The man I am dating has 2 adult children (18&19), 2 elementary aged children (7&9), and we have an 8 month old. Before the baby came along, he made it clear that his children will always come first. Always. He and I have lived together for several years, and honestly, it doesn't bother me that the kids come first, including our little one.

In our lives, although the kids come first, he has never let me down, he has never made me feel like #2. Honestly I would choose our daughter over him if I had to, as would most mothers/fathers. Perhaps he isn't trying to make you feel inadequate, it may be that he just does not know how to communicate how important his children are to him. Grown or not, I will always be mommy first.

As far as the grandma thing goes I have a unique perspective. My father re-married long after I became an adult. Once I had the baby, I was not very fond of his new wife being "Nana". However, my brother has a toddler that calls her Nana already. I chose to just let her be Nana or Grandma, even though I don't particularly like it. Perhaps his daughter isn't adjusting to the whole "dad is not with mom anymore, and who does this lady think she is coming into our lives like she's been here all along." I confess to having those feelings towards my step mother who has been nothing but kind to me from day one. She goes out of her way for the baby, and slowly, I am warming up to it, although it still feels weird at times...

I think the things we all face as blended families are uncomfortable by nature. That doesn't mean that life cant be great though. I think he could be a little more understanding in your desires to be grandma, but do not forget he may have insight with his daughter that you haven't been privy to... I would sit down and ensure that you both have an understanding that although the children come first, you need some security in your relationship... Failure to articulate what you are feeling is the fastest way to break up... Good luck!

I've heard it said around here that kids' should be the number one RESPONSIBILITY while the marriage is the number one PRIORITY. Sounds good.

Having said that, people do get hung up on semantics. In life in general, adults do make sacrifices for children. Because adults want the children to succeed, survive, and thrive. So it's a shared value and really no conflict.

The conflict typically comes when a bio parent essentially becomes an emotional vampire to their children, sacrificing EVERY damn thing to them and expecting others to, as well, so the parent can feel this top full tank of love juice at all times. Problem is this creates horrendous children who become non functional adults -- so all the sacrificing is really not for the child's benefit, it's for the bio parent's emotional neediness. Of course, it breaks the adults other relationships, too. Cuz no one on earth can sacrifice the way the bio parent wants them to.

If the bio partner (your partner in this case) has taught his children to respect him and you and to otherwise be good citizens everyone can be proud of, I wouldn't worry about the words he chooses to express himself. As long as he actually keeps the boundaries healthy, doesn't matter how the labeling and categorizing works out.

As for baby calling you gramma, do not make this a hill to die on. You are not the gramma. If baby and SD want him to say it and you are fine with it, no prob. But if they want to call you Missy Canadiangirl, just roll with it. As long as that name is acceptable to you.

Hey, this thread has made me just come up with what I want to be called by any grandkids (and they better not come for many more years!). I want to be called Mrs. Grandpa! Then there will be no confusion to baby or anyone as to who I am. I love being Mrs. DH and this sounds great to me. Hey, if it works for Mrs. Claus it sure works for me!

Maybe "priority" is just semantics (and maybe not). What does he MEAN by priority? If there is $100 in the checking account at the end of the month and your car needs new brakes and his kid's car needs new brakes, does the kid get the priority there? If you and he have made plans but the kids decide to invite Dad to an event, does he back out on plans he made with you in order to attend the event with his kids? Probe some specifics with him and see what that tells you.

My DH and I take care of each other first, our kids second. That's how we describe it. We've been married for 10 years and this used to be a difficult issue for us but we have, I think, figured out how to take care of ourselves as a couple.

When your DH allows his adult kids to treat you with disrespect he is shouting it loud and clear that THEY are his top priority. He told you that they will "Always" be his top priority. This means if you marry this man nothing will improve and he will do nothing about it.

I met DH when SD was almost an adult. I endured abusive behavior from both DH and SD for 20 years. While I was being verbally attacked by SD and her Husband, DH ran out the door telling me he didn't want to be in the middle. I gave him a choice of leaving. He chose to stay, and our marriage is better, but to this day 4 years later I still do not know whether he stayed for convenience or love. Sometimes this is unsettling. If I had it to do over again I would have never married him.

I have learned though to make myself MY top priority, involve myself with other things, think of SD as little as possible and for the most part have a happy life.

Let your partner be a BF if you want to, but until he realizes that his 'top priority' is the respect of his wife - by everyone - he is not worth marrying.

"what needs to change w/me (my thinking) in order to succeed in marriage (should we get married) do i just have unrealistic expectations of my partner and blended family."

In order to succeed in the marriage you are contemplating you'll need to adopt a doormat mentality. Enable his enabling. Have an open door and open wallet policy 24/7 concerning his adult children. Be okay with being the invisible behind the scene woman who does it all with no thanks. Accept the skids abuse. Oh and do all of this with a smile

Even in an intact family it's really hard to balance kids and marriage. Many marriages fail because one partner, (usually the man) doesn't feel like he's getting enough love and attention and looks elsewhere. Putting kids first all the time is a recipe for divorce. Somewhere along the line the dynamics of the family shifted and now the kids are what's most important rather than the lifelong marriages we saw from previous generations.

This topic reminds me of an article I read awhile back.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/01/ayelet-waldman-update_n_5639478...

Great quote from Waldman, "If you focus all of your emotional passion on your children and you neglect the relationship that brought that family into existence... eventually, things can go really, really wrong,"

I have gone through this thread ....... and honestly it was painful to read.

Canadiangirl, you really need to be strong, respect yourself and do what is best for you. Allowing your partner to blatantly treat you like this in front of his children and yours does nothing but damage to any future healing. The more you let him and his child stamp on your head, the more they will continue to do so, until you are way beneath the soil.

Like most stepmums on this site, the early stages of my relationship, when I wanted his children to like me, I put up with a whole lot of rubbish. I mean serious rubbish. At one stage my DH put his adult children on my car insurance so they could drive my car. It was his gift to me on my 40th so in his mind he thought it was okay. By the way, he did this without asking me. His children would not given greet me, they treated me and my son then 12 as if we were invisible. As I said that was a few years ago.

Having had enough of this kind of behaviour I decided enough was enough. I ended the relationship and decided to move back into my home (which I had rented out for years). When my DH actually saw that I was serious, a week before I moved, he pleaded with me to stay. We sat down and talked. I told him what my standards were and I was not going to be anybody's lapdog. He confessed that he felt guilty the effect his divorce had on his adult children and it was easier to deny it. That was 5 years ago. Now everyone knows there boundaries. Of course they SKs try every now and again. That last one was to have christmas at our house with their mother and them doing the cooking. This failed, as I told DH, no way.

In the process I learnt that everytime I spoke to DH about his children if it started on a negative note, instantly it would be denial or defensive on his part. So I make sure to always start on a positive note. Even when the delights thought it was a good idea for them and their mother to come to our house for Christmas. Once I start on a positive note, he is ready to listen and discuss. So far things has been only one way and it has been mine.

When I think of the years I suffered. The constant passive aggression behaviour of his children and my DH either never say it or turned his head. Had I had known, that strength and self worth was what was needed. I remember reading somewhere .... on it was in a book called 'stepmonsters' one wife saying she had a choice of being a doormat stepmom who everyone walked over or a strong bulldozer. I choose the strong bulldozer anyway.

If you partner is treating you like this now, I hate to see how he will treat you when you are married. If really need to stand your ground now.

Let me get this straight? :? :? :?

You: "my first priority is my children's emotional health, safety and stability will always be my first priority....."

DH: "(My partner said his) number one priority is his kids....."

And you are "shocked by that comment”. I am shocked at your shock. You are the one who clearly stated your kids were your priority and then your DH gave you the same message. No surprise in order IMHO.

You told him your kids come first and by default he is second and then you are hurt and offended when he responds that his kids are first and you are second" Really? :jawdrop:

You are both in a marriage doomed to fail if that is the perspective that you and your DH have IMHO.

My perspective is that the marriage and the spouse are always the unequivocal priority for both equity life partners. The marriage comes before spawn regardless of the biology of the spawn, grandspawn, etc….Certainly the top responsibility can and should be support of dependent children but the marriage is and should always be the unchallenged priority for both spouses. Grandspawn are the responsibility fo their own parents.

As far as you being called Grandma Vs. your first name, your DH nor your SD get to make that call. That is entirely your call. Minor children do not get to call me by my name. Depending on the kid in question is either "Dad", Uncle (Firstname), or Mr. (Last name). Never do I tolerate them referring to me by my first name. If their parents have an issue with that ... tough shit.