Fearful of Teenage SD Moving Back In (DHS called Twice)
My SD is 16. I also have a 2-year old boy and baby on the way. I have been in her life since she was 10. Her mother died at age 4 (was never in her life, pretty much abandoned her) and dad's following GF was in her life from age 2-9 until she cheated on dad, got back together, got pregnant with dad then abandoned SD and dad for several years while re-marrying and having SS call new husband "Daddy-Ben", my SS is 8 now (everything's 50/50, Friday to Friday) (Oh yeah, now SD is working at SS mom's new boutique! She came to save the day I guess!).
The second she hit puberty *boom*, here comes the issues. She thinks she has depression and this and that and although I am not a Psychologists (yet, still have a loooong way to go) I believe her idea of this "depression" comes from her hours of obsessive searching online to find symptoms of such to act out in her daily life to make people believe she has "problems" to gain sympathy (she wants to be an actress). She has always had love and closeness in her life with her father, grandparents (which are part of the problem in my opinion), me and most people close to her.
The last 3 years we have been in and out of counseling trying to find her "someone to talk to". But when it really comes down to it I think the counseling is just another thing to support this image she yearns for so badly (the starved artist-suffering teen-please feel sorry for me image). Forgive me if I seem cynical. I have never put so much energy and time into someone and get nothing out of it but grief and suffering.
We finally figured out her game about 2 years ago when DHS got called on us the FIRST time. We talked to teachers, her grandparents, counselors and State Officials about all the things SD has been saying about us like, we threw her down the stairs, we make her stand against a wall and watch us eat then "force" her to clean the table, we keep her in her room 24/7, we are mean hateful parents that physically and psychologically abuse her.
I can't express how far off all of this is and how much a stab in my heart this was when I heard it come out of these people's mouth. SD even had a counselor drop her as a client because of the lying telling her "if you won't be honest with me, I can't help you". Interestingly enough all of this really comes to surface when she is finally having to take responsibility for her mistakes/actions, like the 200 missing homework assignments last year that made her fail 3 core classes, or when asked why she isn't bringing her math homework/book home, "Oh no, we don't have a math book for class just a FOB we have to use at school" - lie-, or her lying about taking the computer to her grandmother's who told us "oh no, I don't have it! Well, I mean yes SD brought it over here and told me not to tell you". So pretty much when she doesn't get her way and is caught in her lies.
So last May the computer thing happened, we were arguing and I had my hands on her shoulders telling her "we are the only people in your life you have, your grandparents won't be here forever, you can't jeopardize our love and trust by lying", she bit the shit out of my hand and I slapped her in her face. Here comes DHS for the second time with the lies about making her watch us eat among other things. So she has been staying at her grandparents since then.
She has not changed at all. Currently failing 3 core classes, not doing homework, blah blah blah. I believe she has learned nothing and my husband keeps bringing up how "things are going to be different when she moves back in, different rules, blah blah blah". DHS point blank in our face told us we "have a record" and "if it continues they will remove her from the house". Well what about my other children? Am I supposed to sit back and allow this selfish, lying teenager to single-handedly destroy my marriage, my life, my children?
My DH and I got in a fight last night and I pretty much told him if SD moves back in then I'm going to move out and I am taking the kids with me. DH was abandoned by his parents at 13 and he feels he is doing the same to SD but in my opinion it is completely different since she is NOT being beaten physically and psychologically everyday or ANY day for that matter!
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being unfair? Should I in my opinion risk the lives of my children so SD can move back in? Should I risk my marriage by leaving over SD? Please, I am really needing some logical, not-so-angry advice. She will be 17 in December but who's to say DHS won't keep getting called even after she turns 18. I am just at wits end, pregnant, going to school, working full-time and wanting to just be happy!!
No, I wasn't arrested or
No, I wasn't arrested or booked or anything. The DHS worker told SD since she bit me then I had the right to defend myself (thank God!). DH and I have no record of any kind, except according to DHS we have a "record" with them, meaning, all the adults in SD's life she has lied to have called DHS because of what she has told them. Which is understandable but all lies!
Thank you for the smile! I
Thank you for the smile! I wish boarding school was a viable option. Trust me, I have looked into it! It costs tens of thousands of dollars and we just don't have that kind of cash handy. SD even brought up a boarding school a few years back. I told her then if she does well in school up to her senior year I would get a second mortgage out and send her to the boarding school of her choice, but of course that takes effort on her part and she didn't hold up her end of the bargain, yippee for my wallet!
HA! I love your posts. Tis
HA! I love your posts.
Tis true. If a kid ever bit me, and her daddy didn't give her an old school whoopin right then and there, both of them would be gone from my life. He raised an animal. Who the hell bites??? DHS twice? Oh lord. Fool me once....
Is your name on the house?
Is your name on the house? Because I would be telling DH that if he wants to live with SD then HE is the one who has to move - NOT YOU. It's not fair to your other kids to have so much upheaval. And I most certainly would NOT live with her or allow her to live in a home with other children. By biting you, she's shown that she is willing to get physical - no way would I allow her around small children. By calling DHS she's shown that she is willing to lie and damn the consequences to anyone else - no way would I allow her around small children. If DHS decides to remove ONE child from a home, they almost always remove ALL the children. No way in fucking hell would I risk that, not for my marriage, not for a troubled teen, not for ANYTHING.
It doesn't have to be divorce though. Tell your DH that while you support him wanting to be there for his daughter, you have other children to protect. Tell him (calmly) that the threat of DHS is real and you cannot in good conscience allow SD to live with the other children when it could so deeply affect their lives. He is free to go live at the grandparents' with SD, or get an apartment if he so chooses. That you two can stay married but live separately until SD is old enough to live on her own.
Of course I would view the above is a "last resort", really. I think your DH should stay with you and see SD on a visitation schedule, honestly. Plenty of divorced dads do that, and nobody thinks they are "abandoning" their children. But if he is unwilling to do that, then living apart is the only answer. (Although I would point out to him the inherent flaw in his logic - by choosing to move out to be with SD, he is "abandoning" his other children according to him. How is that OK?)
Your SD is one very troubled teen though, fake depression notwithstanding. She does need intensive counseling. Any chance insurance would pay for something like that? Maybe even inpatient? I'm not talking "go talk to someone once a week", I'm talking *every day* for at least a couple months. My own SD did that, the counseling center even did schoolwork with them (and it counted) so she didn't miss any school for it.
Yes my name is on the house
Yes my name is on the house actually. The only reason we bought the house is because of me. I like your advice about the intensive therapy 4-5-6 times a week. I will have to bring that up. Thank you!
I had the same situation with
I had the same situation with SS9. He gets absolutely no disciplin at his BM's house. No matter what he does she just tells him he's a special little baby and nothing is ever his fault. Well, he has fault at our house. I told DH I would not let SS9 continue to put my kids at risk, you either straiten his ass out or me and the my kids will be leaving every time he comes over. So, DH began disciplining, and guess what, it worked. He quit his shit or so we thought.
After he went back home he told his BM and his teachers that his daddy beats him for no reason and he's only allowed to sit in his room or at the table.
I made the executive order. I told SS9 infront of DH and his BM that he is no longer welcomed at our house. His lies have put the well being of my children and DH's other children in danger and he's put DH and myself in danger. He is not to come back until he learns how to stop lieing to get his way and get pity. He can stay where ever when we pick up his brother SS12. I refuse to have a stranger from CPS come into my home and judge whether or not I'm a good mother in their eyes when they know nothing of me, all because a bratty 9 year old wanted sympothy from his teacher or mother when he was in trouble. So good bye SS9, have a good life.
Of course my DH wasn't happy, and I would give anything to have a picture of BM's face, but DH is ex military so I explained my actions to him like this...sometimes you have to sacrifice one to save many. And now we don't worry about CPS getting called on us any more.
Press charges for her biting
Press charges for her biting you. I serious. My BD17 (she was 16 at the time) bit her dad and he (after pressure from me) pressed charges. I'm glad. She has lived with him since 2004 and raised her with few boundaries, rules, or consequences. Her behavior was awful toward all adults, her grades were failing (she should be a senior, but she's a junior), and she was becoming a really shitty person. Don't get me wrong, I adore her to pieces, but when she snaps, she SNAPS! He never did anything to help her, no counseling, nothing. By the time he was done talking shit about me and convincing her that she didn't want to live with me, her behavior was so bad that I couldn't risk having her here (something I had dreamed of for YEARS) and jeopardizing the other kids (my BD7 and SD10) and my marriage. Anyway, she's now on probation. It helps some with behavior and school (she actually goes most days), she has spent 4 days in juvie for a couple of probation violations. It also helps that she has moved out of her dad's and is living with her best friend and her best friend's mom. I feel like, as shitty as it sounds, getting her in "the system" now, while she is a juvenile, is the best thing that her dad could have done--even if it was the only thing he was actually willing to do.
Holy crap I just read a post
Holy crap I just read a post about my own situation. This is EXACTLY what I have been through! Spooky-eerie similar.
I told him under absolutely no uncertain terms she is never, ever allowed to live with us again. Ever. He accepted my terms. I am prepared 100% to walk should he try to let her come back.
Holy crap I just read a post
Holy crap I just read a post about my own situation. This is EXACTLY what I have been through! Spooky-eerie similar.
I told him under absolutely no uncertain terms she is never, ever allowed to live with us again. Ever. He accepted my terms. I am prepared 100% to walk should he try to let her come back.