caring? He says being a pregnant is just an excuse and doesn't believe I am ever uncomfortable or sick. This is hell on earth. I've never told a person before that I am sick, especially very pregnant and has them literally show no sympathy or care for me what so ever, so I just don't get it.

Yes, Ty has some major issues and I believe he is autistic. I wish someone would get help for him, but both DH and their mother is in denial about it. It's like there's this severely autistic child in the room and everyone is pretending it isn't happening!! I told my husband that I talk about it because I care, because I want to help and I will help if he lets me. I'm praying that kindergarten will be good for him because the teacher will hopefully help him get help and confront his parents.

I assure you my husband is broke. We have struggled hard paying a huge child support payment and him having to file bankruptcy from the divorce. Things are so hard.

First of all, thank you for

First, Breena likes water wings to use as a toy in the pool, she can swim but she puts them on her feet.

I assure you my husband is broke. We have struggled hard paying a huge child support payment and him having to file bankruptcy from the divorce. Things are so hard.

^^^ right on!!

When I have approached my DH

When I have approached my DH about taking off on me like that, he just says that he was upset and he has the right to walk away when he's upset. (That's after him getting extremely angry that I am suggesting that what he did was wrong or uncaring in any way).

He has anger issues, and you

He has anger issues, and you putting up with him and trying to go on the easy side with him, will not help them get better. That only makes him feel like he was justified for acting like that because you keep putting up with it. Do it to him and see what happens }:)

Ok so you guys are right.

Ok so you guys are right. Unfortunately, its hard to see what is right in front of your face and what is real and not real when you've let someone tell you that you are the crazy one for all too long. Today took the cake. My parents gave me their old explorer when I lost my car and just asked to borrow it for the morning today to haul some cement away from their back yard. Well, my dad took all day long and I had a ton of things I needed to do, but I couldn't say no to my dad and I didn't have another ride to leave, so I sat around my parents house all day today and waited for my dad to be done until like 4 pm and was unable to do any of the errands I needed to do. DH is supposed to be "working from home" this week and knew what was going on. I came home after dropping my son off at his dads which I was late to do also, and DH was acting like he did something wrong. He wasn't looking me in the eye much, didn't put his arm around me at dinner - had this real guilty thing going on. Then I finally found out at least part of why. It was strange that it didnt seem like he wanted his daughter to leave his Sight. His daughter told me when he had to take his son to the bathroom that her daddy really didn't work today. So not only did he not work, he didn't pick me up or help me out, he lied to me about it, then even though he wasn't working, his daughter had to watch TV for quite a stretch while his son played video games because he was upstairs. Wonder what he was doing? Well screw this. When we got home, I left and I'm not answering my phone. I'm moving out. Not only has he shut me out and used my poor, pregnant, tiny body for a damn punching bag for all of his stress, he lies to me and treats me like garbage. I have done more with and for his kids in the last three damn weeks than he has done with or for my son in nearly 5 years. He hasnt so much as muttered a thank you for the thankless job of caring for his bratty kids. I'm done.

Oh and this is also on top of

Oh and this is also on top of his lies Thursday. He takes his kids for their annual checkup (which I care about), and tells me only that the doctor said the kids are perfectly healthy. His daughter let the cat out of the bag that the doctor said that Ty is having a huge issue because he cannot count, write, spell or draw anything and that's not good for his age, and that he son drinks too much high fat milk (which he acts like I'm a crappy parent because my son doesn't do). He is all up in my shit about my own kid and wants to know very detail of everyone and then just flat out lies to me. Whatever. I've been telling him that Ty needs help and is behind and have offered to help hundreds of times and he just gets angry at me and tells me nothing is wrong with him and kindergarten will be good for him, he just needs kindergarten.

(No subject)

:jawdrop:

what was he doing? looking at

:jawdrop: what was he doing? looking at porn?
Either way, what an a$$hole. Here you are moving around and doing all this sh*t while you're carrying the baby in your womb and he is just sitting on his a$$... Way to go leaving!!! Stick it up, because now he's gonna be calling and texting you that he needs you, that he will change, that he never meant to do this or that, blah blah, remember all he wants it's a free nanny, worker, and free sex Don't listen to his lies anymore!!!
Congratulations, you are free!!!

You're right, nobody can hurt

You're right, nobody can hurt me without my permission, and I'm gonna start taking back that permission TONIGHT. And you're right, he is calling a texting me like mad and I'm ignoring it all right me like he would do me. Kind of reminds me of the last two Christmases where he did something horrible to me and didn't feel like apologizing so he took all the money out of our bank account , emptied the house, dropped all the bills on me and didn't answer the phone for days leaving me to explain it all to a little boy and ruined Christmas.

Whatever you do, don't ever

Whatever you do, don't ever go back under any
Circumstances. Don't fall for his apologies, his promises, his charm, or let him or yourself use this baby as an
Excuse for going back. Stay well away
From this man. He is not normal, this is not normal behavior. Look after yourself and your children. I would not even
Bother to tell him when you go into
Hospital. You have no obligation to tell a man that leaves you on the road with your child and pregnant, who keeps you up all night yelling and screaming at you anything. Please stay away. He hasn't changed his ways for any of his other kids he's not changing them
For this one. Don't fall for the games he is about to play.

You are here

New here, need help badly :(