Does your DH mistake you not liking BM for insecurity?
My DH does...sometimes I feel like I'm losing it. Either I have problems (and no one else does) or something else is going on. Please help and let me know if I'm overreacting.
DH and I have been redecorating the place (he's been divorced for several years from BM. And we have been married for a few years). I told him I didn't like some items in the house and asked if we could replace them... His first thought, since he and BM either found or picked them out together was to ask BM if she wanted them...i'm not talking about nice items either, I'm talking about rocks found during a walk…
They already split things up in their divorce so naturally everything in the house is his or "ours"...I was upset, why bring BM into it? Why once again include her in our life, and offer her something they shared together when they have already moved on?
Is this not weird? I just feel like it's been enough already. This is not the first time this has happened.
I told him I've had enough of this already, and that I just want to be the point where we don't offer her things out of our house anymore because it's something they "shared" together…
Am I being unreasonable?
And where I'm coming from, is
And where I'm coming from, is we have had issues with her in the past. I make this comment to him that it's been enough and let's just move on and apparently I have insecurities....
If there were things that she
If there were things that she wanted, she would have them by now. Pack that shit up for the dump or the thrift store, whichever applies.
He accuses you of having insecurities, maybe he has a problem with letting go.
I agree. He said one of the
I agree. He said one of the items was something she requested, but he wanted to keep so he kept it. Now that we're getting rid of that does he really need to offer it to her? It's been years...at this point, I just don't know how to get through to him. It just seems like it so intrusive constantly. I don't want to be constantly reminded about her and it seems like there's no end, we can't even read decorate without offering her things.
Then he can just send the
Then he can just send the crap to her and be done with it. No reason to discuss, offer, meet for coffee, nothing.
I have some really nice
I have some really nice thongs from the past I could bring up }:)
My SO had a set of hideous
My SO had a set of hideous salad servers from his marriage and a dinner set I cannot stand. It's Carol Boyes which is pricey and trendy. I wanted to throw out the dinner set and send the servers back his ExW. I remember her liking them. He refused and gave them to a mutual friend. I don't mind stuff going back to Jabba from their marriage. Let me add mostly because it would send her up the wall!
I think the items can be
I think the items can be tossed. Like hereiam said, if she wanted the stuff, you can bet your ass, she would have it by now.
No you aren't wrong. If you
No you aren't wrong. If you walk into my SO's home that he owned with BM it looks like she just walked out the door two days ago. I hate being there. I feel like MRs. DeWinter except Rebecca's not dead. She's living down the road with an automechanic. Eventually at the four year mark I had to go into his cupboards and throw out her old jello packets and just crap in the cupboard that had been sitting there for years.
So here is what happens. She took what she wanted. For years. Our first year together she would let herself in his house and take the aloe sunburn medicene out of the fridge. We would come to the house and his dining room table was GONE. He never took the key back from her. So he has two cats. Had anyway. This house is on the lake 45 minutes away from my house where we now live together. We would have to drive a couple of times a week to feedt those cats for the first few years until my pitbull died of old age and now the cats are my house. So one time the cats peed or puked or did something gross to a basket of laundry that had been sitting in his house untouched for years. WE brought that laundry basket to my house and washed what was it. The beach towels went in the closet. The horse blanket went in the closet. Kids came over. Reported back to mommy. Mommy is calling and threatening that I stole her beach towels. That I stole her daughte'rs precious horse blanket for my own bratty kids. Now her kids are 13 and 15. LIke I said he and I have been together 5 yeras so they split 7 years ago. There were clothes in that basket that were size 7. First grader size. My kid is a first grader. She wears those clothes and they freak out and call mommy and mommy bitches to SO.
Trust me toss her crap without asking him. Just toss it if you don't like it.
I don't think that's
I don't think that's appropriate, and if your H had a brain cell he would know that this would be offensive. I had this same problem for a while prior to my H and I getting married.
At this point in time, I think our H and SO's do it to get under our skin, because they can't BE SERIOUS!?
Unfortunately, if he continues after knowing how you feel about it...he could simply care less about your feelings and that's not OK.
I agree with this, my
I agree with this, my feelings in this situation don't matter (or if they do, not enough).
How would our H's feel if we
How would our H's feel if we called up an ex (preferably a super-hot one }:) ) and offered them up some of "our" stuff...just to be nice of course.
How would our H's feel if we
How would our H's feel if we called up an ex (preferably a super-hot one }:) ) and offered them up some of "our" stuff...just to be nice of course.
OK, read all the way through
OK, read all the way through please because I think this is going to come out sort of wrong at first. (But I'm on your side, I swear! *lol*)
The example that you gave fits more into the "insecure" than the "dislike" category. Because in that example, BM as a person is totally irrelevant. You could have been talking about literally anyone, it says *nothing* about her as a person or any reason for you to dislike her other than that she was married to your DH before.
Now, that being said, why the fuck would your DH play that up? Because he TOTALLY IS. This has happened before, you said. I have to believe that you have mentioned it bothers you before too. And yet he keeps doing it. That means he's doing it on purpose to wind you up, and that's a dick move. Call him on that, because that is TOTALLY not cool to do to someone you say you love.
Haha. I get what you are
Haha. I get what you are saying. Just to explain, I say I don't like her because of all the problems she's caused in our marriage. Trying to kick me out of the picture, come onto DH after him and I were together several times, overly coming in a making herself feel at home during Drop offs, little digs and big cut down toward me and my son (our DS)...we finally came up with the rule that she's no longer welcome in our house.
Theres been so much pain that I've had to deal with from all the craziness, that I just want to be done with all of it. Then think about why he would offer her something that has literally no value other than weird sentimental value… I guess it just feels like it's kind of crazy and I feel like either I have a serious problem or something is wrong with this picture. Of course now I'm crying writing this... I'm just so over this crazy mess some days.
It may seem small, but it just feels so huge and wrong.
It is NOT small! Your DH is
It is NOT small! Your DH is behaving like an ass, he's hurting you, and that is never a small thing. Honestly, I think you need to approach him with THAT. Not "I don't like HER and SHE is the problem", but "DH, YOU are the problem. Why are you going out of your way to hurt me, because offering sentimental trinkets to another woman is hurtful. And you either hurt me ON PURPOSE or I married a man who is too fucking stupid to see how hurtful that is. Which is it?"
OK, you MAY want to tone that down. Maybe. I would be LIVID if I were in your shoes though and we would have the MOTHER of all fights.
I tried to tell him last
I tried to tell him last night how it felt...to sum it up, he really didn't care. We had a fight, where I was crying, telling him that it's too weird for me for this to continue to happen, and I was even thinking about leaving (I shouldn't have said that). It just never ends. I asked him if we could even speak with someone else or if you can hear another viewpoint, even a counselor. I was told that no matter what happens even if they told him he was wrong he would still give it/offer it to her because he needs to clear his guilty feelings for keeping it. I'm just out at loss. I mean, what else could I say at this point? Not insecure, just so over it.
Tell him to take everything
Tell him to take everything he would offer to BM and offer it to BM. If she doesn't want it, pitch it.
I'm sorry but it sounds like he wants to live in the past. My DH was like this, not with material items but his own insecurities because he had been done wrong.
He needs to get over it. No one deserves to live that way.
That's what he wants to do,
That's what he wants to do, and that's where I'm having a problem. It's been years, is it even necessary? Why not toss, or donate it. I'm not sure if I'm over reacting but it just feels weird and hurts.
I'm tempted to throw it all
I'm tempted to throw it all away...so tempted. I'm going to try one more talk first...lets see if that works.
LMAO! Sorry but BM used to
Sorry but BM used to do this to DH, every week or two she would find something to call him and discuss, and he could come over and get it or she will bring it to him.
It was just a way to talk to him and cry on his shoulder.
Whatever. Its not appropriate to offer it back in my opinion.
She used to also call him to give him clothes???? She would offer the kids clothes to him after she cleaned what didn't fit them out of the closet.
? Why would we want boxes full of clothes that no longer fit the kids ?
Weird
I don't have this problem
I don't have this problem because BM cleaned ... DH ... out when she left. Nothing but crap. If I was you, I'd just donate the items. Is your DH really going to remember and ask where something is? Or, box it up and put it in the garage and tell him to deal with it.
DH and older SKs made sure
DH and older SKs made sure just about everything BM related was gone before I moved in. I still found a few things. I gave them to DH, he pitched them without a 2nd thought.
I found things after that so I just threw the things away. I did keep a couple of things that the kids might want when they get older so I have them put up.. A baby book for SD with like 2 pages filled out of the whole thing, a birth announcement type pillow and BM's mother's ring.
DH wanted to throw the ring away, it isn't useful as a ring as it had to be cut from her finger but I told DH that when they got old enough, we could have a pendant made for each of them or something so it is put up safe for now.
I'm sorry you are going through this but if he can't part with things that were theirs together, I don't know.. I wouldn't be able to put up with that. i would have to have a talk with him. Maybe just a one time thing like, hey, I'm re decorating the house.. Make sure you get what you want to keep out on display so I know what space I have to work with..
I painted everything when I moved in even though DH decorated the house before (he would never, ever, ever make it in interior design). Lol. I hung pictures, mirrors, kids' accomplishments ... A lot of cleaning and decor. DH was grateful to have a woman's touch in the house. OSD tried but.. Eh. BM never tried though.
Dunno if it's the same
Dunno if it's the same reason, but my mom had to have her wedding ring cut off before she had surgery last year. She'd never taken it off, not in 40+ years, and she could no longer get it off without cutting it.
The truth of the matter
The truth of the matter is...your dh and bm were married...took a covenant agreement before friends and family that they were committed to each other until "death" do us part"...before God...they consummated their union, and I don't know if their marriage created children or not but my dh's did...(three of them)....
Then, one of them decided to break their end of the covenant, and get a divorce. The root word of divorce is "division". In our case, it was the bm...after they were married for over 15 years...When i met my dh, she was still "tied" to him in many arenas in life...they shared children, emotionally, financially, the only area they were truly severed was sexually...(and even then, she tried flirting with him after they had been divorced and she, remarried for three years before I even came into the picture...
NO KIDDING you are insecure...So was I...So are most of us...for goodness sake, these two people have a soul tie that has bonded them together on so many levels...it would make anyone insecure that they could not keep their family together...and now, play with the defining line of what is acceptable and what is not...There is nothing wrong with you feeling insecure...it is NORMAL...and he should be understanding and sensitive about it...and, HE SHOULD ACT divorced to her and MARRIED to you now...That is the life choices HE has made...If he wasn't ready to be divorced completely...then he NEVER should have entered into a new covenant relationship with you..
As many ties should be cut off with the first wife as possible. There is no more "us" when it comes to them...The new "Us" is he and you...she has no right to that arena. When they got divorced they chose to destroy a family...one they created...We all get the right to choose...but our choices have consequences.....
I had to make the boundary line crystal clear, because I was not going to be married (my first marriage (and last)...to someone who had one foot in one relationship and not finished with the other...It's over..he is divorced...He needs to be committed to your marriage 100%...and if something is triggering insecurity in you...He should STOP it immediately...Why wouldn't He? The bigger question is...why does he have to be told? He should get it already...Maybe some counseling would help him see how messed up his priorities are...How would he like it if the shoe were on the other foot?
Feeling insecure is not popular, or fun....but, it is where you are at right now...my advice to that problem is to recognize where your true power comes from, and not to let anyone including an ex-wife rob you of it. With or without him...You need to be honest with yourself...get "real with your deal,,, so you can work on it..The first step is to admit it to yourself that you are struggling....
Most statistics say it is quite normal for the second wife to feel that way...After all, we end up being compared and are guilty of comparing ourselves to the first wife..BIG MISTAKE!!!!!...Be your unique self...in the now...not the pas...remember they failed...so why let her control your thoughts and emotional state? Do not give her that power over your personal identity...I know,,,I did...and It took me 26 years to find myself again...Stay true to yourself...raw honesty is admirable...
Don't compare yourself to her...Just be the beautiful person God created you to be....be kind to yourself...show yourself some grace and understanding, even if they don't get it...don't let your destiny be put on hold waiting for him to wake up some day, because he may never get it...the important thing is, that you learn how to not let this eat you up inside...the first step is knowing your true identity...peace...(hugs)
Thank you for your reply. I
Thank you for your reply. I read through everything and understand what you are trying to say, but I'm struggling with me being insecure.
I'm not trying to be mean, but if you compare BM and me to each other, there is no comparison (and I'm trying to say that as nice and humbly as possible). I know that DH could have had her back, but couldn't stand her (she left him and SD for another guy leaving DH to pick up pieces). When that didn't work, before I was even in the picture, he said no to her approaches. Him and I then met, got married/had kid. She is something else. It of course got worse with me in the picture.
With that said, I just struggle with me being considered insecure as opposed to being so fed up and ready for it to be over. I think angry is the best way to describe me, lol.
Also, I've been married before. In no way do I consider my X and my souls to be connected. Maybe that's just me though. Of course he didn't treat me all that well. I hope none of his new GF's or wife's (can't even tell you if he's remarried or not) would be I secure of me.
I will def think about everything yiu said more. Thanks!
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I agree with everyone else;
I agree with everyone else; just throw the items out.
Personally, I cannot stand clutter. Papers make me cringe. Paperwork tends to explode everywhere. Sally's comment is funny to me - I threw out my OWN yearbooks except for the senior yearbook. The past is over; the present rushes by too quickly to keep up; the future is full of adventure and promise.
His Ex's taste is so different from mine that anything from his prior marriage wouldn't have been considered in our home anyway.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your posts, input and honesty with this one. And some of the stories… Wow. Looks like we've all been in the same boat before (or a similar one...some of those were coo-koo to the 10th degree!). I'm pleased to say that late last night my DH and I had the conversation again. Where he doesn't agree with me, he did say that we can throw anything like that away, now and moving forward. I wish he could fully see yet, but I really can't complain. I'm glad we can just move on!
I guess now it's time for me to take out the trash