Uncomfortable with Grown Steps Entering home When not there.
I have been a stepmom to 2 boys for 11+ years now. They are both over 21 and have moved out on their own.
HOWEVER, The younger son is rather nosy and also has, as a teen, taken things from me. Private things from my bedroom etc. His father says its no big deal I say it is MY SPACE and he violated it.
Now as an adult he enters our home without calling and lets himself in with a key we keep outside. I feel VERY uncomfortable with this. No I do not trust him and I come from a past marriage of 25 years with abuse. I have terrible anxiety attacks over this and my husband and I argue about it. As another note the boys father divorced when the youngest was 6 months old and he still even after 21 plus years feels guilt and has always been soft especially on the youngest one. He can do no wrong and dad can not say NO.
As to what they do when they come to the house and we are not there it can be watch TV or Eat or like yesterday come and use my kitchen to mix up a batch of deer jerky.
My husband now, the child's father says he feels his kids and mine should be able to come and go as they wish it is their home too. I say no way, my kids are 2 hours or more away so they don't do this and his sons have their own places to live. This is my home and I want to not feel this anxiety of someone in my home without us there.
Even if I trusted him I wouldn't feel comfortable just having him or anyone just wandering through my home.
All I am asking is that #1 They not have access to the key outside. #2 That they call before they come. (we have 40 acres in rural Minnesota so it is not like we are uptown to just drop in. #3 If they want to USE my kitchen they ask ME and respect my answers.
Am I being unreasonable?
I moved the key this morning
I moved the key this morning and told the dh. He wasn't happy I could tell but oh well. We have to keep a key available because when its 10 below and you accidently pull the door closed it isn't to cold to walk 3 or 4 miles to the neighbors for help.
Thank you, I am glad you can
Thank you, I am glad you can understand the anxiety. Most people just don't understand how bad it can be and how it can cripple you. It affects sleep, and my work. I can't do it anymore I need to be able to take care of my own peace and contentment.
Not unreasonable at all!
Not unreasonable at all! It's your home and YOU have to feel comfortable there above all else. They are adults with their own homes. I'm sure that they wouldn't want you walking into their space and doing whatever you wanted.
There will be more discussion
There will be more discussion with the hubby I am sure. But also when the kid is over next he is going to hear what I have to say. His older brother understood. I talked to him last weekend and gave him the example of----You and your wife are now looking for a home and soon you will have YOUR place. How would you feel if your brother or your dad and I would just come on over and come on in and eat, drink, watch TV use your stuff? Even if YOU would be ok with that do you think your wife would be comfortable about it?
He looked at me and said Yeah, I see what you mean. He knows I love him but he also knows that there are boundaries. His younger brother doesn't understand those. I guess he is going to have to learn now the hard way.
The only part of this that really pisses me off is that dad gives me the guilt trip of---Yeah go ahead and piss them off and they will never come over. Frankly I don't care. If they are that petty than, don't let the door hit them in the butt.
You are certainly not being
You are certainly not being unreasonable and I think you did the right thing by moving the key. If his youngest has an issue, then I would let him know that you feel he is an adult and you want him to call before he comes over. Period.
First of all, it is not their
First of all, it is not their home anymore, at least not to just come and go as they please, especially when you are not home.
If you and your DH both agreed that this was okay, that would be one thing but if one of you is uncomfortable with it, that needs to be respected.
So, yes, have a chat with your DH and with the step son and let them know that you are just asking for a little respect regarding your home and your feelings.
When dh invites ss over to
When dh invites ss over to watch a game. SS does not even knock just walks in. I also saw my dh give my ss the house key without even consulting with me. When these things happen it just creeped me out to know that someone with an alcoholic disorder has access to my home. My dh also has his ds stay at our house when we are gone. SS sleeps on our bed which also creeps me out. His ds has scabs all over his body it is so icky. He would also get in my hot tub which is only a 2-person one. Gross!
When I mentioned to my dh that I did not want him in the hot tub dh got so defensive. I then told him that I would empty the hot tub and refill it if ss used it. Dh did not like that as he is very frugal. SS stopped using the tub.
So if your SS's use your kitchen without prior permission, you should insist that your Dh clean up after them. You are not being unreasonable in not wanting others to use your home without permission. What would be cool is, if let say, your husband has a personal office or tool shop and have one of your relatives help themselves to using it and then have your dh come in and catch them using his personal office or shop. I would be surprised if he did not complain. Then you can remind him that your house is up for grabs to anyone who wants to use it and that prior permission is not required.
By the way, your SS is not a
By the way, your SS is not a 'kid' or a 'child' or a 'boy'. He is an adult who has his own place. You are being totally reasonable by not wanting someone roaming around in your house when you are not there. Older SS confirmed you are being reasonable by adhering to your wishes. What SS is doing is an invasion of your privacy. You have a right to feel safe and secure in your home, and you certainly have justification to be wary considering he has taken your things in the past. Glad you moved the key but if DH knows where you moved it, he will merely tell SS where it is. If this were me I would raise hell with DH but if you want to avoid an argument, choose a room in your house to be 'yours'. Get your own lock for it (do not give DH the key), and place items in it your do not want SS to get into.
From what you write, there is much more going on than SS having free access to your home. Your DH is disregarding your wishes and your rights. He is not placing your marriage as top priority as it should be. Remind DH that you have a legal right to call the police if you feel someone has invaded your space.
Nope, not unreasonable at
Nope, not unreasonable at all. That is your home and sanctuary, not Ss's. He has his own "home".
No, you are not being
No, you are not being unreasonable. Get rid of the outside key which a security pro would tell you is a very bad idea to have in the first place.
Gee I'm a grown arse woman
Gee I'm a grown arse woman who wouldn't do it to my parents let alone be ok with skids just coming in a using my things. I buy things in the fridge as an example to use for a particular menu. I'd be pissed to come home and find its been used in some shot my SS made in my kitchen.
My own adult kids don't just barge In unannounced and use my things....Even though it's their home too. They have been raised to be respectful.
They are adults. They don't NEED to use your home to do things with. They have their own home to cook in. They aren't kids anymore and it's called the rite of passage of growing up and transitioning OUT of the home.
Good luck
Sounds like the issue is with DH.
If I'm going to my parents
If I'm going to my parents and I am invited and they are expecting me, I just walk right in.
If I'm stopped by and I haven't called (I live 3 miles away) I knock. Both are hard of hearing, so sometimes I'll crack the door and give a HELLLLOOOOOOOOO????? But I would never walk in.
My solution? Let SS find you in the kitchen drinking coffee naked one day. Problem SOLVED.
I am thankful for several
I am thankful for several things:
I own our home - it is "our" home but "my" property. I have 100% control as to who has access.
My DH does not want to give SS30 access to our home. He knows who SS30 is.
I live in a defend your castle state. I can legally shoot ANY intruder.
I would have ZERO qualms shooting an intruder. I remember being 6 years old and watching a TV shows where a woman with a gun let a man come take it away from her because she didn't want to fire. At that very young age I thought - how STUPID.
Now I realize in most instances one does NOT want to kill or maim an invasive skid - but my SS is a violent alcoholic. My safety and well being will ALWAYS out weigh his.
When skid was kicked out I
When skid was kicked out I changed the locks. The dead bolt I had installed has a changeable code. DH did not like when I changed the locks because he thought skid should have a key. My reply was "do I have a key to his house?' That shut him up, and I warned him that if he gave skid a key or a code I would update to the more expensive keyless finger print entry and DH would not have a key only his finger print scanned. So far he has been good, he knows that I am serious about it. He may not like it but it is the way it is. Just to be fair my kid who is away at University does not have a code however when he stays here during break I type in his own code. This way no kid, not even mine has access to the house without our knowledge.